Fear is an oft-misunderstood facet of war. People think foremost of the fear that a soldier feels when faced with the enemy, but that is only one piece of a larger whole. There is the fear that builds before the charge, the fear that lingers on the eve of battle.
But even those are the small, personal fears of a soldier. They may shape his life, divert him from his path or reinforce his faith, but ultimately they are constrained to his heart.
The fear that shapes the battle itself is a tenuous and abstract thing. It is the fear that the enemy might destroy water and food, or that one lacks doctors to treat the wounded. From misery and struggle it arises, whispering that it might all be for naught.
It is the fear of victory, for in victory there are no more problems to lay at your enemys feet.
- Saleh Taskin, On Reclamation, 687
The airship was nearly unbearable when Michael returned; the ships ventilation system had been locked down since the Safid attack, a bare minimum of airflow running through filtered ducts. It was hot despite the weather, stuffy and ripe with the sll of overworked soldiers.
Their tension pressed on him in a sickly duet to the offensive air. It was a different tenor than the n who walked among the dead; those n, at least, had faced the raw asure of the act. The airn, by contrast, had only their imagination to limit the scope of the atrocity. Michael felt that they were the worse off of the two groups, by now, steeping in an unfortunate brew of impotence and mislaid guilt.
A joyless smile tugged at his lips as he realized the hypocrisy of the thought. Perhaps that was the way of tragedy; each man took the bla for acts not taken and signs not seen.
He turned the corner towards the bridge, veering slightly aside until he stood before the door to Antolins private staffroom. He knocked sharply on the door, wincing as his knuckles left a dent in the tal; a mont later he opened it and strode inside.
Antolin was at his desk, alone. He nodded to Michael, brushing a weary hand across his face; he had pronounced circles under his eyes, his skin pale despite the heat.
Thank you for coming, Antolin said. His voice was a match for his face, quiet and drawn. I wasnt sure wed catch you coming back until later. You were on patrol the entire ti?
Michael nodded. I was, he said. Until the afternoon-
He broke off as a side door opened. Leires pavilion was tiny, in deference to the small bounds of the room; she closed the door behind her and sat. Michael looked at her for a long mont, then turned his eyes back to Antolin.
The grand marshal sighed, gesturing to a chair at his table. Take a seat.
A beat passed before Michael lowered himself into the offered chair. I suppose this is where you tell that I must forgive everything for the good of the campaign, he said.
No, Antolin said. Forgiveness is a personal matter. The campaign only needs coordination, and it has suffered from this - estrangent. If yesterdays debacle proved anything, it is that the enemy is well-aware of our weaknesses. Division is another of these, and one Taskin will exploit ruthlessly.
Michael looked at Leire, then back at Antolin; a deep fatigue pressed on him. He shook his head. Fine, he said, looking once again at Leire. I have no objections, provided you can restrain yourself from ddling with affairs of my soul.
She laughed, a hoarse, throaty chuckle. I have had nothing but object lessons in unintended consequences since we crossed the strait, she said. And even at my age, a lesson may be felt. I erred in arranging for the prisoners death against your wishes.
That stops short of an apology, Michael noted.
Leire snorted. It does, for I cannot be sorry. I maintain that you would have been killed and this whole enterprise shattered without that soul. She gestured irritably at Antolin, who seed on the verge of saying sothing; her eyes remained on Michael. Understand : there is duality in power. I have no wish to inflict pain upon you, and regret the necessity. In retrospect it would have been better to pause and convince you, delay notwithstanding.
I- Michael pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. I really dont care, he said. I cant. Ill work with you, Ill keep up my end of the bargain. If you ever feel like apologizing I will listen; you may reserve your justifications for the mirror.
Antolin held up a hand before Leire could retort; Michael had not thought the man could look more fatigued, but sohow he had managed. Thank you both for agreeing to cooperate, he sighed. I believe that is enough. The Safid forces seem content to harry our pickets for now, therefore I see no need to resolve the entire grand strategy of the campaign tonight.
For a mont it appeared that Leire had more to say; her eyes bored into Antolins, and Michael saw her soul ripple in agitated bursts; he caught flashes of irritation, frustration and a bone-deep pain before she stood abruptly, turned and left the way she had co.
Antolin slouched back into his chair. Thank you again, he said. Our strategy is built around Leire as a primary elent of our forces; I will not say that we would have avoided Taskins trap if we were better-coordinated on that day, but as for the next He shook his head. For all of her faults, she knows her power like none other.
Daressa has suffered enough, Michael said. She owes Daressa no apologies, but I would if my grievance denied them her aid.
I believe she may yet co around, Antolin said. I will not demand it of you, but if you caught her in conversation when visiting your friend-
My friend? Michael asked, frowning.
Antolins eyebrow went up. The gloomy boy - Luc. I understand that he was injured during the attack.
Michael shook his head, feeling a cold pang of adrenaline at the ntion of an injury. I knew he was involved, but - do you know anything else? How badly was he hurt?
Im sorry, but I dont know the details. I only heard of it because Leire was grumbling at Unai having given over a cot in his quarters for your friends convalescence. Antolin leaned forward. Hes one of the best anatontes in ndian; your friend is in good hands. Find so ti to visit, and when you do I would wager that Leire makes herself available for conversation. I wont ask you to forgive her, but - she may find different words if its only the two of you.
The fatigue washed back over Michael; he nodded. Ill make so ti, he said. And Ill listen to whatever she has to say. But if its the sa thing- He shook his head. Ill listen.
Thats all I ask, the grand marshal said. Now go, get so food and rest - you look ready to fall over.
Michael found the fragnts of a real laugh sowhere, though it ca out hoarse and strangled. I dont want to hear that from you, he said. Do the sa, or Ill tell your staff you havent been sleeping. Theyll tie you to your bed.
Antolin barked out a laugh of his own. Ill have to, for there wont be much opportunity tomorrow. For all that Im glad to dally, were still pressed for ti. His expression sobered. One more day in Is, then were pressing north-west to follow the Safid retreat. Taskin will toy with us at every turn, but well make a corpse of him by the end.
The smile on Michaels lips was rote and leaden. Thats where it ends, he agreed. He exchanged nods with Antolin before leaving, making his sowhat-unsteady way to the ss.
A short mont later he stood with a tray of food, a mont after that he sat. There was no taste. The spoon went up and down woodenly a few tis before he felt a weight settle onto the seat across from him, he looked up and saw Vernon.
Hello, Vernon said amicably.
Michael swallowed his current mouthful of food. Hello, Vernon, he said. Long day.
And yet theyre all about the sa length in the end, Vernon chuckled. But I take your aning. I was on the southern crews. Not as bad down there, most of the gas stayed in the north quarter of the city. He grimaced, shaking his head. Small rcies.
Thats good, Michael murmured. That it wasnt everywhere. Sotis it felt like the whole city had been scoured clean. Good that it wasnt- He shook his head and ate another spoonful. Sorry, my words are failing .
The auditor shook his head, smiling. Im not here to steal words from you, he said. I just think its better to eat with company.
Michael looked at the bare table across from him, then up at Vernon. I think youre right, he said. Thanks.
Vernon sat, and smiled, and said nothing.
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