Last night, for the first ti in my life, I had the experience of being embraced as a woman by soone other than family or friends.
I dont know how much I cried. It wasnt too painful or unbearable. It was hard, but was bearable compared to what I had imagined.
If the question is, why did I cry so much that all the moisture in my body escaped, it was because of Alan Leopold. I didnt know that this mont would happen in my life. Even in my dreams, there was never a mont like this.
We were people who lived completely different lives and were still so different, but last night Alan showed all of him. Without hiding the deep scars and secrets.
How can I explain it? It was brief, but there was a mont when our souls perfectly overlapped. That was the first ti, and I dont think Ill ever have that experience again.
Like young animals who had not opened their eyes yet, we kissed frantically as if we were trying to confirm at that mont, we were holding each other. During that ti, there were many conversations exchanged. With our eyes, breath and words, without a break.
In fact, Alan was a man who lived with an unrepairable deficiency and an incurable wound. This was a story that I had never imagined in the short ti of loving him.
Nevertheless, he grew up to a man with a firm and warm heart, he comforted until the morning ca. Although I cried again for that kindness.
Knowing Alans dark side didnt change my mind. On the contrary, would anyone believe that he was affectionate, lovely and unbearable?
How fortunate was I to have a heart to hug him, with a fragile and anxious sensibility to understand the pain.
He made appreciate myself in an unexpected way. It was an overwhelming feeling that I had never felt before.
There have been many painful monts while I was in-love with Alan. The sin of longing for the impossible often drowned in bitter sorrow and misery. Even when I learned that the unidentified being that frightened was my old love, I felt an unparalleled sense of despair.
Maybe thats why Ive always thought of Alan Leopold as my shadow. An inseparable, black shadow that makes unhappy. Even as I embraced the darkness willingly, I was deeply saddened with every breath I took, reflecting on how pitiful and unhappy I was when I loved him.
Then Alan whispered, that Ive been his light all along.
I had to burst into tears again. He was my darkness, and yet I was his light.
Why didnt I know? The reason I trembled even in a handful of shadows was because I was living in a world full of light.
Alan, on the other hand, had been in the dark all along. I have longed for and envied his world, which seed only brilliant because of my own misfortunes and shortcomings, but it was all futile and a one-sided deception.
Even though I sotis thought I loved him more than myself, I was always intoxicated with ecstatic self-pity. What selfish love it was.
However, the idea that it was only myself who was lacking remains unchanged. Because the feeling of loving him passionately wasnt short of anything
Ever since I got to know him, there hasnt been an incontinence hole in my chest. It was so tight that I had to keep my nerves on edge every mont so as not to suffocate from being crushed by that love.
But last night, that love overflowed.
In fact, it is normal. If the bathtub is filled with water without a little extra space, it will overflow even if you just dip your toes in it.
When the heated breathing and the two hearts that were beating as we touched had subsided. We lay side by side in the ecstatic, sweet afterglow. He carefully covered with a soft blanket, not missing the slight trembling of my body from the sudden chill.
Actually, I wanted him to hug , but If he did that, I thought my legs would lose strength, so I managed to bite my lips and hold it in. It was questionable whether I would be able to walk back to the annex. I shouldnt get carried away any more.
As I passed through a dreamlike night where I beca one with a person whose words of love were not enough, I suddenly realized that I needed to redefine the words I had known about happiness and fullness. I thought they were quite common words, but in fact, I felt like I didnt understand even half of them.
At the sa ti, I beca anxious. I wasnt sad to give my first ti to Alan Leopold, but his first ti has never even been mine. It was a strange contradiction that I couldnt understand myself.
Alan.
Yes.
When I called with a cracked and ssed up voice, he answered in a very low voice. We werent facing each other, but we were still holding hands.
You love , dont you?
.
Say, how could you hug so preciously when you dont even love ?
Hmm.
Alan sighed dazedly, avoiding to give an answer. There was a gentle laugh in his breath. It wasnt surprising that he couldnt even say plausible empty words, but I couldnt help but feel the rushing ferocity.
I murmured, giving strength to the hand I was holding, as if complaining.
No, I wish I hadnt boarded that ship.
Then Alan smiled.
