I took a mont to exit my body and slip into the dark area of my mind that had recently turned into a popular destination for lost souls. If Richina had resurrected inside , how was she going to erge the way she did the other tis she had died? There were a number of exits around my body, and I didnt like the thought of her using any of them.
Once I was away from the madding crowds I found it much easier to think clearly. Which was a slight problem as clarity brought with it the realisation that I had now firmly placed myself in the heart of the conflict. A conflict I had no understanding of, whose participants were many and mostly hidden, and the outco of which was of no interest to .
In such a situation, the proper conclusion was obvious get the fuck out. So why had I landed slap bang in the middle of this shit show?
Release , said Richina. She looked pretty worked up. Her eyes were incandescent with rage, her fists were clenched with rage, her hair was all frizzy and unmanageable with rage. She had plumped for the premium enraged package and shed got her moneys worth.
If you want to leave, leave.
I cant leave. You trapped here when you consud my yani.
I deny everything, I said before Id even had a chance to consider what a yani was. It sounded like sothing Id be vilified on social dia for consuming without consent. Wait, do you an that disgusting thing growing out of your mouth?
It is not disgusting, it is a beautiful component of what makes a fairy a fairy.
Won and their body issues when will it ever end?
I did what I did out of self-defence. Anyone with a female sibling or similarly-aged relative knows that the she started it defence is unlikely to work, but I had little else to work with. And she had, in fact, started it. So, you admit you are a fairy. Shouldnt you be working for Joshaya?
That old fool? Why would any fairy in her right mind bow to him?
Why would you bow to Arthur? You clearly have poor judgent and terrible taste, and as it happens, Ive already encountered seven other fairies who were working for Joshaya, mostly in the nude. Not sure the last part was relevant, it was just hard to ignore.
This seed to stop her griping, which was good. Her face went through various paroxysms as she processed what Id said.
How many fairies are there, anyway? I thought it best to keep pushing while she was off-kilter.
Thousands, said Wesley, who was standing over to the side with my smaller self. But they rarely attend to human affairs unless offered sothing of great value.
I hadnt forgotten my distrust of Wesley, either.
What did Arthur offer you? I asked Richina. It was unclear if infinite lives was a natural fairy trait, or one grafted on through so kind of nasty augntation surgery. Arthur was able to make changes of that sort, but he could have just as easily promised them a magic item. A Philips Ladyshave, perhaps.
Richina didnt answer, she just glared at . Fucking amateur Id been glared at by the best, this was nothing.
If you want to leave here, then you should tell what I want to know. I had no idea how to allow her to leave, but its a lot easier to bluff when you hold all the good cards.
Yeah, youre right, I didnt have four aces I have a royal flush!
Richina right now was in that in between place where you know youve lost control of the situation but you think you can still reclaim it.
This sort of thinking is only possible because youve failed to see what it took to turn the tables in the first place.
It must have been luck, so I could get lucky, too.
Nobody likes to accept they were outsmarted or outplayed, because it ans accepting you arent good enough, and nothing feeds insecurity like a nice big bowl of well-deserved criticism.
What about you? I said to Wesley. You knew she was a fairy, did you?
Wesleys mouth tightened. I could tell she didnt approve of this version of , that lacked manners and looked down on people. She knew she was in the wrong, but she was in that other place sore losers like to set up camp.
Even if youre angry, I still deserve to be treated with respect. The lant of incompetent custor services reps and online community managers everywhere.
I did not know, said Wesley. There seems to be a lot my husband has been busying himself with in my absence.
But you love him? The plaintive cry of abused wives everywhere, another group of incompetents.
What is it that you want from , Colin? She was getting a bit short with now. I couldnt really bla her. Right or wrong, I usually managed to rub people the wrong way. My secret power Id been hiding in plain sight all along. If you truly intend to release the old gods, chaos will ensue. No one can tell you what to expect of your reckless behaviour, because no one knows.
Yes, I agreed. But I cant help feeling the forces against have various plans in place to ss with the results of my hard-earned recklessness. If theres anything I can be sure of, its that every single one of you idiots has failed to do what you intended, so Im absolutely certain if I allow any of you to participate in what Im going to do, it will only make things more likely to go tits up. I dont know how to make this any clearer to your fragile egos. The problem isnt them, its you. All of you. Every ti you see soone racing ahead, one of you fuckers jumps on their back as though youre a jockey who can win the race for them. You arent, youre just extra baggage that makes it harder. Peter was right about one thing, there needed to be sacrifices to achieve success, but the sacrifice should be him and the rest of you clinging on and refusing to let anyone else have a fair go.
