Reincarnated as an AXE! Chapter 26: Frenzy

A vampire stood before and declared that she was going to take my life.

Hey, that's pretty interesting, right? I don't know too many people who've experienced a mont like this! But then again, being an axe was all about being the most interesting person in the room, wasn't it?

I certainly thought so. But then again, I am biased.

Okay. Steady, Max. Steady.

Now was not the ti to panic. I could definitely get myself out of this situation; it would just take a little application of my gray matter. Victory didnt always go to the strongest fighter, after all.

Being clever counts for a lot too!

Hmph! Youre interfering with my little ga, child! I snarled lodramatically with a vaguely eastern European accent, as I swept my cloak behind in an imperious manner.

"Child?" Clarity asked with a raised eyebrow.

Indeed! You must be young to the night to dare impede my plans! Were it not for your amusing ignorance, I would destroy you where you stood for your impudence!

Huh? said Clarity, as she cocked her head in puzzlent. Uhhh, what do you an?

What do I an? Ha! Ha! Ha! You are bold to question Duke Maximus Deacon Frost Lugosi! The butcher of Transyl-romania!

Uh, the butcher of what now? Seriously, I dont recall ever before hearing your na.

You Impudent daughter of a dog! I seethed. How dare you fail to know the na of your better!

Heeey, theres no need to call nas! Clarity said in an annoyance.

I will always call a fool a fool, when they behave so foolishly! I declared. Your ignorance now offends , Clarity! Perhaps I should devour you, like I would a virgin bride on her wedding night, which would surely be a great source of frustration to her, because she held out until she was twenty-four years old before finally getting engaged!"

"Twenty-four years?" gasped Clarity.

"Indeed! That is the average age young people get married, I think, and waiting until youre married to trade in your V-card is really difficult! But you know what? She did it anyway and now shes very proud of herself!

She should be! Thats a lot of temptation to avoid! Clarity said.

I agree!" I shouted. She didnt even do any necking! She was very careful, and always made sure to be in bed by nine! By herself, that is! But then boom! Just when all her self-discipline is about to pay off on what society has conditioned her to believe would be the happiest night of her life, here I co to suck her bloooood!

Oh, no! You must be a fiend! Clarity said with widened eyes.

Indeed, I am! Just ask passengers of the Titanic before I fired the stinger missile that sank it! The glacier was innocent! But no one will ever believe it! Im a big deal, Clarity! A big deal of evil!

I dont know what any of that ant, but are you really claiming to be a fellow child of the sunless realm? Clarity asked .

Uh, yeah? Should I have just flat out said I was a vampire? I thought adding so poetic flourishes and bragging about my achievents would get the point across. Hey, check out my eyes! Theyre glowing red in the dark! Pretty freaky, huh? You can run away if you want, I dont mind.

Why dont you sll like one of us, then? You sll sweaty. We dont sweat.

Thats not my sweat! Its spatter from all those guys I killed. Sweat spatter.

E Thats unsanitary! Why dont you turn into mist and let that stuff dissipate?

Because Im undercover! I was doing so next-level spy shit! But now youve exposed to the enemy, so thanks, jerk!

Clarity snorted derisively. Stop. Just stop. I can hear your heart beating, you dummy!

...What?

I said I can hear your heart beating! God, do you think youre the only one whos ever tried to pass as a vampire? Were not zombies, stupid! You cant just rub guts over your clothes and grunt your way through a mob. And can I add sothing else?

Yes?

Cool. That was the single worst vampire impersonation Ive ever seen. Like, absolute trash! If your acting skills were single use plastic, I wouldnt bother having them recycled! What the hell was that accent supposed to be? You looked like an absolute noodle!

Hey! I said angrily. Even if it wasnt a great idea, theres no reason to be so stuck up about it! Your words are hurtful!

In a flash, Clarity was on . Her fist caught under the chin in a classic uppercut that sent flying into the air. And when I say into the air, I ant about twenty feet or so. As I plumted back down, she followed up her strike with a beautifully delivered spinning kick that sent smashing into one of the encircled wagons.

I bet that was more hurtful, she said smugly.

I couldnt disagree. But I did anyway, because Im prideful.

I groggily arose from the ground and wiped so blood off my chin. After brushing so woodchips and splinters out of my hair, I turned back towards her.

Are you sure? I asked. It feels like I just got slapped by an irate toddler.

This ti, she backhanded into a tree. Then she made a gesture that sent flying back towards her, so she could backhand again. And again. And again. After the fifth ti, I realized she was playing paddle ball with , and worst of all, she was enjoying herself.

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up! But lets see what she makes of this!

I managed to twist myself out of the way of her final strike. As the montum carried past her, I quickly pivoted and wrapped my legs around her waist from behind, while getting the handle of my axe tight against her throat. Then, I pulled back as hard as I could!

Then I did it again! And again! And again!

Hmmm. By this point, I would have expected to hear the sound of a neck being broken or a throat being crushed or the like. Clarity hadnt suffered either of those injuries. Instead, she stood there quietly, waiting patiently for to stop embarrassing myself.

When I realized this short woman was now standing there, with on her back piggyback style, like I was a tired kindergartner, it filled with a fair bit of sha. I lowered my feet to the ground and took a step away from her.

Sorry, I said to her. Just thought that would work, was all.

Its fine, she smiled. Honestly! Dont feel embarrassed. It's my face, I look young, I get it! A lot of people like to fuck around and find out, y'know?"

"I guess," I said.

"They do!" she insisted. "But hey, seriously! You should have been broken in half by now! I could have sworn you folded on landing a few tis.

Im really durable, I inford her. "But, hey, can I make an observation?"

"Go ahead."

"You don't speak like you're from this place. By which I an, this planet. Were you reincarnated here?"

