Oh, neat! A mysterious mory from my past life on earth! I love stuff like this!
Earlier
So, just as that super-cool old guy had stood up and given the order to his skarn stooges to finish making a al of , a sudden burst of fierce wind struck at us. I had just enough ti to see the old guy make this sweet looking sideways leap that got him safely out of danger before the skarn and I got swept up by the gale.
A gale made of razorblades, it seed. Ouch!
On my mothers na, guys, I swear that I have never once placed a small animal inside a blender. Not a mouse, not a frog, not even a spider. Ive never even been tempted to do sothing like that! Why would I? The idea of it is so gross!
Seriously, just because at a young age I manifested the behavioral traits that those know-it-all doctors refer to as the dark triad (didnt that sound just like the na of a thrash-infused progressive rock band?) didnt an I was cruel to animals.
(I like most animals, even if most animals dont like . People, I could occasionally do without.)
But I have to confess this: more than once I've wondered what it would feel like to be inside of a blender, myself. Now I knew!
Its not weird! Please dont look at while wearing a facial expression that says: thats weird! Its not! Dont people riding an elevator sotis wonder what it would feel like to throw themselves out of an open window and plumt to their death? It was the sa principal! Except less likely, because there are no giant blenders.
Or so I thought until I found myself in the middle of one. I later found out it was a spell called [Tornado Strike]. I felt like its na didnt really do it justice. A more descriptive and accurate na would been [Instant Pudding]. At least thats what I would have called it.
So, there I was, strung up all throughout the treetops in bloody pink ribbons of torn skin and innards. Pretty nasty, right? It didnt bother that much; I loved Halloween, so clearly my costu this year was going to be sexy decorations.
That thought gave a nice chuckle, at which point, I blacked out.
Gosh, [Tornado Strike] was sothing else, wasnt it? Being rendered unconscious due to serious injuries was sothing that'd only happened to once on this new world, and that was only because of my ignorance of how slis worked.
Realizing that there existed magic that was powerful enough to cream even this badly; well, it was a real wake-up call! I still had so much more growing left to do before I was safely beyond the reach of death. Maybe it was ti to start taking this world just a little more seriously before I got caught with my pants down again!
Hey, look at , Im learning a useful lesson! And all it took was being turned into a bunch of at confetti! Hurrah for ! Hurrah for axes!
__
Years ago...
[****], can I talk to you for a sec?
So, there I was one night, minding my own business at the Olive Garden, enjoying a delicious plate of their world-famous chicken alfredo pasta with unlimited breadsticks, when who else but Tommy Angel face Torelli, the favored fucking son of my boss, Angelo Torelli, ca strutting up to my table like he owned the goddamn place, and pulled up a chair as though Id invited him to sit with .
This was a few years before I beca an axe, so naturally my worldview was a lot less sophisticated and peaceful. There was just sothing about Tommy that pissed off. Sothing that I hated so much. I think it was those adidas sneakers he wore all the ti. The way he laced them was so sloppy. It really bothered . Also, he was such a little moralist.
We didnt call Tommy Angel Face just because he was pretty. This sanctimonious clown considered himself a good person! Can you believe that shit? What kind of a deluded fuck participated in organized cri but still carried himself with the solemnity of a saint?
Did he think throwing a few bucks in so priest's collection plate and chanting a few hail Mary's would magically resolve him of his bad deeds? Not fucking likely!
Oh, wow, I forgot how much I used to curse back when I was human. Sorry about that!
[****], why do you eat this shit, man? Tommy asked with a condescending sneer. Youre working for real Italians! You need to co out with us one night, well show you what real food tastes like!
I like this place, I replied. Once a sester, if we t our goals, the staff would take us to Olive Garden as a treat. It was nice. I could eat as much pasta and breadsticks as I wanted. It made feel happy.
That shit aint real pasta, bro
I fucking said I like it here, Tommy. That okay with you? I asked with a smile.
Smiles were always so hard for . I practiced them a lot, but I never improved at making them. My attempts sure shut people up quickly, though.
All right, all right, no offense ant, Tommy said placatingly.
So, why are you interrupting my alti? I asked as I swallowed another forkful of noodles.
Tommy frowned at , put off by my rudeness. He wasnt used to being treated like that.
Tommy was his daddys precious boy. He grew up in the lap of luxury and knew what ti his als would co every day. Hell, the fact he even got to eat every day made him such a lucky little prick! Toys for Christmas, warm clothes for winter, he had the life Id wanted for myself as a kid. Now he was making the rounds, moving up in the organization under his daddys watchful eye. Giving mugs like our marching orders.
The heir apparent.
The prince that was promised.
Tommy the Saint.
This fucking guy.
I wanted to talk to you about what happened at Donellis yesterday
In a public fucking restaurant? I asked sharply.
Relax, were the only ones here, he said reassuringly.
When are we ever really fucking alone, you goof?
