How was I like that night?
Was my expression okay? Was it awkward? What if the sounds I made were weird? Maybe there was sothing that wasnt pretty or natural in his eyes.
Thinking about this made feel as if I were wandering in the darkness without an exit. Negative thoughts flooded in, and it was no longer at the level I could handle.
Because hes not satisfied with .
All of a sudden, I was looking for the reason he didnt co back. His return to the mansion has always been infrequent, hence it was certainly a foolish thought. Nevertheless, there was no way to stop thinking about depressing thoughts.
Does he regret telling a woman like all his secrets? Was it wrong of to want him in the first place? Then am I being punished? Is he going to cover it up like this? Like nothing happened?
I didnt like it. It might have been just a passing fling for him, but for , that night It was the most overwhelming and brilliant mont of my life.
So even in the strange pain as if my body was splitting, I did not run away but clung to him. Like the last spark of a life, that got ignited, so desperate. If it could lead deeper, if it could reach the end of the soul, I would be willing to endure even more pain.
I opened the beautiful flacon bottle again and slled his scent. Then I cried like it was all a lie.
What if I had ran away from his embrace that night. If that was the case, wouldnt the nights that he did not return be as disturbing as this?
I was definitely able to run away. He was not coercive and I was not reluctant to comply.
Nevertheless, the reason the tears wont stop is probably because I know myself too well that even if I turned back ti, even if that mont was our last, I would have opened my arms to him in the end.
His hand caressing was careful and friendly, as if he were dealing with sothing most precious in the world. It was certainly comparable to love. Alan didnt answer, but he would have known too. The fact that everything we shared that day was infinitely close to love.
Its just that Im not his only love.
If I had been told the words I love you as a lie, my heart would not have broken this much. I cherished a small glass bottle and shed tears.
Your arms were a salvation to . Because I was grateful for the fact that I was for the first ti that day. Maybe no religion in the world will give such a rest. Even if your kiss was nothing more than an almsgiving, Id certainly be a blessed believer.
Suddenly, I felt as if I had returned to a day last winter when it snowed exceptionally. He saved on his own again this ti, and after barely realizing it wasnt a dream, hes already gone.
The overflowing love and the overwhelming emotions that made lost are the only ones left behind. What a cruel salvation indeed.
At that ti, the harsh one-sided feeling was so painful that I believed that I had to look from afar to keep it in its most beautiful form. At that ti, that distance alone was terrifyingly fascinating. I cant even imagine that there is sothing worse than that.
Looking back, I may have been dull at that ti, but I was filled with only love. So there was nothing to get lost. But now I cant love or hate him as before, so I keep getting lost.
Of course, I have no desire to go back to that ti, so its all fleeting thoughts. If thats the case, it would be ridiculous to be more pitiful than this. Its a contradiction to weep like an abandoned person when Ive never been his.
If the shapeless scent, the jokes of the gentle maid, and the scenery outside the window that were gradually adding color could not comfort , there was only one thing left. No, maybe this was the only comfort I had from the beginning.
My writing.
So, I hope this story ends with passionate love. My ideal, that will be more beautiful and dazzling because it cannot co true.
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