How refreshing this is!
I walked down the quiet corridor, ntally ringing the bell I had already caused to sound. The expressions of the three bewildered people were nothing short of codic. How could they be this funny?
These narrow-minded, foolish idiots probably imagined I would join in on their gossip behind my back, acting as a ridiculous extra like Park Dongcheol, letting out a fart and sneaking around. How foolish. There’s no way I would take that path. Let repeat it once again: my pride will never die, not even if I die.
“Hah, serves them right.”
I silently thanked Shin Jaehyun. Although I couldn’t understand his values, it was he who had pointed out the option of throwing it all away first. Shin Jaehyun is strangely suspicious, but still, one thing is certain: he’s smarter and kinder than I expected. “No one chooses” was his philosophy.
I decided to interpret his words in my own way, in order to better understand him. The conclusion I arrived at was “throw it away before it’s thrown away.” It’s all the sa. In order to choose soone, the idea of choosing no one turns out to ignore the desperate desire to be chosen.
Naturally, that old backstabbing comnt from when I was eighteen cos to mind.
“The leech that sticks to the quiet one, never letting go.”
Ugh, disgusting.
What could I have expected from those idiots, puffing on cigarettes with their germ-infested hands, not even washing after using the restroom, while brutally stomping on a person placed on the chopping board?
I think I understand why Shin Jaehyun is so confident now. He’s not guilty. When there’s no conflict, there’s less to carry. I cleared my mind with a refreshing thought. I should have done this earlier. I stopped my steps and lifted my gaze to a slightly higher place.
Class 1-3. I closed my eyes in silence and thought it over.
Everyone says it. High school’s final years are the ti for choices and focus. Now is the ti to identify the subjects I’m good at and the ones that are difficult for , and dive into them. In other words, I was supposed to pick the subjects that would help and drop the ones that wouldn’t. I shut out everything around and thought about the subjects that needed focus and attention.
By my standards, Kyo-han was a subject I didn’t need. I chuckled softly to myself in the empty hallway.
“Haha, funny. Really.”
I raised my head confidently and walked with vigor. Yes, Kang Jun. Now it’s your ti to walk the path to adulthood. In front of lies the college entrance exam and focus. Kyo-han is a subject I need to throw away. No need to have any regrets. Yes. I have to throw it away for my future, for my righteous life.
With energy, I opened the classroom door. The low voices of the class stopped, and eyes that were a bit older than mine turned toward .
“You, where have you been? And now you co back?”
“I’m sorry. I went to the computer lab, at the horoom teacher’s request.”
“The horoom teacher? Really?”
“Yes.”
The skeptical gaze swept over my body and was quickly withdrawn.
“Well, Jun wouldn’t lie about it. Go sit down.”
“Yes, I’m sorry for being late.”
I lowered my head slightly and raised it again. Naturally, my gaze turned toward Kyo-han, where he was sitting. It was instinctive. People naturally turn their eyes toward what they like. And only after eting those gloomy eyes did I realize my own arrogance.
“Focus and choice. There are two types. You either dive into the subjects you’re good at, or you focus on fixing the ones you’re bad at.”
The words of the tutor quickly passed through my mind.
“But you, Jun, seem to cling to the idea of making yourself better at the things you’re bad at. It’s just a waste of ti.”
“...”
I slowly lowered my eyelids, and my gaze landed on the floor. My steps slowed down. Damn. And I realized once again that I was the kind of coward who, to escape from love, had to find another love. My frustration flowed like a valley. That frustration passed through the cracks in my true feelings and beca a vast ocean.
“This problem... Kyo-han, you try solving it.”
“Yes.”
Kyo-han. My hand, awkwardly holding a chanical pencil, trembled slightly. How could I do anything when just hearing his na made flinch? Forgetting Kyo-han? Ridiculous. How could I even say that? So, how should I forget? What kind of idiotic things will I do to distance myself from that strange behavior of his? Blabbering without any plan...
Every ti Kyo-han moved, my fingertips trembled. Finally, when Kyo-han passed by , the faint scent of soap wafted toward , and I felt my heart drop to the floor.
Thud— the sound of chalk scratching the blackboard.
