841 Winding Down
It was a little closer to the morning than it was to the evening by the ti I drove us back to her place.
Just a little over eleven where the freeways were empty, the looming night colder, and the only constant source of company and life was just the two of us both.
Truth be told, it was actually nice while it lasted – long stretches of barren roads for miles and miles as far as the eye could see; twinkling twilight illuminated by headlights, and her warmth, her embrace keeping so very, very close.
Felt almost like we were transported off into a literal twilight zone of our own, dood to forever wander this lonely winterscape having nothing else but each other for peace and comfort.
Not that bad a deal at all, if you ask .
Besides, I’ve gone through harsher ordeals before. An eternal limbo actually sounds pretty peaceful.
But alas, that peace wouldn’t last. After a certain point in the journey, trees beco buildings, glimring stars beco flashing antennas stuck on even taller buildings, and the silent solace breaks away into the hustle and bustle of heavy traffic – because of course who the hell sleeps in the night of this city anyway, right?
Once we pulled up at her apartnt, I made sure to ride the elevator to the ding of her floor and walked her all the way to her front door like the true suave I sorely wish I was.
And as Amanda slowly staggered across her open doorway, shoulder slumped and body heavy from utter exhaustion, she turned around, facing the desolate hallway, the long white wall, and little ol’ left standing in the middle of both.
.....
She ripped off her scarf, relishing in finally a proper breath, and flung it backward in so piece of furniture sowhere she’ll have to pick it back up from later. In the hum of fluorescent lamps, the echoing rattle and thud as the lift was beckoned back down to the ground, the silent look in her eyes conveyed to a number of feelings that words couldn’t properly express.
A feeling of restlessness, dissatisfaction, the bittersweet disappointnt that cos when sothing good, sothing close to perfect finally draws near to its eventual end… and everything about the look she had yearned and desired for the complete opposite.
“What do I even say now, honestly…” she muttered, nervously chuckling, holding and leaning against the edge of her door so half her face only showed; and by that logic, only half of her embarrassnt too. “After everything, after all that’s happened, just… just goodbye?”
“Works for ,” I replied.
“Easy for you to say,” she said in an envious sort of way. “You’re not the one having to feel like the happiest person in the world right now.”
“I’m dating you, Amanda. Bold of you to assu that I ain’t already.”
“You see! You keep coming at with all of that and I’m supposed to just… walk away? close the door? mmm, on you?” she made a sound, an adorable, troubled sound. “I don’t really want to…”
A faint glimr resting against the side of the door caught her furrowed gaze, and slowly her eyes laid upon the silvery glint around her finger, and like a synthesizer board composed of only cuteness, she made another one of those sounds.
“And don’t even get started on this too, oh man…” with a giggling echoing glee, she pulled the bright glint closer to her, staring, admiring, at the almost pulsating light off of her finger. “You practically just turned into the world’s first white lantern wielder.”
“To an extent anyway,” I said. “I an, so far, it’s just the simple stuff that’s possible. If there’s anything else the ring allows you to do, I wouldn’t know. But be sure to give a heads-up first before you sohow start unlocking so superhero potential.”
“Well, girls are established to work better with magic in the lore than guys are,” Amanda said impishly. “So who knows for sure, right?”
The fantastic, flying, cri-fighting Amanda. Yeah, that’ll be the day… then again, I really shouldn’t be doubting that though. My entire life’s a foreshadowing, and I’ll be damned if any offhanded comnts made manage to ever escape from this giant shade.
“Anyway, I… I really, really enjoyed tonight,” she said, dropping her hand and slightly stepping back from the doorway. “Almost makes wish all nights were like tonight.”
“Sounds good. Until you realize if everything’s always special…”
“Then nothing will be, I know,” Amanda sighed, finishing for . “That’s why I said almost, silly.”
“Yeah.”
“Still,” she mused softly. “It is pretty tempting, don’t you think? Imagine that, if I can just have you all to myself…” then she stopped, returning back to reality, and gave her head a firm shake. “But I already do, don’t I?”
“Suddenly started getting a bit greedy there, didn’t you?”
