Theseus Shaken

I sent off a ssage to Dr. Yates, a simple non-committal greeting, as I walked next to Joel. I leaned into him lightly, my eyes closed as I let him navigate through the less than busy halls of the Venus colony while I attempted to start a conversation with my therapist. It probably looked a lot more intimate than it was when I think about it, like a couple walking side by side in comfort with one another, one tiredly hanging off the shoulder of the other, but absurdly more dangerous than that.

It surprised when a reply ca quickly, only a few monts passing from my greeting to the ping. I guess he wasn’t too busy after all. ‘Hello ryll. Should I expect you in my office soon?’ his ssage asked. I guess rumors don't travel as fast as Fuller assud.

I let out a quiet sigh as I drafted my response, starting and then erasing the excuses several tis before I scoffed at myself. I was too tired for this. I settled for just telling him the truth directly. ‘I was just attacked by a neurologist. He tried to drug .’

His reaction wasn’t as quick to arrive this ti. It gave a mont to reflect on if it was appropriate to be so terse about it, but I felt like being terse, dammit. I figured he was trying to compose sothing aningful after I dumped that on him, but I guess he was just trying not to step on a landmine. ‘Oh god. Are you alright?’

‘No, I'm kinda freaking the fuck out right now. I'm going back to the ship. Sorry, I don't think I'm making it today.’ I wondered if that was an accurate assessnt of my mood. I didn't feel like I was acting how a scared person should be acting. Should I have been crying right then? Hyperventilating and clinging desperately to the strong asshole with a gun? I an, sure I was doing my best to make sure I stayed in direct physical contact with him, and if he broke away, then I absolutely would freak out and look around for that fucking doctor to make sure he wasn't following. I locked my muscles as if readying to sprint away from an imaginary threat- okay, I was freaking the fuck out.

‘I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I understand completely if you need ti to yourself.’ His ssage started, and it surprised I was relieved by that. Why did I feel like I needed this guy's approval? I didn't need any of these doctors' permission to feel anything. I was my own person dammit. I took in a breath, trying to cool the seething indignity Godin had imprinted on . ‘Let know if there's anything I can do to help.’

‘Thanks.’ Was all I sent. I opened my eyes and saw that Joel had led right back to the hangar doors. Right where I needed to go. “Thanks.” I repeated out loud, quietly, as I eased up on Joel's side a little. I didn't want him to leave while we were still out in public, though. I still didn't feel safe.

Right. Joel. That whole debacle. I'd decided before we started walking that it was sothing I needed to address with him, but I hadn't spent the walk thinking of what I wanted to say like I'd told myself I would. We were too close to the ship to start carefully formulating sothing now, so I just blurted out a first draft on the spot.

“Hey Joel, about the other day… I was… I an, I was really freaking out about all that shit I just learned about myself. And you were there, it wasn't… it wasn't sothing light or simple for to accept. I have a lot of stuff hanging over now and I just…” I bit my lip. This isn't where I wanted this to go. I let out a long drawn-out sigh “I just needed to get out of there and cry and feel shitty about it for a little bit, and you were right there when I was feeling so angry, and I… I don't even really fully understand what I said that was such a big deal, but I obviously said sothing I shouldn't have, and I feel like an asshole now cause you're not a bad person and I didn't an to set you off. I just… I was so fucking shaken right then, and you got in the crossfire. I know you were trying to help, and-”

“Apology accepted, ryll.” Joel interrupted my rambling in an even tone of voice that felt like he was neither dismissing nor mocking . He just wanted to put it past us, and I agreed on that, nodding in response as we walked past the rookie colony guardsn again and into the hangar, this ti noting the flaws in their discipline that Joel had highlighted on our way through earlier to feel better about their presence. No matter what, though, they were still people with guns. At least they didn't have knockout gas.

Simultaneously seeing Theseus and seeing myself in the outer sensor array of Theseus imdiately gave a sharp sense of relief. I was ho. I was safe. But I needed more than that. I needed another layer of safety. I needed to feel whole.

“Thanks for watching over today.” I nodded to Joel as I stepped quickly into the cargo bay door.

“It's my job.” He shrugged, following soon after, though he didn't have the sa enthusiasm. He wasn't about to lose himself in a core module.

—

The day passed slowly, despite the void. I stared into that sensory emptiness and certainly felt the relief I was looking for, but I couldn't get Dr. Godin out of my head. Though my eyes and logical mind could rest there, it was a playground for my imagination, and I felt like Dr. Godin was probably about to beco a frequent visitor to this place.

This mission felt like it was becoming dangerous, despite being in civilized space. I had to wonder if he really did just plan on taking new readings of my brain while I slept.

No, what the fuck, ryll, that wasn't what mattered. He dehumanized . He treated like an object. He tried to remove my choice because I was just a thing to him. There was no misunderstanding on my part here, he's an asshole. He is evil.

I briefly debated ssaging him. Taunting him. Yelling indignantly into his inbox. Trying to make him feel one iota of sha for what he tried to do. I had grabbed his details when I sent him those files, and that ant he had my address too. It was surprising to see he hadn't already tried to do the reverse to . He seed angry enough when we left that he could have written a scathing email about how little I mattered compared to him and his work or sothing, but he sent nothing either.

