Still, the noble Catholic spirit of Yeongseong took a step back. In the end, he had to move away, out of the district. He did say so harsh words during Christmas when he got pretty heated, but looking back now, it was nothing more than a rash outburst, and I don’t even want to think about it again.
That day, Gorosa, with a pale face, said sothing to .
“You sociopath bastard. No one in this world will ever like soone like you, and you’ll never experience loving soone in your lifeti. You’ll live like that forever.”
Sociopath, huh? What’s with this middle school kid daydreaming?
Well, yeah, that's true. What did I do wrong? It was that bastard who insulted first, and I was just acting in self-defense. Why should I get scolded for it?
Ah, there is one reason. Jo Jaeuk's parents love him so much that they stayed in their original place, while my parents hate , so they never cared about my pride. I get it now, how obvious it was.
Then how did I last three years in this inescapable garbage heap? While I was thinking, early sumr was approaching.
****
No, maybe hitting Jo Jaeuk was the right thing to do.
It was like soone had turned off the power. The accident stopped. The broken radio repeated just one word. My throat felt as if it was burning with heat. A voice, still stuck inside, boiled inside my throat.
I saw a white bird. A heron, walking along the sewer with long legs, craned its neck. I noticed a strange white bird staring at . Its light brown eyes clearly reflected my figure. Just as I focused to get a better look, everything around turned black and white.
“……”
I’m sure that bastard said sothing while looking at .
That kid alone was shining in a brilliant white. He turned his head and whispered sothing to his friend, and then the world stopped.
The conditions for a miracle were special. The slightly bent white neck from looking down at the highly damaged dish, the blue veins faintly visible on the hand, the sharp nose, the thick double eyelid that appeared and disappeared with every blink, the full lips protruding out, the uniform buttoned all the way up, and the unusually prominent ankle bone—all of these had to be there for such a miracle to happen.
Seventeen, about to welco early sumr. Soon the evergreen trees would bloom, and in the cafeteria, white snow fell.
I still clearly rember it. The kid, looking dissatisfied with the dish in his hand, constantly frowned, then put the spoon back in the utensil holder. And still frowning, he picked the spoon from the innermost place and placed it on his al tray. He seed satisfied and kept glancing around, even standing on tiptoe.
“……”
In my nervousness, I dropped the al tray, but I didn’t even hear the noise. I fumbled around for my hands. I had to find out who that kid was. As soon as I grabbed a firm body, I hurriedly asked without knowing whose it was.
“Who’s that?”
“What?”
“Who’s that…”
“What the hell are you saying? Goddamn it, let go. You bastard. You almost made the pork cutlet fall. Damn bastard.”
“Who’s that?”
I recognized the voice—it was Kim Minho. That rotten-eyed bastard wouldn’t know. I pointed quickly with my finger at the kid who was disappearing in the distance. Kim Minho, as if he understood, nodded and told a na.
“It’s Han Junwoo. That bastard.”
“Han Junwoo?”
“That bastard’s been getting a bit famous lately. What, you look a bit scared?”
“……Han Junwoo. Han Junwoo, huh?”
“Why the hell are you asking back? You should know him, damn it. Huh? I told you this many tis. Many tis! That bastard’s the one causing all the trouble in Donggwan lately. Sex king bastard. He’s obsessed with won. Fucking bastard.”
Han—Jun—Woo. Han Junwoo. The uncomfortable feeling lingered on my lips. Sex king? By now, the snow that had fallen in early sumr lted. The unpleasant remaining wetness stayed on the playground, leaving only thick emotions behind.
“Damn it.”
I didn’t expect him to be a punk. Pretending to be all clean and proper, living like a rag. I felt disgusted at myself for paying attention to such a filthy bastard. That dirty satanic prick. A fourth-grade parasite living in a sewer.
My frustration didn’t go away even after finishing the al. I didn’t even finish eating. I just left my tray sowhere on the table and stord out. It was all because I saw that disgusting thing. Damn it.
****
Donggwan Han Junwoo. That na, which I had been ignoring since the beginning, stuck in my head. A na that kept being ntioned, despite trying to dismiss it. The rumor was that if Go Yohan was in Seogwan, Han Junwoo was in Donggwan. Supposedly, soone of my level would be with him.
What the hell does “my level” an? That such a filthy bastard would be associated with my na?