I looked at Kyo-han’s back through blurred vision. His broad shoulders, his small head.
Naturally, his father ca to mind. A tall fra, a long coat, leather gloves... A kind but sotis harsh voice, with a sophisticated tone, and a unique calmness. Kyo-han was going to grow into that kind of man. His large hands, veins popping, drew a white line on the board.
“Ah— right. Good job, Kyo-han.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and thought about soone else. Even if I have a dependent personality, I have nothing to say about it. I didn’t even know I’d end up liking n, so I had no idea how to handle love. I found the only shelter I could escape to. Just like how I’d sought Kyo-han out to escape Han Junwoo.
I turned my gaze back to the chalk sound. So, what should I do? How do I find my own path? Then, I should quit love for now. Your approach has been wrong from the start.
Right, I’ve always said it. I’ve always chosen the wrong path. I shouldn’t have been greedy from the beginning. My thoughts jump around a hundred tis a day. I constantly encounter my imaginary self and my real self. Just now, my real self killed my imaginary self.
“...”
I desperately turned my gaze to a corner. Focus and choice. Yes, I need to focus and choose. If I can find the path that’s most comfortable for , it would naturally be the shortcut that I alone know.
“I’m done with the problem.”
“Let see. Oh, right. This is correct. This one’s correct too.”
My gaze fell on the light brown hair. Yanki, Shin Jaehyun. He was tall, his face was decent, his grades were better than Kyo-han’s, and his family was well-off, even sending him abroad. I hated the way my mind worked like this. But I had to do it. It was for the sake of finding my ideals.
“This one’s correct too. Wow, Kyo-han, you bastard.”
I forced myself to think. Right, Shin Jaehyun. He should be okay, right? If I’m a fool who can’t end love without a bait, then let’s move on. I’ll do it secretly, without Kyo-han finding out. I’ll keep the carrot dangling and find a new path. And once I graduate, I’ll throw Kyo-han away.
“Did you study ahead?”
“No?”
Kyo-han’s arrogant voice interrupted . I forced my gaze to stay on Shin Jaehyun’s light brown hair. Oh no. No emotions should form. My hope crumbles.
No. I gripped the pen in my hand with a desperate heart. I’ll make myself love Shin Jaehyun. I can do it. I did it with Han Junwoo, even though it drove mad. I’ll be a fool and secretly love him again. Then, I’ll throw it all away. Shin Jaehyun should be easy to get bored with. After all, you’ve always thought that love isn’t sothing you need in your life. No matter how much you like Kyo-han, he’s not worth risking your life for.
“Really? I’ve been seeing your grades drop a bit. It’s better to study harder.”
“…Oh, yes.”
I hear Kyo-han’s voice clearly, full of irritation. As he steps away, I quickly turn my head and bury it into my desk. I need to think about reality. Kang Jun. Let’s stick to your plan. While thinking this, a pale hand entered my vision. Two slender fingers dropped a crumpled note on my desk.
It was a crumpled note, just like Kyo-han’s habit.
If I don’t read this, he’s probably going to throw a fit. My hesitation didn’t last long. I hated the idea of dealing with consequences. I guess I’ll have to read it. The decision was quick. With trembling hands, I opened the note. A sharp pain shot through my chest, as if my heart was being stabbed.
Can I co over to your house today?
Kyo-han’s handwriting was terrible. But it was written with such force that the ink had turned black at the ends. It looked like he had exerted all his effort just to make it look neat. The writing was even in different colors for each letter. It was a note with a clumsy aesthetic, and at the end, there was a weird flower drawn.
“...!”
My heart dropped as if struck with a hamr. I hurriedly crumpled the note again. Then, I raised my head and forced myself to look at Shin Jaehyun’s back. Noticing my gaze, Shin Jaehyun frowned and turned around. I didn’t avoid it. I simply t his eyes. As I had always done, I smiled thinly, narrowing my eyes.
I wasn't scared, nor did my heart race or tremble. That was good enough.
Alright. Let's like Shin Jaehyun. Just like always, I'll fall for him alone and then toss him aside alone. Let's do the sa with Go Yohan. From today, that's the plan. It seems Go Yohan is of no help to my life. He's like a rusted nail deeply embedded in a concrete wall.
