(BL) Taming the Field Guide Chapter 211: A painful, but important memory

Brent had never felt so nervous in his whole damn life. He’d never been scared like this before either.

He shouldn’t be. It wasn’t like the man hadn’t had his hands all over him earlier or anything, so he should have so more confidence in himself. He just...couldn’t.

He’d been thinking about him, imagining him for so long that this was making him feel like a damn virgin all over again. It’d been like this the first ti he’d touched him outside of an official guiding session too.

That damn little tent that Sergei had to his na on the front lines was thin as hell and everyone could hear everything when they were together. He knew that was part of the reason why Sergei had it, so that other Guides couldn’t sneak up on him when he wanted to be alone, but then why had he been bringing Brent to the damn tent if he hadn’t wanted to do anything?

Brent had broken at one point, trying to touch Sergei but the man had quietly pushed him away without explanation. He’d done that for a while, pushing Brent away if it wasn’t for guiding purposes but still wanting him to sleep in the sa tent and cot as him and that ti had been the last straw.

Brent, embarrassingly, had started crying. His emotions had spilled over, and that had been the straw that broke the cal’s back. Being pushed away over and over again had finally forced Brent to snap. What else could he do?

Brent didn’t know how else to keep others by his side outside of sleeping with them. He’d even tried that with Kellen, for fuck’s sake! How was he supposed to keep anyone else by his side? He’d even kissed Gwen!

He couldn’t do this anymore.

Brent had grabbed his things, huffing and puffing, trying to hide his tears from Sergei because that would have only made the mont worse if he made fun of him for crying but of course the damn Esper could tell sothing was wrong. Sergei had looked confused that Brent was leaving, his hand on Brent’s shoulder firm.

Brent had tried to shrug it off, but the damn Esper wouldn’t let go. To the point that Brent found himself shouting.

"If you aren’t going to sleep with , leave the fuck alone!" The words had hung between them, thick and heavy. Brent had been embarrassed, annoyed, frustrated. He really liked Sergei, but this was all he knew. It had felt like a damn knife through the heart when Sergei had quietly, softly spoken after.

"I’m not going to sleep with you Brent." It was the final blow to Brent’s ego. He managed to find the strength to shrug off Sergei’s touch, surprising them both as Brent stumbled to his feet. Sergei seed to catch sight of sothing as Brent struggled to shove his damn boots on, his feet should have slid in easily since this was the damn front line, but it was taking longer than normal. "Wait, are you crying?" Sergei asked.

Another knife, another deep pain and Brent scoffed.

"Why the fuck do you care? You won’t sleep with so you don’t need to concern yourself with anymore." Brent said bitterly. Annoyed, angry, pissed off. What a waste of ti. He should have known better than to have feelings for anyone.

It never ended well.

"What do you an by that?" Sergei’s voice held an edge to it as Brent struggled to gather his things. He hadn’t even realised at the ti how much of his life had spread out into this tent. Brent sniffed. He wouldn’t be able to gather it all up in the middle of the night, not when he just wanted to flee.

Fuck, he’d been too damn hopeful. It was all because of Kellen. Fuck. It wasn’t fair to bla him, but seeing how happy Kellen could be with soone else had gotten Brent fucking hopeful. If Kellen could be happy, why couldn’t Brent?

This was the damn reason. He was too fucking twisted. Too damaged.

"I’m sorry I can’t grab everything right now. I’ll co back when you aren’t here and get the rest." Brent mumbled, not answering Sergei’s question.

"Brent, where the hell do you think you are going?" Brent had never heard that kind of tone from Sergei, ever. He could get mad, he could get angry, but he’d never heard this raw anger and desperation before. Maybe he was twisted too, which was why he’d had fun stringing Brent along.

Brent gave a harsh laugh.

"I’m going back." Brent told him bitterly. Fuck, he’d been crying so much that he needed to sniffle, but he’d be damned if so fucking man heard how much he’d hurt him. The only person who would be hearing about his failed love life was his pillow and Kellen, several months from now when the wound wasn’t so fresh.

Brent was half expecting Sergei’s hand wrap around his arm, what he wasn’t expecting was instead of his arm, Sergei wrapped his arms around his chest. He slid his hands around him, pulling him close against his chest and tucking his chin against shoulder. Brent froze, shocked that the man would touch him like this.

He’d fucking avoided touching Brent at all since this weird thing started happening between them. They’d been fine up until about 3 weeks ago when Sergei subtly started avoiding touching Brent. It had gutted Brent, but Brent had just convinced himself that this was just going to be a few days. Brent should have picked up on it for what it was. An Esper stringing along a Guide.

"Are you...crying?" Sergei asked, his whole body stiffening as Brent turned his head away from him. It was pointless at this point to try and get away from him, so the least he could do was try to retain so of his dignity.

