On the positive side (and, as we all know, Im all about the silver lining) I was not the Colin of four years ago. Physically, ntally, emotionally well, okay, emotionally I was still a disaster, but I had gained a lot of impressive qualities during my ti away.
I was confident that I could get out of this situation. Im not saying I would, Im just saying the confidence was there.
The cops and the crowd that had stopped to rubberneck were all looking confused. Several of them had caught so of what had just happened on their phones and were checking the footage. I was tempted to go over and have a look myself.
I had definitely perford magic. I didnt know how I did it, and I felt no different when it happened, but it did happen. The holess guys face was proof of that.
Which was great. Who wouldnt want to be able to do real magic in a world as drab and mundane as this one?
The only problem was that I had no idea how to do it again. And in the anti, people were looking at funny and whispering to each other. Torches and pitchforks would appear any mont now.
Strangely, I didnt feel awkward or embarrassed. Instead, I saw them as ready-made accomplices who were going to help get out of here.
Thank you, very much. Thank you, thank you. I took a bow. And a big hand for my assistant. I put my arm around the befuddled holess guy. Please visit my website, , where youll find more videos with amazing demonstrations of impossible feats.
The crowd looked disappointed. They lowered their phones. When I was so rando doing inexplicable things, I was worthy of space on their SD card. But a self-promoting twat looking to get Youtube-famous, that was just taking advantage of their curiosity and good-natured desire to leech off of soone elses ability to be interesting.
Are you so kind of street perforr? asked the slightly less chubby cop.
Thats right. Im street magician Zane Xenon. Youre being fild, right now. I pointed in various random directions.
The crowds interest dissipated like morning fog in the sunshine as the words street magician spread through the air. Is there anything less attractive than a man who does non-consensual card tricks in public?
Do you have a perforrs licence? asked the other cop.
Sure, talk to my manager. I pointed at where the driver had been standing a mont ago, but he was gone. At least that was one problem less I had to deal with.
Mah face. Wha happened to mah face. The holess man was still in shock. A mont ago, hed been struck by a rock. Now, he had the looks of a mid-70s Rod Stewart. I an, it wasnt pretty, but it was definitely a step up from Kirkpatrick Kiltshitter.
Its okay, shows over, I said to my reluctant assistant. You get back and Ill see you later. I slipped a handful of coins into his sporran (at least I hope thats what it was) and sent him on his way.
Youll have to show us your licence or Ill have to give you a ticket.
I was fine with getting a ticket. Worth it if I could get away from Archies goon.
Hold on, said the other cop, who had his phone out now. I got a hit.
Soone in the crowd? asked his partner.
Suddenly, the crowd looked shifty, moving out of the eye-line of the phone.
No. This one. Hes a missing person. Went missing four years ago.
Is that so kind of facial recognition? I asked, fascinated by how much things had changed. Isnt it illegal?
You can opt out, said the phone-wielding policeman. Have you opted out?
Obviously, I hadnt. No. Can I do it now?
Noob, said soone in the crowd.
I cant say it didnt hurt. Used to be, you had to be crap at a ga to be called a noob. Now, apparently, you had to be good at life, too. Kind of hard for those of us who hadnt even passed the tutorial.
I got a flag on it. Look. The two policen peered at the phone screen.
What does it an?
Dunno, never seen one that colour.
Tap it. Maybe theres a hint.
I decided this was the perfect ti to make myself disappear a trick far too few street magicians perform and casually turned around.
There was an ugly yellow and blue police car parked right behind .
Ooh, I know what the flags for. Special attention.
Whats that an?
It ans well take it from here, said the driver of the police car as he exited and opened up the passenger door. Youll have to co with us, sir. He smiled chanically and nodded towards the car.
I looked around. The holess Scot was staring at his reflection in a shop window, crying. Further along the street, the driver was watching from behind so scaffolding.
I got in the car. It slled clean, but not in a good way. Like a recently disinfected public toilet. I slipped around on the plastic seat cover, still damp from its most recent wipe down. On the back of the drivers headrest, a small screen inford of my rights in a sloping white font set against a montage of idyllic autumnal scenes.
It may harm your defence a carpet of red leaves in Hyde Park if you do not ntion when questioned Victorian lamp posts viewed through golden branches sothing you later rely on in court
Soothing classical music played as we drove.
I didnt bother asking where we were going or why, I was just glad to have a mont to myself.
Magic. It was really possible. I sat there as we slowly drove through Central London, my eyes closed, trying to find my way back to the state of mind that would allow to access it again.
