I am cast out onto the seabed again.
“…Why, Kazuki…?”
There’s another wavering, indistinct silhouette before . This isn’t the real Kazuki, but I now know it has so relation to him.
“Stop playing around…! What are you? What will ruining the happiness of others accomplish?!”
I confront it with rage, but the shadowy figure says only one thing.
(It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.)
Once more, the form disperses easily under my touch. My words probably aren’t reaching Kazuki in this state.
“…Kazuki. What have you done within this Box? What are you doing now…?”
I look around . The creepy shadows are converging upon like carp swarming around food.
But this multitude is only aninglessly repeating the sa phrases.
(No… No…) (Help .) (Kill .) (I’m lonely.) (I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.) (Soone, soone look at .) (Nnnnnnnnnnngh.) (I want to see you.)
(Maria.)
(Maria.)
(Maria.)
Gritting my teeth, I shake them off.
That is enough to scatter the shadows.
I keep sinking through the deep sea. It goes on forever.
Just how long have I been drifting through this ocean? So much ti has passed already.
I have been drawn into tiny worlds filled with joy many tis. Each one of them is a soothing place with unending laughter. But every one of them, without exception, has been annihilated by a disgusting blob of dark-red flesh.
At first, watching it filled with anger. Why is Kazuki doing such a thing? Does he really want to stand in my way so badly? But that emotion gradually changed to fear. When I started considering how he was doing it at all, I realized that an incredible madness lay behind his thod. Then I began to worry. If Kazuki is doing this…is he okay? Has he managed to stay sane?
I whisper this as I watch the worlds being consud and broken by the red-black masses of flesh:
“Kazuki… I want to speak with you.”
I want to know what he’s thinking, what he’s doing.
I thought I would sink through this abyss forever, but even it has a bottom. The water isn’t clear anymore; it’s beginning to stagnate and cloud with a black, sticky darkness like coal tar. All the negativity this Box has created gathers down here as sedint. The condensed negativity forms the ocean floor.
There’s another small world here.
This one created the abnormality in the depths that has caused the negativity to settle.
Steeling myself, I enter this tiny realm.
It happens the mont I arrive. I can sense that the air in this world is different from the others. My skin is prickling with pain, as if there are minuscule grains of sand suspended within the atmosphere, and the sky is stained red, as if blood has spilled across it. The ground is littered with those dark-red lumps of at from the very beginning. But these don’t grow or pulsate as they did in the other worlds.
As before, I am an onlooker here as well. I hover overhead as sothing approaches . It’s a distortion in space, as if the air has pooled together into sothing vaguely human shaped.
(Maria.)
That voice, the na it calls by.
“Kazuki! Is that really you?!”
But this is how the “pool” responds.
(Unfortunately, I can’t have a conversation with you. I can only speak my part. This is a ssage I left you in case you ever ca. Well, I didn’t leave it intentionally, so maybe you could call it a residual thought?)
“What is this place? …Oh yeah, we can’t interact.”
(The first thing you’re probably going to ask is what this place is, right? This is what should have been my happy world keeping trapped in the Misbegotten Happiness.)
Without any further explanation, the “pool” begins to lead sowhere else. I follow it quietly.
It stops directly above a school.
I look down and observe. Just like in the other miniature worlds, I have a supernatural view of this place. The sensation is so peculiar that I can’t really describe it, but suffice to say, I’m able to perceive the entirety of this realm.
I used to go to this school, and it’s livelier than usual. It seems there’s a school festival going on. The students are completing the final preparations in an energetic hubbub, and I recognize so of them.
I also spot Oomine and Kirino. The two of them remained close in this world, too. Before I can get too sentintal, I quickly search for other people.
One person in particular.
“Kazuki!”
I spot him as he leaves the school building.
“—Ah.”
Pitifully, just seeing him makes my chest leap and my heartbeat quicken. I can’t do away with my desire for contact with him, no matter how he treats . I want him to notice and turn my way.
Then I realize sothing. Kazuki is pushing a wheelchair.
The girl sitting in it is Kasumi Mogi. The two of them are happily exploring the school festival like a new couple.
“……”
Complicated feelings swirl within . When I really think about it, I can see why Mogi should be the one beside him. She had always intended to admit her feelings to Kazuki. Mogi would probably have been able to bring him around and start a relationship with him even with the car accident, and even without a Box.
