I wake up with an annoying crick in my back, my face resting on the foot of a dical cot soaked with my own drool. It takes a mont to blink the incomprehensible ss of dreams I was having out of my eyes before I can rember how I got here and what I was doing yesterday. Oh, fuck, that's right. I was fighting that big battle against Vita-Templars with-against Lark and my-her team and
I jerk upright, but not in ti to stop the bile from rising up my throat and ending up all over the foot of Bently's cot, the mories in my head warring for dominance as my parasite of a soul clashes with my stolen brain. That monster, Vita, hides inside , having burrowed into my soul to use the husk as camouflage. Except I am Vita, hooked up to a body and a mind that isn't my own and struggling to deal with the second person that's now leaking inside . This isn't fun for either of us, I try to think to myself, except I'm not sure which '' is doing the thinking and there's no answer because there's only one of us in here.
I've already gone insane.
"lik!" soone shouts with surprise, and I instinctively recognize it as my na but it's not my na but it is, I'm not her, I have always been her this is my body now!
"S-sorry," I choke out. "Nightmare."
"It's not normal to vomit after a nightmare!" the woman continues and it's Lark, she killed-saved . "Are you feeling nauseous?"
"Yes," I admit. "Very."
"I'll get new blankets for Bently," Jelisa says, sounding exhausted. What? How does she sound exhausted? I just know she's exhausted, I can feel that. "Let's get you into bed as well, okay lik?"
"Okay," I allow easily since she's my Captain. Since she's my enemy and I need to hide. Since she's right and I need rest. Oh Watcher, what am I? Did I just think 'oh Watcher?' Fuck, I'm a tool. Didn't you not like the Templars anyway, lik? Why do you pray?
There's no answer, but I know I pray because sotis I need all the help I can get. How foolish. The Watcher will never help .
I need to get this under control. I need to get her out of my soul. I need to accept that my soul is gone. I need to get his brain to stop influencing . Help. Soone help. Can Penelope fix this? Wait, Lady Vesuvius is an animancer? Penelope is my girlfriend!?
I let myself be guided to a bed, too busy falling apart to do anything but obey. My body is shivering, sweating, and I feel it like I used to feel it, like I've always felt it, without threads of soul dominating my perceptions and making everything numb by comparison. I don't have to claw at the insides, feel the blood pulse inside , or think about every wet breath. My real soul, the parasite controlling , is once again squeezed into an eggshell far too small for it, but thankfully I have a new trick to keep it hidden. Vita has so sort of extradinsional tunnel connecting her soul to a pool of mana, and I can wedge myself partially inside that, alleviating the pressure of being inside lik's now-hollow, too-small shell. Hey, I never wanted to be a shell. I never wanted to be a parasite. I never wanted your mories. At least I can agree with myself on that.
I realize, dimly, that I'm being led away from the rest of my squad. I an his squad. No, I an fucking whatever. Ugh. Everything feels wrong. This body is even worse than my last one, all stocky and lumpy and still goddamn short. Except that I also feel sowhat defensive about that, because it's my body, and I've had it for seventeen years now, and I've been working hard to get it in the best shape it can be, thank very much. Who cares how short I am when I can almost fight toe-to-toe with a vrothizo by myself? Ha. Except I'm weak. I'm slow. I'm pathetically human. Which is better than being a monster, weakness and all.
Jelisa guides out of the dical ward and into another roommy room, this is my dorm roomand helps onto my bed, fetching a bowl for to vomit in as she regards with a blank expression that's difficult to interpret. Except all expressions are difficult to interpret and it's pointless to try because I can sense she's suspicious. She's seen sothing. She's onto . How the shit is she onto ? Oh fuck, can she save ? Can she free ? Will she kill ? Will she tell others about ?
"Do you think you're sick, lik?" she asks simply. "Or just stress and exertion?"
"I think I just need rest," I answer her. "The biomancers said my head was fine."
