Chapter 900: Rowena Is Deep In Thoughts
Rowena barely got over the fact that Julian was most likely related to soone in Verona, and no other than the royal family themselves… but now she was also thrown by Julian's offer of marriage and love.
What did Rowena feel for Julian?
Was it love? Was it the kind of love that Julian wished that she had for him?
Rowena didn't even know what it was like to have the love of her father. For all her life, she had yearned for his approval and adoration… It was the kind of love, a craving, an intense yearning that she had for her father's acknowledgnt that remained unrequited.
Whenever Rowena thought that her father showed her a bit of love, like when King Draco gave her Lucent, it only proved to be a tool and a weapon used against her.
The 'love' that her father gave her was filled with conditions and requirents and was sothing that she needed to prove herself worthy for. But was that even actual love? Because if that wasn't love… then she didn't know what it was supposed to be like.
Rowena tried to rember her maids, Leia and Emma, and how they were like towards her… because they loved her, didn't they? Rowena felt like that had been love, but now those mories were so long ago and she didn't think it was a correct comparison.
What if their love was only because they felt bad for Rowena anyway?
It was more of compassion they felt for Rowena. That wasn't love and more like pity than the other. They were also paid to take care of her, so might have needed to be kind and patient towards…
So, what if all of that was a lie even?
"I care about you, Julian… but I don't think I love you—well, I don't know." Rowena folded her hands together and clenched them hard. "When I think about love… I'm not so sure what it actually ans and what I'm supposed to feel when I'm around you."
Julian looked over kindly at her and nodded slowly. "Well, if you don't know whether you actually love or not… I think it's most likely a no, Rowena. So you don't have to force yourself with the thought any longer."
"You got it all wrong, Julian." Rowena whirled to him, her face completely serious. "I like you and I care about you."
Julian's face heated up a little. He felt a bit hopeful.
"Like … how? Do you think you can explain what it's like…?"
Rowena bit down on her lip and thought about it long and hard.
"I like you, Julian and I'm deeply concerned about what happens to you and what your life will be like. I don't want you to get hurt, and I care about you like I care about myself."
"So... like a sibling?"
"I… I don't know." Rowena looked away from him. "I just don't know if I actually want to marry you, Julian. Maybe i
t's because I'm really unfamiliar with what it ans to love soone, but right now…"
"Is it because I'm not royalty like you?" Julian asked. "If I was maybe soone like Liam himself… do you think that might increase my chances? Or make you reconsider?"
"No," Rowena said.
"No?"
"It's not about you being from a royal family or not. I don't think about such things." She looked at him firmly before she finally let out a sigh. "I told you that this is all new and unfamiliar… It's strange and I want to be given so ti to think and mull it over."
"O-oh, of course." Julian nodded and stood up. "I'll give you so space then—"
Rowena suddenly reached out for his hand. "Julian?"
"Yes?"
"We're in your room." Rowena pointed out with a chuckle. "I think I'm the one who needs to leave and not you."
"Oh, right. I forgot." Julian laughed as he helped her up. It was foolish of him to think that when she grabbed his hand, Rowena actually changed her mind. "Do you want to help you to the next room?"
"We're right next door to each other."
"Right."
"Well, I'll be going then," Rowena said and smiled briefly at him. Without further issues, she made her way to her room and shut the door.
Rowena sank down to the floor and covered her face for a mont. It was a lot to take in for her.
Without anyone to guide her in the realm of romance and love at this age, she was completely at a loss and only could recall the lessons instructed by the two ladies when it ca to courtship and proper royal etiquette.
"… I suppose that is why both Lady Liz and Lady Mary were so good at acting coy and distant from n. Dealing with one is rather difficult." Rowena lowered her hand. "But what else do I know? If I compare Julian with others…"
She thought about Prince Liam, the crown prince of Verona, and how they spent their ti together yesterday. It was clear as day to her that he looked at her in a way that perhaps was not so different from Julian?
Well, perhaps he only admired her beauty and presence?
Rowena knew that she was charming. It was heavily ingrained in her after all. Even more, she made sure to use it so that she and Julian could be great conn and earn their coin. So, she was an expert when it ca to gaining favor from a lot of people.
However, when she thought about Prince Liam, it wasn't the sa as she did with Julian.
There was a sense of camaraderie because he also wished to escape the palace life every now and then, but Rowena didn't care about him as much as she did for Julian.
So, to her, Julian was different, more imp
ortant, more special than Liam.
But... was that enough?
Rowena really didn't know what to think. She chewed on her bottom lip and tried to recall the lessons where Lady Liz actually had so difficulty explaining when Rowena had gotten a bit older.
Lady Mary was supposed to be the one who tackled it since she got married, and marriage was her problem right now.
Sure, she and Julian had lived for two years together, but that wasn't the issue.
It was sothing else entirely.
"Marital duties." Rowena's throat beca a little dry. "Can I look at Julian in… that way?"
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