Chapter 56: Chapter 4
20th of October (Tuesday) – Ayase Saki
Today's the day Asamura-kun and I are heading out shopping. Just thinking about it makes feel incredibly anxious. I couldn't even focus on my classes. Once lunch break passed and the more lethargic classes began, I simply sat at my desk and continued to lose myself in thought without writing down anything that was on the blackboard.
I was thinking about my attitude and what would make a boy more happy. I was thinking about what it exactly ant to be more than siblings yet less than lovers. I never would have imagined a day would co when I would worry about these sorts of things. Actually, that's not quite right. It's not just any boy. I don't care about any of the other guys around . I just don't want the one boy I care for to hate .
While my mind was wandering off in the clouds, fifth period ca to an end. Recess greeted , and so did Maaya, who ca from one end of the classroom over to my seat.
"What's wrong?"
"Huh…? Nothing, why?"
"Liar, liar, pants on fire! You were spacing out the whole ti during class."
"Focus on class yourself!"
How does she know about that? If you've got ti to stare at then focus on class instead. Well, it's not like I could actually make that argunt since she had ranked higher than during the last standardized test… I'd better change the topic.
"You're as popular as ever, huh? It's not just the girls; even the boys like you. It's crazy."
"Hm? Well, well, well… I don't really get it myself, but people say I'm pretty amiable!"
"Amiable, huh?"
I feel like she just dropped a difficult math problem on … What does "amiable" an again? I searched through the void in my mind trying to find an answer, but Maaya brought her face closer to , whispering into my ear.
"If you smiled so more, you'd be able to capture Asamura-kun's heart in a flash!"
"Can you stop bringing everything back to Asamura-kun?"
"Oh, was I off the mark? Since you emphasized the whole 'boys' part, I figured there was a boy you had the hots for, a boy you want to think well of you."
She's not wrong, of course.
"Don't try to make up sothing out of thin air."
"Mhmmm?"
Okay, I get it, you don't trust at all. That's fine. The bell had rung already, so I used my notebook to shoo away the evil apparition that was Maaya. Amiability, huh? Being amiable ans… to smile more? I'm not very good with that sort of thing, but if it makes Asamura-kun happy, I could give it a go. Or so I thought excitedly for a mont, but it turned out to be a lot more complicated than I had initially assud.
Classes ended and I returned ho. After changing into the clothes I had previously picked out for the day, I stood in front of the round mirror standing on top of my desk to practice my facial expressions. Pulling here, stretching there, relaxing my cheeks again… It felt like my facial muscles weren't used to this much exercise, and they started to feel exhausted after just a few minutes. What kind of expression was a smile, anyway?
Since I usually wore a poker face that does a good enough job at hiding my emotions, seeing the face I was currently making reflected in the mirror filled with discomfort. Why am I even doing this in the first place? …No, you'll lose this battle if you regain your senses, Saki. It's not like I would know who I'm losing to, though. After glaring at the mirror for a bit longer, I decided that this was the best smile I could muster, and made up my mind to just roll with it. I stepped out of my room with newfound motivation filling my body and gently knocked on Asamura-kun's door.
"Are you ready to head out?"
I sat down on the sofa in the living room while I waited for Asamura-kun, and soon the door to this room opened. I got up from the sofa, but as soon as our eyes t, I imdiately averted my gaze. I could feel my heart racing. And I also suddenly beca worried about my own outfit, since I had spent most of my ti practicing my expressions instead.
"Then let's go." I didn't even wait for this response and practically stord towards the front entrance.
We quickly decided where we'd go: Ikebukuro. I know how much Maaya is actually into ani, manga, and all that stuff. She keeps talking to about it, after all. Or rather, whenever any rch cos out that she's interested in, she keeps pestering about it over LINE. Should I buy them, too? Why does she tell that, anyway?
In order to take the Yamanote line leading to our destination, we first headed to Shibuya station. I took so ti to sneak a few glances at Asamura-kun while we waited for the next train to arrive. He was wearing a grey knitted sweater with a black coach jacket on top. It had the sa vibe as how he usually dressed, which I didn't dislike at all. It's not too flashy, it's more prim and proper. I had no better way of explaining his outfit than saying it was very much like him. It all looked better because it suited him quite well.
In the end, looking good in sothing is all that matters when it cos to fashion. Or hold on, is it just that everything looks stylish if Asamura-kun's wearing it? Well, either way is fine, really. But when I compared myself to Asamura-kun's calm style, I realized that I looked a lot more flashy, almost. It's not like I'm showing an excessive amount of skin or anything like that, but the colors of my outfit were vibrant red and green.
