I've only been in jail for five minutes and I've already been raped twice.
My uncle really doesn't ss around when playing Monopoly.
...
That was just an uncle joke. Don't mind it.
But Erect did mind sothing else.
"I can't accept your father as my uncle, my lord. I am not deserving enough for that."
Bruh, if we're talking about deserving, then I also didn't do anything to deserve a father who treats milk like a personal religion.
"Fine. And get that bottle away, old man. How did you even store it?"
"Well, I directly targeted m—"
"Don't finish that sentence. I'll make the Aliens drink it."
"Sure."
"My son!"
Another hug.
This ti, it was my mother.
I hugged her back, but she quickly pulled away to examine like a suspicious item at a flea market.
"Have you been eating? You look so thin."
Yeah, Mom, the unicorn sen diet has been doing wonders.
"It's been four days since I left the village. I physically can't shrink that fast."
"My grandson!"
"Grandma!"
She ran up and hugged . The only person I truly loved. Even if she was a goblin, her warmth never changed.
After the hug, she stepped back and squinted at .
"You've lost weight!"
"I know. But now that you're here, everything is fine."
My mother blinked. "When I said that, you argued with !"
Sorry, Mom. I'm biased toward your mom.
"Don't be jealous of your mom, Mom. Move on." I patted her head. She kicked the ground like a toddler. Grow up, woman. You have a son now.
"My nephew!"
Ah, Goblin Aunty Sofia.
For clarity: Sophia is Erect's sister. Sofia is my mother's sister. If you can't tell the difference, drop out of school and stop wasting your parents' money.
"You've gotten more handso," she said.
"And I think you've gotten smarter," I replied.
"You bet I have! I even stopped climbing over glass walls to see what's behind them."
"Er... right. Good for you."
Didn't know she was that stupid. If she ever got locked inside a furniture store, she'd probably sleep on the floor.
Anyway, she stepped aside, and the next person ca.
"My grandson!"
My grandpa.
We hugged, and then he pulled back with a grin.
"Lost your virginity yet?"
Not exactly subtle, old man. But I answered honestly.
"Nope. Had plenty of chances, but if I took them, I'd lose all interest in sex forever."
"Hah! Don't worry. You'll get more chances. You're the Hero King."
He patted my shoulder. Burly, white-haired, mustached—handso. Must be where I got my looks from.
"I still rember my first ti," Grandpa said.
He must have done another race.
"With whom?" I asked.
"An orc."
Called it.
"An orc?" Erect asked, eyes wide.
"Yes, child." Grandpa replied. "It was the first ti for both of us."
Erect leaned in, curious. "How was it?"
Why are you so interested, man?
Grandpa looked at the sky with nostalgia. "It was a pain in the ass."
Wait.
"A pain in the ass? Who exactly lost their virginity to whom?"
Grandpa coughed. "Well, you can't bla the orc. It was his first ti too."
"HIS?!" My eyes widened. "Wait... so it was a pain in the ass because... Don't tell —"
"I thought he was a female, okay? But by the ti I realized the mistake, it was too late. So I just went with it."
"You just went with it? That wasn't so amusent park ride, man!"
"I know, I know... but hey, the orc was happy, so that counts for sothing."
Grandpa laughed. I side-eyed Erect, wondering what he thought of my family.
"Don't mind him, Erect. He just likes to joke."
Erect gave a complicated smile. "It's fine, my lord. Now I'm absolutely sure that I'm not deserving enough to receive your family."
...I'm not sure if that was praise or an insult. Moving on.
"Let introduce you all to these two." I gestured to Erect and Sophia.
"Oh! You got yourself a girlfriend! That's my son!" My father bead.
I wish that were true.
"No, this young man is the strongest Hero on the continent, and that girl is his sister. She sees as an older brother, so she's my sister too."
"Nice to et you," Erect bowed.
"Nice to et you," Sophia did the sa.
"Oh! Your na is Sofia too!" Goblin aunty Sofia perked up.
As expected. She lacked the education to distinguish between Sophia and Sofia. The two shook hands and beca instant best friends.
Then my mother stepped forward and touched Sophia's face gently.
"I always wanted a daughter. Consider us family, dear."
Oh? That was surprisingly normal. Maybe Mom could hold a conversation without—
"Would you like to drink milk now that you're my daughter?"
...Never mind.
"No, I'm good, ma'am. I am lactose intolerant, you see " Sophia declined politely.
"Co on, don't be shy. You'll like it."
Mom, leave the girl alone. And I am surprised that condition of lactose exists here.
Anyway before I could intervene my mom, my father stepped forward with an excited look.
"Oh! You're into that too?"
Into what? Why does he look so happy?
Sophia tilted her head. "You're also the sa as , sir?"
My father nodded like an overenthusiastic chicken.
"Yes, yes! I am also like you! You see..."
He leaned in closer with a warm smile and proudly declared:
"I also licktoes in toilet."
...
Sophia, you should run.
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