I wonder if I wouldn't be having this problem if he'd gotten concussed badly enough. Maybe I should have smashed him into the ground a little harder. Except fuck, I rember that. I was so terrified. She was split in half from head to breast, half of her body drooping down as bits of her brain leaked out of the wound. Yet still, she saw us, knew us, hated us. I hated him and he knew it. And then I just moved, and I felt her hand on my helt, her fingers crushing the chitin like paper, my face flying towards the ground
I shudder, making a grab for the vomit bowl, as I empty more bile brought up by the mixed mory. Holy shit, I'm fucking horrifying, aren't I?
"I'm going to get you so water," my captain-captor tells , and I nod in confirmation as I try to spit the taste of vomit out of my mouth. It's weird that I can taste this. Now I really want one of those scones from the stall on fifth street, they're my favorite. Wait, I have a favorite food? Ugh, what kind of picky, rich-ass moron did I possess? Food is food!
I can't deny I really want a scone, though. It's easy to see why they're my favorite, even if I disagree with having a favorite. Fuck, I an it's easy to see why they're lik's favorite!
Why is this even happening? lik's soul is dead. It's gone. I ate most of it, just leaving the outside so I could hide within. It wasn't a conscious plan, either; I pretty much did it entirely on instinct. So I suppose I have another soul-shell, just like I used to before I hatched during the perception event. Holy fuck I'm weird.
No. Stop freaking out about Vita hollowing out my soul and focus. lik is still influencing , and his soul isn't functional anymore, which ans the problem must be his brain. I'm attached to his brain, and his brain is the thing currently thinking my thoughts. My brain doesn't match my new soulI an, my soul doesn't match my new brain. The mories are mixing up. My soul and my brain are each trying to do exactly what happens when there's a mismatch due to animancy: they're trying to correct each other. But rather than making a few small changes or a series of big changes over a large period of ti, my soul and brain are two completely different people.
Yet there's still only one . Ti will tell if that ends up Vita, lik, or sothing in between. Though to my simultaneous horror and relief, I have a sinking suspicion that Vita is bigger than lik. More. She is almost certainly going to win. Whatever I am, it's sothing closer to the Mistwatcher than it is to human. I can turn this body into anything I want. I can function without a body. But I can't function without a soul.
After all, I am my soul. Always have been.
Captain Jelisaveta returns, handing the promised water which I gratefully start to sip. She sits down on the kynamancer's bed (Harvey's bed, his na is Harvey and he is my roommate and he's more than just his fucking talent) and gives a serious look. Oh shit, here it cos I suppose.
"So the surviving Inquisitors aren't decontamination-specialized, which ans we're falling back on mundane anti-animancy protocols," Jelisa tells . "I've just got to ask you a few questions and whatnot. Don't worry, we're doing this with everyone."
Hmm there's an elent of untruth to that. Jelisa isn't doing this to everyone, she explicitly isolated because she thinks I'm Vita. Which I am. But of course, I can't call her out on that without admitting I'm Vita, because lik wouldn't be able to tell she's lying. Do I want to admit I'm Vita? Can she even help? Would she want to?
"Okay, ask away," I tell her.
"What's the na of the trainee that was slated to be part of our squad but didn't graduate?" she asks.
"Gina," I answer imdiately, even though I never knew her. She was my friend, after all.
"What elent of your talent is classified?"
"Long-range tal detection," I answer. "Though if these questions are to determine if I have knowledge Vita doesn't, it's worth noting that she's aware of that aspect of my talent."
Wait, do I even still have my talent? I reach out for the familiar extra sense I've had for years, finding that while I can still feel souls from within my dead shell I have not retained my ability to feel or control tal. I suppose that's to be expected but boy is it inconvenient. I liked my talent quite a bit, and I also need to be able to pretend I have it or I'll be found out in a heartbeat. I might still be able to tentacle-cast by squirming around while in my hidey-hole, and I know a lot of spellcasting theory so I should be able to whip up a 'manipulate target dust' kineticism spell. And while I don't have anywhere near the range on it that I used to, I can sense delicious tal by just feeling out mana flows. The issue is that, unknown to everyone but myself and Theodora, my talent isn't actually kineticism. We don't actually know what it is; she said it looked like a completely uncategorized form of magic, and I unfortunately never morized the spell formula she derived from it. Why would I? It's stronger when just used as a talent and I was trying to keep it a secret anyway. Hopefully whatever spell I invent to spoof it won't give away.
