Chapter 26: Hell’s Kitchen (Reptile Edition)
Ren sprinted down the hallway until she was sure the naked Python King wasn’t slithering after her.
She skidded to a halt in a dark cavity, her breath coming in white puffs. It was freezing. The damp cold of the Onyx Palace was relentless.
"Okay," Ren shivered, hugging herself. "First order of business: tactical gear."
[System Inventory: Equip ’Down Winter Coat (Red)’? Yes/No]
"YES."
A heavy, puffy, bright red winter coat materialized in her hands. Ren shoved her arms into it and zipped it all the way up to her nose. It was hideous—she looked like a walking tomato—but it was warm. Gloriously warm.
"Fashion is dead," Ren muttered, pulling the hood up. "Long live hypothermia prevention."
She grabbed her frying pan and marched deeper into the palace.
"Hey, Siri—I an, System. Where is the kitchen?"
[Navigation: Follow the sll of rotting fish. Turn left at the statue of the Snake eating a Rat.]
"Charming."
The Slaughter Room
Ren pushed open a heavy wooden door and gagged.
This wasn’t a kitchen. It was a cri scene.
The room was damp, dimly lit by green moss-lights, and slled like a fish market that had lost power three weeks ago. Stone slabs were covered in scales, guts, and blood.
And standing in the middle of it all, holding a jagged obsidian knife, was Lyssa.
The green-scaled snake woman looked up. She was surrounded by three other harem mbers—a coral snake with red and yellow stripes, a white albino snake, and a brown pit viper. They were currently hacking at a pile of raw, slimy eels.
When they saw Ren enter...a tiny human wrapped in a giant red puffer coat holding a frying pan—they froze.
"You," Lyssa hissed, her forked tongue flicking out. "The Mammal."
"It’s Ren," Ren corrected, stepping into the room. Her boots squelched on the wet floor. "And I need this room. Clear out."
The snakes blinked. Then, they laughed. It was a dry, rasping sound.
"Clear out?" Lyssa stepped forward, towering over Ren. She waved her knife. "This is the Feeding Room. We prepare the King’s at here. You do not belong here, Pet. Go back to the Nest and wait for him to use you."
The other snakes giggled.
"Did you hear?" the Coral Snake whispered loudly. "Viper said she was oiling him."
"Disgusting," the Albino sneered. "Mammals are so... sticky. Does she think rubbing his scales will make him keep her? He will eat her when winter cos."
Ren’s eye twitched.
[System Quest: Kitchen Nightmares - Harem Edition.][Objective: Assert Dominance. Show these cold-blooded sushi-chefs what a real al looks like.][Reward: 1x Heavy Duty at Cleaver (Sharpness
10).]
Ren didn’t back down. She walked straight up to Lyssa.
"Listen, aspiring handbag," Ren said calmly. "The King is hungry. He wants hot food. Unless you want to go explain to him why his breakfast is late, you’re going to move your scaly ass."
Lyssa hissed, her eyes narrowing into vertical slits. "You dare order ? I am the First Concubine! I have ward his bed for five winters!"
"And yet," Ren smirked, "he still asked
to oil the hard-to-reach spots."
The room went silent.
Lyssa turned a shade of green that clashed with her scales. She raised her knife.
"I will cut your tongue out!"
Ren didn’t flinch. She raised her frying pan.
"Try it. I’ll turn you into a belt before you hit the floor."
They stood there, a standoff between obsidian and cast iron.
Suddenly, a stomach growled.
It wasn’t Ren’s. It was the Brown Pit Viper’s.
The snake woman clutched her midsection, looking embarrassed. "The sll... from yesterday. The spicy bird... I can still sll it on her."
Ren seized the mont.
"Exactly," Ren announced, lowering her pan but keeping her grip tight. "I sll like flavor. You sll like pond scum. Now, who knows where the ’Water-Seeds’ are?"
"Water-Seeds?" The Coral Snake blinked.
"Rice!" Ren mid eating from a bowl. "Small white grains! Grows in the mud!"
"Oh," the Albino pointed to a dusty corner. "The rat-food? We keep it in the sack."