If you hadnt ridden it, would you have swam to get here?
Swim?
If it wasnt for that, you wouldnt have been on it. There would also have been no place that would sell tickets to lissa Collins.
Ha.
I burst out laughing. Theres no one other than him who can say sothing like this and make it not sound like a joke.
Its so weird. I dont understand you.
Its simple. I want you to love again.
.
Thats why I did it.
To the question of whether he loves , he didnt answer with empty words, but..
I again put my nails on the back of his hand and whispered viciously.
Theres a bina on the table. You know, right?
Pfft.
Alan laughed like the gentle breeze. A low, ticklish laugh like sprinkled sugar. I wish I could hear this laugh more often. For a mont, I had a fleeting thought, how I wish I had been a person who was a little more interesting.
Dont be angry, lissa.
.
He raised his upper body and kissed at an angle. My eyelashes got wet with a feathery kiss. Maybe I was alive for this mont.
Love again.
Gently pressing down on , Alan whispered languidly. The reason why these arrogant words sound sweet like a love confession is purely because my ears have lted.
I hated this beautiful villain, but it was so obvious that I had no choice but to love him dearly.
I didnt hate him. Then, pretending to accept it reluctantly, I hugged Alans neck and swallowed his petal-like lips.
Of course, I could not hide the corners of my lips that were gently curved up. Before long, dawn ca
* * *
Is he a lizard?
I was struck by one question.
What? What did you say, miss?
Oh, nothing, Sandra.
After that morning, Alan completely disappeared. Like a lizard that cut its tail and ran away.
Where did he go, leaving this behind.
I touched the smooth glossy bina and murmured. It was sudden that I rembered the touch of a cool finger combing my hair.
When his fingertips gently touched the very tense back of my neck.
You are pretty, lissa.
My face was heated up again. It was because I rembered the reason why I had to let my hair down again soon after he put it up.
It was now automatic that everything that happened imdiately after that was repeated in my head. How many tis am I rewinding
Even more so because Alan didnt co back, but it was indeed a night that could be mistaken for a dream. Nevertheless, the reason why I blush after realizing that it real is that the mories of the night remained vivid. I wouldnt call this a dream.
What I vividly rember is, for example, how nicely his eyebrows were frowned while looking down at , how beautiful his ribs had a wave pattern, and the bottom.
I must be crazy.
After engraving all the parts I didnt know on my eyes, hands, skin and lips, I couldnt go back before that. I even thought that the longing until now was not longing.
It was so painful that I wanted to reach him right away, but I couldnt. I never thought Id know how terrible my patience was.
It was bearable so far, though. Thanks to this transparent and beautiful perfu bottle.
Alans perfu on my wrist makes feel a little better. In the deep night, it feels like walking through a fog into a rose garden in a dream. Even if I close my eyes, I think I can find him only with the scent.
Actually, all I got from Alan that day was a bouquet of flowers and a Bina. I asked Sandra to bring this perfu from his room. Of course, he gave it to as a gift, but he pretended that he had left it behind.
Its been quite so ti already, but it was none other than Alan who told to tell him anything I needed. So I guess its okay.
Oh, the reason why Sandra didnt doubt at all Early that morning, after Alan and I fell asleep together in the dark air, I opened my eyes when the bright morning sun stretched out like cheese through the window.
And he took to my room in the annex. In his own arms.
As we passed through the corridor, we encountered countless servants. Instead of letting down, Alan walked more leisurely, even though I struggled with my legs as I blushed, avoiding their gazes. He even joked that it was his first ti leaving the office this late.
Sandra, who must have been nervous when she heard that I hadnt co back, hardened as soon as she saw in Alans arms. I must have been ssy, but Alan, who put down, kissed on the cheek saying he would go, so the opportunity for a slight excuse disappeared.
When I went into the bathroom with a red face and took off my clothes in front of the mirror I was so surprised that I almost fell down. Was it what Sandra, who had brought bath water, felt when she found out about it?
I was very embarrassed at the ti because I was not immune to sha, but I still didnt hate this. I would occasionally stroke the red mark and return to the mont his lips touched. A little wait beca bearable.
But Alan didnt co back even when they all faded away.
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