I have to peel my thoughts away from that topic, though, because rembering Theodora nearly causes to vomit again. What the fuck did I do to Theodora!? Oh Watcher, oh fuck, she was so so defiant. She knew I was evil but I just kept pushing her until she broke. How do I help her? How do I fix her? Couldn't Penelope fix her?
She could. She absolutely could, with what she did with Nugas. She just never did, because she'd lose her valuable research tool. Wasn't Penelope the one who convinced to revive her in the first place rather than just keep her soul safe? This is Lady Vesuvius' fault!
I'm a monster dating a worse monster. How was that not obvious before? But she wasn't always this bad, was she? I wasn't always this bad.
"lik?" Jelisaveta says, and I realize she's been trying to get my attention for a while.
"Huh?" I sputter back. "S-sorry, I just got distracted. What was the question?"
"How does Vita know you can sense tal?" she asks.
"Uh it just kind of ca up while she was freeing my village from mind control slis," I admit, shrugging.
Which was an insane situation all around. My mother told that she was soone else now, but she still loved , and she was going to protect from people that wanted to imprison in my own body even though that's what she was doing to my family, and then Vita just shows up. Tells she can solve things. Frees Seong just by looking at them. I thought she was a savior, even after the tragedy of Theodora's death. What bitter irony that Penta was there the whole ti. That she turned into a monster I had to try and kill. That I am her, rolling my inner eye at these very thoughts.
"Right, the Litia village incident," Jelisa nods. "In that case, I'll ask questions from before then. When did you first move to Litia village?"
The interrogation continues, my Captain asking questions from my past that Vita couldn't know, assessing my mory and trying to figure out who I am. Well, joke's on her, I'm still not certain of the answer to that question myself. But I can easily supply the answers thanks to lik and Vita's combined mories. The only tricky part is keeping them straight, and not giving Jelisa too much information.
She's not trying to figure out if I'm Vita, after all. She knows I am, sohow, or at least she knows that sothing Vita-related happened to . But I think showing that I'm also still lik is the right play here. She cares about us. Her squad. She'd sacrifice a lot for us. And while I doubt she'd be the ally of Vita-that-murdered-lik-and-stole-his-body, she'd certainly be the ally of lik-but-possibly-also-Vita's-host. She'd want to try to save . To save him. I want to try to save him, too. I am him. So I should tell her. But what if she betrays again? Or what if soone overhears? Do I have the ti to care? Will either half of like what we beco?
Fear of death. That's the problem here. On one hand, I might die, to so degree, if I stay this way. On the other hand I'll certainly die if the Templars find out about , as well. And then I'll be stuck in this situation all over again, but worse. I don't know what to do.
"So" I ask after Jelisa seems to be done with her questions. "Did I pass? Am I the real lik?"
"Yes," my captain lies. "No worries, it's just procedure."
"Of course," I say, swallowing back my desire to spill and tell her everything. I have no idea what she knows or what she suspects, but everything I just told her made her feel better. There's hope in her. I don't think she's going to voice her suspicions, so I don't think I should risk it.
Of course, I'm unfortunately now left alone with my thoughts, and that ans it's not long before I have to bring the vomit bowl up to my face again. Everything is such a confusing ss. I just slaughtered hundreds of people, terrified myself, nearly died trying to kill myself, actually died trying to fight Galdra the fucking Annihilator, and now I'm just sitting in my bed regretting it all. How did my lifeeither of my livesreach this shitty new low? I'm a Templar now, for fuck's sake. My own eternal enemy. Except I have good mories here too.