Without even realizing that the paper trapped in my palm was getting soaked, I made up my mind.
Let’s keep the current situation as it is, but love Shin Jaehyun. Let’s continue to use people like we always do. I'm the best at deceiving people. That was sothing even Go Yohan couldn't beat at. My lies were never as impulsive as his; they were long-term and practical.
****
The sweetest carrot I can offer Go Yohan is a reply to a note. And it would be even better if it’s a positive one. No, it absolutely has to be positive. For the sake of my smooth journey. If it’s for my social standing, I must not miss this opportunity. So might think it’s strange to be so fixated on such a trivial journey when college is just around the corner, but I can’t just let it go.
Honestly, I'm scared. The hundreds of fish-like eyes that look down on disgust . I hate the atmosphere where I'm excluded from every group. That subtle contempt I still feel every ti I walk past the central stairs is gradually gnawing away at my sanity.
Despite the flashy return to the spotlight, Kang Jun has still fallen to the level of "the guy who almost died ssing with Go Yohan."
Ironically, the one who protected was Hong Hwi-jun. The bastard who shattered Hong Hwi-jun’s nose. But even that proved I wasn’t a useless, helpless person. In the middle of all that, though, there's still the need for caution. I didn’t just suppress Hong Hwi-jun; I beca the fool who chased evil away by telling my mom. My achievents were tainted by my family’s wealth.
I poked the back of my hand with the unclicked pen, precisely pressing the thin skin between my index and thumb. It would hurt more if I pressed with the sharp tip, but then it would show that I had been tornting myself, so I refrained from doing sothing so foolish.
"..."
I pressed deeper, deeper into the soft skin. The pen’s tip dug into the flesh, curling into the creases. The skin cracked violently. When the pain from my lower abdon finally beca less intense, I twisted the pen and pressed again before pulling it away.
“It hurts.”
The red mark left in the folds of my skin was all that remained. After staring at it, the next thing I did was unscrew the cap of the pen, the weapon that had left a blue mark on my hand.
The click was a sharp sound that echoed in the quiet air. By now, the kids in the class had already solved the five questions the teacher had handed out. The school had long since abandoned the textbook. After all, who in this class doesn't know what’s in the textbook? The teacher’s next words were, "Buy the problem set from xx publisher." It was the book sitting on my desk. It wasn’t a nationally distributed book but one from a private publisher that beca our class textbook. I cautiously tore off a corner of the fake textbook. Hesitating for a mont, I pressed the pen against the torn paper.
After pulling the pen away, I thought to myself. Is this really okay? But there’s no other choice. If I could avoid everything just by wanting to, that wouldn't be Go Yohan. The reason I sent this note today was also clear. Go Yohan knows. He knows I’m only doing private tutoring today.
While the teacher was hunched over the laptop on the podium, I turned my body and passed the crumpled paper to the person behind . Since I sit in the middle of the classroom and Go Yohan, the tallest guy in school, sits at the back, I had no choice but to send the note this way. The guy sitting behind looked at curiously, and I silently mouthed the words.
"Give it to Go Yohan."
Then I straightened my posture and glanced at my new escape route. The problems the teacher assigned were no longer my concern. Back when I was rolling around in the worn-out slippers, all I could do was bury my head and solve the problem sets.
The problem sets I have now are stained with Sharpie ink. While so kids were struggling with the problems and others, like , had finished their prep and moved on to other problems, I was strangely thinking about the back of soone’s head, soone I didn’t even like, like a hormonal teenager.
What’s their phone number?
****
There’s an unsettling presence during cleaning ti. That presence is none other than Go Yohan.
I should’ve noticed when the cleaning areas were being assigned. He volunteered for the one thing no one wanted to do—washing the windows—but in the end, it was just a no-show. Honestly, I’ve never seen Go Yohan do a proper cleaning job. I tried to ignore him while sweeping the floor with the broom, but as I reflected on the past, I snapped out of it.
“Hey, Go Yohan.”
I said it with as much sweetness as I could, without sounding suspicious.
