AVELINA
30th September 2003
Braelyn... Braelyn... Braelyn.
It is getting annoying. It feels like everything is about her. As long as she is there, I co second. It is like they are the perfect family and I am the one trying to fit in.
Even when Dominic tries to hide it, he favours her over . I just know it. I try to hide this jealousy I feel, but I can’t.
Dominic suggested they stay a few more days after Braelyn’s birthday. Although I didn’t want to be around her for long before this twisted jealousy turned into sothing else, I agreed.
I knew it was for my good. The doctor said I should slowly get used to her presence.
I couldn’t turn him down, not when he was trying so hard. Braelyn fell a few steps down the stairs at the main entrance yesterday and scraped her knee. She started crying loudly, and of course Dominic rushed over to help her.
He held her, trying to coax her, before his gaze drifted to , standing at the veranda, unbothered. I was there when she fell. She cried for almost a minute before Dominic arrived; the entire ti, I didn’t even move a muscle to help her.
Dominic gave that look of pure disappointnt. He scooped her into his arms, and for the first ti ever, he said sothing to condemn . He said even a monster would show so empathy, or at least a little bit of sympathy.
Those words stung, not because he insinuated I was worse than a monster, but because it was the first ti he had ever said sothing like that to . He was starting to see as a monster just because of her.
And in a low voice, he added that he knew this wasn’t . The Avelina he knew was kind.
I am not kind. Kind people don’t do what I have done.
Braelyn was taking everything from . My peace, and now my husband. This was all Nadia’s doing. Even beyond the grave, she was still making my life a living hell.
******
2nd October 2003
While Dominic was asleep, I snuck out of bed to get a glass of water, but sohow I ended up in Braelyn’s bedroom.
She was fast asleep. My chest tightened seeing how peaceful she looked while I was being plagued myself.
At the sa ti, I stared at her. Really looked at her. It was the first ti I observed her features. She looked so much like her, and it made the sting worse.
He was right. I was a monster, or so I thought. If not, how could I explain the urge I had to strangle her? The voices in my head told that if she disappeared, everything would go back to how it was in the past.
Only a monster would think that. She was the child I had badly wanted forever. My hand wrapped around her neck. It was so small.
Her eyes fluttered open. She saw and just stared. She didn’t fuss or anything. Her gaze just settled on in an unsettling way.
As if she was taunting . Like she was waiting for .
Do it, the cold voice told . I didn’t know if it was the devil, my voice, or Nadia’s voice that always plagued .
In the end, I couldn’t. The thought of how Dominic would be affected stopped . He had tried and stayed with for six years now. That ant sothing.
I ran out of the bedroom, down the corridor, finding my way to the roof.
If I was gone, Dominic wouldn’t have to deal with a lunatic like . I wanted to jump off and end it. The realisation that I might never truly heal weighed heavily on my shoulders.
The doctors said I was okay, but why couldn’t I accept Braelyn yet? I got to the edge and jumped, ready to embrace death.
Death didn’t co. Before I fell, Dominic caught . He pulled back up and held in his trembling arms. I fought and struggled, saying he should leave , that I was a monster.
He called a monster. He didn’t let go until I stopped fussing around. His voice was hoarse when he said I was Avelina Alderheim, the woman he loved, and not a monster.
He said I was just broken, and broken things could be fixed—and that broke even more.
He still had hope for .
********
5th October 2003
I am really sorry. I am sorry.
I don’t know how many tis I have to say or write it to show how much I an it. I didn’t expect things to turn this way, or my mind to harbour such twisted thoughts.
Sothing bad happened today.
I was sitting by the lakeside this morning, enjoying the feeling of the sand under my feet. It was one of the few monts I had true peace.
While I was lost in the mont, a small hand tugged at my sleeve. She gave a harmless smile and asked if I could play with her, and before I could respond, she shoved a doll into my hand.
I should have walked away, but I didn’t. That would make her sad, and Dominic would not like it. It was just playing with dolls and nothing more.
It was the first ti I spent ti with her alone. We were playing when I knocked Braelyn’s doll down. Her doll fell to the ground, and she refused to pick it up.
She stared at and said people die when they get shoved hard. I froze, then asked her where she heard that from. She didn’t answer and just stared, like she knew sothing.
I am sorry. I am sorry.
I didn’t an to react the way I did. I didn’t even realise what I was doing until Dominic stord in, barking at .
I tried to drown Braelyn. If Dominic hadn’t co, she might have died. She was rushed to the hospital unconscious, and Dominic hasn’t returned ho since.
I didn’t go to the hospital with them. I couldn’t bring myself to.
Sothing shook to my core today. The sight of Braelyn’s fragile body, drenched, made realise how truly dangerous I was.
Sothing in ached at the sight.
I didn’t hate her as I believed. I didn’t want her to die.
I am truly sorry.
If Braelyn dies, I don’t think I can ever forgive myself.
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