I was a little pissed off. I realised how close I was to getting the final boss or my final boss and also the strong probability that it would not turn out as well as I might hope. The likelihood of failure was always a given for . What I couldnt stand, though, was the insipid attempts by the people circling to get in at the last mont for a kill-steal, even if it ant fucking it all up.
What was the value of winning if you werent the winner? Might as well execute a low win rate strategy to cheese the result in your own favour.
If I die, what happens to you two? I asked.
I will claim your body and do unspeakable things with it, said Richina, glowering.
Will you? Have you seen my body? I an, really had a good look? I was pretty sure she hadnt. Why would anyone want to look any more closely than they had to I certainly didnt. Nobody cares about this body, do what you want with it, if Im not here it doesnt matter, does it? I turned to Wesley. If you have any semblance of doing whats right, kill her when Im gone.
Wesley nodded. The good thing about being betrayed by good people is that they at least feel bad enough to betray others on your behalf.
I returned to my body and took a mont to assess my situation. I had landed a ship in the middle of a city with a complent of dragons acting as an escort. As entrances went, this was not as low key as I would have liked, but on the plus side my chances of drowning had gone way down.
The people of Gorgoth had mostly run away in all-out panic, which was a good move and one I fully endorsed. Not that anyone cared what I thought, but credit where its due. At least Id be able to run with the crowd rather than against it. I think thats always been my problem Ive never felt like I belonged because I never approved where people were headed, especially when it was to an Ed Sheeran concert.
My endorsent was quickly rescinded as the citizens of Gorgoth began creeping back into the square to see what was going to happen next. I guess when you live in a world with few genuine entertainnts, you had to settle for watching with fascination as a dragon takes a steaming dump in the middle of the city, this worlds equivalent of a West End musical.
There would be difficult questions and a lot of faffing before I could complete the task I had set myself, which was to release the old gods and then retreat as far as I could to watch chaos descend in a garish display of vulgar power this worlds equivalent of Starlight Express (the death of culture has been predicted often and citing various instances of shit presented as art, but people covered in LEDs while singing out of breath on roller skates will, I feel confident, be rembered as the tipping point).
Co, said the Pope. They are waiting.
Whats the deal with fairies? I asked him. Theyre big, theyre small, they have wings, they dont have wings, theyre naked, theyre even more naked. How did you get them to work for you?
Its not important. He was trying to hurry along, but that tends to be the best ti to stay put, Ive found. You have to offer them what they want, thats all.
Which is?
This really isnt the best place to discuss these matters.
I could put his nervousness down to him being eager to see his godly crew again absence makes the heart grow forgetful about how shitty the people closest to you can be but he was still a deity. The god of death, no less. Youd think hed be a bit more serene.
Or did they offer you sothing? I had always assud they were working for him, but maybe it was the other way around. Maybe it always had been.
Once this is done, you will be free to go. No one will bother you. Please, said Pope Joshaya, theyre waiting.
My importance would be a lot less after Id let the gods out, that was almost certainly true, but I still felt like thered be people who wanted to fuck over. What I really needed was a big enough distraction so they didnt have ti to bother with .
The crew had lowered a walkway down to the square so I could disembark without clambering over the side. Like most people I spent any ti with, they were eager to see the back of . I didnt bla them; stamp of approval, if anything.
The crowds had closed in around the ship, their curiosity and stupidity getting the better of them. The dragons had taken up residence on various parts of the ship and looked like they were part of the decorative carvings that adorned the hull, so the Gorgothians probably thought they were safe as long as they didnt get too close. They hadnt really been able to see what the dragons had done to Richina, so ignorance, as it always did, filled them with confidence.
Getting through the crowd was going to be a bit of a pain. They were unlikely to part like the Red Sea when they saw who was leading the sky ark.
Out of the way, peasantry, shouted Laney, skipping down the gangplank ahead of us all. I, Laney of Fengarad, princess of the royal bloodline, command you to make way.
Would they be cowed by her royal ntalness? There was more of a chance with her than , I felt.
