The wound was nothing. It was really nothing. He didnt even feel the slightest bit of pain. What really hurt was the sight of Van, crouched down, clutching his head, beating himself up. He wanted Van to know how much he cared.
Van.
He forced himself to stand up, his body stiff with effort. His back gave out, and a little bit of pain rushed through him, but he didnt let it show.
Vans trembling beca more pronounced as he staggered forward. He muttered sothing like a madman, then let out a guttural groan. It was more like a sob. Cadel collapsed to his knees in front of him.
Van, look at .
He reached out and squeezed his blood-soaked arm. But Van shook it off roughly as if he found the touch intolerably disgusting. The eyes that held Cadels were bright red. The swirl of aura swelled and shrank.
Stay away.
Van.
Why are you here? Why.
Halfway through his sentence, Van rolled his eyes and put his head in his hands. A terrible headache seed to be plaguing him. No, perhaps it was Cadels very presence that was the cause of his pain.
Please Please disappear from my sight. Never show up again.
.
Stop ssing with .
Perhaps Cadel shouldnt have co to him after all, he should have honored his wishes and stayed out of his sight forever. Regret washed over him as he saw Van in pain, but there was no turning back.
Vans condition was serious. The only thing holding Van up was a slender thread of reason, and even that would not last much longer.
If left to his own devices, he might be attacked by a powerful monster, or he might accidentally kill soone. If that happened, he would beco a subjugation target. Cadel couldnt let that happen. To have such a horrible end as a reward for following him, he could not allow it.
Ill go when you co to your senses. Take away your aura, Van.
His consciousness had to be kept intact. The rampage was already well underway. It was impossible to stop the rampage with a physical shock as before. The only way to stop it was to help Van wake up on his own.
Cadel ignored Vans struggles, which resisted his touch like a seizure. He clung desperately to Vans shoulder as he flailed about.
You shouldnt be ruined because of soone like . Your life is too precious for that.
Shut up.
Even Cadel Lytos wouldnt want to see this.
Shut up, shut up!
Vans breathing beca ragged. His teeth were bared like an animals, and his bloodshot eyes glared murderously. This was a completely different Van than the one hed seen before. Vans face was filled with hostility and anger, and it was all directed at Cadel. He grieved terribly, but he held it together.
Not for , for Cadel Lytos. Live for the one you love. Im begging you.
It felt ugly, wielding the very soul hed devoured as a weapon, but there was nothing he could do about it. Van loved Cadel Lytos, and he hoped that cowardly invoking his will would give him the strength to live.
But it seed to be the wrong way.
I dont understand how you can say that.
In an instant, his vision flipped. The back of his head throbbed as he was slamd to the ground with a hard thud. Van clenched his teeth, ready to snap Cadels neck. An expanding aura blurred around him.
You killed him. You took him from . You destroyed my love, my loyalty, everything.
Cough.
How do you expect to live when youve ruined everything? Mock , I dont need your hypocrisy, just be more disgusting so I can die resenting you to my hearts content.
A white-knuckled fingertip scraped across Vans forearm. His red face contorted painfully from lack of oxygen, and he gasped like a man about to pass out, but Van didnt have the luxury of realizing it.
Van was consud by a rising anger. His vision went black once more. The emotions that had been building up twisted into resentnt and hatred, and then murderous intent. But not before his vision flickered completely.
Keugh Huff.
Hot flas scorched Vans arm. The stranglehold on Cadels throat loosened as the searing heat traveled through Vans skin.
Cadels sharp breathing rang in his ears intermittently. All Van could feel was the pain of his burned right arm and the cracked cries of Cadel beneath him.
I never wanted you to be broken! You want to laugh at you? How? How can I laugh at you? You were the first person I ever loved in this f*cking world. I, I never once wanted you to be hurt.
He could feel Cadel trembling. He could hear the ragged breathing and feel the warmth of his body against his injured arm.
Bla all you want, if thats what you want to live off of Yeah, Ill do even more disgusting things to you. But Im not going to watch you die in resentnt, because as you said, Ive broken all your love and loyalty. Isnt that enough? Youre asking to take your life? Hey, Van. Thats not fair. Asking to kill you is really not fair.
