Chapter 685: Elvish Insecurities
Just what the hell am I doing right now, seriously...
And just what the hell do I an by what the hell am I doing? Of course, I know what the hell I’m doing. I’m just about done putting up the finishing touches on this side of the tree.
Yup, decorating the tree, that’s just all I’m doing. Nothing more, nothing less. See, I do know what the hell I’m doing... so I suppose what I actually really wanna know after all is...
Why the hell was I not doing anything else?
Ash was just directly on the other side, through a clutter of pine leaves and branches, she was there, the lofty sway of her hair like a glaring reminder protruding out the corner of my eye.
I could hear her grunts as she reached up for the higher parts, light exhales as she occasionally stepped back to reassess her work. For a first-tir on festive decor, she sure had a keen eye when it ca to presentation. I watch her repeat this pattern, mixing and matching again and again trying to reach the perfect combination and look, and not once did she ever betray that look of joy she wore while doing so.
Indeed, she was pretty much the sa ol’ Ash I’ve always known and loved... but why? Was there no period of grief? Had I just imagined it all? Her absence all day long, the somber tone of her voice behind locked doors? Or was she just simply ignoring that that all ever happened in the first place, placed so fresh bandages on the wound? And if so...
.....
Was it really alright for to rip them all off again?
“Master?” Her voice suddenly filled the silence, a casual gaze peering at from around the corner, and for so irrational reason, I couldn’t help but freeze stiff seeing them. “Perchance, do you happen to have anything blueish of color you’ve no qualms at all with parting with? I feel so contrast is what I require to achieve a harmonious blend of adornnts.”
“Blueish, huh?” I looked around my side, skimd through the contents of my box. I bent down, picked up a piece, a pair of pretty bells, but... “Would green do?”
Ash contemplated for a mont, then, “I suppose it’ll have to,” She erged from out the sa corner, reaching out and taking the bells from without even batting an eye. “Thank you, Master. Why I daresay they might be even better than what I’ve originally envisioned.”
I tried to reciprocate with a smile, and if nothing else, I’m sure am glad it was still damn dark out. Wasn’t as obvious like this.
“Glad I could help.”
And I think it was that very mont there that clinched it for . I went back to draping the tree drip before I realized I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I did not just have her relieve her worst mories for just to simply sweep it all under the rug.
Ti to stop beating around the bush-or, uh, tree, for this matter-and ask what I really should have asked her long ago.
Deep breath now...
“Hey, Ash...” I looked dead ahead, my own somber reflection staring at in a stream of green beads. “Never did say, but... are you alright?”
No grunts, no exhales, on the other side, deafeningly, was a complete and total silence... lasting a few seconds that felt longer than it seed before she spoke, “Why do you ask, Master?”
Was she just asking? Was she still just ignoring? Or was she just simply too reluctant to really answer?
I pressed on. “You worried , rember? And just so you’re aware, I still am very much. After all, a lot happened, didn’t it? After last night.”
“I suppose so...”
“And today you were distant, different...” I fumbled briefly while hanging up a bauble. “Can’t really expect to just brush that off. I’m happy you’re fine now, don’t get wrong, but... are you though?”
Ash again fell back to silence, but a rustle in the branches told she wasn’t wholly unresponsive, still ever so devoted to finishing her task.
“You said you needed ti to reflect on things, and y’know, I don’t mind if you need a little more. If you’re just forcing yourself to look alright for , then I don’t want-”
“I do not pose, Master, I assure you,” Ash interjected, speaking gently. “How I am now is simply as is. How I acted earlier was rely a passing phase.”
“A phase of what?” I asked. “Grief?”
“Grief, sorrow, regret, anger, guilt...” Ash added on. “...fear.”
“Fear?”
“Fear of you, Master,” Ash clarified. “Fear of your words, of your reactions, now knowing what you know of , the things I’ve done, the things you’ve seen. I did not wish for you to see today for I feared what I may see myself upon peering back into your eyes.”
“What?” I looked around the corner again, only she wasn’t there. “Did you think that I’d hate you or sothing?”
“Hate...” She whispered, and I could hear the faint amusent in her tone. “No, most likely not. You can never, Master. But I will not pretend that the notion did not strike then along with disgust, contempt. But alas, I supposed what I was truly afraid of was the prospect that you will no longer think of the sa way you always have. That you will no longer look at the sa way that you always do.”
