"Ready..."
The referee raised his pistol as I began to prepare myself. As usual, I raised my hips and positioned my feet while taking a deep breath.
"Set..."
The starting line was right in front of . I’ve seen this view hundreds of tis, haven’t I? But for so reason, today feels different.
"Go!"
The sound of the gunshot echoed, and I dashed off.
The wind hit my face. My legs moved automatically. My eyes looked straight ahead, but behind it all, my mind wandered.
Why do I like running? I started this hobby when I entered middle school. But, what was the reason?
The fresh air from the recently rained-on ground entered my lungs through my nose. The afternoon sun was blinding.
Did I join the club because there were a lot of friendly seniors? Because I started to make friends who shared the sa passion? It feels like even my own mories are fading.
Maybe that was my reason back then. But as ti passed... rather than saying I liked running, it's more accurate to say I beca dependent on it.
Because in truth, I don’t run to reach the finish line, but to escape the starting point. Running was just a way for to run away.
Away from Ren. Away from my stupidity. Away from myself.
My legs lost their strength halfway through the track. My speed slowed and my rhythm shattered. Every step felt heavy, like a machine finally running out of oil.
The words he said yesterday still echoed in my head.
“Sorry, Yona. I understand your intentions are good, but I can't accept it. From the beginning, I never blad you.”
Since then, I kept questioning myself. I’m just a curse. A manufacturing defect from God, who wasn’t even given a chance to redeem herself.
Then do I even deserve a place in this world?
I once swore to protect him.
Now, when thinking about it, wasn’t that just childish nonsense with no real weight? Besides, why should I protect him if he never needed from the start?
A best friend? He already has one. A female friend? He already has a junior who dared to invite him ho. A girlfriend? Haha.
At so point, my feet stopped in the middle of the track without realizing it. The cheering from behind slowly began to fade.
But I had no intention of continuing my run. Because regardless, the tournant was over.
"What? I won!?"
That dumb delinquent's face, the one I always looked down on, looked so happy when she crossed the finish line.
I bowed my head, finishing the tournant half-heartedly. I didn’t win. Not even second or third place. I don’t even know what position I ended up in. But, one thing’s certain: it wasn’t a place to be proud of.
I didn’t feel tired at all, yet sweat poured down my face. My teammates from the club imdiately approached .
"Yona, are you okay!? Are you feeling unwell today?"
"Why didn’t you say anything to us? Don’t push yourself!"
"Here, drink so water!"
Even though I shattered their expectations, their kindness didn’t change. I opened my mouth, but not a single thank you or even an apology ca out.
I distanced myself from Ren because I thought it was the best for him, and it really was. But, it wasn’t the best for .
Now, I’ve even lost in the sport I was so proud of.
Do I still have any reason to be here?
All I did was walk past them, with trembling legs, trying to hide how red my eyes were.
Maybe it's true... it’s better if I just die—
"DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW CRINGE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW!? I’M DISGUSTED BY YOUR DRAMATIC NONSENSE, YONA!"
My eyes widened.
My body was hanging, with both of his hands grabbing my legs like a last thread.
It was the first ti I’d seen him so full of anger.
"What do you an by disappearing from my life!? Go ahead and die if you want, but don’t drag into it, you idiot!"
"... I-I didn’t an it like that. I just wanted to go quietly, but you—"
"Shut up!"
His body was lying on top of the cliff. His arms were scraped all over. His mouth full of dirt, and yet he still managed to yell.
Ah... right. I made him suffer again.
"Let go of , Ren. You know I’ll only bring more misfortune if I stay near you, right?"
"Stop it, seriously. I’m at my limit. Or do you really want to let go now?"
"Yes."
Unlike when I was in elentary school, I’ve gained weight. Even if his strength has improved too, it’s still impossible for him to hold .
So instead of adding to the pain you’re already in, please let go of .
He didn’t.
Like flipping off logic itself, his grip grew even stronger, and slowly, he finally managed to pull up from the cliff.
I heard his breathing was so heavy. Sitting myself up, I looked at him. Covered in wounds, dirt, and exhaustion.
His right hand groped around the ground to grab a soda bottle and took a sip. The sound of him gulping echoed with my heartbeat.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t get much more than that, as his hand suddenly trembled and dropped the bottle.
I picked it up for him while muttering.
"... Liar."
"Hah?"
"I ... I don’t have a place in this world anymore. Why did you pull back?"
Ren didn’t answer. He just stared at with dead-fish eyes for a few seconds before scratching his head wildly.
"Ugh! I’m so done with this, Yona! If you’re gonna be this dramatic, why not join the Opera Club instead!?"
"Sorry."
The black-haired guy looked even more frustrated. His hands hovered between pulling his hair out or lunging at my throat.
Taking a deep breath, he closed and opened his eyes. The rage on his face vanished like magic.
His knees were bleeding, he limped while standing, dan his sandals were gone. But, he still offered his hand.
"... Let's find another place first. It’s dangerous here."
---
The sun was setting. The air turned a bit colder. Since Ren was still in pain, we stayed near the mountain. More precisely, we sat on the stairs at the entrance path.
He opened one of the snacks he brought.
"Want so?"
I shook my head.
"Alright then."
The crunch of his chips followed his words.
I simply waited for him to finish. And after he swallowed, his voice returned.
"Yona, you know I’ve been into gas lately, right?"
My silence was enough of an answer for him to continue.
"The ones I often play are online gas. Competitive ones. But because I got tired of gas that are co-op but still feel solo, I looked for a partner to play with."
