At lanthina's prompting, John took a more thorough look at his current cultivation. Sothing about this ti was different. John wasn't sure what, but when Fortkran Tenebach had perished- scattering his cultivation- his attuned totem had gone with him. But John wasn't dead, and his totems remained. That could explain why it was difficult for people to feel his cultivation.
It was like the spiritual energy in Astrein- most cultivators would say it lacked density, but in fact it was simply the various elents mixed together felt like almost nothing. So John probably felt like a weak darkness cultivator with little else.
John kept his eyes on lanthina. He didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. "I am uncertain if my cultivation is ruined forever. But my attempt to break through resulted in significant damage."
"We can get you dicines," lanthina said quickly. "The clan has resources to help!"
"I appreciate the thought. But I think I would waste them to use them in my current state. And I have done very little for the clan in recent years for them to spend so much on ."
"But you were clan head for decades!" lanthina protested. "You brought so much prosperity."
"And so much danger," John shrugged. "I nearly squandered it all. I don't know if the clan owes much of anything. You don't, at least. I've been a terrible father."
"No!" lanthina protested. "I an… the last few years, maybe. But before that, you were everything I needed. Even if I didn't always like it."
"A lifeti of good can be easily balanced by a little bad," John shook his head. "But I suppose that family should not keep track of what they owe others. If I think of a way you can help , I will let you know. And if I can do anything for you…" John sighed. "I'll do what I can. Though my power is limited. I think… I already missed the important things." Like her wedding.
"Not… everything," lanthina said. "For now, can you just stay here?"
"Of course," John said. "Though I have other people I need to apologize too."
"They can wait," lanthina said. "Though… Ursel and Tirto should be the first."
"Obviously," John agreed.
-----
Though it was tempting to head off imdiately to see the other triplets, John knew that would ruin what little progress he had made with lanthina. Sure, she was quite accepting of his apology, but if he went and screwed things up again imdiately the fallout would be much worse.
Since he was around, he needed to make sure he at least found Nik. Not that the man was difficult to track down, as the only source of light elent in the whole clan. Though he wasn't necessarily free at any given ti, given how he was assisting lanthina with her duties.
With a little bit of patience, John found an opening where Nik was carrying a few stacks of papers around the clan. "Let help you with that," John said. The young man- though nowhere near as young as he had once been- simply nodded, handing over part of a pile. In truth, it wasn't difficult for any cultivator to carry, even when stack sizes should have beco unwieldy. They walked along in silence for a few minutes before John finally managed to get the words out. "Thank you for taking care of my daughter when I failed her. I owe you more than you can imagine."
"How could I not?" Nik shook his head. "lanthina being who she is, I wouldn't just give up on what we had been through. Besides, a good man entrusted with her once upon a ti."
John sighed. "Wish I could have t soone like that. Maybe I would have kept my head on straight." He didn't have much else to say. "Sorry about these last few years." It was one thing to mourn, and another to allow your mourning to make things more difficult for others who were also facing the sa troubles. He was quite fortunate that he didn't seem to have caused a larger rift with his family that could not be forgiven. Though returning to a state of closeness would take a long ti… and it was possible things would never be quite the sa.
-----
In this world, John had never been terribly close with his own father. Fortkran had simply been too much for the man to handle, and his diocre cultivation ant John hadn't been able to rely on him for advice in that area. To Luctus, Gerben had been a disappointnt, but Fortkran had been even more so.
Luctus had been more than glad to accept John, or basically any replacent. John knew he had more than t expectations for most of his ti. But now, it had been so ti since they had seen each other. Luctus was much like the image of a typical cultivator, generally withdrawn and impersonal. He cared deeply for the clan, but he showed little emotion most of the ti.
The man spent much of his ti cultivating, not that that was abnormal in any way. It simply ant John had to wait for a break to speak to him. At least he didn't have to worry about refusal.
When he sensed the darkness elent settle down, John knocked on Luctus' door. "Co in," ca the aged voice.
The door creaked open. The servants would have been mortified to find out anything in the manor could creak. As it swung, the door revealed the shadowy form of Luctus. So darkness cultivators still preferred light to aid their vision, but Luctus seed to prefer having no light sources available. At least John could still see in the dark, though he couldn't quite pick out all the details of his grandfather.
His form was thin, his skin wrinkled. It was difficult for John to say if it was more or less than he had been at any other point. He had already seed to be at the end of his life when John transmigrated, but who could say if two decades would have brought about his end. His cultivation had since improved to the Consolidated Soul Phase, but depending on specific circumstances that didn't always co with the sa increase in lifespan.
"Hello, grandfather," John inclined his head politely. "How goes your cultivation?"
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"How should I say it…" Luctus tilted his head. "I have advanced further than I ever expected, but I sincerely doubt I will ever reach the late Consolidated Soul Phase. But I have no complaints. And yourself? Why do you seek out?"
"I need your wisdom," John admitted. "I am certain you can tell my cultivation has hit a rough patch. You have the most experience." While he wasn't the one with the highest cultivation- that would be either other mbers of the 'club' or Johannes Dalen- he did have the longest history. Which would also include the most mistakes that he might be able to advise John about.
Thin wisps of darkness sought out John as his grandfather's senses took him in. John didn't hide anything… but nor did he make particular effort to reveal anything. "Perhaps you should explain what happened."
John nodded. "I don't think you will be surprised to learn that I attempted to break through to the Ascending Soul Phase."
"And?"