After so ti agonizing quietly in my void over it, I decided it wasn't worth the feeling of distress having this hang over , and I blocked his contact entirely. If he was planning on creeping out anymore, he at least couldn't have it in virtual space. That was my domain, not his. Screw that asshole. I would not let him have power over .

Taking in a deep, thick breath of fluid lubricant, I closed my eyes and focused back on pseudo-physical matters.

I was glad to note that I could see the cargo bay now. Mouse had fixed my sensor array, and I finally felt like I could properly observe the ship as a whole again. I silently watched him put together pieces of steel into new pieces of the fra for the ship for a little while.

At a certain point, I guess it stopped feeling weird that I was a voyeur to the entire crew without their awareness or consent. I think they understood it was implied by now. Shutting down my sensors for frivolous reasons was neither pleasant nor responsible, and though I'd learned to direct my attention better than when I started, I still took in all the sensory data across the ship at all tis, so it wasn't like I could really help it. Joel and Aisling almost always shut off my sensors in their rooms at night, but that was understandable enough and didn't majorly impact my contiguous picture of the ship at large since it was such a small centralized space.

Mouse looked distressed when I focused in on him. I wondered what was going through his head. I looked to the script for activating the intercom near him, wondering if I should insert myself into the situation, but ultimately, I decided I had enough of my own trauma on my plate for today. He would have to carry his own burdens for now.

Instead, I floated up to the helm and watched Aisling work. She had a system map up on her screen and was running several calculations and populating a supply list. An escape route. A plan that would no doubt need to be as carefully maneuvered as her slow conversation with Skygraves on the matter of my personhood. Right, there was that whole fucker too. I had no doubt that Skygraves and Godin got along swimmingly.

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I pinged her terminal to make her aware of my presence and then spoke softly through the intercom to avoid making her jump again. “Hey Captain. How's it going?”

“We have an asshole we're trapped with getting impatient with way faster than I hoped he would. I've only been able to gather up supplies to keep Ray dicated for half the trip I have planned from here. I don't know if we'll have enough rations either. I'm probably going to have to organize a heist while things go down here, which ans burning bridges we just started building.” Aisling turned around to look up at my sensors. “So yeah, things are going alright. You?”

I an, if we were just being that real with each other in that mont, I suppose I had little reason to lie about what happened. There was only really one brutally succinct sentence to put how I felt; that I had to admit the reality of, eventually. “I think I might have almost been raped.” I wish I could have gotten my artificial voice to say that in a much less casual tone than it ca out in, but I didn't have a voice library prepped for ‘abject depression’.

Her movent halted imdiately, as if everything else had had to stop for her to parse what she just heard. Her eyes had gone wide in sothing I couldn't identify between shock, fear, and intriguingly, rage. “I'm sorry, WHAT?” Aisling growled with a fury I hadn't seen her display yet. It imdiately pissed her off on my behalf before she'd even heard my story. I spoke rapidly, venting a torrent of righteous indignation at the captain, who listened diligently, a seething fury building as I spoke.

“I an, I don't know if that was his intention, but Dr. Godin gave these really creepy vibes the whole ti I was with him, and then he tried to shove one of those anesthetic gas mask things over my face. If Joel hadn't been there… then I don't know, I might have been stowed away sowhere or killed or… I don't even know.” It felt unreal hearing the possible implications of his actions verbalized. I had really been that close to losing everything.

“Fuck…” Aisling muttered. I could see the tension in her body as she considered what I just said. I could see the skin of her knuckles pale and twitch over her tightened fists, barely containing an explosive emotional response. “Did Joel shoot him?”

“No, he-”

“Fucking should have!” Aisling slamd her fist on the desk next to her. There it was. She couldn't stay stoic and diplomatic forever against this. I couldn't bla her, and I was frankly relieved to see her showing that side of herself for . There was a ping from her console and she glanced back to the communication screen as if she was about to kick its ass sohow. She wheeled back around to her terminal and pulled up her communication with Skygraves “Fuck no, fuck this negotiation bullshit, we're talking about this, you fucker.” She grumbled as I watched her angrily typing to Skygraves. I had never seen Aisling as impassioned as this before. If I didn't still feel emotionally numb about my encounter that day, I'd probably have found it attractive. “Did he touch you?”

“I an, yeah, under the pretense of gathering data.” Wait, fuck, why was I downplaying this? “And then the whole wrestling with him to push him off thing.”

Aisling had already typed up a diatribe aid at Skygraves by now. ‘You motherfucker, you can't even control your scientists. We had a deal with them and this is how you treat us? ryll just ca back to tell Dr. Godin assaulted her. How the fuck am I supposed to trust you can take care of her after this, huh?’

Out of curiosity, I scrolled up through her logs to read the conversation I had missed. There was so negotiation over price, and WOW was he desperate to purchase at a premium. I don't think I've seen that many zeroes before. It was a good thing for money didn’t motivate Aisling. The haggling reached a point where stalling wouldn't have been a good tactic there anymore and they settled on a price.