I had basically gone with a Christmas color palette, so the wrong combination could have turned into a bit of a clown, but I knew how to match properly. I could see that just fine in front of the mirror at ho, but I was curious how Asamura-kun felt about my current outfit.
I've been trying to be a lot more reserved. Attempting to look cute instead of charming was one thing, but this was my limit. Most of the clothes I own are more feminine than innocent, so that was already a lost cause. That sort of clothing and attitude was not ant for soone like , since I always just say whatever I want without thinking much about the circumstances. During our ride on the train, I tried my best to act as amiable and friendly as possible while talking to Asamura-kun, but I didn't know at all if I had actually succeeded or not.
Upon arriving at Ikebukuro, I relied on the GPS app on my phone to guide us to our destination. I've rarely visited this town before, but thanks to the advancents in technology, we found our way there safely. If you compared the streets here to Shibuya, you wouldn't see much of a difference. If there was one difference that was worth pointing out, it'd be that high school and university students like us were a lot more nurous.
Then again, that all stemd from the fact that a lot of establishnts along the eastern entrance of Sunshine street were targeted at younger people like us, whereas the western part focused more on adult establishnts like bars and restaurants. Along with that, it felt like I could especially see quite a lot of boy and girl pairs—naly, couples—around us. Or maybe I've just gotten more sensitive to that sort of thing because of everything that's been happening lately.
"Woah…" I heard Asamura-kun's voice from next to .
I followed his gaze and almost had the sa verbal reaction. On the corner of the street were a couple, their bodies glued to each other, sharing a passionate kiss. I just barely managed to not gasp audibly. Even though I had nothing to do with that kiss, my own body felt like it was bursting into flas. Though it was subconsciously, I pictured myself and Asamura-kun overlapping with that couple. I couldn't believe what I was thinking. This wasn't like at all. I looked to my side and saw Asamura-kun's gaze practically glued to them. For so reason I couldn't explain, I suddenly beca anxious that he may very well be able to read my thoughts, so I quickly jabbed my elbow into his side.
"It's rude to stare like that."
"Sorry, I wasn't thinking."
He actually apologized to . I was just trying to hide my own sha and embarrassnt, so getting an honest apology in response made feel even more guilty, so I added a few more words to show my sympathy.
"I understand how you feel. It's shocking to see that out of the blue."
That is genuinely how I felt. Asamura-kun agreed to my statent with a bitter smile, which allowed to sigh in relief. I'm glad I didn't make him angry or anything like that. After that, we entered the shop in question. As for the present, I was thinking about getting so rch from the ani Maaya had previously told about. I figured a design she could use during her everyday life would be best, so I started looking for rch along that vein.
As we went through the shelves of rchandise, we debated back and forth whether each item would be a good gift for Maaya or not. How about this one? It's a bit childish, but it'd be a good match for her…and so on. This allowed to understand how Asamura-kun felt in regards to Maaya, and I was filled with an odd sense of joy whenever our opinions aligned.
Once I thought about it, this was the first ti just Asamura-kun and I traveled sowhere far away by train to enjoy a shopping trip together. We had gone to the pool before, but that was in a larger group. Just because it was only the two of us, I started feeling a lot more nervous, and my heart was beating faster, too.
Once we finished buying what we wanted, we decided to head ho for the day. I had originally been planning on getting a present, myself, but then I realized that'd make it really obvious that we had bought the presents together. Then again, Maaya already knows that we're siblings, so it shouldn't matter too much. Still, I might as well go buy sothing else tomorrow before heading to school.
Either way, our first date ended, and we hopped on the train ho. I felt relieved and lonely at the sa ti, but then Asamura-kun suddenly dropped a bombshell on .
"Is there sothing weird about my outfit?"
I had to take a mont to process what I had just been told since it was so out of the blue. Not to ntion that I don't see anything wrong with his outfit. I think he's fine exactly the way he is. But after a bit of thinking, I decided on sothing.
"If you're fine with my tastes and what I think is stylish, then I don't mind helping you pick sothing out."
In the end, we decided to take a quick detour to the nearest n's clothing store that I could think of. Along the way, I started thinking to myself. I decided to do my best to style up Asamura-kun in a way I like. After that, I'll have him compare it to his current look so that he can get a feeling for his own type of preferred style and outfit. It's another type of adjusting to each other, in a sense.
I don't know if we can find sothing worth the label of a formal date outfit, but that's for himself to decide. I have no true role to play in that. Plus, I'd rather not see him change into soone that isn't true to himself… Maybe this is just being selfish again?