“That’s…right…”
I’m not what Kazuki needs.
I’m not what anyone needs.
“A world without is one where Kazuki can be happy. No—”
In fact, I’m in his way.
Kazuki did always believe that the normal day-to-day of life could dispel any despair.
What destroyed his way of thinking, what drove him to madness, was the foreign body worming its way into his life. The presence that brought Boxes near him.
In short—
“My presence made Kazuki miserable.”
That’s why I’ve never deserved to be with him.
But even though I understand this, neither the “pool” nor this world releases . Somberly, I watch Kazuki and Mogi go through the school festival.
The festival ends, and then a bonfire starts. The students begin to dance when “Turkey in the Straw” plays. Kazuki and Mogi gaze gently at the flickering flas.
Then Mogi slowly takes Kazuki’s hand, as softly as if she were trying to catch a bubble, and looks him in the eye. “I love you, Kazu.”
Kazuki peers intently into her eyes and eventually answers with a smile. “I love you, too, Mogi.”
She gives him the greatest smile in the world. “Let’s stay together forever.”
“We will.”
There’s nothing left for to see here.
Kazuki’s happiness lies here. So it would be best if I left without saying anything.
I look at the “pool” that’s still nearby.
“That’s enough. Put back in the abyss.”
The “pool” doesn’t respond, though.
“Relax. I’ll stay away from you. I won’t hate you, even if you have broken the Misbegotten Happiness beyond all repair. Actually, if anyone deserves to be hated, it’s . You should forget and start over. I won’t change, though. Even if the Misbegotten Happiness is destroyed, I’ll keep looking for a way to make the people of the world happy.”
I don’t expect a response, but the “pool” speaks up anyway.
(Maria, I bet you’ve got so naive idea in your head. You probably believe I’m happy spending my life with Mogi, so you should step aside. Well, you’re wrong.)
“What?”
(Don’t underestimate my insanity.)
The world is suddenly bleached white, blinding with its brightness.
“…What happened?”
The scenery returns to normal. The sky is still red, and the dark-crimson lumps of flesh are in the sa spots on the ground.
Sothing feels off, though. The fire burning in the schoolyard has vanished, and the students are back to their preparations for the school festival.
Before too long, I finally comprehend the situation.
“Did ti rewind? Are we repeating the day of the festival…?”
Kazuki, pushing a wheelchair, appears in my line of sight again.
“Does it not simply end with him finding happiness?”
As an observer, my perception of ti in this world is different from Kazuki’s as he experiences it. If I had to put it in words, it’s like watching a computer ga where even watching the passage of considerable amounts of ti is not tiring.
I end up witnessing Kazuki’s intimate mont with Mogi a multitude of tis. I listen to her confession, and his acceptance of it, repeatedly.
I know how I feel about Kazuki. He is dear to , and I want to embrace him and make him mine. Every ti I see Mogi and Kazuki expressing their feelings, my chest feels as if it’s being torn apart.
“What is this? So sort of punishnt? Are you getting revenge by showing a happiness I will never have?” I ask the “pool,” but as before, it conveniently doesn’t reply.
“…No, it’s wrong of to call it punishnt. If Kazuki is happy, then I should be happy, too. My own feelings don’t matter.”
I keep watching. Mogi confesses, and Kazuki accepts. I’m gritting my teeth the whole ti.
But as the “pool” said, it was only beginning.
The turning point cos at the tenth ti.
Mogi confesses, and Kazuki answers with an anguished expression, “Wait until tomorrow.”
He flees into the school as if a ghost is chasing him. Unable to grasp what just happened, Mogi is left in wide-eyed shock.
Kazuki reappears on the roof after running through the building. Without a mont’s hesitation, he scrambles up the fence of the rooftop.
“…What is he thinking? Is he going to kill himself…? …! I see; he’s noticed that this world repeats. So…”
Kazuki looks down and swallows, then whispers sothing.
“Maria.”
“
!!”
To et , Kazuki jumps, and his body perishes.
The world goes on, though. Kazuki seems to have kept his mories of the previous ti, and he rushes out of the school without even speaking to Mogi and searches for .
“Stop it, Kazuki…”
It’s no use doing any of that. He cannot find . The fundantal concept this world is built on is that I’m not here. He should know that, too.