“Speak for yourself,” she sniggered. “I’m not the one here busy for New Year’s, am I?”
Oof, touché’d. Ain’t coming back from that rebuttal. I’m hypocritical enough as it is.
“It’s okay though, I love you greedy,” Amanda said brightly. “Just make sure you’ll always save a piece for , alright?”
“I always do.”
“Indeed,” her eyes drifted to her ring again. “That you do.”
Suddenly, it was silence’s turn again to speak, and it had a lot it wanted to say. anwhile, the both of us, we just stood, we just stared, smiled, the both of us knowing deep down that this all needs to co to an end eventually, but neither willing to take that first step away from the other.
Ahh… I suppose the hardest choices always require the strongest wills, don’t it?
I began to take a step.
“W-Wait!” Amanda said, flicking her eyes wide before I could barely even move an inch. “I-I an, sorry, I didn’t an to… anyway I, you… do you…”
I returned my fraction of a step, facing toward her again. “Yes?”
“Do you want to co inside?” Amanda said so quickly and clumsily it felt like a whole ‘nother language she was speaking.
Luckily, as one all too fluent in the language of anxiety, I understood her completely.
“You want to stay the night?”
“If… if you want to,” she said, neither confirming nor denying anything. “It’s already pretty late, right?”
“Say I do, then…” I gave her a look, and just as our eyes t, she quickly looked away. “What do we do then?”
“We… sleep,” she began slowly, struggling to enunciate every word without stumbling. “Or if you want to… we could do sothing else too… you know, if you want to…”
“Like?”
“You got the hints! Don’t tease to death here, I’ll blast you!” she snapped, scowling at , her face flushed in red. “I… I’m just saying, you know? If you, you know… want to… then I… I won’t mind if we have…”
“You’re serious?” I interjected. “This coming from the girl too scared to even kiss in case I fall sick?”
“Yeah, and since you’ve already done that, there’s no harm in going a little further, right? Far as I’m concerned, you’re dead in the morning,” she argued back. “I… just… it’s like I said, I don’t want to say goodbye to you without giving anything back. So, that’s why, you know? If you feel like it, then I don’t mind if – ”
“You don’t have to give anything, Amanda,” I interrupted again. “You’d say the sa too. Yeah, you’ll pretend like you’ll want sothing back, but you won’t. The sa goes for too, alright? Love’s not a currency I’m selling, you’ll take it… and you’ll take it all for free, ‘kay?”
“I… I, uh…” Amanda fidgeted a little, hissing in a breath to clear the smog of thoughts in her head. “Okay, alright, you’re right… I… I understand. Selfless as you are selfish, what a paradox you are.”
I snorted at that.
“Speak for yourself.”
And so promptly, I begin to turn down the corridor again, parting with a smile, trailing away with a loving gaze, and ready to hear the echoing shut of her door.
Yet I heard sothing else instead.
“But what if…!” Amanda called out again, her words, the apprehension in her voice tugging back in place, seeing her expression transform to an even deeper shade of red as she muttered, “But what if I said that… that I feel like it instead? That... what if... I wanted it instead?”
Then with all the willpower she could muster, Amanda forced her gaze to et mine again. I could see her completely dying inside of her eyes, as she squird, as she waited, her breath bated, waiting for to give my answer.
As for , I didn’t know what to think, what to say… so I just did… I gave my answer.
I lifted my foot, shifting it, and slowly bringing it down a step closer to her doorway, and then…
Amanda lurched forward – exploding in a barrage of coughs and wheezes. She hacked, she gasped, breathing in deeply only to expel it all back out violently. It was the worst coughing fit she had yet just tonight.
And when she was done, when she had again regained control of her lungs and throat, Amanda rose back up, looking more feebler and frailer than ever… droning out in discomfort like a zombie rising from the dead.
Yet still, the first thing she did was to look back at , still waiting for my response.
Suffice it to say, my foot never reached her doorway.
“Guess that answers that question, then,” I muttered, smiling, leaning forward to give her a peck on the head instead. “Goodbye, Amanda.”
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