Chapter 235: More doubts
Alanis.
"I am suffocating Eligio,’’ I shout into the pillow.
He laughs because as usual, this is funny to him. I don’t understand why he can’t just understand how I feel right now. I am slowly dying keeping all this inside .
Beau is too excited to talk to. He still doesn’t know but he feels like he knows. I don’t know what Alby has told him but it must be along the lines of the babies. The one thing I am trying to keep from him. I hate this so much. I hate that I have to hide this from him. Hide the way I feel.
He wouldn’t be happy with
if he finds out and I know this is sothing he will eventually find out. When we talked about it. I didn’t think too much, I thought it would take years before it finally happened but it has just been a couple of months. I just got with him and I didn’t even have ti to adjust to being with a wolf. Now I have to accept bearing his kids.
Fuck.
I have always been the considerate one. I have taken everything with a grain of salt and maybe this is
finally having that breakdown. I don’t even know what to call it.
Stress.
"You should talk to Beau. Why is how you are feeling a secret from him?’’ he raises a brow. His hands are on the bedpost. I ca over to the house to talk to him. Talking to Gyles helped but I need to talk to my brother. He could have a solution to this ssed up shebang.
Right now, he is confused and amused at the sa ti. He doesn’t understand the seriousness of this situation. "He is so happy about this, even though he has no clue yet. I have been hiding all my fucking cravings from him. I wake up at midnight to eat. You don’t know how hard that has been. The other day, he was devouring a piece of at and I ran into the bathroom to puke. I couldn’t let him see
puke."
He burst out in laughter at my confession. I watch him as he tries to stop the tears from falling. To him, this is funny. He doesn’t seem to pick up on the fact that I am fucking pregnant.
Shit.
Even thinking about it scares the crap out of .
"Dude, you can’t keep this from him forever,’’ he tells
after a couple of seconds of composure. I roll my eyes because he is not seeing this the sa way as I am "Pretty soon, it will start to show, what will you do then?’’ his eyes dart to my stomach. I grab the pillow I was fondling with and cover his view, which makes him laugh again.
The fact that this doesn’t seem as serious to him as it is to
just lets
know that I am overreacting. I know that I am but I just want to be able to express how I feel for once and right now, I don’t want this pregnancy. I am not ready for it.
"I know I have to tell him but the thoughts that I have are so scary that it terrifies . I don’t want him to know that I don’t want this,’’ I confess.
He walks over to
and sits down on the bed. My eyes stay on him "This shouldn’t make you this worried. If you don’t want those kids. Why not tell him the truth. I am so sure that Beau will understand. You guys have been through so much to be hiding this from him.’’
He is right but I know this is not sothing Beau will just get over. He has wanted this for so long. Even now, he talks about it like it is a dream co true and maybe it is a dream co true for him. This is sothing that should be impossible for us. Two guys having children is impossible but sohow the deities have made it possible and I should be grateful but I am terrified.
So terrified that it is making
so miserable.
I am miserable right now and the one person I should be able to tell this to is unavailable emotionally right now. Telling him I feel will be a downer to his own emotions. I don’t want to ruin the happiness he feels by pouring out my sadness.
"He’s going to hate . What will he think about , if he knows that I want this to fail? I have already killed our babies in my mind. What kind of person kills babies?’’
Eligio smiles, and reaches for , placing his hand on my shoulder gently "You haven’t killed any babies. You are just having doubts. I can assure you that this is not about you not wanting this.’’
I scoff "I don’t want this.’’
He raises a brow "What if I tell you that I have seen sothing that you haven’t and I know for a fact that you are going to love all this?"
He is trying to convince . I wish there was a way he could. I wish eventually, he is right because I want to love this as much as Beau does. I want to feel the sa excitent he feels when he thinks about this.
"You’re just saying this. You don’t actually an it,’ I tell him with an eye roll.
I don’t believe him.
He reaches for
abruptly and I feel the surge and suddenly my eyes are seeing what he is. Slowly, I am back in the community. I am in a room. There are two beds next to each other. I look out of the window and the sky is dark. The only light in the room is coming from a nightlight in between the two beds.
"Daddy,’’ I look towards the sound of the voice and one of the kids is seated on the bed. I recognize him imdiately from all my other dreams. His eyes are filled with tears. I try to reach for him but the door opens and I see myself as I walk into the room.
"Daddy’s here,’’ I watch future
run into his arms. The kid wraps his arms around
and my heart lts. "Another nightmare?’’ I ask.
He nods as I wipe the tears from his face but he doesn’t stop crying. I have always thought that children crying is the most annoying sound ever, but his eyes pull
in. he makes
want to console him.
"What did daddy tell you about the nightmares?’’ my future self asks.
"They are just dreams of our fears,’’ the kid answers sniffing loudly.
I smile as his sniffing gets even louder. The future
nods "Close your eyes and count to ten.’’ I watch as he obeys . Doing exactly what he asks. The sight in front of
warms my heart. I want to like it but it doesn’t change my mind.
I don’t want to give birth.
"You make your dreams, don’t let the bad man control you.’’
This is not the first ti we are ntioning this bad man and it has
worried. Why is my baby dreaming about a particular monster? It makes
think that sothing actually happened and that worries
even more.
I snap out of the vision and El smiles at
"Isn’t that just the cutest thing ever?’’ I nod my head to his question because I can’t deny it. It doesn’t change how I feel right now. He senses the hesitation in my eyes. "Talk to your man. He is the only one you should be talking to.’’
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