The asymtry of ti is its cruelest aspect. We may look back and see the ebb and flow of events, but not forward; we walk blindly through monts, never realizing that they are the most important of our lives. Only after long years do we recognize them for what they were - though we cannot see but the faintest glimpse of them now, through the dull haze of mory.
What would it be, to live the apex of ones life with that knowledge? To experience loves first kiss backed by the weight of all that follows, to see in a discovery the vast sweep of knowledge it unlocks?
It is a cold comfort that I should begin to pierce the veil now. I cannot help but see the authority with which each day unfolds, the weight of each leaden mont. The path curves ahead, stretching into the distance - but the ache builds in my feet, and I know the horizon is not ant for .
- Leire Gabarain, Annals of the Sixteenth Star, 693.
Batten hatches! the airman called, his boots tromping down the long tal gangway; Michael watched the ground crew pull the ramp away. A vibration shuddered through the ship, a low rumble that chattered his teeth together and evoked a droning sympathetic buzz from all around them.
Sobriquets hand gripped onto his forearm, tight as a shackle.
Ow, Michael said mildly. Were not even off the ground yet.
You cant see what theyre doing, she muttered. So many Embers, and the envelope up top is so thin- Michael felt her shudder. One well-aid shell, one loose rivet and well topple from the sky.
Yet they take the ship into combat with so regularity, Michael replied. Leire seems to have survived.
She shot him an annoyed glance. Im aware, she said. And I thought that this monstrosity must be quite durable for them to trust her to it, but no - from what I can see, it is a loosely-bound collection of fire, blades and scalding steam that is held together mostly by ndiko optimism.
I will pass on your design critique to Antolin when I see him next, Michael said. Besides, were just going across the strait to Estu. Well be over water for most of the trip, so if we fall-
I would advise leaving that sentence unfinished, Sobriquet said, closing her eyes. Just - let sit here quietly and ignore our inevitable demise.
Michael opened his mouth to reply, then thought better of it and laid his free hand over Sobriquets. Her grip on him softened, and he slid his arm free.
Im going to go to the observation deck, he said. She gave a quick jerk of her head in acknowledgent, her lips pressed firmly together and jaw set.
The vibrations intensified as he walked up towards the forward gallery; when he reached the vast semicircle of its windows he was surprised to note that they were already so distance from the ground. The shale-grey waters of the strait stretched out to the horizon, with the barest sliver of land visible amid the haze - Esrou, and the continent beyond.
Fifteen years since we built this monstrosity, Leire said from behind him. I never get tired of watching it soar.
Michael turned; she was sitting in an enclosed balcony near the rear of the room. Like her house, the airship had a parallel maze of shielded rooms and corridors specifically for her use. He walked to a chair near her platform and sat, watching the land drop away beneath them.
I really am sorry, he said.
Leire gave a derisive snort. For what? For dragging down to Estu? She laughed; Michael heard the creak of her chair as she shifted. You may have been the one to ask, but I know Antolin is using you to nursemaid . Its not the first ti hes done it, and it wont be-
She broke off, her emotions wavering within the white-hot glow of her soul. Well, she said. Its not the first ti, at any rate. She shifted in her chair once more. I suppose its for the best. Your friends must be eager to make their way towards Daressa once more.
Michael nodded. They are, he said. With the possible exception of Luc. I think hed stay in your villa forever if you let him.
In so ways, Leire said, it is more important that he depart the capital than you. He troubles .
Luc? Michael asked incredulously. Troubles you?
There was a long pause. His theory about Joss motivations in exchanging your hands has the ring of truth to it. Its not an experint we would have considered, but - the principles behind it are sound, especially if the Sculptor were used to reinforce that connection.
A shiver murmured down Michaels back. You think he, what - tried to imprint an affinity on us?
Leire made a noncommittal noise. Its usually considered impossible to impose affinity externally; its easy enough to encourage via controlled circumstances that few have tried. Jos always had a more - fluid understanding of the relationship between mind, body and soul.
She paused, seeming to intuit Michaels unasked question. Yes, we corresponded. I never t him; unlike you, he was never allowed to bear his soul into ndian. Jeorg encouraged him to write to , and pleaded with to entertain his questions - and in truth, I found him to be surprisingly insightful. I kept my correspondence with him for several years.
What ended it? Michael asked.
A slip, Leire said. He included copies of his research notes in so letters, as context or to solicit my opinion. I began to notice - discontinuities. Leaps of logic that ca suddenly, premises blithely stated that I found to be outlandish or misguided. It beca clear that he was redacting sothing from his notes; given his past, his soul and the nature of his research I was concerned. I wrote to Jeorg with my suspicions. Only a month later, Jos drove him from his directorship.