From the Daikanyama train station, it was a straight walk to the n's clothing store. When I confidently entered the place, Asamura-kun bluntly asked if I ca here on a regular basis. Why would I? This place has the exact sa kind of stuff as any expensive place, so it's easy to find my way around even if I'm not a regular. I an, you might pass through here if you're interested in n's styles, I guess. Which I am not, of course.
We talked for a mont when Asamura-kun suddenly pointed at a mannequin, saying that kind of outfit would suit well. That really made feel quite anxious, and I wondered just how exactly he saw . It was a black leather jacket with a thick belt. I may not like it when people look down on , but I don't want to look like so gang leader, either.
"I think you'd look handso."
What is he even saying? We ca here so that I could pick out an outfit for him, so why are we talking about an outfit for ? Geez, what is this? My face feels hot. They've really turned up the heater in this place, huh? After walking around so more, I started picking out any clothes I found interesting and comparing them to Asamura-kun's body. It's like I'm playing with my very own dress-up doll. It's so much fun. At the sa ti, I couldn't help imagining us coming here to shop for clothes as a married couple.
…Wait, hold on. Not as a married couple, but as siblings, right? Jumping to calling us a married couple is a bit of a leap, to say the least. I do enjoy spending ti with Asamura-kun very much, but it makes feel like I'm the only one getting excited. I have to calm myself down so that I don't rush blindly ahead.
We walked around inside the shop so more, and I finally chose a jacket and a shirt for Asamura-kun. Both of these I had spotted imdiately, and I couldn't shake off their first impression.
We returned from our detour and started making our way back ho for good. Far off in the distance, I could see the familiar light of our flat, which allowed to sigh in relief. And I was surprised by that sigh, too. I hadn't even realized it, but this flat has now beco my image of ho. Once we pass through the door to our apartnt, I'll go back to spending my days as a step-sister.
Now that I think about it, how did I do today? I had no idea that Asamura-kun was concerned about his own appearance and looks. Did Asamura-kun notice that I was trying to act more amiable and friendly?
"By the way, how did I do today?"
It took a few seconds before I got a response. But the fact that Asamura-kun guessed it correctly by asking 'Your expression maybe?' made feel happy. I did it! I was excited to hear him continue, only for him to say…
"You were trying to hold back your laughter, right?"
What?
"Your expression looked like you were trying to hold yourself back from laughing."
It felt like my knees were about to give in just upon hearing those words. What even…?
"So that's how it seed to you…"
I was trying hard to smile to make Asamura-kun happy, and yet it didn't get across at all. Argh, how embarrassing. The more I thought about it, the more my cheeks started to burn up. I want to dig a hole and hide in there for the rest of my life. Or be reduced to atoms and vanish from the world forever. Do I have a self-destruct button anywhere on ? I felt so ashad that I couldn't even look at his face anymore. All I could do was stiffen my expression and act like I hadn't been affected at all. I'm calm. This doesn't hurt. I'm not going to cry.
That's what I get for doing sothing I'm not used to. My punishnt for trying to put on an expression I can't make. I can't be as friendly and amicable as Maaya. I just wish I'd lose the ability to show any kind of emotion. It was all because I had done sothing I normally wouldn't. That's enough, honestly. After all, Ayase Saki is a boring woman who can never show any friendliness to anybody. That's just how it is.
"I think you're fine the way you usually act," Asamura-kun said as the elevator doors closed. "It's who you are, after all."
"Wha…?"
I played deaf and acted like I hadn't heard him. What is this…? Even though it was just a small side remark, my chest feels so warm and fuzzy all of a sudden. This is why Asamura-kun is dangerous. He'll shake from left to right, making lose sight of my feelings and where I should direct them. Are we fine to just be siblings who get along really well, or are we better suited to be lovers?
What relationship do I want?
What relationship does he want?
On that day, we both agreed to keep our relationship the way it was, and yet now I'm hearing the devil whispering into my ear.
—Are you truly satisfied with just this?
Whenever he tells such kind and encouraging words, I find myself thinking. Wishing, even. I want to touch his cheeks, pull on them, and squeeze them together as punishnt for always making happy with whatever he says. Of course, not in hostility. I just want to… touch him. That's the desire burning deep inside of . It's what I felt back when I passionately hugged him in that locked room. But I can't. I'd just surprise him. Not knowing when the right mont for that would be, I found myself unable to act at all.
I should use my favorite bath salts tonight. I need to lt away amidst that fragrance I like so much, waiting for my turbulent feelings to calm down.
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