*Click*
The tiny key in my hand went into its predesigned lock. With a light twist, a sound vibrated into the air. Albeit faint, in this quiet space between my destination and the cold concrete stairs behind, I could notice it without any trouble. And the click had its own significance to my ears, as well. It was not just an audible confirmation that all of these locks were now undone but also signified the end of my struggles.
"...That was easy."
Clutching the stolen tal piece, I wondered if Laura and Rachel had not noticed or if they ignored completely. In all honesty, I did not care that much.
Not anymore, to be exact. I reached my goal, and whether or not those two paid attention to was no longer relevant. Very soon, our class representative and the housewife would not need to worry about for good.
The only reason I had not run out and jumped was due to a charming faceless person. Unlike him at that ti, when utter loneliness made his heart wither in grief, the current C definitely would not appreciate putting an end to myself. He went out of class and risked being detained by his girls to find a way to prevent that in the first place.
Ironically, I was trying to find a way to speed things up.
"If I could, I would like to see you one last ti." My broken voice fell on deaf ears. "We are going separate ways here, my dear faceless main character..."
As expected, no response ca forth. But then again, that was to be expected. There was no one here except for . That was what I truly wanted. All of that yelling and all of that screaming was solely for this purpose.
Yes.
Definitely.
...Absolutely.
Who was I kidding, anyway? I had no right to ask for anything. With these two dirty hands, C was shoved away. He was told to not co after . Therefore, I had to endure this emptiness all by myself.
Even before committing that grave mistake, I already did not deserve anything in this world. Not C, not a happy family, nothing. Even the word nothing was too valuable for soone like . Asking for C to co to find this useless piece of human waste after yelling at him at the highest volu was, without a doubt, brainless.
What kind of idiot thought she could make her wish co true with such childish actions? If anyone asked why I acted like such a fool, there would be no answer other than that I was simply an imbecile. A stupid girl who had no idea how precious life was. An immature brat whose only desire was to get back at everyone around her because of her own misfortune.
Soone who should have been thrown off from the start.
Soone who should not have been born.
That was why, if I had to say one thing, it would be a thank you for Rachel's key still in my hand.
At the least, it helped distract a little from the disturbing curses I have for myself for making C feel my pain. Other than my internal voices calling degradation terms and my erratic hiccups, there was no sound prior to the unlocking click.
At best, the key gave the only chance to do sothing I had always dread of trying. And even though that would only happen once, one ti was more than enough to set , this iteration's Kurokawa, free. All of this misery, all of this overthinking, all of these hurtful days, and more would finally reach their end.
The mont when I would leave everything behind forever—that day had arrived.
Undoubtedly, I could have asked C to touch my hand. While contemplating the pros and cons of doing so and fearing for his life, C would probably not decline such a request since his heart was uncomplicated and pure. After all, his girlfriends had changed. A re touch would not be so bad anymore.
Laura was free from her route, then Rachel, so it would make sense if it happened to , too. I did not need a Ph.D. in Science to co to that conclusion.
And yet, when I faced him, words failed to form, and sentences never took shape. Except for my hideous envy plus a massive storm of shaful displays of self-hate, the word help never ca into my conversation with C, no matter how frantic I wanted to say it.
I had no idea why, frankly. The only thing I could describe was sothing akin to having my tongue-tied.
Perhaps it was my fragile ego, or maybe it was sothing entirely different. Nonetheless, that simple word never seed to pass into my brain.
I regretted that. I regretted that with all the fiber of my being, with all the atoms that ford my physical body. It made realize just how pathetic I really was as a human.
incorrect, to put it lightly.
"Sigh..." A heavy breath ran away from my chest.
No. I was pathetic as a character in a ga. Calling human was... incorrect, to put it lightly.
"Sigh..." A heavy breath ran away from my chest.
A sigh that felt like the wind blowing through empty streets. A sigh that sounded like a waver of defeat, containing my last sliver of hope, faded into thin air.
Pushing on the rooftop door with the other arm, I was surprised. Blood was still dripping from the wound on my hand onto the floor after hitting the mirror. There was no pain, though. It seed I was too used to that degree of laceration, so this much was within the tolerable zone. With a history of this thing on my forehead, created from a much bigger cut, hardly anything could make jump anymore.
What made stop was the ss I created with my hand. Again. Rather than feeling uncomfortable from the open wound, I worried more about making soone else clean up my mistake.
From the top of the stairs down to the hallway below were crimson pools made of my blood. As if a disgusting slug crawled onto the rooftop, its slimy reddish discharge dripped and left behind a filthy, horrendous trail. Until soone decided to do sothing, it would continue to stay there. Or even worse, the tiles would have so permanent brown spots that would be near impossible to clean.
"You're right, Mother." My voice was hoarse from misuse. "I should have stayed at ho."