She cleared her throat. Suffice to say that his research was never constrained by the boundaries of ethics or morality; I scarcely need to tell you that. I have no doubt that his understanding of souls advanced trendously in the decades he spent on that island. The value he placed on your soul is clear, as is the monstrous skill he would have required to exchange your hand with Lucs. We must assu that his intent was to place a lasting bond between you and a more-biddable host for your soul, and I would never wager against that mans talent in achieving his aims.
Michael nodded slowly, turning away from the window to look at Leire; her face was drawn and pale. So you feel certain that Luc would gain my soul, should I die - and the others I carry within ?
There are no certainties on the frontiers of science, Leire sighed. But yes, I would assu that to be the case. His acquisition of your souls would be calamitous. He is too eager to please, too governed by fear. Had he been in your place, that first day within our borders, he would have been kept sedated for the rest of his natural lifespan in a quiet, dark room.
The shiver in Michaels spine spread into his gut. That was the plan for if I failed your test?
Ideally, Leire said, her face calm and expressionless. Or death. A rueful smile tugged at her lips. Dont give that look, boy. You know the stakes. Your soul is a gamble with catastrophe; you are alive because youve convinced the benefit outweighs the risk.
So you an to kill Luc? Michael rasped. Or to lock him in your dark room, never to awaken?
She shrugged. For now, he is not a threat. That test will be for you, and Antolin, and all of the others who continue when I am gone. n change. Perhaps under the gentle wear of decades Luc will find his peace. We may stand to benefit from Joss atrocity, distasteful as it is.
Michael turned to look out the window once more. I wouldnt wish this soul upon him even so, he said. He deserves that peace. His life has been hard, and my soul would only harm him.
It may be that he lives his full life and passes on before your ti cos, Leire conceded. Thats probably simpler. But I would not let him stray far from your sight, over the years. If death finds you sooner than you expect, he will be the epicenter of a calamity. Your friends, your comrades and lieutenants - you will need to tell them everything, so that they can act to contain him should the worst occur.
Couldnt we reverse it? Michael asked. Undo the bond? Even if it ant losing our hands, its a worthy sacrifice for a life.
Another smile flitted across Leires face. A noble thought, she said. But no. The paints are mixed; the brush knows only one color. Only death ends affinity. For the bond to break, the mote of human consciousness that anchors it must disappear.
Her words struck a chord in Michael; his hand ca up to rub against his breastbone. What if that mote never disappears? he asked.
She barked out a laugh. A bit early to be aspiring to immortality, she said. You cant hope to contain your soul forever. Inevitably- She broke off at the look in his eyes, the lines in her face deepening. You didnt intend that as a hypothetical.
Michael shook his head slowly; Leire leaned forward in her chair.
Speak, she said quietly. Right now. Say it plainly.
My soul - changed, recently, he said. When Seras sister died. Clair. She had no soul, and I could feel her slipping away. There was nothing I could grasp to hold her here, and I asked - my soul. The sa way I did when Jeorg died, I asked it to save her from the void beyond life.
Leires eyes narrowed, but she said nothing. Michael licked his lips and took a breath.
It saved sothing from her. A warm light inside , sothing that feels like Clair. It was the sa when Vincent died, his soul ca along with - him. Michael shook his head. Just those two. I can feel them inside , and others can feel their presence if I try.
Slowly, Leire sat back in her chair. Interesting, she murmured, although Michael could feel the twist of her emotion behind that calm facade. There have been theories about - gizakien arimak, is the term. Low souls. Consciousness has a very tenuous basis in biology, and weve long searched- She shook her head, glaring at Michael. I need my library! I have books, notes, letters-
She sighed and slumped back into her chair. I hate you, Michael Baumgart, she murmured. To give everything I want but ti; to taunt with mysteries that only my death will answer. Your existence is the most infuriating salvation I could have imagined.
Michael rose uncertainly from his seat. Im sorry? he ventured. I didnt intend-
Sit, she rasped. You do not get to leave so conveniently after whetting my appetite. Speak in detail of the low souls you carry, begin with descriptions of how it felt to acquire them. She reached down beside her chair for a sheaf of paper and a much-used pen, holding them poised over the broad armrest of her chair. Her eyes fixed on him, expectant.
Um, Michael said. The first was Clairs, as I said. She had been shot in the throat
He spoke, hesitantly at first, but the scratching of Leires pen lded with the drone of the airships engines; an odd peace ca over him as he recounted the horrors of his journey northward. Outside and around, the clouds stread by - and with every mont, the dark mass of the continent consud more of the south horizon.
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