“You can be happy without ! Mogi is here. Haruaki and your friends are here. Everyone will support you. You’ll be happy if you stop looking for . Just do it!”
Unable to track down, Kazuki kills himself again to keep his mories.
His brains splatter as I watch.
Kazuki continues his futile hunt for .
Until he finds , he will keep killing himself and turning himself into a mound of flesh. A rational mind wouldn’t be capable of such awful deeds. As I suspected he would, Kazuki slowly goes mad, losing both reason and intelligence. Yet, he still persists in his search for .
“Stop it!” I scream countless tis, but it never reaches him.
Kazuki dies over and over as I watch.
As this happens, the sky grows increasingly red, and the number of deep-crimson lumps of at rises. Finally, it dawns on why the scenery is so bizarre, unlike the other tiny worlds of joy.
The one staining the sky with blood is none other than Kazuki himself. He’s also the one producing those dark-red masses on the ground. As Kazuki continues to die, he chips away at the aning of this place.
He’s been going through this sa set of actions since before I saw it. This isn’t the first ti he’s recovered his mory, nor is it the first ti he’s killed himself over and over because of it.
This is his rebellion against the Misbegotten Happiness, and the effects of all these attacks on its contentnt aren’t confined to this minuscule world. The main Box itself is being damaged and broken, bit by bit. These dark-red gobs of flesh swarming the worlds of Oomine and the others are one of the repercussions.
It’s an act of violence, like a suicide bombing.
A rampage that will never lead to happiness.
“…What will it take for you to stop?”
There are tis where Kazuki stops the suicides, stops retaining his mory, and finds a little modicum of joy in a relationship with Mogi, but it never lasts for long. In the end, he always figures out that this world is on repeat and starts killing himself over and over again to hold on to his mories. This cycle continues endlessly.
It’s hell.
Both for the one experiencing it and the one watching it.
But the architect of this hell is none other than .
“…The happiness I longed for…”
Is this really it? Is it possible that one missed button while it was being fastened together could lead to such a distortion?
If so, then this Box might as well—
No, let’s not jump to conclusions here. Everyone else aside from Kazuki spent their ti here smiling and laughing without even noticing the cheap facade.
Kazuki is the exception. He has a special sothing that clued him in to the superficial nature of this place and drove him to take things this far.
“I don’t understand… What could it be?”
His feelings for ? I can’t say these actions are doing much to help , though. It would be better if he just forgot about instead of torturing my mind like this. That’s how I honestly feel. I would enter that hell if I could trade places with him. Kazuki’s suffering pains more than any tornt I might experience.
I’m sure Kazuki knows this about , too.
“Kazuki… You have to realize. No one wants this. It’s not too late. Forget about and take happiness for yourself.”
But that “pool” speaks up for the first ti in a while. The reply almost seems to slip out of its mouth.
(This is still just the beginning.)
I’m dumbfounded, but as it turns out, that was no lie or exaggeration.
Kazuki’s hell evolves in the worst possible way, becoming an inferno that tortures him in every manner imaginable.
Kazuki ultimately starts committing the worst kinds of atrocities. He kills Mogi. He kills his friends. He kills his family. He kills law-abiding citizens who are complete strangers to him.
By killing people and removing them from the world, he’s trying to make it into a place where happiness cannot exist.
For this Kazuki, the murders are a form of self-mutilation even more vicious than suicide. Doing this ans that even if he does get out of the Box, his mind won’t be intact. He’ll spend all eternity condemning himself, unable to escape the guilt of his murders.
“Stop it… Kazuki, please stop…”
He probably understands this, too. And yet, he will keep on killing in order to reach . He will not stop.
Kazuki’s barbarous deeds are sending cracks into the world.
Yes… These cracks are my confusion. My faith in the Misbegotten Happiness is wavering.
After persisting with his slaughter, Kazuki succeeds in getting rid of all the people.
With no one else around, even the aning of his self will vanish. A person’s significance cos only when they’re seen by others. Without a soul to see him, Kazuki is steadily losing his human faculties. He can’t ride a motorcycle. He doesn’t understand how to operate an elevator. He’s unable to write. He’s forgetting words.
Kazuki is losing his capacity to do anything.
“This is horrible…” I sigh. “He’s…nothing. He’s lost everything.”
Though this is a fabricated world, Kazuki will never be the sa again after he forfeits so much of his humanity. Even destroying the Misbegotten Happiness won’t save him.
