Getting ho is like a reward.
Every damn day, I stagger through that front door and fall face first on the couch. Lisa takes the recliner, saying she prefers to curl up and face the pain in a fetal position. I like to stretch out. It works.
Kellan has tactfully avoided ntioning how we look since the first day he brought us ho and made a small misstep, getting verbally eviscerated by Lisa.
He's in the kitchen now, ordering food from sowhere. I don't care where. As long as it's edible and I can eat it without having to care about table manners.
Lisa usually complains when Kellan orders sothing without input from either of us, but she's too absorbed in napping her pain away to care, either.
My phone buzzes on the table next to the couch, startling out of my exhausted daze. I grab it, my muscles protesting the movent, and see Clayton's na on the screen.
[Clayton: Just checking in. Hope you had a good day. Let know if you need anything.]
He's been so thoughtful, texting instead of calling ever since that first day when I could barely string two words together without yawning.
He seems to understand that I need space now. It's nothing like when I was at the Aspen pack and his desire to take as a mate was clear between us.
I'll take it at face value for now, because I can't handle thinking much deeper than that.
[Ava: Training was brutal as always but I'm hanging in there. Hope you're doing well too.]
I hit send and toss the phone back onto the coffee table with a sigh. Guilt twists in my stomach, an all too familiar sensation these days. I'm texting Clayton, though I asked Lucas for space. Maybe I should text Lucas, too.
After a minute, I grab my phone, driven by those complicated emotions stirring within .
[Ava: Hope everything's going okay for you! I'm doing great here. Kellan's been taking good care of us. Lisa loves it here.]
Okay, that's not quite a lie. She does like it—the little bit of it she's seen.
Every interaction with Clayton or Lucas feels loaded with complicated emotions and things left unsaid. I wonder if I'll ever be able to face either of them without this knot of uncertainty and longing tangling up inside.
A cramp seizes my belly and I wince, shifting on the couch to try to find a more comfortable position. But there's no escaping the pain.
It's an ache that grows in ti, gripping my insides, twisting them around, squeezing with each shallow breath I take.
I press my hand against my abdon, as if that will help the relentless onslaught of pain. But it does nothing.
I turn to my other side. Still no relief. It's futile. The pain is inescapable, pulsing through my body with a cruel insistence. It's as if my very bones are being twisted, my muscles knotted and strained to the point of breaking.
Tears prick at the corners of my eyes, but I blink them back. It cos in waves.
God, it hurts.
I curl in on myself, my knees drawing up towards my chest as if I could sohow contain the agony. My fingers dig into the couch cushions, seeking purchase, seeking anything solid to cling to as the pain threatens to sweep away.
I breathe through the worst of it, focusing on the soft give of the cushions beneath , the distant sounds of Kellan puttering around in the kitchen. Gradually, the cramps ease and I relax increntally back into the couch.
Ti is the only thing that ever takes care of it.
It always feels like hours, but it must be no more than minutes.
Either way, it's gone. It shouldn't co back for a while.
My eyelids droop as fatigue tugs at again. God, I'm so tired. I'm not usually this exhausted after training, but so days are bad.
Today, I guess, is one of them.
I'm tired of hurting, tired of doubting myself, tired of missing Lucas and Clayton and Selene. I just want to sleep and forget about all of it for a little while. Maybe when I wake up, things will seem a little bit clearer, a little bit easier to bear.
I let my eyes drift shut, surrendering to the exhaustion. Just a quick nap before dinner. Just a mont of peace. That's all I need.
* * *
A familiar voice stirs awake, but I can't open my eyes. Or move my body. Or do anything.
I don't know what they're saying.
The world is dark, and I slip back into blissful sleep.
* * *
Pain wakes the second ti.
Searing. Scorching. Raging and roaring through my veins.
I can't scream. I can't see.
Everything hurts.
I'm a helpless victim to it all.
It's like being stabbed and burning at the stake all at once.
My body's torn asunder.
I'm afloat sowhere, but that sowhere isn't here. Or there. Or anywhere.
Where am I?
I can't feel myself. I'm only sensation.
What's my na?
What is it?
Who am I?
I am pain.
* * *
Sothing cool surrounds .
Water.
It's everywhere.
I can't breathe.
I'm drowning.
My lungs scrabble for air, only to fill with more water.
It hurts.
I can feel my body, but it moves without conscious thought.
It isn't a flailing, violent death.
I try to escape, but there is none.
Only the deep.
Only the pain.
* * *
I'm awake again, but there's nothing.
No air.
No wind.
No sound.
Only a heavy weight crushing down.
Down.
Down.
My fingers scrabble against the dirt.
Dirt?
But there's no room to move.
No way to escape.
It's in my mouth.
It's in my nose.
I can't breathe.
Always, I can't breathe.
I'm tired of pain.
* * *
This ti, my eyes open.
Clouds pass. The sky is blue.
The sun shines.
It's beautiful.
But there's no air here.
Ah.
Is this death?
Over, and over, and over again.
Waking like this.
I'm sick of it.
Just end.
Just end it all.
I don't want to die again.
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