The first ti I managed it, back in Flatland, it took a long ti to create the right mindset, a mixture of hopelessness and not giving a shit, to trigger the power. A small fla on my finger.
After that, it had got easier and easier.
Here, I had tried all of my old thods but nothing had worked. Not until I accidentally lamped a tramp. Then it happened without even being involved, on pure instinct. Would I have to get into another violent altercation to force it out again? Was it the cry of pain or the sign of blood that was the catalyst?
Going around attacking people for personal gain wasnt ethical or moral, and it was also very hard to stab soone without them getting the hump. But at least I had sothing to go on. It was very energising. Well, relatively. For soone with my levels of enthusiasm, a strong mint was an emotional experience.
But if I could get my magic working in this world, then I could finally live the life I always wanted. A life where everyone else could fuck right off. It wasnt much of a dream, but it was my dream.
I was imrsed in my thoughts as I searched for any hint of my old powers, that I didnt notice we had pulled into what could have easily passed for a supermarket car park. It was only when I was let out that I saw the rotating steel sign in blue and silver proclaiming: New Scotland Yard.
There was no booking in, no filling out any forms or handing over my belt and shoelaces. Id only seen the inside of a police station in movies and TV shows, so I had no idea what the reality was like.
Noob for life.
The two policen escorted from the car into the building. Neither of them had said anything to other than purely functional statents.
This way, sir.
Mind your head, there.
Through this door, sir.
Just on the right, sir.
Before I knew it, I was sitting in a small room with a table and four chairs. No big mirror for people to secretly watch through, not blinds on the windows to let in sexy lined shadows.
I had put off thinking about how I was going to handle this. Missing guy reappears after four years there were bound to be questions. But what could they do if I said nothing?
Two n entered a mont later.
Hello, there, said a man in a shiny grey suit like he had dressed up for the occasion.
He was blond and weirdly muscular on the top half of his body, so his suit looked abnormally wide.
Sorry about the delay. Busy day. Let get the introductions out of the way. Im Detective Sergeant Len Seymour, and my colleague here is Detective Constable Esposito. He indicated the dark-haired man to his left.
Esposito gave a curt wave as he sat down opposite and opened a small laptop.
DC Esposito will be recording our conversation on this computer, and youre welco to a copy at the end of this interview. We can put it onto a mory stick if youve got one with you or we can provide you with one for a nominal charge. Or we can just email it to you. DS Seymour drumd the table with his fingers. Whatevers best for you.
I dont rember, I said.
Sorry? said DS Seymour.
Ive been performing street magic to survive for the last four years. I have no recollection of what happened before that.
Poor bastard, muttered Esposito. I wasnt sure if he was sympathising with my amnesia or my line of work.
This was what I had co up with, the Oliver North defence. mory gone. No idea who I was or what Id done.
I see, said DS Seymour. Then, why dont we find out together?
Can I have a lawyer? This was my second line of defence.
Uh, you arent under arrest, you know that, right? We just want to help you find out what happened four years ago.
I have the right to have a lawyer present, dont I?
Yeees. He didnt seem overly enthusiastic.
Do you do so sort of martial arts? I asked him.
He looked confused. Sorry, what?
The way you move, it suggests youve had training. Martial arts, I would guess. Possibly dancing.
His confusion flickered to admiration for a mont.
It wasnt really that impressive. Id been around enough fighters to recognise the tells. The idiotic swagger, the awkward posture due to overdeveloped muscles, the teeth pushing into the lower lip as they imagined dominating the guy in front of them so they could prove their dad wrong. He was textbook.
Actually, yeah. I do a little Brazilian jiu-jitsu.
Of course he did. The martial arts for every man who needs to be hugged but cant bring himself to ask a friend.
If I could get this guy to attack , perhaps that would help my latent power erge once more. Just had to provoke him into losing his temper. How hard could that be?
If we could just get back to the matter in hand, Colin alright if I call you Colin? Is there any particular reason you feel you need legal representation, Colin?
Yes, I have a strong dislike of policen. I think one might have done things to as a child. Like I said, my morys very hazy.
Well, okay, Im sorry to hear that, but do you have a solicitor you can call. It might take so ti for us to find a
There was a knock on the door. Sharp and insistent.
DS Seymour got up and opened it. There was a woman standing there, looking pissed off.
And you are? said DS Seymour.
Cherry Hinton. Im his lawyer.
Which was news to .
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