Right then, even the rustling had stopped now. All this ti, I had thought she was wallowing in a reopened wound of the past. That she just needed so ti again to recover... but this, what she was saying... it was the sa thing I had been agonizing about all that ti before.
With Adalia, spilling my worries to her, asking her that question I couldn’t find an answer to-can I still love her the sa way I always do?
How strange. And here I was thinking I was the only one stressing over it.
“Is that why you ca to now?” I asked. “Ready to see for yourself?”
“Among various other reasons, yes.”
“Reasons like?”
“The desire of your company once more. Or even the temptation of indulging in great festivities alongside you. Ti and ti again, they have proven a compelling urge. Alas, the fear I held simply continued to persist, and so I stayed. ”
So Amanda was right on the money. The party was a great move on her part... just not exactly the correct solution.
“But now I am done allowing that fear to take hold of ,” Ash said. “I long to be with you again, Master. To keep myself away from you would only be a greater misery. So that is why I am here now... despite my fear, despite everything... because more than anything, Master... I just simply wish to see your face again.”
Turns out, I didn’t need a bombastic party to lure her out of her shell. All I needed after all... was simply .
“So tell then, Master,” Ash slowly said, and faintly, I could pick up the tightness in her tone. “Right now, before you, knowing what you know, what do you see?”
Then there it was, those illustrious gleams in the night, the shimr of eyes erging and eting mine, looking so apprehensive, tense, waiting for my answer.
And just like with Adalia, I didn’t hesitate for even a second.
“You, Ash,” I responded, staring as I always do, smiling as I always do, always and forever looking at her. “I just see you.”
A mont passed. Her eyes flickered, and imdiately they began to soften.
“Then I’ve simply made much of a fool of myself, haven’t I?” She sighed. “Keeping you at arm’s length, shutting myself away, inquiring of such a thing-thinking, acting as if I do not already know that you will co to accept no matter what.”
“You’re not perfect, Ash,” I said to her. “I never expect you to be.”
“But alas, there is still much that you don’t know of ...” She muttered, that look of apprehension resurfacing. “What you’ve seen last night was rely a small fraction of a whole. If you just knew of what I’ve done...”
“Then tell , I’ll listen,” I gently urged. “And when you’re finished, I’ll just go ahead and accept you all over again.”
Ash stared at for so ti, and it was like my very existence utterly mystified her or sothing.
“Unconditionally, Master...” She whispered, blinking at with a gaze that couldn’t quite comprehend. “How, I wonder of you... how is it that you can love so unconditionally?”
Again, I didn’t take long for an answer.
“As I said, I know you’re far from perfect, Ash,” I said. “But as you are right now, scars, faults, and flaws, even with all of that, to you’re more than perfect already.”
“But...”
“Even if you think I’m wrong for it,” I quickly added. “And yeah, sure, it’s biased, it’s ignorant, but trust , that’s not going to stop from wanting to see you how I see you. Or what-do you actually want to hate you?”
Her eyes widened with alarm at that, and just seeing her that panicky, I went and imdiately backtracked. “I’m kidding, obviously.”
“A terrible joke, Master,” Ash whispered, clenching fingers gripping tightly at my shirt. “But I suppose I am much of the sa... your imperfections, your flaws, your awful sense of humor...”
“Hey...”
“All of it,” She said firmly. “I wouldn’t change a single part of it.”
“Both ways, see?” I cocked my head at her. “So if you can love for despite being . Then can I please have your permission to simply love you for you?”
“Permission... you ask of ... oh...” I saw her lips faintly twitch at that. “Very well, Master... if you would have .”
I took her words as literally as possible, and did what I’ve always wanted to do since I rose from that nightmare oh so long ago.
“Don’t mind if I do,” I said, and wrapped my arms around her in a tight, unyielding embrace. with no intention whatsoever of ever letting go.
At least for the next five minutes.
“Y’know,” I said. “I just realized you still never answered my question... sure you’re alright?”
Ash slowly wrapped her own arms around , holding even tighter, firr, and perhaps with even stronger intentions.
“I am now,” She answered.
And for this ti, hearing the delight in her voice, the tenderness... I felt more than inclined now to finally believe her.
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