Chapter Forty- One
"They said you left your car unparked and rushed in here because your father told you to marry Markus. The young man is from the family that ruined yours right? Don't shut out. I want to help," her body began to relax a little bit. She could barely deal with her earlier crisis; she didn't need any more issues creeping out.
Was it not two nights ago she had t Markus in her father's office and her father made that comnt? How then did they relate her behavior today to it?
She didn't care. She just wanted this feeling to stop. It wasn't just the guilt and sha. It was also the feeling of needing him.
Aside from killing people, what else could she do to feel better? Who else could she be to feel better?
Lisa. The na whispered in her ears as if her guardian Angel was standing right behind her.
She was also Lisa. She had taken a break after she bled on stage. Unlike other days she felt like Lisa was all a coverup, today, she needed to stand on that stage again. Maybe she would feel better again. Maybe hearing fans chant her na and scream how much they love her would make her feel worthy.
Asli wasn't used to dealing with her emotions. She just bottled them up till they beca a part of her. However, no matter how she thought of it this morning, she couldn't understand why and how she got entangled with Aht. She should have killed him when he started blackmailing her. She should have silenced him. She should have burned his whole family down like she was ant to. There were so many should haves.
'Please.' there it was again. She was fighting too hard not to rember but it was almost impossible. She wasn't going to forget how she clung to him for help. She had begged him. She had pleaded him to touch her.
It was almost impossible to breathe. She had to get away from being Asli even if it were for just one day. Lisa did not know who Aht was. She didn't have anyone to kill. She did not have a secret to keep. She didn't know what revenge was. She didn't know what hatred was.
Lisa didn't know what pain was. She was an Innocent face on stage. She was loved by many. Nobody judged her even when she didn't dance. Nobody booed her when she missed a key. Lisa would have smiled the next day after what Ahemt and her did.
But she was not Lisa. She wished she were just her.
She managed to drag herself from the shower and cleaned herself with the towel. She saw the red stains on the towel before realizing what she had done to her skin.
And as she continued to gaze at the red stains on the towel, a twisted sense of satisfaction crept over her. She felt a morbid sense of relief as if the physical pain she had inflicted on herself was a just punishnt for her letting Aht touch her and for enjoying it.
She looked down at her skin, and a faint smile played on her lips. The scratches and cuts seed to validate her self-loathing, to prove that she was indeed unworthy of forgiveness.
It was as if she was observing herself from outside her body, watching with a mixture of fascination and horror as she succumbed to her own self-destructive tendencies.
She slowly ca back to herself, the numbness wearing off as she gazed blankly at her reflection in the mirror. The scratches and cuts on her skin seed to stare back at her.
With a quiet sense of resignation, she continued to clean herself up. She gently washed the cuts and scratches, wincing as the soap stung her raw skin. She didn't feel the sting at first till she saw them.
She didn't even bother to apply any ointnt or cover the worst of the cuts with bandages.
She wrapped herself in a clean towel and stepped out of the washroom, her eyes scanning the room with a sense of detachnt.
She rembered she had left her phone in the back of her trousers that lay on the bathroom floor. She went for it and dialed her manager's number.
Mrs. Ferry picked it up imdiately. She called her na, almost not believing she had called.
"I want to be on stage." She murmured slowly.
The older woman on the other side of the phone cleared her throat before speaking. "Let see what I can do. I will tell you your schedule..."
Oh no, she didn't have that ti. She wanted that now. "Post that I'm doing a free concert. Find a park, any park, I don't care where. Find one and send the location."
Her fans would pay whatever it was to see her. Imagine it being free. She needed sothing to make her feel better and she was going to use them for that. The least she could do was make it free for them. That was so sort of paynt...
'Paynt... like the notes you left him.' there the voice went again.
"That will be great!" Mrs. Ferry shouted over the phone, saving her from yet another episode. "But first tell why you want us to do a free concert. Where have you been? It's been a month and..."
Asli hung up before the woman could get her answers or even finish her statent. She was exhausted and already thankful that her nanny hadn't clung to her door, hoping she opened it.
Ruth knew when to stop, unlike Mrs. Ferry. And for that matter, she wished she could talk to her... again. But she didn't think she was capable of letting anyone know what she had done. She even refused to believe it wasn't her fault. And to think she obediently went back to bed when he ordered her to.
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