“He has nothing left. Even less than .”
Kazuki has been reduced to nothing, but he still heads straight to a certain place. He’s likely not even aware anymore. He can’t think. And yet, he always arrives at my apartnt, calls for , and single-mindedly beats against the wall. Over and over for an eternity, without ever knowing whether it will accomplish anything. More and more, he forgets my na and only hits the wall. His mind is gone. He’s rely a machine acting as programd by himself long ago.
—Bang, bang.
Oh…I see…
That sound in my head this whole ti—it’s the sound of Kazuki hitting the wall in an effort to reach .
—Bang, bang.
He calls for as his soul is worn away, leaving him hollow. Not even I can truly grasp how long it’s been for him, pounding on that wall. That’s how vast of a ti span it’s been. An entire lifeti isn’t nearly enough. Kazuki has been pumling away for what might as well be an eternity.
All just so he can see .
Just for that!
“Ngh, aaah…”
Can’t I do sothing about his feelings?
“Kazuki!” I scream. “Kazuki, I’m right here! Kazuki!”
I shout myself hoarse, despite knowing it’s to no avail.
“Kazuki! Kazuki! Kazuki! Kazuki! Kazuki!”
I stand right in front of him, yelling his na over and over.
Unfortunately, Kazuki never pays any heed.
I can’t touch him, either.
It’s an impassible gap. It’s as if there’s a Box specifically created to separate us from each other.
—Bang, bang.
Those sounds are like Kazuki’s shrieks. Help ; it hurts; no more. All those figures I encountered in the depths are this curse co to life.
Kazuki should be able to stop at any ti. He should have that freedom.
But he persists in hitting the wall, despite not knowing whether I can hear it. No, I don’t think he can stop anymore.
“Kazuki…you’re crazy. Insane. It’s insanity to go this far just to see !”
—Bang, bang.
“But.”
I have to admit it.
“But I’m happy, Kazuki.”
Of course I don’t like that he is suffering. But there’s another part of that’s glad to see he wants so much. I’m aware it’s a horrible thing to think, yet I can’t repress the feeling.
“I was lonely after being by myself for so long. Nothing made happier than having you beside . That’s how I truly felt. I guess you must have noticed, and that’s why you keep beating at the wall, thinking of .”
I try to touch Kazuki’s head, but my hand passes through it.
“But I didn’t choose you. I left you for the sake of my wish to bring joy to everyone in the world. It was the only thing I could do to make sure my life still had aning.”
And yet, here are the results. I am all that Kazuki has. He can’t cut himself loose from . All he can do is pursue at the cost of himself.
It’s my fault for not seeing his true nature.
“It’s fine. aning in life doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t care if I beco sothing empty and aningless… I can’t watch you lose yourself. I want to help you. After all, Kazuki, you…you…”
I brush my cheek at a sudden, strange sensation.
It’s wet.
—These are tears.
“This can’t be happening…”
I can’t believe I still have the capacity to shed tears. I can’t believe I still have such frailty in .
But now that I know I do, the ga is up.
“Ngh, aaah… Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”
Teardrops spill out one after the other.
“Kazuki… Kazuki… Kazukiii!!”
He has brought back the weakness I once discarded.
Kazuki has succeeded in transforming .
Which ans that I—
I—am not a Box anymore.
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!”
I’m human again.
“If I’m no longer a Box… If I don’t exist solely to grant wishes…”
I scream, weeping.
“Then I don’t care if my wish cos true anymore! So please, save Kazuki! I’m begging you, just save him! …I hate this. Kazuki, I want to see you. I want to hear your voice. I want to feel warmth. I want your eyes on . Look at one more ti. Kazuki… Kazuki… Kazuki…!”
—Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
“Co back… Give back that beautiful life! I can’t stand this. I hate it! I hate losing the ones I love! I hate becoming alone in the world! Please…please…let be with…let be with…Kazuki…Kazuki…!”
A thought cos to out of the blue. What would I do if I were in Kazuki’s place?
I’m sure I would do exactly the sa thing he’s doing.
Foolish as it seems, I would do the sa.
Even though it would an letting myself go to ruin, even though Kazuki wouldn’t want to, even though it wouldn’t be to his benefit, I would throw everything away to see him.