“If you’re not going to do anything, why did you even ask for a cleaning area?”
“What? Why?”
“You said you’d clean the windows. But you’re just sitting there doing nothing.”
“Oh, this?”
Go Yohan was sitting on the window sill, just idly observing the classroom. As long as he wasn’t disturbing anyone’s studying, the others seed content to leave him be, glancing at him but focusing on their own tasks. Sohow, I ended up being the one to confront him. It wasn’t strange though—after all, I was always the one to call him out. It was just a little awkward given our past. The others must’ve thought our conversation was odd too.
Go Yohan smirked at my words, pointed at the sun for so reason, and then tapped the slightly dirty window before continuing.
“Don’t you know?”
“What?”
“Don’t you, the top student, know common sense? This is sterilizing. The sun sterilizes.”
“That’s common sense?”
At Go Yohan’s ridiculous claim, I was left speechless. He noticed my disbelief and, even more gleeful, kept babbling.
“You’ve probably never cleaned properly, huh? With that kind of attitude, what do you know?”
“Hey... What do you an sterilize the windows with sunlight?”
“You don’t know, do you? If you don’t expose the windows to enough sunlight, germs will form.”
“What kind of nonsense is that? If that’s true, we’d be disinfecting the windows every day.”
"Right. So, if I use a wet rag to clean the window, bacteria will grow there, right? If you leave it alone, it’ll disinfect itself. So, the best cleaning is not touching it at all."
"What kind of nonsense is this...?"
Each ti he countered, his creative responses left speechless. I couldn't think of anything to say in rebuttal. I'd never seen anyone spout such illogical nonsense so confidently, and because of that, I had never won against such nonsense. It sounded like nonsense, yet he made it sound sowhat logical. I gave up after thinking about it for a while. Fine, it's just making my head hurt.
"From your expression, I guess you understand now."
"I've given up on understanding."
"Giving up? Giving up is the first step to accepting a different worldview. Once you’re trapped by prejudice, you can never understand the other person."
"You... you are sothing else."
"I am? What about ?"
"Who taught you this?"
At least, in the household I saw, there was no psycho like this. Who the hell taught Yohan to be like this? As soon as I said that, Yohan stiffened his face a little and went silent. The atmosphere grew tense. That’s when I realized my mistake.
"No, I misspoke. Please pretend you didn’t hear it. I’m sorry."
And yet, I glanced around.
"...Really, I'm sorry."
As soon as I said that, a few people turned their heads, showing curious expressions. I bit my lip in self-mockery. Once again, my head was buried under Yohan’s leg. Pathetic Kang Jun.
"The world is..."
Huh? I looked up in surprise. There he was, Yohan, standing with the sunlight behind him, wearing a slightly sad expression. Damn. I really must’ve said sothing wrong. An ice pick seed to pierce the top of my head. The Yohan I saw on the day I made a mistake resurfaced. My footsteps, full of regret and sha, took one step closer to Yohan. And just as I was about to take a second step...
"The world made like this."
"...Huh?"
Is he serious? Not knowing how to respond, I just stared at him. My eyebrow muscles felt heavy and drooped. Yohan, with a sowhat wistful face, gazed at the air for a mont before looking at . Then, unexpectedly, he sighed deeply and began to smile. What the hell? I straightened my body, which had leaned toward him. Yohan glanced at from the corner of his eye and then sneered in that playful manner of his.
"Ah, whatever. No one to accept it from, this is boring."
While I was staring blankly at him, he awkwardly scratched the back of his head, then lifted his butt off the windowsill and said,
"Cleaning’s done."
"...That’s really it? Really?"
"Of course, it's really done. When have you seen lie?"
Then he approached his desk and grabbed his bag. His familiar bag was slung over one shoulder. Really? Really, that’s it? When I looked at him with doubtful eyes, Yohan answered with a shrug of his shoulder. Then, he swiftly stepped over the busy broom and walked toward my seat, grabbing my bag.
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"What does it look like? We're going ho."
Then he started randomly stuffing things like pens from the desk into my bag. Literally, everything on the desk went into my bag. Finally, he slung my bag over his other shoulder and shoved his hands into his pockets. Yohan’s arrogant lips parted.