Mother always said I was a failure in life. Anything I touched, no matter the intention behind my action, would break in one way or another. Since I ruined her life, I could wreck everyone else's lives. And even though I never doubted her words, with this undisputed evidence, everything Mother told proved correct.
Like maggots or viruses, these thoughts always ca whenever sothing wrong arose. It could be because of Mother's punches and kicks or simply her disdainful eyes, full of disappointnt and resentnt toward my existence. Either way, as long as there was a trigger, deep dark thoughts inside would be unleashed, and they would eat alive until god-knew-when.
What did C get from trying to help ? Simple. A disaster.
Hopefully...even the mories of him will disappear with my death.
As long as I lived, I would fail. Calamity would befall those that were close to . That was what Mother taught since my eyes first opened.
"I'm sorry." Mumbling an apology to so unknown entity, I continued opening the tallic door in front. "If I had the ti, I would clean those up. So, so terribly sorry..."
My whole body leaned on the tal door of the rooftop, and it swung open with a loud creak. Instantly, a pleasant wind washed over , blowing away the tears I had on both cheeks for quite so ti.
Contrary to the dimly lit tight space inside, the outside area was much more grand. Our fake sun was still high in the azure blue sky, freely distributing its light without a care in the world. Surrounding that luminary was many cotton spot-shaped clouds, floating rrily to a distance further than the eyes could ever see.
Anyone could say we were having a warm sunny day on top of our school. A perfect day and perfect weather for an ultimately flawed and subpar character.
The more I moved toward the edge, the more I could see our schoolyard. Since classes were in session, no one, not even the shadows, was available. Thanks to that tranquility, the scene of our school's Sakura tree in the middle was unobstructed in front of my eyes.
Sadly, there was no flower on it. If there was, this would have been even more morable for my final mont.
"I have a deja vu."
However, feeling nostalgic about this place was odd as I had never been here before. Rachel always held the key, so I never ventured this far. Diving into the fantasy worlds of books during lunchti was also one of my favorite practices, so there was no need for to ever be at this place.
Perhaps, unless the plot wanted to appear, which did not occur, I would never have co to the rooftop of my volition like that.
Yet, completely unexpected, I was brought to it once under C's ability.
In the iteration that both Laura and I saw, it was this place where C threw himself down the edge after having a ntal breakdown. No one was there to stop him. Laura was dead with a morial ceremony dedicated to her, Rachel was nowhere to be seen, and I was...with Han, probably planning my demise.
Regardless, those were not what gave my heart the finishing blow. It was what C did.
While falling to his death, C said...that his love was a sin.
"If I jump now, we will have another thing in common." Disturbing words ca out of my mouth.
I did not know who he loved. A wild guess would point the answer to probably Laura, not . It could have been anyone but . I was repulsive and depraved beyond words. Who on Earth would pay attention to such a lowly and vile creature?
No one was an obvious answer.
To tell the truth, it pained to see his anguish like that. How much would one suffer to say their love is a sin and kill themself afterward? Even now, I still would not describe my feelings for C to be sinful. I, the depression reincarnated, the avatar of edginess, would still not call my love a sin.
Then, what did C experience that he turned from a person with a witty catchphrase such as "eyes forward, dick downward." to absolute despair and misery?
That thought alone kept frozen on the rooftop.
I rembered crying while hugging his silhouette in the classroom. I rembered bawling my eyes out while reaching for C's fingers and trying to catch his lonely body. I rembered how determined he was to finish his will. My faceless protagonist spared himself no ti to rest and none to think.
In the first place, he had made his choice. He was like right now, unable to endure the agony any longer.
As the wind ran through my hair, making each strand float like a shrunken-down black river, I made a tardy wish.
Sothing that was not ant for the future but the past.
I wished I could have been there for C. I wished I could have shared his pain so he would not have to sink so low. I wished I could have just stayed by his side. To share the burden, to comfort each other. To beco his support, to make him...not...kill...himself.
[No. No! How did she even go there?! I can still make it! I CAN STILL MAKE IT!]
"KUROKAWA! I BEG OF YOU! PLEASE RECONSIDER!!!"
He ca. For the second ti, C ca. Although he was still not close enough for to hear him clearly, it was enough for his inner voice. They were both filled with uncertainty and dread.
"Ha ha..."
Then, I realized sothing.
It was funny. Hysterical, even.
"Ha...ha ha ha...We...are *Hic* really alike... Aren't we?"
My desire was a carbon copy of what C had been trying to do for all this ti. Like how he wanted to save my life, I was looking back into the past and wished I could do sothing for him. It was amazing how everything ca back as a loop.
All this ti, I had thought of him as a companion, a soul vibrating at the sa frequency as mine. Soone whose heart was painted with scars like my body. And I was about to leave him just like that.
