Chapter 83: 83. You’re not worthy.
"Now I understand it when he said you are a terrible wife. How can you be sorry for loving soone who loves you too? How can you keep such burdens to yourself when you have soone willing to share them with you? How can you hold on to such thoughts when you have soone you can pour them out to?"
"I’m going to check on my wife. The two of you wait here till I return."
Oh no don’t leave
here with him after you just made
say those things! Is what I want to say, but he’s already out of the office and it’s just
and Duke here now.
Just
and him.
...
I don’t think it’s been over five minutes since Pastor Nathan left us alone to talk but why does it feel like five hours? We’ve been sitting here in silence and I don’t get uncomfortable around Duke, but this silence, after what I just poured out... this silence is very uncomfortable.
"You do know," Oh God help , he finally speaks. "He left us alone so we could talk, right?" he asks and I nod.
It’s obvious. It’s very obvious because Pastor Nathan’s wife is not even around at the mont. She traveled, so him saying he was going to go check on his wife was a lie.
A pastor lying, just to give
a little ti to talk with my husband. This is quite funny if you think about it, and ridiculous.
Well, I guess if he calls his wife on the phone and speaks with her, it’s still checking up on her. It won’t be a lie then.
"I’m glad you agree with ." He says and turns his chair until his whole chair and body is facing . "So let’s talk."
I look up at him and I can’t read his expression. Is he angry? Is he not angry? Is he irritated or not?
I can’t tell by staring at him.
"Talk to ," He says again, "That’s why I chased you all the way to the church in the first place." Ah, I see.
I knew he was crazy but he just keeps doing things I never see coming. I never would have thought he would co to church just to talk to .
"I didn’t want to hassle you at ho because even though I wanted to talk things out with you, I still wanted you to rest when you got back ho late. I wanted to catch you in a place where you would be forced to speak with ."
He really is a persistent and calculating man. He could have co to
when I got back ho from work but he didn’t because he was being considerate of
but because he still wanted to talk to
he has chased
all the way to church.
"You succeeded." I simply say.
"Then tell ." He suddenly places his hands on my chair and spins
and the chair around till I’m also facing him with my whole body.
"Tell
why you keep comparing
to that bastard." Who is he talking about? Could he be talking of Rowan? "Why are you trying so hard to convince yourself that your relationship with
will end the way your relationship with Rowan Fletcher ended?" He really is talking about Rowan.
I look at him now and right now I know the expression on his face. It’s pain mixed with frustration. He’s not angry, he’s just disappointed in .
"WHY do you keep seeing him in ?"
"I don’t!" I finally speak up. "I don’t see him in you. I’ve never seen you as Rowan. Not even once." How can I compare the two of them? They are different in every way.
If I ever even compare them it’s not because I see Rowan in Duke or because I think they are similar, it’s only because Duke is so much better— in fact those words don’t really do justice to how much better of a person Duke is compared to Rowan.
His huge hand touches my own on my thighs, and he squeezes both my hands in one of his own gently, "Then tell
pagne," he says. "Make
understand why you keep thinking I will hurt you like he did?"
I don’t think he will hurt
like that, I just have this fear that one day, eventually, Duke will lose his love for . That has beco my greatest fear lately.
He moves from his seat and crouches down in front of . Looking up at
with those gray eyes that are able to drown a person’s soul he says, "They say words are not enough so I’ve tried to show you through my actions that I am nothing like that scum of a bitch—"
I gasp, "Duke! We’re in church. You can’t keep saying things like that."
He rolls his eyes and it’s almost cute, "Technically we’re in your pastor’s office, we’re not in church. And does it really matter right now?" True, I’m just trying to not talk about this.
"What more must I do to make you realize that I an it when I tell you, I love you pagne. And I cannot stop even if I want you." Oh every ti he confesses his love for , the sincerity and firm assurance in his gaze causes a maddening sensation inside .
"Trust , I know I cannot stop because I have tried to." What does that an? "And when I tell you it’s okay to love
half as madly as I love you because my love will never change, I an it."
"I know. I know you do. I swear I do—"
"Then why the heck will you feel sorry for loving ?" The pitch of his voice doesn’t increase or reduce but the coldness in those words is just chilling to the bone.
"I thought we were past that already. If you feel it’s shaless of you to love
then Pagne be shaless. I don’t care." He’s beginning to squeeze my hand a little too tight. "If you think it’s selfish, then be selfish, I want you to be selfish. I desperately do."
"Duke it hurts—" I say while looking him in his eyes and his hold instantly softens as his lashes fall close. And he brings his head to rest on my hands.
"When it cos to your desires towards , and your needs and wants towards , I want you to be selfish beyond reason." He says with his head still on my hands.
"I know, but I just can’t help feeling bad because you are too good for
and—" A sudden twittering sound makes
hold my remaining words.
He lifts his head from my hand and now I can see pure annoyance on his face as he rolls his eyes, "Maybe I was wrong for trying to convince you that there is nothing wrong with you," He suddenly says and rises to his feet.
"Since that’s not working, fine let’s do things your way." He stands before
with his hands in his pocket and he’s looking down at
with unfamiliar eyes.
"Let’s agree that you’re not perfect. Your life is a ss. It’s a total wreck," What?
"You keep saying you’re rubbing your imperfect world into my perfect world so yes, let’s agree that’s true." WHY is he suddenly acting like this?
"But do you see
complaining?"
No.
"Do I look like I hate it?"
No.
"Do I look like I regret any decision I’ve made regarding you?"
No.
"Your life’s not perfect and I want your imperfection. Your life’s a ss so bring your ss into my life. Your life’s a complete wreck and I want to be among the things you’d wreck. How hard is that?"
Very hard.
"You say I’m whole and you’re like a shattered glass, then shred
to pieces too, let
be shattered with you."
Is that how love is supposed to be?
Should he allow to ruin him all in the na of love?
"I keep telling you you’re worth more than I can ever explain but you still doubt that so fine, you’re not worth a lot,"
It hurts when he says the things I think of myself.
I don’t think I’m worth much. But hearing him saying it with such a face hurts. I prefer when he tells
I’m worth more than the entire world.
What do I want?
"You’re not worth all this effort and stress I’m passing through just to keep you as my wife, is that what you’d prefer
to say?"
"No. I don’t like hearing you say it." I confess with my eyes filled with tears about to burst.
"But you will have to listen since it seems my sincere words of affirmation don’t get through to you." Sotis I don’t like this man very much.
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