It was 7pm.
Suhyuk was sitting in Prof. Hans office.
Would you like so coffee?
No thanks, sir.
Looking at Suhyuk, Han stirred the coffee inside a paper cup.
And he sat, face to face with Suhyuk.
Do you have any concerns? You dont look so good.
Fixing his eyes on the table, Suhyuk replied shortly, No, sir.
Taking the coffee to his lips, Han looked at him.
Just like a stone statue, who just showed indifference to his fellow dical staff, there was no change in his expression.
However, his face varied whenever he t with patients, as if he was a different person.
Sipping coffee, Han said to him suddenly,
A doctor is not G.o.d.
Suhyuk made a curious expression, not being able to figure out what he ant.
With a smile, Prof. Han took the paper cup to his lips.
There was a brief mont of silence between them.
Then Han said, Patient Lee Jinho. Well, we couldnt anything further for him.
His body had been already overtaken by cancer cells, so they could not treat him.
Just having him hospitalized at the hospital was like killing his remaining ti.
Thats why he did not try to have him, who said he wanted to get discharged, remain any longer.
So, dont bla yourself, said Han.
If we were G.o.d, could we treat him?
Han just smiled bitterly at his asking.
Do you know what? There were more than twenty patients who died before my eyes. Do you know what I thought then?
Suhyuk looked at him.
When I first perford the surgery, I was just crazy when the patients condition got worse. Because it all looked like my fault. Then, one year, then two, pa.s.sed and I ca to pray like this: If there is a G.o.d out there, please let the patients open their eyes.
Putting down the paper coffee cup, Han opened his mouth again,
Do you know what I think these days? I did my best, to the best of my ability. Thats what I did to patient Lee Jinho.
Suhyuk nodded his head feebly.
Did you ask if G.o.d would have treated him?
He was silently waiting for the professors reply.
In my mind, there seed to be no G.o.d. Because G.o.d never accepted my favor. Instead, the patients family was reflected in my eyes.
Sotis a patient who was about to die could regain his consciousness when he felt his familys dedicated caring, and so patients heart began to beat miraculously when he heard the familys voice. That was unexplainable in the dical world. It was just a miracle.
The strength of the family took G.o.ds place, is what I thought.
Listening to him quietly, Suhyuk rose from his seat, saying, Let take my leave, sir.
Okay, dont go to the patients room. Go straight ho and have so rest. Let inform them, so just go ho. Okay?
Suhyuk just bowed his head at his words.
Reply to ! Take a break today, okay?
Yes, sir, said Suhyuk reluctantly.
Only then did Han make a satisfied expression.
Suhyuk turned around and headed toward the door. Today he looked unusually feeble.
Looking at him, Han murmued, Hell have to realise it soday.
Naly that, he could not save all the patients lives.
***
As directed by Han, Suhyuk headed back to his lodging.
On the way, he felt eager to go back to the hospital wards, and could barely suppress that desire. For he noticed a text ssage from Prof. Han: which finally convinced him to take a rest
Standing before a mirror, he looked at himself, and also looked down at his empty hands.
A sense of helplessness.
There were many who died at Daehan Hospital, but it was the first ti he t such a patient who was knocking on deaths door.
Huuuuuh..
Taking a deep breath, he lay on the bed.
Patient Lee Jinhan. Whats he doing now? Is he happy or unhappy?
Maybe he must be happy because his smile was genuine when he looked at his wife and daughter.
He was a wonderful man, who put up with the open surgery as well as the surgery that required planting a tal pin in his legs. He went back ho with a smile.
What made him ntally strong like that?
Suddenly Prof. Hans remarks ca to his mind.
Though there was no G.o.d, he had a family.
Suhyuk opened his closed eyes slowly, and touched his cell phone.
Suddenly he wanted to hear his familys voice.
Oh, son. How co you are calling at this ti? Arent you busy now?
No, Im fine. Did you eat Mom?
Of course, its well past dinner ti. How about you, son?
I did. Is daddy in?
Oh, hes sleeping now after he had so drinks during the day.
Suhyuk nodded his head slowly. His father sotis would have drinks with his friends when he had no work to do.
Mom, please co and visit for a dical check-up one of these days.
and your father arent sick at all. How about you? I saw on TV that doctors are so busy. Do you eat regularly?
He just felt good whenever he heard his mothers voice.
What bothered him a bit was that shes just concerned about him, not herself.