"Let’s go."
"..."
"You said if you’re done with cleaning, you can leave, right?"
As I stood there holding the broom, Yohan moved his long legs and walked right up to . Then, he took the broom from my hand. Huh... While I was montarily distracted, Yohan had already moved to the back of the classroom, slipping the broom into the cleaning cupboard.
"Hey, why’d you put it there?"
"What’s the big deal? Let’s go."
By now, I had nothing more to say. I subtly scanned the classroom’s atmosphere. The other kids seed completely uninterested and were loudly finishing up their own tasks.
With this kind of mood, I figured it would be fine to leave. My hesitant steps led toward Yohan’s side.
Then, I suddenly realized I’d had the kind of dilemma that "extra-life" kids in the middle tier might have. Unfortunately, that realization was completely forgotten the mont Yohan spoke while running his finger down my nape.
"Ah, you’re a good kid."
And with that, the one who trained pulled in with one arm around my shoulder. I was automatically dragged into the warm prison of a liar. It felt like I was being sucked into an irresistible black hole. Just when I was unknowingly getting consud by Yohan, the person who pulled out of the swamp was soone truly unexpected.
"Jun, are you leaving now?"
A timid voice called . I turned around, and there was the horoom teacher, smiling while casually brushing her bangs to the side. The hand that moved her bangs lightly shook in the air. The movent from front to back seed to be calling .
"Hey, could you co here for a mont?"
"Huh?"
"You have sothing to pick up from ."
"Pick up... oh, right."
I instinctively glanced around and gently pushed away Go Yohan’s hand. It felt like a heavy stone had been lifted off my back, just from one of his arms disappearing from around . Before heading toward the teacher, I quickly looked at Go Yohan’s face. He moved his lips silently.
‘What is it?’
I waved my hand lightly, signaling that it was nothing, and walked quickly toward the teacher.
"Looks like you were just going to leave, huh? I waited so long, I had to co find you."
"Sorry, I’ve been out of it lately..."
"Yeah, I guess it’s that kind of ti. Here."
"Thanks for giving it to ."
"Thanking ? You’ve already received sothing from before, so consider this repaynt. Now, go on. Yohan is probably waiting for you."
"Yes, I’ll see you tomorrow."
"Mm, see you tomorrow."
The teacher’s small hand patted my shoulder, and I roughly folded the gray piece of paper she handed before stuffing it into my pocket. When I turned around and ca back to Go Yohan, his gaze didn’t leave my pocket where I had placed the paper.
"What’s that?"
"This? It’s nothing, really. Just an early leave note."
"Why?"
"Oh, I’m going to the hospital tomorrow and might be a bit late, so I got it just in case."
"The hospital?"
Go Yohan scrunched his face a little. What’s the big deal? I raised my right arm to show him.
"My right arm hurts a bit sotis."
Even Go Yohan probably wouldn’t press further. As expected, he let out an "Ah" and scratched the back of his neck with his long fingers. It seed like his own way of expressing so embarrassnt or awkwardness. Fortunately, Go Yohan didn’t ask any further.
****
It was just like before. Go Yohan, just like in the past, was lying on the bed while I had my tutoring session. Feeling awkward, I ended up making an excuse even though the tutor hadn’t asked. Just like back then.
“My friend said they’d be back soon, but sohow, we ended up staying together... Is that okay?”
“As long as you're not in the way. Have you finished your howork?”
“Yes.”
The college student, who wasn’t even a professional tutor but had agreed to teach just because he was attending Korea University’s business program, didn’t seem too concerned. I, on the other hand, didn’t bother with anything like being conscious of him, unlike school teachers who care about grades.
After the tutor left, Go Yohan stayed at my house until dinner, even humming through his nose while rummaging through his things in my room.
“You didn’t throw away my books, huh?”
“Don’t tell you’re talking about those weird comic books?”
“No. But yes.”
“......”
Go Yohan was pulling out things I had deliberately stuffed in the built-in closet, the things I didn’t want to see. Then he was scattering those things around my room, leaving them in plain sight, and I sighed quietly.
