The Accidental Necromancer Biggles

I found Kendala and gave her the dildo. She was our fastest cyclist, and she would get it to Aurea faster than anyone.

Valeria managed to save the goblin thief from execution by the “Emperor”, but I didn’t think it would do any harm to let him stew for a bit and wonder what was in store for him while I enjoyed a quiet night with three beautiful won.

Okay, not that quiet. We could probably be heard in all the neighboring tents, actually.

I talked to Gobgarrod in the morning. The thief had not been alone. He may have stolen the dildo, but coins were found on a dozen goblins, and Gobgarrod, when asked, was unable to deny that he knew sothing had been stolen. He was, in fact, kind of proud of their daring, even if it hadn’t worked out.

I impressed on him how bad it would work out if it happened again, because next ti, Aurea and I would be cooperating, and his head would roll. “Zoblins are kind of cute, and I expect they’ll be useful in small spaces.”

“What’s a zoblin?” he asked.

“A zombie goblin.”

He blanched. “We understand each other, Queen Abby. And I no longer doubt that you have a dick.”

“Aurea was able to do plenty without one,” I pointed out. “And your daughter might end up ruling the goblins so day.”

“Impossible. She doesn’t have –”

“Get over it. Goblin won are equal to goblin n in every way, from here on out.”

He shrugged. “You’re not respecting our culture,” he said.

I’d heard that argunt before. “Nope,” I agreed. “Not that part of it. And not the part that thinks stealing from dragons is cool.”

He started to argue, but I walked away.

I had an interview planned with a thief who was a little too daring for his own good. I had him brought to rather than going to him, because it would reinforce our relative positions. When I told Lysandra about that, she decided to make her own adjustnt, which is why when the thief was brought in, I was seated on a folding chair, with Lysandra lounging to one side of it in bra and panties, and Lesseth on the other, naked and gelatinous as usual, mirroring Lysandra’s position. It felt very sixties book cover, except for the folding chair and the fact that Lesseth was a sli demon.

The goblin was pushed forward.

“Your highness!” he said, bowing down to the ground. “Please be rciful in your execution.”

He didn’t pose any threat, so why would I kill him? I asked Valeria, who was standing stiffly on guard in her own idea of good theater, what the goblin king had intended.

“Cutting off his hands and letting him bleed to death,” Valeria said.

“For stealing?”

“That wasn’t the impression I got. More for getting caught.”

I nodded, trying to avoid showing my revulsion. Better he think I took hand-lopping in stride. “So, what’s your na?”

“Biggles.”

“Biggles. Why did you do it, Biggles? It seems like a pretty dangerous thing to do.”

His eyes shone. “Yep!” he agreed.

There was sothing about that look. “Give your hand,” I said.

He hesitated, and then put it out. His eyes flickered around like he was looking for sothing. An approaching axe, maybe. I took hold of it and cast Sexual Empathy.

He just stared at for a mont. But my guess was right. He was turned on, sexually, by the idea of danger. Girls were fine, and all that, but only if there was a chance of getting caught. He was the kind of guy who’d rather do it with a married woman just for the thrill of it.

“Biggles,” I said. “If you get killed because you’re fooling around with soone else’s wife, it’s no problem of mine. But if you get her killed, I’ll raise you and then kill you all over again.” I wouldn’t, of course. I’d just turn him into a zoblin.

He blinked. “How’d you know about that?”

I shook my head. I hadn’t known it had happened, just that he was into it. Lysandra looked up at quizzically.

“It’s not the adultery that bothers ,” I explained. “It’s the sneaking around and lying.”

“Right,” Lysandra said. “Doing it in front of the husband is fine. Thank you for clarifying. Of course I agree with you.” She didn’t speak the “because I’m mind controlled” part out loud, but I sensed it, anyway.

The whole subject was complicated. The Archfiend had, of course, consented. But at the sa ti, Lysandra wasn’t property; she didn’t need his consent. But their marriage was an act from the start, anyway. It wasn’t cool to agree to an exclusive relationship, and then to cheat. But consent for an exclusive relationship should be ongoing.

Anyway, cheating was still not okay. And if danger was the motivation, that implied to that it was cheating.

“Biggles, I have sothing I’d like you to do, that’s rather dangerous.”

His eyes lit up. “What?”

“There will be constant danger,” I emphasized. “And you will be well paid if you do the job well. Basically, I need soone in Tartarus.”

Need was strong. But it was the best idea I could think of at the mont. There might be other, better ideas in the future. “You want to represent you as so kind of ambassador?”

I shook my head. “No. I want you to pretend to have nothing to do with , as a spy. I need to understand their politics better, and so you’ll have to find so informants and ask so nosy questions. Maybe even acquire so docunts, copy them, and put them back. If you’re caught, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.”

“Secretary?” he asked, looking at Lysandra and Lesseth. “I see you know how to treat secretaries.”

Right. Goblin culture was intensely misogynistic, and no one here understood my Mission: Impossible references. “It was a slip of the tongue,” I said. “I’m tired. I an that I won’t admit to having anything to do with you. You’re on your own. On the other hand, return in a month or two with good info and you’ll be well compensated.” I’d co up with sothing else for him to do by then.

“And if I die a horrible death at the hands of demons?”

“How much more horrible can it get, really?”

He nodded. “Good point, well made! When do I leave?”