Ren marched over. She found a burlap sack filled with wild rice. It was unpolished, brown, and dusty, but it was rice.
"Perfect."
Ren turned to the stone hearth in the center of the room. It was cold and covered in sli.
"I need fire," Ren barked. "And water. Clean water. Not the swamp sludge."
The snakes hesitated. They looked at Lyssa.
Lyssa crossed her arms, sneering. "Do not help her. Let her fail. When the King tastes her burnt rat-food, he will throw her to the crocodiles."
"Fine," Ren shrugged. "I’ll do it myself. But when the King asks who helped , I’m naming nas."
She pulled out her survival lighter. Click.
The fla flared up.
The snakes flinched back, hissing. Fire was terrifying to them in this enclosed space.
Ren built a fire in the hearth using dried drift-wood. She found a sowhat clean clay pot and filled it with water from a rain-catchnt barrel. She rinsed the rice.
Then, she began to cook Congee.
She threw the rice into the pot with extra water. She added the leftover ginger she had in her pocket (Chef’s habit). She grabbed a raw eel from the table—ignoring Lyssa’s screech of protest—and butchered it in seconds.
Chop. Chop. Chop.
Her knife skills were srizing. The eel was deboned, sliced, and tossed into the bubbling rice gruel before the snakes could blink.
She added salt. She added the last of her dried chili flakes.
Twenty minutes later, the sll changed everything.
The stench of rot faded. In its place was the warm, comforting aroma of slow-cooked rice, savory eel, and spicy ginger. It was a sll that promised warmth.
The snakes crowded closer. Their instincts were betraying them. They were cold-blooded. They craved heat. And this pot was radiating it.
"It slls..." the Coral Snake licked her lips. "Like sumr."
"It slls hot," the Albino whispered.
Even Lyssa uncrossed her arms, her nostrils flaring involuntarily.
Ren stirred the thick, creamy porridge. "It’s called Congee. It heals the gut and warms the blood."
She ladled a small amount into a wooden bowl. She held it out—not to Lyssa, but to the Brown Viper who had growled earlier.
"Want a taste?"
The Viper looked at Lyssa, then at the bowl. Hunger won. She snatched the bowl and downed it in one gulp.
Her eyes went wide. A flush of pink hit her cheeks.
"Oh!" she gasped, clutching her stomach. "It’s... it’s inside ! The heat! It’s moving!"
"Is it poison?" Lyssa demanded.
"No!" The Viper shook her head, smiling beatifically. "It’s... love. It tastes like love."
Ren smirked. "It’s called ginger, honey."
She ladled a massive bowl for the King.
"This is for Syris," Ren announced, picking up the tray. "Don’t touch the pot until I’m gone. Or do. I don’t care."
She walked toward the door. As she passed Lyssa, she stopped.
She leaned in close, her red puffer coat rustling.
"By the way," Ren whispered. "He likes it when you use the oil slowly. Maybe take notes?"
She winked and walked out.
Behind her, the kitchen erupted into chaos as the three harem mbers began fighting over the ladle to get to the leftover porridge.
"Give it to ! I am cold!"
"Back off! I saw it first!"
Lyssa stood alone, gripping her obsidian knife, watching Ren leave. Her face twisted with hatred.
"Enjoy your victory, Pet," Lyssa hissed to the empty doorway. "But the Molting Fever makes males possessive. And violent. Let’s see if you survive the real heat."
The Hallway
Ren leaned against the cool stone wall outside the kitchen, taking a deep breath. Her hands were shaking slightly.
"Okay," she exhaled. "One: I asserted dominance over the an Girls. Two: I made breakfast. Three: I am currently sweating in this coat."
[System Notification: Quest Complete.][Reward: Heavy Duty at Cleaver added to Inventory.][Influence Gained: The Snake Harem is confused and hungry.]
Ren looked at the steaming bowl of spicy eel congee.
"Now," she whispered, looking down the dark corridor toward the King’s Nest. "To feed the beast. And hope he doesn’t decide I’m dessert."
She pushed off the wall and marched toward the bedroom, oblivious to the fact that deep in the swamp, a white tiger was currently dismantling a crocodile with his bare hands just to ask for directions.
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