"I clearly made so mistakes." Even the thought of mobilizing a significant amount of spiritual energy made John feel queasy. "But I survived. My ridians and dantian suffered severe trauma… and yet I seem to have successfully attuned to my fifth totem."
"If that is what you believe," the old man said, "Then I would trust your judgnt is accurate."
"Of course," John said. "But I don't know if I have caused myself irreparable injuries, or if I will recover." John explained the situation- including the situation inside his dantian. "It was so vibrant, once. Now it seems irrecoverable."
Luctus nodded slowly, closing his eyes for a mont. "Such is always the case after a disaster. Unfortunately, I don't think I can provide much advice. Just one thing. I can say for certain if you do not devote ti to recovery after a disaster that it will indeed leave a permanent scar. Putting in the effort may or may not produce fruit, but accepting defeat is always a loss."
John nodded, "Just let ask, do I feel like soone who has ruined his cultivation?"
"Though I am confident I could wipe you out with a sweep of my arm… No, I couldn't say with confidence anything about your current state. It is… like a fog."
"lanthina thought much the sa," John admitted. "I don't like the idea of hogging resources to myself to attempt to force a recovery."
"Then you should not," Luctus declared. "You know as well as I do that resources alone are insufficient to make a powerful cultivator. They are an aid, not ant as a crutch."
John nodded, thinking of his preparations for advancent. Attempting to break through without the resources would have been foolish, but they also weren't enough. "I suppose no matter how things are, I owe it to myself to do my best for recovery. This is my current state, and whether it is better or worse than starting over from a blank slate…" John shrugged. "It is where I am." He still felt uncomfortable any ti he looked deep within his dantian instead of simply circulating his energy. "Thank you for your ti."
As he stood to leave, Luctus called after him. "Do not forget… I still have no regrets about accepting you."
Not exactly a touching and emotional statent, but encouraging nonetheless.
-----
John sat in ditation. Proper ditation, instead of simple exploration like he had perford in lanthina's presence. He had dealt with damaged ridians once before. That ti, they had been like burst pipes. This ti, it was like a fiery explosion wracked him from the inside. He was burned and scorched, inside and out.
He took things very slowly, passing a small strand of the abundant darkness energy through his ridians. As he slowly nudged it along, bits and pieces of it were absorbed into his ridians, soothing them. He should have focused on this sooner, but he'd been completely drained of spiritual energy… and he still felt that trying to apologize was more important in so ways. Though so was staying alive and healthy to actually do sothing to make up for the last few years.
There was a clear limit to how much spiritual energy his ridians would absorb. Trying to force more would simply cause more damage, even if he was only circulating a tiny fraction of what he would normally cultivate with. Once he circulated a strand of spiritual energy through every path of his ridians in the prescribed manner, it settled in his dantian.
He had gone with a pure elent, and the one with which he was most experienced, to minimize the chances of screwing up. He felt like any sudden movents could tear him apart. But while his spiritual energy had slightly helped, he still felt the dull pain. Perhaps so water elent would help? Though his ridians seed saturated with spiritual energy already. Then again, it wouldn't hurt to try as long as he didn't force anything.
Slowly he gathered a small strand of water elent from the surroundings. There was always at least a small amount of any elent, especially those allied with the dominant one in an area. It was even easier than separating it from the mix of elents in Astrein. A small strand of water flowing through his cracked ridians. He thought they would absorb nothing, or at least very little, but instead it drank the water elent like it had previously not been filled with darkness.
Bit by bit, John gathered more strands of spiritual energy, guiding them through his ridians until they were devoured. Eventually, he reached the end of the path, adding the water elent to the vague pool of spiritual energy within him. He was reluctant to draw any energy directly from his dantian, given the damage and how empty it felt.
He had a serious choice to make next. He could move to the other allied elent- earth. Or he could continue a cycle, going from water to air or fire. Though fire was instantly rejected by him, given that it was the cause of the damage to begin with.
He chose air, though he was cautious with it. A cool breeze through his ridians, which happily absorbed small amounts of it. A laborious few hours later, and he moved onto earth. Each elent seed to fit alongside all the others. He wasn't particularly surprised, but still pleased. John couldn't help but reminisce about first coming to this world, and how much more he knew. How different he was, even. All of the mories he'd made for himself, not just the ones Fortkran had.
Though so of the new mories were painful. Distracting himself with this cultivation was quite useful, even after it had been years.
The only elent he had left to try was fire and light. Light was the one thing that would be most lacking… and he didn't have a totem. But John was aware he had attuned to a fire elent totem. He could feel the Ethereal Flas deep inside him. He was simply uncertain whether or not the connection was flawed. But he had to find out eventually. If using fire elent in the future would cause him endless trouble, it would be good to know now.
But he didn't find it particularly more difficult than anything else. Which was actually better than he had expected. It seed his connection was good enough for small strands of fire elent, at least. He remained cautious as he circulated energy through his ridians, but they even absorbed the fire elent without pain. It was like a warm cozy fire.
John breathed a sigh of relief. He had spent most of his day performing a task he should have honestly been able to accomplish in half an hour, if he was healthy. Much less, if the goal was rely to gather spiritual energy into his dantian. But in his current state, he found it more than acceptable.
There was so question of what his cultivation would be like if his ridians and dantian recovered. He still had his totems, but he might still need to work his way up through the Phases of cultivation. He might still run into sothing worse, but for the mont he no longer believed his cultivation was forever ruined. And if he took another twenty-eight years to return to where he was? He could only consider himself lucky to have the chance.
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