But then Aisling had discussed the particulars of my treatnt under his control. She let him know directly that she had hangups about this trade because she considered to be my own autonomous person, but for the amount he offered her, she couldn't afford to refuse. She negotiated for my citizenship on his colony and for arrangents to be made for to live there comfortably. Skygraves made reasonable promises, all no doubt empty, and unfortunately didn't try to reneg on the price, which would have made things last that much longer.

I could tell Aisling had been running out of excuses because she was circling back on her conversation. I was a little disgusted to say that being assaulted had been exactly what Aisling needed to continue her stall tactics.

Except, I don't think she saw it that way. This wasn't about the negotiation anymore in that mont, this was the fury of a charismatic woman scorned on my behalf, lashing out at the one person who had the most power to make things right in this situation.

We both watched as the typing notification showed up at the bottom of the ssage chain. Then disappeared, then reappeared and disappeared again, like soone totally blindsided by their colleague's abhorrent actions that they flapped their mouth open and closed trying to find anything tolerable to continue the dialog with. This ti it didn't start up again, though.

Aisling grumbled to herself, folding her arms and leaning back in her seat to smolder over the doubtless insufferable tirade to co. “If you say sothing stupid now, you old bastard, I will shoot you myself.”

“Thanks, Captain.” I took in a deep breath, feeling like I was about to cry. I hadn't really fully emotionally processed what had happened earlier, and seeing Aisling beco emotional had finally opened the floodgates. I felt safe letting myself feel vulnerable when I had such a powerful woman looking out for . I decided to just keep talking about it. Let it all out.

“The whole ti I was there, he kept treating like I was just a machine. Like I had no say in what he wanted to do with . He even tried to tell Joel that I was just a ship core after he accused him of assaulting .” I was kind of glad for my synthesized voice, because there was no way that I could have continued this conversation in the flesh. It felt weird, sobbing and bawling, curled up in a ball in the core module while an approximation of my voice expressed my violated thoughts.

I scolded myself a little for that. I thought I was stronger than that. I'd held myself together until then, but putting it all into perspective made realize what kinds of terrible fates could have happened to if things had gone a little different, and that hit hard. I was allowed to feel, dammit. I was allowed to show a little weakness because I was a human fucking being.

“Don't worry, ryll. I'll make sure this bastard sees justice. I'll cut his arms off myself if it ans he can't touch you again. Then I'll shove the barrel of my gun down his throat so he can't say sothing that stupid ever again.” Aisling promised. I believed her. Hell, I'd probably take her up on that. Had I always been this okay with violence? It was probably sothing to think about so other ti.

“Thank you, Aisling.” I sniffled. She was powerful and bold. I was going to be safe in her hands, I knew it.

Her terminal finally blinked with a new ssage and we both leaned in to read.

‘I cannot apologize enough for this incident, Captain Barrowin. I assure you that this is not the norm in Venusian society. I have already given the order to the port authority to detain Dr. Godin and for security footage to be seized as evidence. You have my word as founder of this colony that this will never happen again. I will triple the agreed-upon paynt from Dr. Godin, and we will strike his feedback from your contract. We have a psychologist on the station, a good friend of mine, if ryll would like to talk to soone on the matter. I can offer additional security at any future etings if you wish as well.’

Aisling let out a smoldering sigh. That response was… surprisingly reasonable. I think Aisling was expecting, maybe even hoping, for more pushback on the issue so that she could buy more ti arguing about it, but how could she when he was giving her everything she could have expected and more? Skygraves was a patient man who wouldn't tip his hand easily, that was for sure.

She bit her lip nervously and started typing as I spoke “That was… not what I thought was going to happen.”

She grumbled quietly “ neither. Sothing is up here. But on the surface, he's in the right. We'll just have to play along.”

I kind of hated this ga they were playing. It felt horrible trying to guess what everyone here actually wanted and try to anticipate their next move. I didn't want to play it, but whether or not I wanted it, I was the most important piece. I wished that there could just be a straightforward conversation where we told him we weren't interested in selling off, but that was just going to lead to imdiate conflict.

‘Thank you, Dr. Skygraves. That's at least a right step toward making this right. I'll see what she thinks of eting with your psych friend.’ I appreciated the fib. I didn't want Skygraves to know I was already seeing Dr. Yates. ‘We’ll keep providing our own security, though. I'm not happy right now, and ryll's in a very fragile state. I need to tend to her needs right now, so we'll continue talking about this tomorrow.’

Aisling sent the ssage off and I saw the tension drop right out of her shoulders as she read the imdiate ‘Of course. I have to take care of this incident now, anyway. Have a good evening Ms. Barrowin.’ that he replied with.

If I could hug Aisling in that mont, I would have. At least she could use this to buy us a little more ti. Maybe we could at least leverage my suffering for a bit of an advantage in our situation.

“ryll, I'm so sorry.” She muttered, turning back around to look in the ‘eye’ again. “No one should have to go through this. And I'm glad you could trust to bring it to my attention. We'll make this right.”

I nodded, then sent a quick “yeah” to the intercom before I opened my eyes and settled into a long hard cry in the void.