Sowhere in the Northern Wilderness, far enough from Hunter’s camp to avoid imdiate detection but close enough to beco a catastrophic problem very soon, a rchant caravan moved through the forest like a three-legged dog trying to win a race.
Not well. Not gracefully. But with a lot of heart and significantly more panic.
"Qiu Hengdao! Move your ass!" The voice belonged to Han Qiuyu, head guard and professional worrier. He was one of those ageless n who could be anywhere between thirty and sixty. The kind of face that made you think either rough life or amazing skincare routine, and honestly it could go either way. Scarred plate armor hung on his fra like it had been beaten by every sharp object in existence. Probably because it had. A black spear rested across his shoulders.
"Why are you always like this, Old Han?" Qiu Hengdao didn’t even turn around. The large rchant’s purple robes probably cost more than most people’s houses, and his voice carried that special confidence that ca from never having been truly poor. "We’re going as fast as we can! Besides, this area is nowhere near major bandit territory. You’re paranoid."
Several children giggled. The guards exchanged knowing looks. This argunt happened approximately every fifteen minutes.
In the trees above, sothing chittered.
It sounded like laughter.
Han Qiuyu’s hand tightened on his spear. His cultivation, ninth level Body Refining, let him sense things normal people couldn’t. And right now, he was sensing a whole lot of fuck this emanating from the canopy.
"Qiu." His voice went flat. Dead serious. "Red-Maple Shadow Squirrels."
The laughter stopped. The children stopped giggling. Even the horses seed to sense the mood shift, ears flattening against their heads.
"How many?" Qiu Hengdao’s expensive confidence evaporated like water on hot stone.
"Enough." Han scanned the tree line, spear at the ready. "The horses are already spooked. We need to move. Now."
"I’m trying!" Qiu grabbed the reins, channeling every ounce of desperation into his voice. "Co on! Go! Faster!"
The horses didn’t need encouragent. They could sll the squirrels. Sll the blood that always followed them. Their eyes rolled white with terror.
"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer!" Qiu was actually naming them as he whipped the reins. "Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Cot! On, Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen!"
Han stared at him. "Did you just—"
"Shut up and let motivate my horses!"
The lead wagon lurched forward, picking up speed. The other two wagons followed, their drivers equally terrified. Trees blurred past. The forest beca a green tunnel of panic.
Above them, the chittering grew louder. Closer.
Han’s spiritual sense picked them up. Dozens of furry bodies leaping from branch to branch, keeping pace effortlessly. They were playing. Herding. Waiting for the perfect mont to strike.
"They’re right above us!" Han shouted.
"I KNOW!" Qiu pulled harder on the reins. The horses were foaming now, running at speeds that would kill them if they kept it up. "There’s a clearing ahead! If we can just—"
A shadow dropped from above.
Red fur. Black eyes. Teeth designed by soone who really, really hated rcy.
It landed on the lead wagon’s canopy.
Then another. And another. And another.
The weight was too much. The horses scread. The wagon pitched forward, tilting dangerously.
"HOLD ON!" Han grabbed the nearest child, pulling them close.
And then they weren’t on the ground anymore.
The wagon hit a root. Or a rock. Or maybe just the universe’s sense of humor. Either way, it launched into the air like soone had installed a catapult beneath it.
For one beautiful, terrifying mont, they were flying.
The wind rushed past. The forest spread out below them. The twin moons visible in the dayti sky because physics worked differently here and nobody had ti to question it.
A child laughed. Actually laughed. The kind of nervous laughter that ca right before screaming.
Then gravity rembered it existed.
They plumted.
Hunter woke up with a pounding headache and a mood that could curdle milk.
He lay on the cave floor, which his brain kept insisting was a luxury hotel mattress. Denial: not just a river in Egypt, apparently.
How the hell am I supposed to be a bandit with that ice bitch Liu i hovering over like a passive-aggressive guardian angel?
The situation was impossible. Completely, utterly, magnificently impossible.
Hey Luna. About the whole Liu i situation. Kind of puts a damper on the banditry, doesn’t it?
Silence.
Luna? Hello? Don’t ignore .
[LUNA] ♪ I’M NOT HO RIGHT NOW ♪ [
LUNA] PLEASE LEAVE A SSAGE AFTER THE BEEP
[LUNA] BEEEEEEEEP ☎
You’re the worst.
[LUNA] ♥ LOVE YOU TOO ♥
Hunter groaned and dragged himself upright. The cave chamber slled like wet rock and poor life choices. His "five-star accommodations" consisted of a thin mat, so scattered cultivation manuals he couldn’t read, and the crushing weight of existential dread.
No point moping. That’s what she wants.
Outside, dawn painted the forest in shades of gold and murder. Birds sang. Deer grazed. Squirrels plotted genocide. Just another beautiful morning in Hell’s nature preserve.
Hunter engaged his spiritual sense and imdiately wanted to die.
A mile out, two packs of Red-Maple Shadow Squirrels were dive-bombing a group of unicorn werewolves. The wolves twisted and snarled, trying to shake off their attackers. It didn’t work. The squirrels burrowed through fur, then skin, then just... set up shop inside the wolves like nightmare tenants who refused to pay rent.
One wolf’s eye bulged. Then popped. A squirrel poked its head out from the socket, chittering happily.