I smile ruefully, still crying. “We’re…crazy. We’re completely nuts, huh, Kazuki?”
Despite everything, we will venture out to see each other again.
Despite everything, we will live holding each other close.
Why do we do this? I don’t know. I don’t know, but that’s all we have. There are no other options for us.
“There’s sothing special between us.”
“Sothing we’ve found.”
“Sothing far more precious than a wish.”
—Bang, bang.
“Can’t you hear my voice, Kazuki?”
—Bang, bang.
“You really can’t hear ? If so…”
—Bang, bang.
“…I’ll make it so you can.”
Wiping away my tears, I set my mouth in a straight line.
I’ve made up my mind.
I will destroy the Misbegotten Happiness.
And then I will et Kazuki and stay at his side forever.
That won’t change even if the Kazuki beside is an invalid.
—But is it possible?
This doesn’t just involve Kazuki. My own state is problematic. For the sake of my wish, I’ve been keeping my mind under a stress it can’t take. There’s no going back to what I once was, so it’s a question of severing the strained threads or stretching them as far as they can go and perhaps finding a use for them. In all likelihood, I will beco an invalid, too, if I lose the Misbegotten Happiness along with any hope of obtaining another Box in the future. There’s no way we could stand together like that.
What should I do? If that’s how it is, what should I do?
(Find her.)
I open my eyes at the voice.
The “pool” is speaking to .
(Find the zeroth Maria. Find the girl who’s crying.)
“…What’s the ‘zeroth Maria’? Will I really be able to be with Kazuki if I find her?”
The “pool” can’t respond, though. I can’t even tell if what it said is relevant to my situation.
But without any proof, I choose to believe its nebulous claim.
After all, it ca from none other than Kazuki himself.
I return to the deep, clouded sea.
I notice it right away—why did I never notice before? Was it because the laughter that was drowning it out disappeared? Or because I simply didn’t care to listen?
Either way, there is a voice I hadn’t heard before.
A girl crying in the ocean depths.
Though I try my hardest to deny it, the timbre of the voice sounds like mine.
The sobs are coming from the deepest part of this abyss. These waters are filled with a black gloom, steeped in dark emotions. I have no idea what will beco of once the darkness overtakes . I may drown in this ocean, never to escape again.
But I make the plunge without hesitation.
The weighty darkness clings to my body like wet concrete. I can’t see even an inch in front of . All around is darkness, utter darkness. It hurts; it’s disgusting; it itches; it terrifies . But I will not stop. With only the sound of weeping to guide , I feel my way deeper and deeper.
“Unh, urk…!”
Just as I start to wonder if I will sink forever, the gloom is suddenly dispelled.
A lancholy scene appears in the light.
“…This is…”
Yeah… I know this view. I could never forget it.
It’s a seaside road with the sll of salt on the breeze. The asphalt is cracked on the poorly maintained street, and the guardrail is rusted red. Beneath the stony precipice is an unappealing view of the sea that no one would stop to look at. On the other side is a swell of dirt covered in weeds and thin, sad-looking trees.
This nearly abandoned road is where my family was taken from .
But this isn’t what it actually looks like here. It’s not the view as I rember it, either. The reason why is that I saw it only after it was changed forever, once the tow trucks had hauled off the two cars that had gone off the cliff.
So when I see the two vehicles breaking through the guardrail and plumting from the cliff, I know the image is false. It’s not the genuine article.
Every last detail is clearly defined, though. The texture of every object here has been re-created. This unforgettable waking vision is more real than reality.
The lives that will be lost before are also real.
I extend my hand to help, but I’m an onlooker. I can’t even touch them. All I can do is watch the car carrying my family fall from between my fingers. I’m powerless to do anything. The past cannot be changed.
My father and the person responsible for the wreck died instantly, and my mother passed without regaining consciousness. Aya Otonashi took her last breaths in an ambulance; she was awake, but she was bleeding uncontrollably. This is the past that can’t be altered no matter what I do.
I saw this nightmare ti and again until I lost my mory—no, even after it was gone. Except there’s a figure here who never appeared in that awful dream.
It’s as I was in middle school. I’m standing beside the hole the cars created in the guardrail, weeping in a choked voice.
“…Why?” the girl softly asks, gazing down at the bottom of the cliff. “Why did you do this, Aya?”