I could not do it.
I could not...hurt C any more than I already did. It would haunt even in the afterlife if I did.
"Naive, Kurokawa. You are very naive. So may even call you *hic* childish."
My plan had a terrible drawback. At the sa ti as my freedom, soone...One person...C...would be hurt profoundly. It could only work if no one knew about it. Since I was in a daze and did not fix my bad arm, it was simple to say that my little pursuit failed terribly.
There was no doubt how deep it would cut him, seeing jumping to my death.
That feeling... that gut-wrenching, reality-shattering pain of seeing your loved ones dying could only be described by those who experienced it. Because of how nightmare-inducing it would be, one could not forget it even if they could. Unless...they found a way to remove it from themself, be that thod conventional or not.
Still, would my death be impact full such as that of Laura's or Rachel's? Would my final mont give him such grief that he would want to destroy himself?
C cared about . He cared about us. He cared about every single goddamn character in this goddamn ga. That was his biggest strength and weakness at the sa ti.
"Because I don't, C. *Hic* I don't care about anyone else but and you. I care if you don't choose . Laura, Rachel, anyone else, they don't matter to . *Hic* Mother never wanted . They, too, did not. I only have you. Besides you, I will not be able to find another person to love."
Would I finally be able to be your first pick? A winner?
In my hand, a key was there. C's past and my present converged thanks to its help.
"To think that I stole this to prevent his death initially."
The key flew in the air with no apparent resistance.
"I *hic*...don't know anymore... I don't know what to do... I can't.."
Useless Kurokawa.
Useless.
Useless. USELESS. USELESS! Completely useless. Garbage. Filthy.
Why was I like that? Why was I always so stupid? It took all of my courage to finally arrive at this place! And all of a sudden did not want to do it anymore!
Why? Why!?
WHY!??
"WHY!!!???" I cried with an uncontrollable voice. "What choice do I have?! How can I possibly escape this hellish nightmare? Tell *Hic* , C, why do I still wait for you?!"
*Wham*
The tal door between our rooftop and the rest opened with force.
"BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE LOVED!!! YOU KNOW IF YOU JUMP, YOU ARE GOING TO BE ALONE! JUST A DIFFERENT TYPE OF ALONE!" He shouted.
[Thank god! Thank god! Thank god!]
And I replied with an intense tone in my voice. "You're right! But who's going to give what I need? You?!"
No! I did not want to say that!
"You have not one but two girlfriends, C. How on Earth do you expect to provide for everyone? It's not an endless resource, you know?"
He stood still in his place after my words, just like before. I hurt him. Again!
"You see this?" My fingers moved down to the middle of my chest. "This place can only hold one person. And that is not my Mother nor myself. It is you. I am looking for an equal amount of dedication and affection."
"Yet...yet I know it's hard. It's downright ridiculous to ask you that! I know it clearly! Don't believe ? Have a feast!"
Then, I unbuttoned my shirt, leaving my top half fully naked. Unfortunately, unlike the beautiful figures of Laura and Rachel in the ladies' room before, C saw a hideous image.
C said nothing but bit his lips, so hard blood was coming out.
"Are you sure these things are acceptable? Let give you a brief history. This was from this morning. This was from two days ago. This particular spot used to be smaller." Pointing at places across my abdon, I lost all sense of sha. I had no idea what I was doing any longer.
"And even if for so scar fetish that allows you to look at these with an erection, you will still have to live with this personality of mine." My arms opened up to both sides. "Gloomy, pathetic, depressive... I have everything in the books and outside of them. You know what my Mother wished for when I gave her a present this year? An abortion."
Please...stop...
No...more...
Stop...hurting him... Did you not see his trembling hands and feet?
"Go back, C. I appreciate the gesture, but no one can love . Soone with my flesh and blood didn't. And so would you. I am not worthy of being loved. Never did. Never will."
No! Stay!
"You're wrong."
Imdiately upon hearing his defiant words, I fought back: "What do you an I'm wrong?"
What did you an by that?
"You're wrong." Shaking his head, C stepped forward. "I am not denying your feelings and emotions."
"Then what is it!?" Tears ran down my face. The strong winds helped wash them away, but still too many.
Closer and closer, he made his way toward the edge, toward . Not once did he seem to falter. His steps were steady and assertive.
"What is it? C? What's wrong about not worthy of love?"
Again, no answer from him. Strangely enough, there was no inner voice, too. It seed as though he had made his resolution clear of any deviation.
One step. Two. Then three. Then four seconds passed,
the sa ti it took to see C running to his doom.
We did not say a word to each other.
Finally, he grabbed my wounded hand that extended in front of . When I did that, I had no idea.
"Because if you thought you were not, you would not have told your pain."
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