"What the fuck do you care?" Brent muttered, bitter. Sergei sucked in.

"What do I care? I care a lot." Sergei muttered. Brent let out a bitter, angry laugh that had the other man flinching. Why the hell was he flinching? Brent was the one who felt like shit on the bottom of his shoe. He should be the one whimpering and running away.

"No you fucking don’t." Brent told him. "Otherwise, you wouldn’t be doing this to ." Brent muttered. Sergei froze.

"Doing what? I’m just...caring for you." Sergei told him and Brent thought that was the biggest lie he’d ever heard.

"Caring for ? Are you fucking serious? You think this is caring for ?" Brent did struggle then. Fuck this shit. "Let go." Brent spat. "Let the fuck go. I’m tired of this. I just want to leave." Sergei’s arms tightened.

"Not until you explain what is going on, Brent." He sounded so damn calm and cool all the fucking ti. He was the exact opposite of Brent, which was probably what drew him to him. All pretty and sparkly with those damn piercings and tattoos. Brent scoffed.

"I don’t have to explain a damn thing to you." There was silence as Sergei didn’t move and Brent wasn’t let go. It lasted all of five minutes before Brent exploded. "What the fuck do I even owe you at this point? You’ve rejected over and over. I finally got the damn hint, okay? Just let the fuck go, Captain Sergei." Sergei flinched like Brent had hit him.

"Rejected you? When have I ever done that?" Sergei sounded shocked, horrified really. Brent didn’t realise he was such a good actor.

"Do you think I’m dumb? Right now, 10 minutes ago you rejected again. Was it fun? Embarrassing and stringing along like this? I knew S Classes were fucking freaks, but I didn’t realise you were this twisted." Brent knew it was cruel, knew it was an, but he was hurt. Really, really hurt.

He’d really liked him, too. This was what he got for even trying to be vulnerable.

"I wasn’t stringing you along." Sergei whispered, his grip tightening on Brent and Brent laughed. He couldn’t hide it anymore now, the tears. The laugh sounded wet and painful even to his own ears.

"Fuck." Brent cursed, his voice cracking. "Just let the fuck go. You don’t even like enough to let break down in private? Fuck you." Brent sniffled, his body shaking with his tears. Sergei was stunned.

"No-I wasn’t-that wasn’t-" He sucked in. "I just wanted you to want for ." Sergei whispered quietly and Brent snorted.

"I was trying but you kept pushing away!" Brent exploded. Fuck, this was exactly the kind of situation he wanted to avoid. He wouldn’t look over at Sergei at all. Fuck. Him.

"No, that’s not-I wanted to take it slow." Sergei said. Brent heard him swallow. "I thought you understood that. I didn’t want to be like the others you dated." Dated? They were dating in his mind? This was fucking news to Brent!

"I can’t do slow!" Brent exploded, tears pouring from his eyes and embarrassnt making him an. "I’ve never been able to do slow! I don’t have that kind of ti! I live fast and dangerously because any fucking day could be my last and you’re telling you’ve been wasting my ti like this because you fucking didn’t want to be like the others? Well, sorry to disappoint you but you aren’t any fucking different from the others who just want to possess to say that they did." Brent’s words seem to strike a chord in Sergei.

"Don’t say that about yourself." Sergei whispered lowly. "You aren’t going to die so easily." Sergei told him and Brent grabbed at his hands on his chest. It was cruel, but he dug his nails in. The man didn’t even flinch.

"Shut the fuck up and let go." Brent felt broken.

"I’m sorry." The words surprised Brent. He didn’t think the man had it in him to apologise. "I’m sorry that I forced you to speak about yourself this way. I’m sorry I made you cry. That wasn’t...my intention. I thought you were enjoying spending ti with . I didn’t realise I was hurting you. I’m sorry, Brent." What the fuck was Brent supposed to do when the man apologised so sincerely? Like he ant it?

Brent turned his face towards Sergei, his eyes still spilling over. Sergei’s eyes widened in surprise as Brent sniffed.

"I wouldn’t keep approaching you if I didn’t like you, dumbass. Stop treating like this. Is it so wrong that I want to be closer to you? Skin to skin? Fucking let find comfort in you, asshole." Sergei’s jaw had dropped, his eyes going wide as Brent told him what he was trying to do.

Sergei’s whole body softened and he let out a soft breath.

"I’m deserving of every na you call ." He breathed, and then the man sohow coaxed Brent back onto the cot. Brent could still rember the gentle touch, the dangerous way those eyes had glittered. He’d treated him so gently that everything before then felt like a fever dream.

That had been three days before the invasion. They hadn’t been able to talk about it after, like promised. They weren’t going to do much talking now, either.