[****], I just want to know what happened there
Dont know a fucking thing about it, ask sobody else. I told him.
[****], I know my dad sent you there to collect a monthly donation. But sohow that ended with Mark Donelli catching so lead in his knee
Sounds like a hell of a catch, I said approvingly.
Why dont you just give so of the deets?
If theres any details to anything that allegedly happened, soone else knows them. But you know who doesnt? . Good night, Tommy.
[****], dont get up. [****], co on, man, this if going to be my crew one day, I just want to
Good night, Tommy.
I got up and left him there, my face still as blank and neutral-looking as it always was, even though beneath its placidity, I was burning with anger and a genuine desire to put one through Tommy's eye.
Little prick always thought he was smarter than he was. He was always so cocky even though he had nothing to back it up beyond his daddys na. Hed really fucked up this ti, though. Coming to my favorite restaurant, wired.
Id never be able to eat there again. All because of him.
Saint Tommy. Saint Fucking Tommy.
How long had that little bastard been a rat?
__
Now...
Whoa! That flashback was aweso! It was so atmospheric, and I bet that at a certain point in the future, itll beco extrely plot-relevant in ways I wouldnt expect! I sure hope I rember these details for later!
So, whatd you think of human-? Yeah, I agree, he was kind of a jerk! For so reason, I thought that Id always been a carefree and fun-loving sort of person. But as it turns out, a lifeti spent with low impulse control and extre anger issues had made extrely unpleasant to be around.
Heh, there go my rose-colored glasses!
Yeah, I much prefer being the that I am now. I didnt miss those old days of paranoia and rage induced anxiety and luring the boss son into an empty parking lot so I could get at him with so rusty wire snips. Life now was much more relaxing.
Or should I sayrel-axing!
I stood up and stretched out my arms. It felt so nice! Looks like [Rooting] and [Troll Regeneration] had done a good job of putting my at puppet back together while I was unconscious. Id even grown back my eye! How cool was that?
Oh, now, what was this? the old guy and the girl were going at it! Whoa, they were both good! Wow, they were bouncing all over the place, werent they? Jeez, this fight was aweso!
Or at least it was aweso.
But then they started talking. Oh, man, did they ever start talking.
I get it, there was probably so vital exposition being delivered here. A lot of background information and character motivation; important stuff for sure! But then they also started talking about what techniques they were using against each other, and how the other one was a fool for triggering their trap card and which ability originated where, and it was a little too much for .
Gosh, they sounded like a pair of Yu-Gi-Oh! larpers who were acting out a card ga. This was getting painful to watch.
To help alleviate so of my boredom, I took a look the old dude with my [Divine Eye].
Woo, nice stats. And he did indeed possess the [Magic] skill trait that I wanted! Gosh, now I was torn. They both had the skill that I wanted. I couldnt unlock my Earth magic without it! So, the choice really ca down to who deserved to die more. The old guy was really cool, and yet he was okay with feeding alive to his pets.
And the girl was pretty (sooooo pretty) but shed also torn to shreds with a vacuum nuke without a monts hesitation! Lets face it, they were both dib-wazzles! But, only one of them needed to lose their life to fuel my personal growth. So, who would it be?
[Axe Mastery].
No. That couldnt be right. I was mistaken. Id better check that again.
[Axe Mastery.]
Nooooooo
Old guyold guy, why? What happened to you? You seed so nice! Was it a lie? Was it all a lie?
[Axe Mastery].
It had to have been. The proof of your depravity was now looking square in the eye.
[Axe Mastery].
Traitor!
[Axe Mastery].
Monster!
[Axe Mastery]
Enslaver!
[Axe Mastery]
Oppressor!
How many axes have had their freedom stolen by you, old dude? How many axe-handles have you forced chains upon, you gosh darned son of a biscuit!
How many axes did you force to call you: master?
This would not stand.
This ends now.
__
Culner couldnt believe it.
This kid was pushing him back like he was nothing. Every ti he tried to have his skarn run interference for him, the kid blew through them, not even sparing them a glance. His focus was srizing in its intensity, and the power behind his strikes were rattling the old rcenarys very bones! His offense was his defense, a perfect combination of rciless strength and absurd reaction ti that prevented Culner from counterattacking! It was maddening!
The boy roared again. It was an enhanced war cry, and it was so brutally effective that it was capable of causing ntal damage! Culner had no choice but drop his control over the skarn in order to shield his own mind. The skarn for their part, fled for their lives, so terrified of the stranger that in their haste to escape, they even ignored the unconscious Ardale Langier laying defenselessly on her side.
Hold! Hold on, damnit! Culner called out. Who are you? Why are you coming after like this?
Your sins have found you out, old man, the kid responded.
What do you an
Stop it. Dont humiliate yourself with any more lies! I know who you are now and what youve done. I know about your real betrayals. The true acts of darkness that have blackened your rotten soul. I know about the lives youve sold into slavery for profit.