The middle school is looking at sothing—at her older sister covered in blood, her lower body crushed. Aya Otonashi.
Aya Otonashi is dragging herself up the cliff. Though gravely wounded and about to die, she smiles.
She still holds that smile more charming than anyone else’s.
“I’m sure you don’t actually have to ask, Maria. This is my revenge on the family that created the void inside .”
“That’s not what you told . Weren’t you going to fill the void by bringing joy to everyone in the world?”
“That was a major goal of mine, too. It wasn’t the only one, though. Killing the family that made hollow was another important objective in my revenge. I decided to entrust my other mission, the mission of making everyone happy, to you.”
“I can’t do that.”
“You can. I say this because, from the mont I die, you are no longer Maria Otonashi.”
She smiles.
“You are Aya Otonashi.”
Yes, my sister did predict it.
“I’m going to make a prediction about your future.”
“You’re going to beco —no, you have to.”
“That ans you’ll have to beco soone who makes others happy.”
“I’m going to set out on a journey when I’m fourteen.”
“Maria Otonashi will beco Aya Otonashi.”
Everything turned out as Aya Otonashi intended. We were all dancing in the palm of her hand. Aya Otonashi had the ability to manipulate people and control the future—she was a monster. That’s why she could do this, too.
“I may lose my body, but I will not die. Maria, I will live on by taking possession of you. I’m sure you understand. Once you are under my control, you will cease to exist anywhere. You will exist for the sole purpose of seeing my wish co to fruition. Abandon this wish, and you will beco a husk with no soul or identity.”
Yes, that’s right.
I’m not Maria Otonashi. I’m Aya Otonashi.
Kazuki really allowed to dream. Unfortunately, going back to being Maria Otonashi is out of the cards for .
I will destroy the Misbegotten Happiness. I will get Kazuki out of this Box. My resolve hasn’t changed.
But now that we’ve co this far, my being with Kazuki—
(Maria, that isn’t Aya Otonashi.)
My eyes widen at that voice.
The vestige of Kazuki is here.
(You can’t interpret Aya Otonashi to suit your needs. You have to stop running away.)
“…Running away? I can’t accept that, even from you. Aya Otonashi has up against a wall, and that’s a fact. And you’re saying I’m interpreting her to suit my needs? That’s not possible. It’s not like I wanted to have such painful thoughts. I didn’t want to keep fighting…!”
(Stop acting like Aya Otonashi was a monster.)
We’re talking past each other, but I guess that’s to be expected. He can’t hear , after all.
“Aya Otonashi was special. Ever since I t her, she was special, and there was never a mont she wasn’t. So ‘monster’ isn’t a completely inaccurate term, wouldn’t you say?”
I laugh self-deprecatingly.
“Aya Otonashi actually predicted all of this. She said she would take over my body, then killed herself on her birthday, and everything happened as she’d said. Aya Otonashi’s visions of the future were never once incorrect. Aya Otonashi was an exceptional being—human, and more than human.”
The “pool” is quiet for a ti.
In the anti, Aya Otonashi’s severed top half has taken hold of the middle school . The bloodied girl seizes her little sister and never lets go.
The “pool” speaks up again.
(I went to the ho where you used to live and did so investigating. I learned everything I could about the Otonashi household. I figured out right away that the family had so complicated circumstances, but I couldn’t find much about you yourself. Because no one knew you.)
“Because I was a quiet child with no friends.”
(Everyone rembered Aya Otonashi, though. They all agreed she was an extrely beautiful and intelligent girl. The thing is, even though there were no apparent issues with Aya herself, I also heard she was a troublemaker. All kinds of incidents occurred around her. What’s more, the scale of these incidents increased the older she got.)
“That’s definitely how she was, but what does it matter? What’re you trying to say?”
I’m irritated. I don’t know why.
(She was fond of talking about how she wanted to make everyone in the world happy. Her horoom teacher during her second year of middle school knew this, too. It wasn’t for show or just a whim; for her, that impossibly ambitious idea was a sincere aspiration. That’s why her teacher wholeheartedly supported her plan, even though she was a little young.)
What plan?
The “pool” tells .
(She wanted to study abroad in New York when she turned fourteen.)
“Wh-what…?”
(Aya wanted to broaden her horizons for the sake of her mission to fill everyone in the world with joy. Apparently, she said she wanted to travel to many different countries besides Arica in the future, too. She didn’t have any plans to return ho. According to the teacher, she had persuaded her parents, but the only one she couldn’t speak of her plan to was her beloved sister.)