There's a knock on my door, so I croak out a quick "co in" in order to be greeted by Lark, here with a water refill and so dry biscuits, the really bland kind that my mom always fed when I had an upset stomach. Ugh. Wait a minute, what do I an 'ugh?' I swear to fuck, lik-mories, I'll find sothing worse to do to you than hollow out your soul and wear it if you don't stop having incorrect opinions on food. It's food! All of it is good!
"Hey lik," she says, flashing a closed-lipped smile. One of her ears flicks, shaking her poofy hair in a funny way I can't help but smile back at. "The Captain says that you're being quarantined in your room in case you actually have a stomach bug. We don't want anyone sick near the critical-condition patients."
"Makes sense," I mutter, accepting a biscuit. "But I don't think the quarantine will work very well if you and the Captain keep coming in here."
"Well, the Captain is in the bath washing up for exactly that reason, and uh, I can't actually catch or carry disease. As long as I don't touch you, I should be fine."
Really? Totally immune? Man, vrothizo are such bullshit. Though I guess Liches are too, so I probably shouldn't throw stones. A bit of a sha she's not going to touch , though.
I'm sorry, the fuck did I just think!? Am I am I attracted to Lark? Oh, fuck no. That is a giant-ass dragon-sized fuck no on so many levels! What the shit, ? I literally knew her when she was a child! Commit these images to mory, you stupid fucking teenage boy brain: tiny baby murder Lark. That was barely two years ago! Ugh, so gross. At least both halves of have the decency to be embarrassed about it.
"Well, I'm fine," I insist a bit more forcefully than I intended, because apparently this body also responds to attraction the sa way Penelope does: by being a grumpy asshole. Wait a minute, is this body attracted to Penelope? I can't stop myself from thinking about my experiences in the public bathhouses and uncomfortably confirming that yes, this body is definitely attracted to won, and especially to Penelope.
She must never know.
"Fine or not, you're still stuck here, so make sure you ask if you need anything, okay?" Lark insists.
"I will," I sigh. "Thank you."
"You're welco."
Huh. She's a lot nicer when she's not trying to kill , isn't she? None of that 'this is my purpose' crap that she doesn't even believe. It's kinda funny. I spent so much effort convincing myself she's a monster when she's the person that wanted to fight less than anyone. I an lik did that, when she didn't want to fight Vita, and aaaagh. Being a Lich is so fucking weird. The point is, she's nice, and I made a great fucking decision when I decided to spare her life.
Wait. Wait a minute. Everything I did during the whole life-sparing event was kind of fucked up, now that I think about it. Watcher's eyes, I physically tortured her before making her eat her dad's soul!? Then I kinda taunted her about it? I an, that wasn't my intention, but I kinda did. Shit, no wonder she's traumatized.
"lik?" Lark asks, snapping out of my thoughts. "You okay? You look kinda freaked out."
"Uh yeah, sorry," I sputter. "Just thinking about everything that happened. Sorry."
"Yeah," Lark agrees, sitting down on Harvey's bed across from . "Yeah, that was a lot, huh? A lot of death."
"Well, sure, there was that," I agree. "But I just an that I was a huge asshole to you at a point where you really didn't deserve it. I'm sorry."
The best part of this apology is the fact that all of owes her one: Vita for her bullshit, of course, but also lik for being a grumpy dick and trying to kill her that one ti. Which I failed miserably at. So embarrassing. I have a bit of morbid curiosity about whether lik was attracted to her before, after, or because of that but ultimately no part of wants to know the answer. I'm still very uninterested in being attracted to anyone, my dick be damned.
Hmm. I do have one of those. All glory to the ability to pee while standing, I guess, but that's not worth having an easy-to-hit weak point, in my book. Although boobs are also a weak point and no longer having them is nice. Either way, this body is much less comfortable than my brief stint as a Revenant inside my own corpse, but that seed to make go a little berserk for whatever reason. Unfortunate.
Maybe if I keep pretending to be a Templar, I'll have enough ti without anyone out to kill to try and figure out a better body. Downside: I'll have to help out the Templars, who I hate. It's a legitimately tough decision. Although I could just play along and do Templar work in order to get into a position from which to assassinate Galdra. That's not a bad plan.