“Today. Actually, in an hour or so. You know, before you get into more trouble here.”

“You’re a bit smarter than our emperor, aren’t you?” he asked.

“I like to think so. Lesseth will brief you.” I gestured to Lesseth.

He grinned at Lesseth, looking her over with more than academic thoroughness.

Lesseth smiled back. “If you touch , I’ll turn to acid and burn your dick off,” she said.

“Might be worth it,” Biggles said. “But then I’d never get to carry out my dangerous mission. So maybe when I get back.”

“Yeah. Result will be the sa. Let’s go sowhere and I’ll tell you all about demon society. Abby’s very busy, let’s not waste her ti.”

They walked off, and Val looked at . “Do you think he’ll be a good spy?” she asked.

“I have no idea. He lives for danger and had enough skill to get away with the dildo. It’s possible. But I didn’t like the idea of an execution, and I certainly don’t like the idea of letting him take another shot at pinching sothing from Aurea or having him hang around Blowhaven.”

“You know, he did cause a great deal of trouble, and a lot of people died as a result. Especially goblins. Shouldn’t he be held responsible, and brought to justice?”

I nodded. “Probably.”

We looked at each other in silence for a long mont.

Gren walked in at that point, with reports that the goblins were ready to go back to the forest whenever I gave the word. I told her we had to wait until Kendala ca back, and she nodded. Then she looked between Valeria and I.

“What’s up with you two?”

“Abby told I was right about how to handle the thief, but she’s doing it differently anyway,” Valeria said. “So I’m just waiting for her to think it out.”

“It’s an ethical debate,” I told Gren. “A set of rules about justice, versus trying to make good use of a potential resource to enhance the general good.”

“Ah,” Gren said. “Ethics. You could be smooching, but no.” She looked at Lysandra. “Who needs them? Am I right?”

“I have my own code of ethics which I live by,” Lysandra said.

Lysandra struck as a generally good person, and so naturally, I was curious. “And what are those?” I asked.

She smiled at . “Whatever you say is right,” she said.

I waited for her to tell her code, but she just kept grinning at .

“That’s not ethics,” Valeria objected.

“Sure it is,” Gren said. “She has a system that guides her behavior.”

Valeria rolled her eyes. “What I’m concerned about is how people will behave if they think Biggles got away with it. But it doesn’t matter, Abby, because you can’t go back on your word now.”

I nodded. That was a legitimate concern. Not for the first ti, I wondered whether I was fit to be queen, but I’d have to keep doing the best job I could. Public sex was sothing I could do, but public executions were out.

By nightfall, Biggles was on his way east, and Kendala had returned from her mission. I went out with so of the others to greet her.

“All clear for the goblins to go back?” I asked.

“All clear,” she said, moving gingerly off the bicycle. “Sorry, I’m a bit sore.”

“That was a lot of riding,” I said sympathetically. “I’ll make it up to you tonight.”

She shook her head. “Um, no thank you? First of all, I’m your employee, so I do what you tell and you don’t need to make anything up for . Secondly, it’s not the riding that made sore. Third, the way you’d make it up to would only make it worse.”

Not the riding. Then what? “You didn’t use that thing before you gave it to Aurea, did you?” What was it with people who just couldn’t resist trying magical artifacts?

“Of course not,” Kendala said. “I used it afterwards. Or she used it on . A little of both, actually. And then I used it on her, of course.”

“Ah.”

“I didn’t want to anger a dragon by refusing,” Kendala said with a very serious face. But the corner of her lip was twitching.

“Of course not.”

“Also, it’s not every day a girl gets fucked on top of a pile of gems and jewels. It’s not comfortable, exactly, but it did feel decadent.”

I smiled. “I’m glad you had a good ti, Kendala.”

“Good ti? I was taking one for the team. Just like you were with her!”

“Yep,” I said. “Just like, I’m sure. We should commiserate soti about how rough we have it.”

“So what are you doing tonight? Centing relations with the cat girl? Knocking up the goblin babe?”

I blinked. “Why would I – I an, I wasn’t planning to even have sex with Maggie. She’s a bit volatile for . Why would I leap to trying to get her pregnant?”

Kendala stared at oddly, like I was clueless or sothing. I looked around at the others, wondering if they understood it too. Gren was chuckling, Lesseth was unreadable as usual, Lysandra smiled at .

“If you want to pretend it’s not part of your plan,” Lysandra said, “It’s fine with , and I support you.”

Valeria cleared her throat.

“Val? Help out?”

“Let’s see here,” she said. “You’ve gotten the princess of the Trolls pregnant, thus staking a claim that your child will be Gavabar’s heir. You knocked up Zargaza, thus doing the sa with the orcs. I know Lysandra isn’t taking maidenfriend.”

I looked at Lysandra, and she nodded. “No luck yet, though,” she said.

“So,” Valeria continued, “that would be soone in line for the Elvish throne, in short. And also the step-child of the Arch Fiend of Tartarus. Are you saying this wasn’t part of a systematic plan, Abby?”

“I am definitely saying it wasn’t part of a systematic plan,” I said. “Why did you stop taking maidenfriend, Lysandra?”

She shrugged. “Sa reason I do everything. Mind control. But don’t worry, I’m happy this way.”

aning, Lysandra had decided she wanted a child. It seed I mind-controlled her into doing whatever she wanted.