“Maria, I’m going to set out on a journey when I’m fourteen.”
“B-but… But that doesn’t make sense! Aya Otonashi killed herself along with her family on her birthday! She decided that was how she would get revenge on our parents and take control of . She didn’t want to go abroad… That—”
That was too mundane for her. She’d never consider it.
Or is that just what I want to think…? …Yes, maybe I do want Aya Otonashi to be a monster.
Why? …I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m so upset, either.
(Aya Otonashi was constantly, earnestly trying to save everyone on the planet. She was a bright girl who spent her ti exploring and implenting ways of doing that. But at the end of the day, she was a student in middle school. aning her school was her only sphere of influence. Her sense of ethics was still immature, too. She was aware of these flaws, though, and she tried to break out into the world to rid herself of them.)
The “pool” continues as I beco more and more bewildered.
(Do you think such an optimistic, forward-thinking girl would really kill her family for revenge, let alone choose to die herself? Do you think she would entertain an ill-considered and unfair idea like handing her soul over to you?)
“But that’s what she did! It was possible for Aya Otonashi!”
After all, she was a monster beyond the comprehension or imagination of an unremarkable person like .
“She predicted it. I rember what she said: ‘You’re going to beco —no, you have to.’ And that’s how it turned out. Like my older sister, I have lived for the sake of a wish at the cost of myself. That’s what actually happened, so what you’re saying can’t be true!”
(Aya Otonashi was apparently quite concerned about her younger sister, Maria Otonashi. She knew the love from their parents was tepid at best, but she coped with it well. On the other hand, her little sister made no attempt to acknowledge how things were. She just ran away and never made any forward progress. Maria was apathetic, didn’t trust adults, couldn’t make friends, and had no goals. And Aya couldn’t leave her like that. She was a big sister; she didn’t want Maria to lead such an empty life. She wanted her little sister to change. Wanted her to live with passion. Yes, like her.)
“Maria Otonashi will beco Aya Otonashi.”
“Oh…”
(So Aya showed Maria how she lived her own life, good and bad. Her wish was for the two of them to lead more aningful lives and put the adults to sha. That was how Aya Otonashi thought of her sister.)
“So let’s get started. We don’t hate anyone, but there is an indescribable urge driving us forward. We have an enemy—you might call it emptiness. Well, let’s show them.
“Let’s show them the nature of our revenge.”
“…Stop.”
The “pool” is doing sothing terrible to . It has shoved its hand into and is stirring it around.
“Stop. That’s just how you imagine it. You just want Aya Otonashi to be a normal girl; don’t pretend she was!”
(I’m sure even after I’ve told you this, you’ll deny all the evidence and still assert that Aya Otonashi was sothing special or supernatural. But I think you can rember the truth. The simple, human Aya Otonashi, the one who was nothing like a monster, should be there in your mories. After all, no matter how grown-up she seed, she was simply a middle school student.)
“That’s not true! Aya was always special, and—”
“Nh…nnnh…nnnnh.”
The scene before changes. It looks exactly as it did in my daydream, so I’m not confused. But the location shifts from the scene of the accident to sowhere else, and I can’t hide that I’m a little shaken.
This is that house I once lived in. My sister Aya’s warm room. It slls like that mix of perfu and essential oils.
Aya and I are in the room. I guess we’re both probably around ten? Little Aya is lying facedown on the bed while the little looks on worriedly.
“What’s wrong, Aya?”
Concerned, I jostle Aya when she doesn’t lift her face. She is staying stock-still, refusing to show her expression.
After a while, she finally speaks. “…I lost.”
“Huh?”
“The national test. They had it at your school, too, right? My classmate beat . I’ve never lost before.”
“What? Is that it? It happens sotis. It’s nothing worth getting this depressed about, is it?”
“You don’t understand,” she says in a low voice, clearly angry.
Little Maria falls silent.
“You don’t understand what it ans at all, Maria. What it ans for to lose, at a test or at anything else! I can’t let anyone else beat . I have to be worth more than anyone else. I have to make everyone need . If I don’t…”
“—If only you had never been born.”
“…I can never get revenge on Rinko!” she shouts with her face pressed hard into the pillow. “I can’t stand tall and say she was wrong…!”