Hunter shut off his spiritual sense so fast he gave himself a headache.
Nope. No. Absolutely not. I’m filing a complaint with managent.
[LUNA] I AM MANAGENT (◕‿◕✿)
That explains so much.
His three bandits were still asleep by the fire pit, drooling on themselves. Tao was snoring. Xuan had sohow tangled himself in his own clothes. Lex was sleep-talking about the thirty-year employnt sche again.
These were his elite forces. His crew. His future bandit empire.
We’re all going to die.
Hunter tried to devise a plan. Any plan. Sothing that involved not getting caught by Liu i, not dying to murder squirrels, and maybe, possibly, finding a way ho.
His brain offered him nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just elevator music and the vague sense that he’d forgotten sothing important.
Minutes ticked by. The restlessness grew unbearable.
"Screw it. I’m taking a walk."
He chose a direction. Away from the murder squirrels felt like a solid strategic choice.
The forest was different when you actually paid attention to it.
The trees weren’t just big. They were ancient. Colossal trunks wider than his apartnt building back in Boston. Bark that looked like it had been carved by ti itself. Crowns so thick and green they blocked out most of the sunlight, creating a perpetual twilight beneath.
The smallest sapling here would dwarf the largest oak back on Earth. Everything was scaled up, like soone had hit the "enlarge" button on reality and forgotten to stop.
Hunter reached out to touch one of the trees. The bark was warm. Alive in a way that went beyond biology. He could feel qi flowing through it, pulsing like a heartbeat.
This world is so weird. Beautiful. Terrifying. But mostly weird.
Then he noticed the insects.
Mosquitoes the size of mice hovered near a patch of stagnant water. Their proboscises looked like they could punch through steel. Maybe drink steel. Maybe beco steel. He didn’t want to find out.
And the bees.
Oh God. The bees.
They were the size of his fist. Black and yellow and buzzing with malicious intent. Their stingers looked like dieval weapons.
Hunter’s childhood trauma activated like a sleeper agent.
He was seven years old again. Family vacation. His little brother being an idiot. The rock. The hive. The swarm.
The hospital. His throat closing. The way his mom cried. The cockroach crawling past his face as he lay on the ground, unable to move, wondering if this was how he died.
Killer bees and murderous squirrels. Both on my permanent shit list. Right below Luna and slightly above wet socks.
He walked for what felt like hours. The sun barely moved. Ti was weird here too. Everything was weird here.
"Maybe I should move to a city," Hunter muttered to himself. His voice sounded strange in the quiet forest. "Find civilization. Get away from the murder forest. Except Luna would probably love that. ’Oh look, Hunter, a whole city full of people to rob! Think of the opportunities!’ Yeah. I’d be executed within a week."
He sat down on a boulder. Big. Flat. Perfect for contemplating the absurdity of existence.
My life is a joke and I don’t even get to laugh.
Then he heard it.
Hoofbeats. Lots of them. Coming from... above?
Hunter looked up.
Seven horses. Flying. Pulling a massive wagon through the air like physics was more of a suggestion than a law.
He blinked. Rubbed his eyes. Looked again.
Still there. Still defying gravity. Still heading directly toward the ground at a speed that could best be described as "terminal."
Is that Santa Claus? Please don’t let that be Santa Claus. I’m not emotionally prepared for Santa Claus.
[LUNA] ◈ NEW EVENT UNLOCKED ◈ 🎅 SANTA CLAUS% SPEEDRUN 🎅 CATEGORY: ANY% GLITCHLESS: OBJECTIVE: SAVE CHRISTMAS
REWARD: HOLIDAY CHEER (AND MAYBE LOOT) ACCEPT? (Y/N)
"Absolutely not. Skip. We’re not doing the Holiday DLC. I refuse."
[LUNA] YOU CAN’T SKIP RANDOM ENCOUNTERS SILLY (◕‿◕✿) THAT’S NOT HOW OPEN WORLD GAS WORK
"This isn’t a ga! This is my life!"
[LUNA] TOMATO TOMATO ¯_(ツ)_/¯
The wagon hit the ground.
BOOM.
The sound was apocalyptic. Like soone had dropped a building from orbit. Wood exploded into a million pieces. Splinters beca shrapnel. The impact crater was impressive and terrifying in equal asure.
Hunter dove behind his boulder as debris rained down like the world’s most violent confetti.
What the hell what the hell WHAT THE HELL.
Through the dust and chaos, he watched people crawl out of the wreckage. A guard in battered armor moved with military efficiency, checking bodies, barking orders. A large man in expensive purple robes stumbled out, sohow uninjured, looking more offended than hurt.
Then Hunter heard it again.
More hoofbeats. More wagons. Still airborne. Still incoming.
Oh no. Oh no no no.
BOOM.
The second wagon hit fifty feet away. This one didn’t explode so much as disintegrate. One mont it was a wagon. The next it was modern art made of suffering.
BOOM.
The third wagon completed the trifecta. Thirty feet from the second. The clearing now looked like a teor strike. Or a really aggressive ga of darts where the board was the ground and the darts were people’s livelihoods.
[LUNA] SHOOTING STARS! ☆ MAKE A WISH! (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧
"I wish I could delete you."
[LUNA] ☆ WISH DENIED ☆ TRY AGAIN NEXT YEAR ♥
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