“Just take them back now, if you want.”
“Books? Or clothes? Or the ga console?”
“G-ga...”
I froze for a mont, at a loss for words. There was a ga console too? Where had he even left it?
“...Just take it all.”
After a bit of hesitation, I said it firmly, as if to convince myself. I had to say it. Erasing Go Yohan’s presence was the biggest task I had to tackle in order to remove him from my life.
“Why does my house have to be your storage?”
Naturally, I expected Go Yohan to argue back. That’s how I imagined him in my head. But the real Go Yohan responded surprisingly simply.
“Okay, I got it.”
Then he grabbed a few books and said:
“Then I’ll just take one each day, right?”
“......”
His words, said with that narrow-eyed smirk, were so insincere. That’s what he was planning, wasn’t it? With that excuse, Go Yohan would probably invade my house every day. Letting him in once was a mistake. I sat down in my desk chair, reflecting on my mistake. Honestly, I didn’t argue further. I could’ve said, ‘Well, you live next door anyway, just take it all at once,’ but I didn’t.
That was also because of my own nature of not being firm with Go Yohan. Thousands of refusals swirled in my head, but I didn’t say them out loud for fear of making another mistake.
After all, the sight of Go Yohan in his white sumr uniform, exposing his pale forearms as he touched things around my room, was testing my limits. Every ti he raised his hand unnecessarily, his waistline would show briefly.
I wish Kang Jun had died. I wish he were dead.
I lowered my head to stop myself from thinking that. Then, I noticed the gray slip of paper poking out of my pocket. Watching Go Yohan lying on my bed with his eyes closed, I pulled it out with a sense of despair. The paper was indeed the early leave note. But the more important thing was the information written on the back.
Just a few hours ago, I had asked my horoom teacher for a favor. I told her that my right wrist had been aching, and I wanted to go see an orthopedic doctor. The teacher had gladly agreed to my request, and then I quickly called her again.
“Um, teacher... Could I ask one more thing?”
“One more favor? What is it? If it’s sothing you need, I’ll do it for you.”
“Well, I might miss out on howork or the test material if I’m late…”
“Why? Should I ask soone else to make sure you get your stuff?”
“No, it’s not that…”
I purposely dragged out my words, looking down at the floor, crossing my feet.
“It’s just...”
And when I slowly raised my head, the teacher was giving a slightly defeated expression. I thought to myself, it's working. I bent my head deeper to hide my smile. To others, it might have looked like I was on the verge of crying. And that was even better.
“My classmates don’t really like these days…”
“......”
As expected, the teacher seed to have picked up on it. After all, the incident in the science lab must have spread through the staff room by now. And knowing that the teacher had been ddling with Han Junwoo and Han Taesan, it made sense. I paused again, lowering my voice even further. The teacher leaned in closer, listening intently. Truly, she was a kind teacher.
“So, I was wondering if I could ask soone else to help ... Is that okay?”
“Well, of course. Who? Tell , I won’t tell anyone.”
I wondered if she had said the sa thing to Han Taesan. Probably, yes. Then, at that ti, Han Taesan must have pointed out. I couldn’t help but let out a smirk. I was in the exact sa position as Han Taesan. The situation was a bit different, but yes, I was willingly in this place now. I opened my mouth, pretending to hesitate, and said in a voice as if looking for approval.
“Jae Hyun... He’s really nice.”
“Jae Hyun?”
“He helps when I don’t eat well…”
“Ah, I see now...”
That was all I needed to say. The question about Shin Jae Hyun had probably been the trigger. So I deliberately acted more pitiful, exaggerating the situation and turning myself into the victim. It wasn’t sothing to be ashad of. It was just an investnt for the future. The more pitiful I appeared to the teacher, the better. Teachers were more lenient toward the weak.
To be honest, my wrist wasn’t aching at all. My real objective was sothing else.
The reward for my act of pity. I looked at the paper in my hand and then at Go Yohan, who was lying on the bed. His breathing was irregular. Obvious. He was pretending to sleep. I left the playful request to be observed hanging in the air and focused my eyes on the corner of the gray slip of paper.
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