“Aya…,” I whisper, watching our two younger selves.
I had no idea what was going on back then. I didn’t know what was bothering my sister. I do now, though.
Aya Otonashi had been fighting all along.
She had been fighting the truth that she wasn’t wanted.
In the end, society had seen Aya Otonashi as an “unfortunate child”—and that was what she was. It shouldn’t have co as a surprise. Aya couldn’t escape from the fact that Rinko and my parents didn’t think she was necessary. That was why she tried to demonstrate her worth by becoming an extraordinary person. She overextended herself to a reckless degree. She fought on, wearing herself thin, holding back the tears all the while. The esteem of others was what made my sister feel alive.
She put in more effort than anyone. She kept running ahead, not letting or anyone else see how hard she was working. I still think my sister was an incredible person for making herself strong.
And yet, at the sa ti, behind her dignity and pride, there was insecurity and frailty.
(Aya Otonashi was human.)
“No…”
I shake my head in denial. I know I’m acting like a petulant child, but there’s no way I can accept it.
“My sister, Aya, was special. She was supernatural. She wanted to die. That’s how it has to be; if it isn’t, then she was just a victim in a tragic accident. She was killed for no reason by a lunatic. I don’t want that. I don’t want her death to have been aningless. My sister took over my body, and she could do it because she was supernatural. Can’t that be the way it is? After all, if it isn’t—
“—then Aya will really die.”
Abruptly, the scene before returns from my sister’s room to the site of the accident, but it looks slightly different from before.
Instead of crawling up the cliff, Aya is trapped inside the car at the bottom. The door was mangled by the impact and won’t open, so she’s desperately beating at the windshield. But the blows of a dying girl are weak, and each hit thunks quietly against the glass.
“I don’t want to die… Help… No,” she weeps in a feeble voice. “It hurts. It hurts. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. Maria. I don’t…want to die yet…!”
It goes without saying that she’s nowhere close to smiling.
The middle schooler looks down from the precipice with a bouquet of flowers in her hand. She cries, incapable of noticing Aya fervently calling for help.
I didn’t visit her until the day after the accident, after all.
Little Maria tosses the bouquet from the cliff and speaks quietly with empty eyes.
“I don’t accept it—I don’t accept that Aya died.”
“Aya is a monster, so she can’t die.” “I won’t let her.” “My sister took control of .” “I don’t want to be alone.” “If I beco Aya, then I’m not.” “I’m not alone.”
I recall the conversations among my relatives, the people who talked of as nothing but a nuisance.
—If my sister Aya is gone, then…
There’s no one left to need .
And that was the one thing I couldn’t take. I wanted soone to need , even if it was just my sister’s ghost. I decided she had entrusted with her will. I decided she had taken possession of . Aya needed my body. That was why I had to live with the goal of bringing happiness to everyone in the world. If I failed, it would be as if Aya didn’t need .
I am not alone.
My sister, Aya, lives within .
However, the “pool”—Kazuki—confronts .
“The true wish of Maria Otonashi—and Aya Otonashi—was not to make everyone in the world happy.”
He’s right.
Our true wish—
All we wished for, as two lonely girls unloved by our parents, was—
“To be needed.”
“To be needed.”
I can’t stop crying. What should I do? I have to kill my sister. But if I do, I’ll be all alone. No one will need . I can’t bear that. If I let go of this Box, I’ll fall into despair and beco a shell of myself. Help . Help . Soone please help —but of course they won’t. No one could ever be there for . That would be too easy—
“—Oh my god… There is soone. There is soone for .”
Yes—that’s right.
I have a savior.
I have a savior—so maybe it is that easy.
“I need you, Maria.”
—Kazuki Hoshino.
Kazuki says what I want to hear more than anything else.
And it’s the truth. If I don’t go to him, Kazuki will continue pounding on the wall. He can’t escape from that cycle.
I am the only one who can save Kazuki.
And Kazuki is the only one who can save .
Kazuki needs more than anything.
I need Kazuki more than anything.
I wipe away my tears.
How much of a detour has this been?
I should have just been honest and said I wanted to stay with Kazuki.
It would be enough—
Truly, that alone would be enough—
“To make my wish co true.”
That’s why it’s okay to break the Misbegotten Happiness now.
After all, true happiness is within reach.
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