"I don't agree that I didn't deserve it," Lark says quietly, snapping back to the conversation. "So it's fine. As far as I'm concerned, you have nothing to apologize for."
"Well yeah," I agree. "I guess what you did to Claretta and Fulvia was pretty fucked up."
She stiffens, her eyes going wide as she stares at . Oh, shoot, right. I'm trying to not traumatize her.
"We can be friends anyway, though," I continue. "If you want."
"I sure," she says quietly. "Okay. But how did you know their nas?"
Son of a did I fuck this up already? No, wait, lik actually knew about this. Phew.
"Gina told ," I answer, happy to not have to lie.
"Oh," she says, relaxing slightly. "Of course. Gina."
"Yeah," I confirm. "She was kind of a bitch."
Lark seems caught off-guard by that, breaking into an unexpected chuckle.
"I suppose she was, wasn't she? Yeah. You're right."
Then she starts laughing again. I grin, not quite sure what's so funny, even with the slightly improved social competency I have compared to being just Vita. But Lark doesn't laugh much, so I find myself enjoying it too.
The rest of my day is similarly surreal. I lie in a comfortable bed, occasionally having food and water delivered to . Sotis I need to get up to pee, which is in so ways extrely awkward but in so ways so normal I don't even think about it. I practice the spell I'm designing to spoof my old talent when I'm alone, breaking each elent of it into tiny, minimally powered chunks for testing just like Theodora taught . Spell design is actually pretty captivating, and before I know it the penumbra of the island above hits us and night starts soon afterwards. My body and soul are both exhausted, and I pass easily into sleep.
I wake up not knowing who I am again, the chaos of multiple clashing mories pounding along the inside of my skull. But I vomit less than I did before, more easily settling into my new situation. I have to accept the reality of what I am, now. Vita needs a brain. lik needs a soul. Framing things as a cooperation with myself helps avoid the dissonance that just leaves a confused ss even if I know there's really just one .
Harvey returns on the second day of my quarantine, apparently in good enough health to handle being in the sa room as while I'm 'sick.' He's as stoic as always, taking over the duties to keep fed and hydrated from Lark, much to my disappointnt. Still, whenever he does speak to it's from the perspective of an old friend. It's nice.
My soul aches, trapped as it is within lik's shell, clogging my own passageway to my mana with its excess mass. I'm far weaker, hiding like this. No tentacle-yoinks, far less mana access, and the shell blocks off vision from my eye, greatly reducing my sensory detail. But I can hatch at any ti I choose, and then I'll be back to full strength in monts. Well, full spiritual strength. lik's body is far weaker than Vita's old one, and the optimization process for it has yet to begin. Perhaps my soul is waiting to be fed, still recovering from whatever damage death and repossession did to . Of course, I'm in no hurry to let my soul start altering my body again; after all, growing a physical tentacle or new eyeball will be a literal dead giveaway. At least I don't think I lost any mories, on either end. I only gained new ones.
My third day of quarantine passes much the sa as the last. My fourth day has not vomit at all, even on awakening. Rest and introspection has done so good, I suppose. Either that or my brain and soul have simply finished attacking each other in an attempt to normalize and are just going through the standard updates. Who knows! Either way I'm a shell of my forr self trying to spoof my old life in order to survive and while that's abjectly terrifying it's also kind of nice.
Vita had a horrible life. It started horrible and firmly stayed horrible until it started getting worse. The opportunity to be soone else instead is sowhat refreshing, in a way. lik has friends. Teammates he can count on. Skills that aren't animancy, allowing to avoid its use and still contribute. The Templars might not be the good guys, not really. But everyone thinks they're the good guys, and to soone that's been oppressed and hated her whole life that ans a lot more than it maybe should. Sure, lik has problems. lik has trauma. But lik doesn't have a whole fucking country trying to kill him, so maybe I'll be lik for a while.
I'm sure it will go wrong sooner or later, but I don't want to give up my life so easily. And besides it'll be nice while it lasts.
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