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Bai Ye tucked a strand of loose hair behind my ear before he continued. "I had no intention of taking any disciples when Su Nian—Wen Shiyin's master, if you don't know her na yet—first ca to Mount Hua. But she wanted to train in dicine, and although I had barely started on that path myself at the ti, I was the only one at Mount Hua that knew at least so of it. The Gatekeeper wanted to give her a chance at trying what she wanted to pursue, so he sent her my way despite my disagreent.
"That was over two hundred years ago, and only a few decades since … the incident with Twin Stars. I was despondent, to say the least, and since I had no clue how to be a good master, I just let things take care of themselves. Su Nian mostly learned from watching prepare potions and following on herb-gathering trips. I didn't pay too much attention to her until the ti ca for the master's ceremony almost a year later. When I warned her again that becoming my disciple wouldn't be the best choice for her, the way she pleaded to stay … made realize that she was starting to grow different feelings. That was when I sent her back to the Gatekeeper, and I had rarely seen her since.."
I tried my best not to flinch. If I didn't know he was recounting a story about Su Nian, I would've thought that he was talking about instead. A disciple in dicine, quietly following his guidance and watching his every step, admiring him but hiding her feelings in the shadows … She was just like , and I could almost see how she had fallen for him day by day.
The realization pinched . I couldn't help thinking that if she had t him at a better ti, she could've been the one to beco his only disciple, and I would've never even appeared at Mount Hua. She would be the one sitting here next to him right now.
Had he also been as caring and gentle to her as he always was to ?
"Qing-er." He took my hands, and I didn't realize that I was clenching them hard until he unfurled my fingers and held them. "I admit that I feel a little guilty every ti I think of this … because I should've noticed her change sooner and stopped it before it was too late. It was due to my negligence that she still doesn't have a daoist companion after all these years, and I feel sorry that I can't do anything to fix this. But that's all there is to it. Nothing more in the past or future."
I nodded—he had already told everything I needed to know, and I should've been satisfied with the answer. But sohow, I wasn't. "What is she like?" I asked. I couldn't stop comparing myself to her and imagining how different things could've turned out.
He seed taken aback by my question. "What's she like?" he repeated. "She … probably looks like her mid-twenties now … a bit taller than you, if I rember correctly …"
The genuine confusion and struggle on his face made chuckle, and the gloomy thoughts in my mind lightened. "I ant what kind of person is she," I said.
"Oh … she has a good heart and a talent for dicine … if she followed through on that path." There was a wisp of pity in his voice. "She had helped take care of so of the disciples injured from that incident, and her work was impressive. But after the Gatekeeper took her in as a disciple, she focused solely on swords and stopped practicing dicine in the end."
There was no longing in the way he spoke of her, only an appreciation like any master would show to a disciple, and that eased a little. "The injured disciples?" I let my focus drift to a small detail that caught my attention. "From … Twin Stars? But you said she ca to Mount Hua decades after that?"
"She did. So people's injuries … were bad enough that they were untreatable." He lowered his gaze, and I felt his grip tighten. "I looked after them till their last days. Not that it could help bring anything back … but that was the only thing I could do."
A mixed feeling rose in . Of course he would've tried his best to make up for the damage that was done—this was the Bai Ye I knew, and I was glad for it. But at the sa ti, I couldn't help feeling jealous that Su Nian had spent almost a year by his side helping him through those difficult tis. The tis that he couldn't even bring himself to tell about.
"I wish I was there with you," I said in almost a whisper. "I wish I could've helped you then … like she was able to."
He seed taken aback again for a mont. Then he laughed softly. "I'm glad you weren't," he squeezed my hand. "Back then, I wasn't nearly the sa person as I am today. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that I had lost all hope in life for quite a while, and frankly … I don't know what anyone could see in such a person that's worth liking." He smiled a little embarrassedly.
I blinked, not expecting that the incident had affected him to such an extent. "Besides," he added, "if you were there like she was, what if I sent you away like I did to her as well?"
"…"
He chuckled at my speechlessness. "Don't compare yourself to her, Qing-er. I told you before that my disciple wouldn't have been anyone else except you, rember?" He rubbed his thumb softly over the back of my hand. "You are not like them. There's no one else like you in this whole world."
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