Yes, Mom. I got fat these days thanks to good food. Im also working tactfully.
Please co to the hospital with father one of these days.
Im afraid were obstructing you because youre busy
No, mom. Please dont fail to stop by.
Though he could not make them live in luxury right now, he wanted to take care of their health.
Aside from him being their son, he was a doctor.
Sure, son. Will do. I could live high on the hog thanks to my doctor son!
He felt as if her warm voice was creeping into his heart.
Though it was what he had to do as a son, his parents still felt so thankful to him.
Lee Jinhan would have felt the sa thing for his family.
Okay, let know when you will co here, so I can make a reservation.
Sure, let talk to your father, so we can adjust our schedule to visit you.
They talked like that for a few more minutes.
Mostly his mother was on the talking side.
After the phone call, Suhyuk thought about things for a little while, eyes closed.
When can I relieve them of any concern about ? Even if Im okay, they still keep so many concerns about .
And thats the heart of the parents who have children.
Suhyuk could feel it distantly after having watched Lee Jinhan.
It was getting dark, with the hand of the clock pointing to 9pm.
Out of dozing off and exhaustion, Suhyuk fell into sleep.
It was all white around him.
When Suhyuk was looking around, he heard soone walking toward him in the distance.
The ident.i.ty of the man, veiled by so white light ma.s.s, began to show itself slowly.
It was a human being that looked just like him.
Soon the guy, coming close up to him, smiled and opened his mouth,
Long ti, no see.
Who are you?
The guy put his hand on his forehead at his asking.
You really dont know who I am?
The guy circled around Suhyuk as if he was appreciating his body.
Its a dream.
Hearing Suhyuk murmuring, the guy stopped and turned his head to him.
Its half true, half false.
And the guy ca up to Suhyuk, saying sothing into his ear,
You killed patient Lee Jinhan.
Suhyuks black pupils trembled a lot.
His condition was sothing I could not do anything about.
Youre making an excuse even if you didnt make any attempt to save him. Youre not a doctor, but a murderer who just looked on.
Am I a murderer?
Suhyuk knitted his brows.
What did you think when Lee Jinhan was getting discharged? You must have said Good riddance! As if a troubleso patient has finally gone away.
Suhyuk shook his head, and grabbed him by the collar.
Dont make any rash judgent if you dont know anything about !
As if he was choked, he made a moan, but he was smiling,
Hey, let go of your hand, so I can talk.
When Suhyuk let go of his throat, the guy touched his neck and shouted,
You murderer, son of a b.i.t.c.h!
Then Suhyuk threw a punch at him, I told you not to talk thoughtlessly like that!
Squatting on the floor, the guy said, looking up at Suhyuk,
You could have treated him.
Suhyuk shook his head slowly, answering, No, I could not. What I could do was let him get discharged as soon as possible.
Yes, so that he could spend ti with his family for one more minute and one more second.
The guy just chuckled, and retorted,
Okay, let give you the benefit of the doubt. What if another patient like Lee Jinhan ca to you? What would you do, just looking on like you did to Lee last ti? Suhyuk could not say anything.
Then the guy, with a smile, said, Let help you, and reached out his hand.
How can you can help ?
Suhyuk was just looking at him blankly.
Am I scary? Just hold my hands, thats it. Not a big deal.
Suhyuk held his hands silently.
A noisy alarm sound woke him up, but Suhyuk turned it off, eyes still closed.
And with a deep sigh, he rose from the bed.
Turning on the light he looked at himself in the mirror silently.
How much ti pa.s.sed?
Sweeping up his hair, he grabbed the pillow on the bed and threw it at his friend sleeping on the upper bed.
Ooops! Whats this? When he woke up from bed, Suhyuk already went out.
After a light breakfast Suhyuk got on the elevator, and headed for the patients wards.
Did you have a good break? said Im Gyungsu.
Turning over a chart, Suhyuk nodded slightly at his asking.
Then, Im made a frown because he felt Suhyuk was acting arrogant.
What were you doing, sir?
Im gave him a chart, saying,
The patient was taken to the hospital a mont ago, but his condition is sort of confusing. He is now taking a CT and X-ray, so lets see what it shows us.
Suhyuk was looking into the chart containing a record on the doctors conversation with the patient.
Suhyuk, making a frown, looked at Im, as if he was asking him why he could not diagnose this kind of symptom as a doctor.
Isnt this thoracic outlet syndro? said Suhyuk.
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