Youve already killed . Or are you asking to live in a body, a puppet with a dead soul like yours?
.
Youll go to any lengths to mock . You want to see how ridiculous I can be in front of you.
Suddenly, a rush of emotions washed over Van. Despair, bordering on sadness, mingled with resentnt, beca anger, and was drenched in misery.
If you knew this would happen, you should have abandoned from the beginning. From the day you took that body, you should have made hate you. If you didnt do it then do it now.
.
Do it.
His dry, bloodshot eyes glared at Cadel as if to kill him. Cadel stared back, pitifully, at the bitter hostility, and then let out a muffled laugh.
Yeah. Ill try. Theres sothing Ive been aning to say for a while. When you hear this, youre gonna think Wow, that crazy *sshole. I cant believe I suffered for that *sshole. Now, I shouldnt have anything to do with a crazy *sshole like that. Its so ridiculous, you wont even feel like dying.
.
I didnt say it then, so Ill say it now.
A warmth crawled up his arm and brushed his cheek. The touch was painfully familiar. He turned his head in defiance, and a low, watery voice laughed.
Through his blurred vision, Cadels outline ca into focus once more: the expression on his face, the look in his eyes. Slowly but surely, it ca back.
Cant you start over with ?
He was smiling.
Not with Cadel Lytos, but with . Lets start over with . Ill be good to you. Ill try to die for you. Ill live for your happiness. I swear to you.
He was also crying. But they were not tears of joy.
I really, really like you a lot.
In front of his vision that had returned to its original state, Van didnt know how to react.
So give a chance, too.
He was begging. At the sa ti, he was resigned, as if he had let go of everything, and yet sothing was stubbornly holding on to him, refusing to let go. Maybe it was the irritation of his indecisive behavior, maybe it was the sickening sll of blood on Cadel. He was angry. Angry for reasons he couldnt quite put his finger on.
You.
He muttered through clenched teeth and t Cadels eyes. He stared unmoving at the tear-filled, glassy eyes, and then lowered his head, following the broken line of reason.
Van swallowed a surprised gasp. He chewed hard on the others lips, moistened with what he couldnt tell was tears or blood. He hoped it hurt. With a shudder, Van gripped Cadels back, fisted his hair, and jerked his head.
Ignoring his groan of pain, Van slipped his tongue between his parted lips. It skimd across the stiff, dry roof of Cadels mouth, lifting a stiff tongue to press against the root. He let the saliva flow without care. He ravaged without care as if reveling in the panic.
He didnt want to communicate with Cadel. He didnt want to share his feelings. This was just a one-sided expression of anger, and he hoped it would hurt Cadel.
Funnily enough, though, Vans simring rage was crushed by the gentle touch of a hand on his back.
Huff.
Cadel clung to him, so Van held him firmly. Cadels lips hurt whenever Van pressed them together, so Van gently caressed the bruised epidermis. When Cadel struggled to breathe, Van parted his lips to give him room, and instead of pulling Cadels hair, Van gently stroked his earlobes and chin.
The tangled warmth, the sweet breaths, the damp tears, the desperate clinging. All of it, combined with his heated confession, beca a cowardly lust he couldnt shake.
He knew it wasnt Cadel Lytos he was kissing, he knew it better than anyone, and he had no choice but to admit it.
Van.
When he pulled his lips away, Vans eyes t his, anxious. He was afraid Van would leave him like this. His sunken eyes trembled slightly as if the re thought of that future made him sad.
Cadel forced himself up to kiss Van again, but Van crushed his shoulder. He spoke into that wistful face, fresh tears filling his eyes.
Tell you need .
Cadels lips twitched briefly, then he gave the answer Van was hoping for.
I need you, Van.
And in the end, it was this. This was what kept him alive until he turned into a monster.
That man mocked him. That man neglected his true feelings, and ultimately betrayed them. And yet, to feel such a surge of love, perhaps that was the proof of love.
This dazzling, desperate emotion was precious, and it was also exhausting. Van settled down on top of Cadel with a bitter laugh.
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