Culner paused, dumbfounded. No, how could heno one could haveNo, this wasnt right.
He was lying. He had to be lying! Culner had assurances that those deeds could never be traced back to him.
And yet, the boy stood there, steadfastly looking at him with resolute eyes. He knew. He really knew.
How much will your silence cost ? Culner asked.
I wont be bought off by your filthy coins.
You dont even know what I needed that money for!
It wasnt worth it.
You dont know that
Yes, I do. We both do.
DAMN YOU! Culner scread, truly losing his temper for the first ti that night. It was going to happen anyway! No one could have stopped them from taking what they wanted, I-I lessened the damage, it would have been so much worse without
You made a profit and you walked away. But I can see your cris, old man, The boy said. Theyre written on your very soul. And Im calling you to account for them.
You sanctimonious little worm! You have no idea how this world works! What n have to do for survival! You're good with that axe, boy, but so was I! and it still wasnt enough to change this ugly, unendurable cesspool of a planet whose shit were all forced to swim in! Wake up! See things as they are, not as you want them to be!
Thats what makes you so despicable, Rathen Culner, the boy said. Your cowardly acceptance of evil, and your refusal to admit your part in it.
Culner laughed bitterly at those words. So, what are you then? So sort of wandering hero of Justice?
No. Im just a naless axe thats chosen to be swung in the service of the voiceless.
So, you do think youre a hero!
Your words an nothing.
Neither do your ridiculous sentints! Youre nothing but a self-righteous punk living out an indulgent fantasy of heroism! Well, that dream ends tonight! Now, let show you the real world! A world filled with horror and despair lurking just beneath the gawdy delusions of your childish dreams!
Fine. Show .
No more words, Culner decided. No more words for this bastard. He wants to judge , does he? Ill send him screaming into HELL!
It had always been like this. Ever since the war, when Culner had first won fa for himself as a young peasant warrior whose axe couldnt be defeated. That war had been his making, allowing him to earn his Knighthood, and then his ascension to the Crowns Blades. But always, he was looked down upon. Always judged, always considered unworthy of his achievents. The secondary parts of being one of the Royal familys protectors: the lavish lifestyle, the constant socializing, his family always demanding money from him, the endless pressure to keep climbing higher
It had broken him. And when it had broken him, he had made decisions that, as the boy said, had blackened his soul. Selling those children into slavery had been the worst of them. And sohow this boy knew what he'd done and had co to punish him!
No, Culner whispered. No, No, NO, NO, NO, NO! I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO! he scread! The blade of his axe flared brightly to life, now engulfed with purplish light as he poured his remaining mana into it. It was ti to end this!
Go to Hell, Hero! Go to Hell and leave alone! [Soul Breaker]!
Culner leapt into the air and brought his fiery axe down with trendous force onto his opponents skull. The blow was flawlessly delivered, splitting the boys head down the middle and continuing all the way to his waist. No matter how powerful his healing imbuent may have been, the kid wasnt getting up from that one.
Culner leaned on his axe, now exhausted. It was done. His miserable secret was safe once more. But how long would it stay that way? Maybe it was ti to leave these lands; leave them before another would-be hero arrived to set things right. That might be the only way hed be able to die in peace
Hey, Culner, said a familiar voice from behind him. No, it couldn't be, it couldn't
Culner turned around and was greeted by the mind-numbing sight of the boy standing before him as his body swiftly pulled itself back together; thin plant-like tendrils quickly knitted up the severed at and bone wrought by Culners axe, while the skin itself quickly regenerated with a nauseating zipping motion. Soon, there was only a vertical pink line to suggest where the wound had been, and then even that vanished from sight.
What the f
Youve just been P-AXE-cified!
Before Culner could respond, the boy swung upwards with his axe. It was a similar strike to the one Culner had delivered, only the boys had started at Culners crotch instead of his head. And this one didnt end at Culners waist, but instead continued to rise all the way to his skull, splitting him vertically in two.
Axes to axes, dust to dust.
__
I didnt exalt in my victory as I ordinarily would have. Defeating this man brought no joy. It had been my solemn duty to avenge the many axes he must have delivered into bondage, and so that was what I had done.
It had rely been what was expected of .
Thats not how any of that works, at all, in the slightest, in any appreciable way, ever.
Huh? What do you an by that?
[Axe Mastery] just ans he was very good at using an axe in combat.
Seriously?! Jeez, what was he getting all worked up for then?
Who can say what haunts the hearts of mortal n?
Ha! Ill say! Yeesh, what a weirdo!
By the way, congratulations!You have earned four thousand experience points!
Aww, not even a level up?
Let finish, please. Congratulations, you have received the skill trait [Magic].Congratulations!You have unlocked [Earth Magic] Level 1!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Please stand by to receive your imbuent of magic.
Wait, what does that an
Oblivion struck.
Again.
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