The X Guide Chapter 226: String (2)

T/W: A bit depressing Chapter. Suicidal thoughts. Read with caution.

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Love.

Devion did not stop loving Khal. And he knew the other was the sa.

Yet, neither of them ever discussed it again.

He could not believe he was having this conversation with soone other than Khal. And it was soone not involved, but sohow he was not an exact outsider either.

Ayen was technically part of it now, too.

"It’s easier to think so." Devion nodded, admitting Ayen’s words. "But love isn’t enough..." He paused and then chuckled lightly. "Now, I’m saying these corny ass words. But it’s true."

Devion sighed. He put Khal’s hand in his lips, closed his eyes firmly, and kissed it for a mont.

Ayen watched him in silence.

After a while, Devion returned his gaze to Ayen.

"I was afraid. No, I still am. I’m afraid of... hurting Khal, and now you..." Devion sucked a breath and composed himself. "There’s this curse on my head that speaks bullshit every minute it gets. Ayen, I’m not sane, okay? I’m fucking crazy, and both of you know it."

Devion snapped, and this ti. Ayen let him.

Devion needed this. He needed to blurt out and vent his emotions once in a while. But Ayen would not tell him that he was right. Perhaps Devion’s words could be right, but it was not sothing Ayen would admit.

Otherwise, all of them were... actually in a different spectrum. They were all insane in their own way.

Ayen caressed the back of Devion’s hand with his thumb, not leaving his gaze off him, just as his hand tightly held Khal’s.

"You saw it too... right? That thing... has been living in my head for ten years, ten motherfucking years, Ayen." His voice was actually subdued, although the emphasis was greater in each word.

All his emotions laced within those words, and Ayen could feel it. His heart beca heavy just by listening to them.

"It haunts ... each ti. Its words are sotis childish, but it gets . Deep in my heart, I knew... those words are actually my own."

Devion sighed.

"The curse feeds on my insecurities and fear. And I can’t stop it. There’s no way to stop it. Only..." he paused, shifted his words to Khal as though afraid he was awake.

Devion was afraid of Khal hearing this.

He shifted his gaze again to Ayen.

Actually, Devion was hesitant to say this... but he could not suppress it anymore.

"...to stop it, I can only die. I can only kill myself." Devion paused and held both Khal’s and Ayen’s hands firmly.

He saw the way Ayen’s face paled, and he was so sorry that he had to bring this up. He leaned and whispered.

"There was so ti when I mulled it over. To just end it all. I don’t want to beco a monster that will kill the one I love, because I’m selfish enough to stay by his side."

Devion poured out his emotions. He did not notice the movent of Khal’s closed eyes.

"Do you know how hard it is to break up with him? He’s my first love, I... want to stay and tell him what I’m going through. But... I woke up one day, and suddenly, I had this urge to..."

Devion paused and took a deep breath again.

"... kill him. Khal’s sleeping, you know, he’s sleeping at my side, and the whispers ca along. They want to kill him. Everything blanked out, but I... stopped myself at that mont."

Devion’s angelic face twisted in pain; tears stread down his cheek.

"...I was about to kill him in his sleep, Ayen. I was so scared, I was terrified. Everything was triggering , and..." Devion paused and swallowed. "I realized... I’m becoming a monster. My mind’s fucked up. I’ve gone mad. I actually... try to kill him."

"So, I left him. That was a good decision, and I never regret it even once. Khal’s better without a ti bomb around him, who will suddenly go crazy and kill him."

The corner of Ayen’s eyes moistened, and he controlled himself not to cry. Devion did not need his tears; he needed him to listen.

"For two years... I just wandered. I killed monsters, venting my madness everywhere. But then, I knew my ti had arrived. I’m almost losing control. I kept seeing things. The curse manifestation beca intense."

Devion sighed.

"I decided to... end it all. I don’t want to beco a monster and rampage everywhere. Ayen, I don’t want Khal to burden himself and kill . He’s the only person capable of fighting in this world."

Devion knew Khal would be the one tasked to go against him when that happened.

"One last ti. I want to see him. I want to see Khal before I die. And that was... a decision that led us on to this misery. Every ti I think about it, I... blad myself."

"Why did I return? If only I could turn things around, I would never let Khal see again. Khal... is like this because of . He has a goal, you know. I know, Khal has been planning sothing."

Devion paused and wiped his tears.

"But I ruined it. By coming back to him. And I’m continuing to do that. I’m the one who did this."

Devion inhaled, and the tears stread down his cheeks.

"And now, you’re my other victim. Ayen, I... should have killed myself instead of becoming greedy for that one last mont."

"Devion!"

Ayen could not just listen anymore. He shook his head and moved closer to Devion. His hands reached out and wiped the tears in the corner of Devion’s eyes.

"Don’t say it like that." Ayen hated himself for not being good with words, but not saying anything either would be sothing he would surely regret. "Devion, it hurts. I don’t want to hear it from you again."

Ayen looked him in the eye, and he did not suppress his tears from falling to his cheeks any longer.

"I’m not a victim of this. Neither is Khal. Or you. Devion... killing yourself won’t be a solution."

"How? It’s the only thing that can stop this... fucking curse."

Ayen shook his head, and his tone beca lower and lower.

"Khal... won’t be able to live anymore if you did that. Devion, you are Khal’s life. If you died, he died too!"

Devion’s expression chilled slightly, and he could only stare at Ayen’s face.

"And I... will probably die as well." Ayen sucked in a breath and looked at him. "The reason I’m here, and changing, and trying to live... It’s because of you and Khal. You saved ."