’Hah... At tis it feels out of place... like it did not happen to when it did... So little had I eaten and yet I still was able to push him away..... gosh... what was he even...!? Sigh... this is not healthy for my heart, haha... From denying a nightmare to now thinking of reality... which is more grieving?...’
The pain was different. Conflicting as well for everything differed from who I was at the ti. Separated into two souls, there were many feelings that could not be discerned by the other. Yet now, for example... when I recall the distorted face he would make in his violence, it is also accompanied by the youthful and innocent one he had when we were younger... the one I thought was gentle and truthful... that of my older brother who cared for when no one did..... and how this belief should have never been in my head.
"Haaa... When was it Paul... when was it that you turned depraved... how was it... what triggered the change in your spirit... in the spirit I once loved and admired so much..." — I asked the empty chambers that would listen without telling others... crying... because for many years I wanted to convince myself that he was still the boy that would play with , teach what I had difficulty with... and protect from the little things I feared as a child...
’... that was so long ago... before I was convinced that father wanted away... before he locked ... hah... I feel stupid to have believed he did it for my sake... yet what else was I to believe? He was always there... he was all I could see in the end that even if violent would talk nicely and warmly... I was small and too little to know... but he also was... so how? How was he able to do all of that when only a year older than I?? I cannot understand...’
"It’s not natural..... yet no matter how much I think about it, I cannot co up with the answer only he knows..."
— My loved Marianne, forever... we will be together forever... —
"..."
There was no way I could go back to sleep with these kinds of thoughts roaming my mind. A part of , even while aware that he was imprisoned, rembered clearly how at night he would appear by my side, at tis simply looking at ... at tis whispering things to ... sotis torturing ...
It had been a miracle itself for my slumber to co sooner than I could have expected it to begin with. Nevertheless, there was quite a simple relief that my consciousness could find, and it was that the darkness of my chamber was only allowed because of the curtains restricting the birth of the day to co inside.
Within myself, there was no real desire to let my spirit drown in the mories I had acquired or the nightmares they could invoke against my will. What was needed to do was still as clear as the waters of a manantial to ... and although I wanted to escape his gaze, eting him was the only answer to give this an end.
’He might not say anything of what I need him to tell ... but even so, I need to at least try... if necessary I will visit him more than once as long as I see found a clue about this witch...’ — I contemplated as I opened the last pair of curtains... those that led to the balcony I did not visit as nearly enough as I should.
The sight of the outside made my feet move on their own. The cold breeze of the young morning grazed gently as I paced solely to invoke an awakening shiver. A cold breeze that I decided to ignore as I stood outside in a gown, looking around... while also breathing in the clean air this day wanted to fill these distressed lungs with to gain the peace my soul sought.
’It looks like it will be a cloudy morning... yet over there I see so rebellious rays coming through the strokes of clouds, haha... It would be nice if once the sun climbs higher up it wins the sky over the clouds. A stroll is better with a hint of sunlight after all...’
Leaning on the railing of my balcony, I talked with myself as my mood lifted with better expectations at the serene scene of nature with its relaxed sounds of leaves and birds playing around. The stuffy sighs I had been releasing slowly beca light to my chest as I observed the colours beco more vibrant thanks to the rays. Yet, just as the decision to go outside for a change ca without much thought... also did the impulse to turn around and look above. At a vast sky my eyes could not gaze at for long... going down to look at the great windows the Main Palace owned besides those of my chambers.
’... One of these must lead to kinky’s chambers...’ — I thought while entertained to secretly call him that again... thinking of the ti he jumped from this height with hast yet without doubt. — ’I have never asked where it is... All I know is where his bureau is... his room is probably above mine... sothing tells it is like tha-... oh?’
Never was it planned... Never did it cross my mind... and yet... there was the golden white hair he handsoly cut solely for the sake of a disguise. eting my eye imdiately without a pause.
"..."
Everything stopped for a second. The deepness of his hues trapped for a mont... while he appeared frozen, astonished to be found out. Probably confused to also find myself in the view at such an early ti.
Regardless, my sole reaction was faithful to the delight this chance provided, devoid of the worries I had yesterday, looking up at the handso man whose shirt was as simple as my gown... without concealing the happiness from my deanour as I also lifted my hand to wave a shy greeting to my prince.
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