But others misunderstood my pure intentions as rivalry. This is a huge misunderstanding.
“Go Yohan finally asked about Han Junwoo’s na. That bastard, last ti he asked about Han Sunwoo or An Woojun, right? That bastard who acted like he wasn’t interested finally asked about him? You look a little threatened, huh? That bastard looks unusual.”
Recently, Kim Minho had started going wild. He kept ntioning a na I didn’t want to hear, and he was acting obnoxious in front of . Now he was waving his dirty hand in front of my face, and it was getting out of control. But as soon as I saw Han Junwoo, the certainty I had ca rushing back, and I shut my mouth. I was so embarrassed. I was angry that I had such thoughts when I saw that bastard, and I couldn’t endure it.
“Anyway, that bastard’s flashy. Han Junwoo. They say he drops his pants as soon as he sees a woman. They say he’s been having sex before his dick even had hair? His style’s flashy as hell too. The bastard’s a pro at all kinds of sex. Doggy, reverse, scissors—he’s a master at banging won.”
“Does he even have enough sperm left?”
“Look at the bastard’s face. Huh? Ah, fuck. I don’t usually admit these things, but damn, that bastard’s good-looking. Even if he’s not strong, I’d still fuck that face. He probably bent his soft clay and shoved it in.”
“Ah. Fuck. I imagined it. Must hurt like hell.”
Shoving clay into that face? What a crazy bastard……. Looking at him, he was just a perverted asshole with a ton of flaws. Han Junwoo, that bastard. That shaless bastard had ssed with . I definitely made eye contact with him. But he ignored and acted like he was fiddling with his damn spoon. It was on purpose. It was on purpose.
Let make this clear. Whether that bastard was looking at or not, and why he was looking at . I couldn’t stand the curiosity. No, he was looking at . As long as I confirm that he was looking at my face, that’s enough. It’s now third-period break. I just need to wait for one more class to end. Once the class finishes, I’ll go down just like I did last ti. Then I’ll catch him looking at .
Then? If I see it? Then what? ……I’ll smash his fucking face in. For making think such things about him. That bastard who walks around like a goddamn animal while having the nerve to ntion my na.
“Yohan, you’ve got your own shit to do, right? Don’t you think you should go on a bathroom tour for the sake of your reputation?”
“Did you just get ignored? He just straight-up dissed you, Kim Minho. That’s so fucking pathetic.”
“What the hell do you an he dissed ? Huh? Huh, look at this bastard. Ah, fuck. You’re making lose my mind, you know that? Huh? Hey, hey! You son of a bitch, what the hell do you think I am?”
“Hey, hey! Move. The bell rang.”
“You two-faced bastard. Don’t shake your fucking ass around. Stop shaking! When the teacher cos, leave. Huh? Hey, you want to sit next to for class today? Ahh, ahh!”
“Stop fucking around and get lost. Ah! Move! Let go! I need to go to my seat!”
Now, just one more class. Exactly one class left.
I twisted my neck. With a cracking sound, a sense of relief washed over . Ah, finally, my head’s working again. Yeah, that bastard’s face wasn’t bad. But I’ve always hated those kinds of assholes. Those bastards who stick their heads into every hole with their light asses. I need to see that face crumble sohow. That’s the only way I’ll feel relieved.
Class? I didn’t hear a thing. The only sound that reached was the ticking of ti. It was the sa old, unbelievable, but not surprising thing. The sound of ti passing was exactly like the sound of pages turning. My pages are covered in yellow highlighter, though. Fuck, now the ink’s not coming out.
“I’ll let you out 5 minutes early today. Wait a bit, and when the bell rings, get out.”
As soon as the English teacher finished speaking, I threw the highlighter. It seed to fall sowhere below the floor, but I didn’t care. I spread my fingers and placed my hand on the desk. The yellow ink sared between my middle and index fingers bothered .
"Yohan, do you want to leave early today? Let’s leave one minute before. No need to listen to this English crap."
I nodded at the words I didn’t even know who said.
English class wasn’t even trying to keep us in check. They were just delivering the scheduled ti as a formality. Only five minutes. Every ti I thought about that bastard in those five minutes, the vivid mory started to fade.
He looked fucking tiny. A loser, smaller than average, talking about sex. Crazy. Who the fuck does he think he is? One punch and he’d start bawling like a bitch.