"No, way! Holy shit, are you from Earth too?" Clarity exclaid.

"Detroit Michigan, born and raised!"

Motor city! Oh, I always wanted to see that place in person!

Probably too late for that now, I said.

Uh, no fucking duh?" she snarked. "Died twice since then, haven't I?"

"It's not too late to see this, though." I replied.

"See what?" she asked.

Shlk!

I threw my axe at her head as hard as I could and was rewarded with the sight of it being embedded into her face. But before I could begin gloating, Clarity calmly removed it and tossed it aside.

Hmmm, she said. I should have expected that from a Lion's fan. Judges score: 8.0, 8.0, 6.5.

Shit! I cursed. Do I get a redo?

Clarity responded by dashing towards once more and punching a ragged hole in my stomach.

I'm thinking, no? she said with a smile.

__

Libby? Im not having a very good ti here.

I didnt expect you would be, Max. Shes tearing you apart like a ball of cotton.

Oh, I like that! thats very descriptive. Owwww! And it's accurate, too!

I thought so as well.

So, hey, I dont want to seem upset with you, I know you do a lot for , but Libby? Why are my powers still sealed?

Silence isnt an appropriate response, Lib! Why are you handicapping like this?

I was hoping your present body would be sufficient to drive the vampire away.

Well, it isnt! And I should know; Im the one being pressed into a Manwich over here!

Libby! Co on, this is not helpful!

Max, our present predicant has placed in the midst of a moral crisis.

You have morality? When did that happen?

Max, its flippant responses like those which are exacerbating my anxiety.

Huh? Smaller words please!

Max, what will you do if I reactivate all of your abilities?

Kill her or run away!

I was afraid youd say sothing like that.

__

Hey, wheres your head at? Clarity asked as she pulled her fist free of the sucking wound shed made in my torso.

Sorry. Im a.million miles.away, I muttered. I fell on my back and clutched at my wound, groaning in agony as I did so. First ti anyones ever done that to , I said.

Really? Clarity asked perkily. She crouched down to take a closer look at her handiwork. Ohhh, does that make your first? I feel flattered! Am I blushing? I'm blushing, aren't I?

She licked her bloodied fist and made a surprised but pleased sound. "Oh! Oh, this is tangy! Wow, what is running through your veins, Max?"

"The whole story's so convoluted, it would bore you to tears," I said.

"It is? Oh, hard pass then. Thanks for the warning."

Not a problem. Hey, you really do seem too nice to be running around committing attempted genocide, Clarity, I said. Is there any chance youll be really cool and walk away?"

Well, thank you for the complint, but I assure you, that's not going to happen, she replied. These people still have to pay for what they did.

And what was it they did, exactly?

I already said! They hurt my master! They bound him beneath their precious temple and tortured him with sunlight and blessings! Day after day for three centuries! Can you even begin to imagine his suffering? What kind of sadistic fucks are these these animals?

"You're three hundred years old?"

"Uh huh."

"How's that work? I thought we were from the sa era?"

"We probably were! But us incarnates get dropped all along this world's tiline."

Ooooh. So, wow, you really have been waiting a long ti to avenge your vampire daddy. Well, I guess I can understand your grudge, now.

You guess? You guess you can understand? she asked while wearing an ominously blank expression.

Yeeeeeah. Im not big on familial obligations. I get the concept, see, but Ive never felt the urge to follow through on them? Seems like too much work. Man, holding a grudge for three hundred years? You must be one dutiful daughter.

I dont like how you say that, Max. It feels patronizing.

Does it? Shoot! I really wish I knew how to read the room better.

Maaaax.Stop antagonizing her! Vampires are very hierarchal and wont hesitate to assert themselves over their perceived inferiors.

? Inferior to her? Youre joking! Shes not even doing this for herself. She just wants to score brownie points with her parental substitute! It kind of smacks of daddy issues to .

Sorry, are you addressing ? Clarity asked.

Oh, I said the quiet part out loud, didnt I? Sorry, multitasking conversations can be tricky.

youre saying I dont have your full attention? Really? How about now? Clarity asked before plunging her finger into my right eye.

You ever heard that song, The Red by Chevelle? It has that chorus where the singer screams Seeing Red again, for like five minutes. Those lyrics felt pretty ironic at the mont, because now I too was seeing red.

Well? Clarity murmured. Make a joke now. Make a joke now, I dare you.

Whats a snowmans favorite rice?

Huh?

White rice!

I kind of blanked out there for a bit after Clarity kicked in the head. Her eyes were glowing, and her teeth were bare.

Max, STOP. Youre triggering a vampiric frenzy!

How am I doing that?

Theyre EXTRELY egotistical creatures. The less respect you show, the more obsessed shell beco with making you submit!

How long until sunrise?

What?

I asked you how long it was until sunrise?! Co on, Libby! Stay focused! Youre usually so much better than this.

Twenty minutes.

So, lets get her frenzied then! Have you noticed her henchn have stopped attacking? If we keep her focused on , then we can run out the clock!

II see. I understand, Max.

Cool. Unlock [Troll Regeneration] and [Dominate Minion].

Max, I dont know if you can be trusted with those right now

Libby, for Gods sake, you are killing , right now! I an, not literally, Claritys taking care of that part, but all this hesitation and waffling? It's just awful! Do I have a vitamin deficiency or sothing? Is that whats causing you to be so spastic?

Max, its justweve done so many awful things, and these people

Explain it later, Libby! Just those two skills and no others, okay?

All right. All right. Im now unlocking [Troll Regeneration] and [Dominate Minion].

Thaaaaaank yooooooou.

Pay attention to ! Clarity scread.

A She was holding up by my throat! Once again, soone else was Vadering !

One day, Max. One day, your ti will co.

But when?