"Yuri?"
"No. Soone else I t online. Wait, since when did you know her na?"
Since I asked her directly.
"... Well, that’s not important now. So then, I found this co-op partner I was looking for. They were amazing and in every match, they got MVP. While ? Forget kills, I barely even got assists."
He drank the last bit of his soda and burped.
"Obviously, since they always carried , I felt guilty. So I stopped playing with them and said I couldn’t keep up with their playstyle. But... can you guess how they responded?"
"They didn’t mind?"
"Exactly. They didn’t mind at all how I played. In fact, surprisingly, they enjoyed playing with ."
"... Why?"
"'Cause it’s just a ga, they said."
Seeing his face from the corner of my eye, a faint smile appeared there, as if recalling a fond mory. Realizing I was staring, he turned to , making avert my gaze.
No matter how dirty his face was, or how ssy his hair looked, he... still looked handso. For a mont, I questioned my desire to die again. Was I really sure I wanted to leave this world? A world where my first love existed?
His voice returned, slightly hesitant.
"So... what I’m trying to say is, maybe your situation right now is like mine back then. You just feel guilty being a burden."
"... That’s different. A ga is a ga, and real life is real life. My mistake isn’t as trivial as being dead weight in a virtual match."
"Sa thing."
"It’s not."
"Just listen. I said it’s the sa because if your mistake truly ruined my life blah blah and all that, then shouldn’t I have left you yesterday?"
Maybe for anyone else, that would be true. But you're an exception, Ren.
"You’re kind."
"Even the kindest people wouldn’t want to get close to soone who hurt them."
"You’re better than those kinds of people."
"... Bastard. You’re doing this on purpose, huh? We’re going in circles."
A vein popped on his forehead. His hand clenched, seemingly ready to punch . For so reason, I couldn’t help but smile a little.
After a week of not talking to him properly... this reminded just how fun it is being with him.
... No. I can’t lower my guard. I’m... no longer soone who deserves to be by his side.
"In the end, it’s up to to decide what’s right or wrong, not anyone else. If soone just hurt , there’s no way I’d want to get close to them again. Got it?"
"..."
"So what I’m trying to say is, I don’t care. You said you almost cost both our lives when we were kids? That’s a good mory. You damaged my womb? I still have a chance to recover now."
Ren crossed his arms.
"But honestly... as long as my banana still works, I never really cared about having kids in the first place."
I blinked. Today, not only did he vent his anger with foul language, he also dared to bring up sothing vulgar.
... Seems like there are still many sides of him I haven’t seen yet.
"You sure about that?"
"One hundred percent. Also, I think I’ve told you this dozens of tis before. You never listened, did you? I really don’t care."
I lowered my head, staring again at the concrete steps below my feet, which had lost their shoes.
"Can... my sins be forgiven?"
"I’m not God, but if you an being forgiven by , then you haven’t committed any sins."
"But I—"
Ren didn’t let finish. Before I knew it, he stuffed a handful of chips into my mouth.
I stared back at him, and he sighed.
"Mwngahwmw?"
"Sorry, I had a feeling you were gonna start going in circles again. So before you swallow, let say this."
His eyes looked straight at .
"I don’t want you to die."
"..."
Lowering my head, I raised my arm to cover my face. The saltiness of the chips beca stronger on my tongue. Though I wasn’t sure if that was from the chips themselves or from the salt mixed in with my tears.
Ren didn’t laugh at , or mock . He said earlier that I’ve changed, right? Doesn’t that apply to him too? Why does he feel so much more reliable now?
I feel more like a boy when I’m near him.
Trying to chew the chips Ren gave , my mouth couldn’t hold it in, and I ended up spitting so of it out.
A sob escaped.
I’ve waited so long to hear those words. I didn’t need forgiveness. I didn’t need sweet words, or his scolding. What I needed was simply, to be needed by him.
"You can scream if you want."
"AaRgAAaHHh—!"
---
Morning.
However, its not a usual morning. Today was more lively. I woke up earlier, but not to train. I changed into my school uniform, but not because I was being diligent. I didn’t buy breakfast, but not because my parents had prepared it.
Instead, I had already eaten breakfast at Ren’s house.
"Hee~ So the reason Ren went out yesterday was because he was with you, huh?"
Asked by his father, I nodded while scratching the back of my neck.
"Yeah. Though, sorry for keeping him out so long..."
"Hoho. I can sll the scent of deepening romance here. Can you tell more details, Yona? Ah, no need to be formal with us. You can consider your mom too."
His mom chid in, making feel a bit hot at her last comnt.
"No... We’re not that close yet..."
Then, in the middle of this happy family conversation, the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs could be heard.
I didn’t miss a second, and turned.
ssy bed hair, sleepy eyes, and slightly unbuttoned pajamas.
Ah... Ren. You look so cute today.
"Good morning... Why is it so noisy—Huh? Yona?"
"Good morning too, Ren."
I gave him a wide smile.
Now, I’ve realized everything, thanks to Ren for helping .
Ren’s misfortunes weren’t caused by being near him, nor because I’m a curse. God had nothing to do with this at all.
In fact, the problem was that I wasn’t near him enough.
From the start, why did he get hit by ? Right, because I wasn’t by his side. If he had been with , I would never have run into him.
From the start, why did I beco so impulsive and kiss him that night? Right, because I wasn’t by his side enough. If I had always been with him, my urges wouldn’t have exploded.
So? The solution is simple.
I’ll stay by your side forever, Ren.
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