Su Mu stood quietly in the bathroom, seemingly unaware of what had happened behind her. Her mind was in chaos, and so was her heart. She looked at her trembling hands, hardly daring to believe what she had just done to Qiqi. Yet the tactile sensation lingered, and she felt the ache, confirming the reality—she had indeed struck with force.
She understood Qiqi, so once Su Mu cald down, she also realized why Qiqi did what she did. Qiqi simply thought that when she was sick, Su Mu could be by her side, and so could Fu Shinian. Even at night, they could sleep beside her, left and right, which was a mont she cherished. She knew that once she stopped having a fever, it would no longer be possible for her and Fu Shinian to interact in the sa way, leading her to resort to such an extre asure.
Ultimately, it was Su Mu’s fault, not Qiqi’s.
Su Mu closed her eyes as her heart sank to rock bottom.
She turned and left the bathroom, walking out without a word at the sight of Fu Shinian holding Qiqi on the bed. Fu Shinian’s frown deepened as he watched her retreat. Even Qiqi stopped crying, struggling to call out for Su Mu, fearing she would never return. Fu Shinian knew she was worried that Su Mu would leave and not co back.
Fu Shinian hugged Qiqi tightly, softly comforting her:
"Qiqi, don’t worry. Su Mu won’t abandon you, just give her so ti to calm down."
Qiqi cried even harder in Fu Shinian’s embrace:
"I didn’t want this. The water was so cold, and I didn’t want to get a fever either. But only when I’m sick do you stop arguing and stay by my side. I just want to be with you, I had no other choice..."
Qiqi’s words pierced deeply into the core of Fu Shinian’s heart. If Su Mu’s insistence on not returning to his side was the cause of Qiqi’s imperfect childhood, then what did his pushing Su Mu and Qiqi away in the first place represent?
Indeed, he was the real culprit.
Fu Shinian took a long ti to soothe Qiqi, worried that the cold bath earlier might cause her to have a fever again at night. He gave her dicine in advance. Qiqi seed tired too, and soon fell asleep, but her whole body was curled up, her hand tightly clutching Fu Shinian’s finger, not loosening even in sleep.
Later, when Qiqi was sound asleep, Fu Shinian carefully got up and stepped out, leaving the room door open so he would hear if Qiqi woke up.
On the second-floor corridor of Bishui Yuntian, there was a small balcony. After stepping out, Fu Shinian looked in that direction and, sure enough, Su Mu was standing on the balcony, lost in thought. He glanced back at the sleeping Qiqi and walked towards the balcony.
Su Mu was smoking.
Previously, Fu Shinian had also occasionally sat here, so there was a pack of cigarettes and a lighter on the side table. Su Mu was probably feeling extrely stifled inside, hence the smoking.
Fu Shinian had said that he wouldn’t allow Su Mu to smoke in front of him, and he rembered his words well. Yet in this mont, he made no move to stop her, understanding and hence indulging.
For a very long ti, Fu Shinian said nothing. Maybe he knew Su Mu’s mind was a ss, maybe he knew she also felt guilty about the slap, or maybe he really didn’t know what to say.
It wasn’t until Su Mu finished her cigarette and reached for a second that Fu Shinian finally held her hand:
"Enough."
Su Mu didn’t look at Fu Shinian, instead scoffing coldly:
"If I say this is the first ti I ever hit her, would you believe ?"
"Why wouldn’t I?"
Su Mu laughed, "I used to think Wen Shaoyuan was the most sensible child I had ever seen, but it was only after having Qiqi that I realized her thoughts were even finer than Wen Shaoyuan’s. So fine that a three-year-old child could be considerate of my feelings and thoughts. Because she is sensible, she never questioned about you. She didn’t say a word, almost as if she knew ntioning it would sadden ."
"She accepted from the very beginning that she didn’t have a father, and I did my best to give her all my love and company, to fill that void. She grew up fine, and her psyche was not at all affected by the absence of a father because she was so well-behaved in front of . So, I got the feeling that perhaps not every child needs a father."
"But ever since you appeared, ever since I saw you interacting with Qiqi and how she depends on and trusts you, I realized I was wrong. She was just suppressing her longing for a father for my sake, and I took advantage of her understanding to evade responsibility."
Su Mu laughed at herself derisively:
"I’m supposed to be the parent, but it seems I have little convincing power. These years, I’ve been cared for by my own three-year-old child."
After reuniting, Su Mu rarely spoke at such length to Fu Shinian. He listened quietly by her side, not uttering a word until tears flowed down Su Mu’s cheeks. Then, he sighed:
"It’s my fault."
"Of course, it’s your fault." Su Mu looked at him, her emotions pouring out, "If you hadn’t made leave, claiming Qiqi wasn’t your child, why would I have let Qiqi grow up lacking a father? I know you and Qiqi have a good relationship. She trusts you, relies on you, likes you, and wants to be with you all the ti. As her mother, a role capable of going through fire and water for her child, I should have cast everything aside to return to your side, even if it was for Qiqi’s sake."
Fu Shinian looked at Su Mu:
"You can’t do it."
"Yes, I can’t. Now you want us to co back, to enjoy the joy of a family reunion, but it was the sa with our divorce years ago. You painted a future for that I couldn’t refuse, then shattered it right before my eyes after I believed in it, calling delusional."
Su Mu scoffed coldly: "Fu Shinian, I really don’t know if I co back, when and for what reason you will push us away again. How many tis has it been? Every ti things got better between us, the next mont I was hit with another blow. I’m truly scared. I don’t want to keep oscillating between hope and despair. I could perhaps endure it myself, but if Qiqi also has to experience the pain of gaining and then losing, I’d rather she never had it from the start."
Fu Shinian offered no explanations for himself. He just looked at Su Mu and said:
"If you co back, I will not leave again, even if we have to die together."
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