A rough hand grabbed my shoulder. Normally, I’d ask what the hell was going on, but I just numbly stood up and followed. Go Yohan, run! Strangely, today, the pigs were grinning and running through the hallway with heavy steps, their feet pounding the ground. I’ve always hated this. I hated the way «N.o.v.e.l.i.g.h.t» they buzz around like fucking flies over food. Maybe that’s why. Every ti I ran down the stairs, my heart pounded harder.
“Shit, it’s first-co, first-served today! We’re having pork ribs! You guys know the drill, right? Whoever takes the smallest bowl is dead. Got it?”
When I arrived at the cafeteria, there were barely thirty people left. I quickly scanned the faces, but Han Junwoo wasn’t there. Nowhere. Gone. Really. My heartbeats, which had been pounding so wildly, gradually slowed and quieted down as if nothing had ever happened. Fuck, then why did I even rush here?
In fact, I didn’t need to co at all just to confirm that bastard was watching .
“Shit.”
I roughly shook my head. What the hell am I doing, running here like a pig? The disgusting sll of food mixed in the air slowly brought back to my senses. I lost my appetite.
As soon as I raised my hand to grab the al tray, I saw the yellow ink sared on it. In that mont, I fell into the water of “reality awareness.”
“What the hell did I just do?”
“So what! What are you doing? Hey, hey, hey! Don’t block the way, just serve the food. Can’t you see the others can’t eat? The 3rd years will be here soon, hurry up and take a seat, huh? Damn, you’re so rude. You should be like and take it fast. Real fast.”
“Shit, when did Kim Minho get here?” That bastard had already filled his tray with stead dishes, and right behind him, Kim Seokmin was greedily scooping food onto his tray. Watching the pathetic sight made even more disgusted. I almost felt like throwing up, so I stuck my tongue out and turned my body away.
“I’m not eating lunch.”
“Hey, you fucking bastard! Don’t co near ! You wanna get beaten up, huh?”
“……Minho, isn’t that a bit too much?”
The neat wire in my head twisted instantly. I’ve felt it before, but Kim Minho, that bastard—always acting like he’s so high and mighty. Friends shouldn’t be hurting each other. He speaks like he’s above everyone else, especially when he’s talking down to soone lower than him, and he likes to subtly lift up Han Junwoo… He’s fucking disgusting.
“Yeah, you, you bastard. I even set a seat for you. What? You’re not eating?”
“Minho.”
I turned around and walked straight up to Kim Minho. The fact that we’re the sa height already annoyed , and his shitty manners and tone made it worse.
“I’ve been thinking since the beginning of the sester, why the hell do you talk like that? You’re hurting everyone with your words.”
Friends should get along, you asshole. Though, I’m not even his friend.
I moved closer until our foreheads almost touched. Kim Minho’s warmth was unpleasant, but the pleasure of watching his eyes slowly die down made the disgust bearable. I grabbed the edge of his al tray with my yellow-inked hand and pulled it downward.
“……”
“……”
The hand clutching the tray couldn’t handle my strength and wobbled. The tilted tray spilled hot soup and stained his shirt, which looked like it hadn’t been washed in days, with brown. It must have been hot. I found that amusing, and my lips curled up. I stared at Kim Minho without blinking. The eyes that had been glaring out of spite trembled once, and his gaze dropped.
Ah, what an idiot. Only then did I openly raise the corners of my lips and flicked his al tray with my finger. Watching the soup slosh out was even more fun than dodging it awkwardly.
“No matter how much we’re friends, you have to show so respect. What the hell are you saying? Making people feel bad, you asshole.”
“If you’re not going to eat, you should’ve said so beforehand… You bastard…”
“Why should I? Are you my mom?”
I couldn’t believe it. Why? Kim Minho mumbled sothing in response to my words. But, is it even worth listening to? I’ve already said everything I needed to say. I did my part for the greater good. Wow, I just did sothing really good. This is definitely an event worthy of going to heaven. When you do sothing good, it feels good.
I stepped back with a light heart and grabbed so spinach-like side dish from Kim Minho’s tray with my unwashed hand. I grabbed it with a good heart. I was doing him a favor—telling him to watch his diet. Yellow ink-covered fingers tangled with the green dish. I carefully placed it on top of the ribs and stirred it a little. The oil on my fingers was wiped onto Kim Minho’s school uniform.