Your Royal Highness, said a man waiting for her. The yellow city in the sand welcos and honours you, please co this way.
Guards grabbed her and took her weapon away. She complained loudly but was whisked away.
Oh, no, said Damicar.
What? I asked.
Uncle Malmur.
The man who had spoken to Laney was so unctuous, smarmy git I didnt recognise, but behind him were a small group of wealthy-looking middle-aged n, among whom stood Damicars Uncle Malmur.
Are the others with him guild mbers? I asked.
They are the heads of the five unions, said Damicar. The most powerful n in Gorgoth.
Nice of them to turn out as part of the welcoming committee. Probably here to offer the key to the city, right?
Even more powerful than the Pope?
Oh no, not that powerful, said Damicar.
I still had Joshaya as a way to get rid of these people. I turned to have a word with him. He just needed to clear a path for , easiest thing in the world for him.
People of Gorgoth, shouted Joshaya, glorious good fortune has befallen us all. The One True God has sent a ssenger to reveal to us the truth, the way, the path to salvation. He has sent us Colin!
Silence.
The only thing worse than people not helping was when they did try to help .
All eyes turned to see who would co down the gangplank. I was tempted to give Dudley a shove and let the crowds try to figure out if he was imnsely enigmatic or just a bumbling doofus. Should give at least thirty seconds to sneak round the back.
But I wasnt in the mood. The sooner I got this done, the better. I put my head down and quickly walked down the gangplank. There were a lot of guards waiting for . It didnt matter, they werent really in a position to stop . I kept telling myself. Joshaya would stop them. Probably.
I felt obliged to fill the lull with sothing. Flossie, take the dragons to Arthurs place. Let them eat what they want. Captain Somya, you can tell your mother she can release Captain Nokes. Youre free to go about your business now. Sorry about destroying your ship, but the Pope will compensate you for your loss, Im sure. Your Popeness, fifty percent off all holy postcards, right?
Indeed! Fifty percent off, everything must go!
I thought the news of a flash sale on the cards the citizens used to ask the Pope questions would get so reaction, but no. Everyone was just staring at , looking so disappointed. This is the guy?
I could understand the way they felt, but it was still aggravating. No one had moved out of the way. Even if I didnt strike a very imposing figure with my drab clothes and wooden sword, didnt I still deserve to be treated with respect? The answer was the sa for as it was for employees of EA, no.
Lord Colin, said the greasy git, we have been expecting you and welco you.
Youve been expecting ? It couldnt be for anything good, I was sure.
Indeed. Fengarad has declared war, the armies of the east have mobilised and we are ready to do as you bid.
Great. Who are you?
I am the speaker for the five unions. He indicated the n behind him, who nodded sagely. I fully expected to get shafted rectally any mont.
You have taken a Council Ship, said Malmur. He sounded almost impressed.
Its mine, now, I said. I made so modifications. Im going to put in a sunroof when I have the ti.
You sent your dragons to claim the Askii residence? asked another of the union leaders.
No, I sent them there to feed. I can put a dragon in your back garden too, if you like. Now get out of my way.
It was ant to sound like a threat, but ca off a little more sexual than Id intended.
The union leaders all smiled and nodded to each other. What were they so happy about?
Lord Colin, we welco you as Gorgoths Lord Protector and head of the combined unions. We are yours to command.
The crowd parted and a path opened, but not towards the temple. It led towards another grand building in the square.
Wait, are you making king of Gorgoth?
Lord Protector, said Malmur.
Lord Protector, said Damicar in a voice filled with awe. It is a great honour, one that hasnt been bestowed in a hundred years.
Who do I answer to?
No one, said Malmur.
The people were still staring at , but it wasnt disappointnt in their eyes, it was sothing worse. Expectation.
They wanted a Lord Protector to protect them. Fuck that. If they were going to give control of their city, make a temporary monarch until the ergency was over and they could go all Ides of March on , then they were in for a surprise. Id take the throne alright, and use it how I wanted, fuck their expectations.
Grayson? I shouted up to the ship. Graysons head appeared above . I na you Commander of the citys forces. All of them. Now clear this square of all people.
Yes, Lord Protector, said Grayson. Guards, about turn.
The guards turned away from and faced the people of Gorgoth. Welco to the rule of Colin.
Reviews
All reviews (0)