Alanis.
"I am sorry,’’ I manage because even having the opportunity to talk to him is a blessing right now. It has just been two days and it feels like he ripped my heart out. I an it literally. It feels like there is a hole in my chest. The part where my heart was feels empty and this is just because of a fight.
I can’t even call it a fight.
He didn’t argue or try to convince otherwise. He just left and I have never felt more alone than I do right now. I feel empty and it is all because of the void that he left behind. I haven’t eaten anything all day and I am hungry. I am trying to deny it all. Another thing I know Beau wouldn’t like.
I grab my phone and see a missed call from him. My eyes open wide because I didn’t expect him to call . He should still be upset with . I am upset with myself—I hate the way I feel. I hate that I don’t want this. I wish I could be better for him, I wish I could give him what he wants. Why does it have to be this way? Why do I have to have all these doubts?
I call him back imdiately because I miss him so much and I need him to fill this void. Without him in my life, I will not survive. I don’t even want to continue a life where he hates .
"Beau,’’ I call his na. The other end of the line is quiet but I can hear his steady breaths. This is hard for him. He doesn’t want to say the wrong things and I know he doesn’t know how to handle this situation.
"I am so sorry,’’ I add because that is all I can say. I am actually sincere right now.
"For what?’’ he finally speaks up. I love the sound of his voice. In the storm that is going on in my mind. His voice cos in like the sun, shining brightly on my orbit.
"Everything,’’ I conclude.
He sighs. I can feel him again. Slowly, he is letting in. I feel his hurt, the pain as it emanates from him. I am causing him so much pain. Why does it have to be so hard? I am the one person that he should always be able to count on and I am breaking his heart.
"You don’t want this. I can’t force you to.’’ he deadpans.
I feel him slipping away and he doesn’t know it yet. There will always be a pull between us. He might be upset with right now but he loves but eventually, if we are not happy, that love will die. I don’t want our love to die. I look at my finger. The one that contains the ring. The proposal. The love he has for . I shouldn’t be scared.
Why the fuck am I so scared?
"Can you co ho?’’ I ask him as all the vulnerabilities that I have been hiding pour out of . I know he can feel too. He knows how I feel right now. I am shattered and miserable.
"Do you want to?’’ he breathes into the phone. I look out of the window. The sky is bright, the sun is shining and he is not here. Of course, I want him here but do I deserve him. I don’t think I do.
"Yes, I miss you,’’ I confess, slowly relieving the ache I feel inside . I want him back ho and it might be selfish of but I don’t know what else to do. I know that I can’t survive with him and I want him to forgive .
"Okay, I will be ho in an hour. I am sorry,’’ he breathes and my heart starts to beat again. The mont he left, it stopped. I felt incomplete and unhappy, now I know there is a chance for forgiveness. I drop the phone as he ends the call. We didn’t talk about anything important. He didn’t ntion anything about the babies and I didn’t bring it up. I didn’t want to ignite the fuel. I didn’t want to upset him any further. He hasn’t told if he is okay with my decision. I don’t know what he is thinking but I just want to see him.
I close my eyes for a second and not long after I drift off....
Opening my eyes, I am not in our room anymore. I am in an open space, the walls are white. It seems like a never-ending room. There are bright lights all around. It feels like I have died and gone to heaven. Maybe I am dead, I an that is the only explanation for this dream world. I was waiting for Beau, maybe the deities are punishing for all the wicked thoughts I have in my head.
"You are not dead Alanis,’’ I hear a voice before I see the person. The lodious voice of a woman. It is like music. The kind that makes you feel safe and nurtured. I don’t know who she is even as she appears into view. She is dressed in a white flowing dress. Her hair is black and long over her shoulders. The bluest eyes I have ever seen. In all my life, I have never seen anyone as beautiful as her. I know for a fact that she is not human. There is sothing great about her that I just can’t point out.
"Who are you?" I blurt out the question in my head.
There is a smile on her fac3e. It is so welcoming, it makes want to trust her. I want to put all my fate in her—a stranger that I don’t know.
"Soone that knows everything about you, I am here to guide you.’’
This is ridiculous to . It feels like I was pulled into another world. One in which I don’t exist. This seems more spiritual than anything I have ever witnessed.
"Why am I here?’’
I know this has sothing to do with the pregnancy. I just don’t know what the correlation between her and my problems are. She is soone that I shouldn’t even ss with.
"I brought you here,’’ she informs with the smile still on his face.
She is so calm. Makes want to leave all my worries behind. I take a deep breath as I ask her yet another question "Why?’’
I am just a series of what and why. I don’t even have a clue why this is happening but it seems like she does. "I am Selene, the goddess of the moon,’’ she smiles at , confusing even more.
Why did she bring here?
"I see you are having doubts about the babies?’’ she asks.
i remain quiet because I don’t know what she wants to say. I don’t even know what this dream is about but I am sure she will tell . if she really brought here, then she did it for a reason.
"I want to show you your alternate future. the one you will have without those babies.’’ she walks closer to and I don’t move as the room starts to spin. I close my eyes because I know that I won’t like whatever she is about to show.
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