There’s nothing more amusing than watching a face crumble. Who the hell was throwing a tantrum about being hit? Minho.
“Today, just have plain rice and kimchi. You’re about to get foot-and-mouth disease. You know I said that out of kindness, right? Love you.”
“Hey, you fucking bastard, hey, you asshole, you think I can’t eat this shit?”
“Are you really going to eat this? Wow, our Minho isn’t just any pig, huh. You’re quite the pig, huh? Eating everything, even your own kind. What, is there so of your little brother’s at here too?”
“Huh? Huh! Huh! There is! Eat it! You bastard! Eat it! I’ll eat it! Eat it!”
“Alright. Enjoy your al.”
He’s so sensitive. But it’s fine. He looks apologetic, so I’ll generously forgive him. Where can you find soone as kind as ? I’m so nice. I wiped my hands again on Kim Minho’s uniform and turned my steps. Soone with a vague impression, soone I’d played with a few tis, suddenly spoke up.
“Go Yohan, you’re really not eating?”
“Yeah. Not eating……”
Still, since we were in the sa class, I thought I should answer. That’s when it happened.
I made eye contact. Really. This ti, for sure. A white bird flowing through the black water was staring at . Among the 3rd years gathered, Han Junwoo was there. His double eyelids, which seed slightly swollen compared to yesterday, fluttered and then disappeared.
“……”
Soone around is definitely talking to . What did they say? Why was he looking at ?
How did that bastard look like that? Every ti he blinked, the thick double eyelids clearly stood out, his long white neck, the soft-moving plump lips, his white face contrasting with his jet-black hair, his hands occasionally covered by his clothes, his thin fingers, his protruding cheeks when he moved—everything about him was strange and peculiar. Fuck, how the hell does a person look like that?
His black gaze swept over for a long mont. Then, pretending not to care, he turned his head. And as soon as his back was completely to , the noise of the crowd flooded over my head.
“……”
Boom. The sound of the al tray crashing against the dishes. The herd of pigs rushing past . Soone shoved from behind, and my body staggered. Oh shit. I quickly looked up and checked the ti. It had been 15 minutes since lunch started.
Am I crazy? Why the hell am I acting like I’m on the verge of dentia? Oh, right. I had dentia.
“Uh……”
Why did teenage Go Yohan fall down the stairs late at night? Thanks to that, the back of my head was squished like tofu. The Go Yohan before that was brilliant, though. Now he’s like a millipede with thousands of legs. A red centipede that died floating in toilet water.
Han Junwoo tapped the shoulder of the guy standing in front of him. What’s he doing? Just a guy with the sa damn thing hanging between his legs...
At the sa ti, he glanced at . It was just for a brief mont, but I definitely saw it. His eyes weren’t big or small, but his pupils were a light brown, glowing softly. And I read malice in that gaze. I don’t know what it was, why he looked at like that, but it pissed off.
Fuck, that bastard’s looking at like that, and I’m getting looked at with those damn eyes?
****
Seventeen, late into the night, had beco a habit. At this age, you don’t want to go ho. I decided to call this ti "the storm." After all, when I go ho, no one’s going to look for . So, of course, it makes sense to go where more people will be looking for . That’s the logic.
Classmates introduced to people I don’t even rember the nas of. It was one-ti friendship. I kind of liked it, and it wasn’t uncomfortable. Deep friendships? I hate those. Eventually, everyone’s going to hate . It’s obvious. That’s just the way I am.
So, after having a random conversation and hanging out, my mood suddenly soured, and I ca back. There’s a mont when their eyes change. That’s when my conversation is over.
On the way ho, the sun had already set, and the dark night was settling in. The neighborhood to the left of the school. As I passed, I made a stop at an old four-story building that looked just like . It hadn’t been rented for a long ti, and the building, full of dust, was only filled with cigarette butts and soju bottles.
The door was locked with glass, but if you pulled the first-floor window, sowhere would always be open. Soone had been in and out. No elevator, just a random height. Even the fact that there was a bathroom in the half-basent seed like sothing Go Yohan would do.
“Yohan. Public urination is a serious cri.”
Life’s shit, but I can’t let death be shit too. At least when I die, I should go to a happy place. They say heaven is where everyone is happy.
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