69: Chapter 57: Let’s Go Ho_1 69: Chapter 57: Let’s Go Ho_1 (263~084~458.
I am throwing numbers at you: 26…30…84…45…8.
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“Huh?” Catherine looked at Pannis in confusion, “You’ve co to terms with it?”
“Not exactly,” Pannis shook his head.
“But you’ve helped realize my inner fear of confronting the past.
Maybe one day, I can unburden myself from that and speak freely about the past—by doing so, I would have completely rid myself of this fear, I think.
But not now, right now, I’m still timid and cowardly.
I want to ask you sothing.
How can we dare to confront our own past?”
Catherine froze, “This question?”
“Yes, this question.” Pannis said with a wry smile, “I have no clue where to begin, I’ve never known.”
“Your question is odd.” Catherine struggled to find words, “I’m not sure how to answer.
I think if you want to confront your past, you first need to dare to confront yourself.
Only by understanding who you are can you understand why you made those past mistakes.
Similarly, only by understanding the reasons can you reflect, confront, and avoid repeating the past.
That’s my take on it.”
“Confront myself?” Pannis muttered to himself.
“That’s correct.” Catherine nodded, “Only by confronting yourself, by understanding the kind of person you truly are, can you understand everything from its root, don’t you agree?”
“Sure, I agree, but…
I no longer know what kind of person I am.” Pannis said helplessly.
“How is that possible?” Catherine was astounded, completely lost for words, “Everyone should know their true self.”
“I don’t.” Pannis responded in frustration.
“I’ve always believed I should be stern and imposing, that’s why I put on airs all the ti, staying serious without laughing, even when I really wanted to laugh.
I felt that I should be fair and unbiased, so I handled everything without personal feelings.
I felt I should be loyal in love, so I bluntly rejected others of the opposite sex.
I felt I should be fearless and brave, so I constantly put myself in danger, I felt I should uphold justice, so I…”
“Stop, stop.” Catherine made a downward sweeping gesture to interrupt Pannis, “Do you think this is normal?”
“I don’t know.” Pannis shook his head in confusion.
“Aren’t you the sa?
Aren’t you shaping yourself to be like Nellie, using her as a standard?”
“But I am happy.” Catherine covered her chest with her hand and said, “Doing so brings joy, that is why I do it.
In other words, this happiness cos because this is the person I truly am.
I am not distorting myself to look like sothing imagined, but I am following my true heart to shape myself.
What about you?
Ask yourself, does your modus operandi bring you joy?”
“Joy?” Pannis muttered, lost in thought, “Perhaps, it doesn’t.”
“I didn’t think so.” Catherine clapped her hands and emphasized, “Do you know what your descriptions earlier reminded of?
They reminded of the effigy of the God of Justice in the Hall of War God.
Note that it’s not the God of Justice, but his effigy.
No creature is perfect, only the effigies of deities are.
What you were saying suggests that you’ve been trying to mold yourself into a perfect effigy.
No wonder you don’t know who you really are.”
“Then what should I do?” Pannis was now like a lost child, his longstanding beliefs crumbling under imnse pressure, leaving him more bewildered and helpless than when he first made his great mistake.
“Ask your heart.
Let your soul guide you in what to do, not .” Catherine softly pointed at Pannis’s heart, “Ask yourself, what kind of person would make you genuinely happy and content, what kind of person would you be able to live with, without regrets.
That is your true self.
Only then, can you truly understand yourself.”
“I think I understand a bit now,” Pannis finally responded with a nod of realization, even though he still wore a contemplative look, “But I need to think it over.
I need to really think it over.”
“We’ve still got plenty of ti.” Catherine leaned back with a contented smile, “Once we’re back at our adventure team’s base, you’ll have enough ti for introspection.
But for now, we should get going.”
“Oh, wait a second, let go and check out the situation on the other side of this ice layer.
I’ll be right back.” Pannis mumbled absentmindedly, still lost in thought.
He didn’t even change into his waterproof clothes, instead jumping into the icy water in his regular gear.
“Wow, what on earth did you say to him?” As soon as Pannis and Catherine had started their conversation, to avoid eavesdropping on others’ secrets, the other four ladies had walked a fair distance away.
Only now when they saw Pannis jump into the water did they return.
Lina, the most inquisitive, couldn’t help but ask.
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