It was sorrowful.
I had thought if I smiled brightly, people would start to notice .
Even if it hurt, I smiled.
Even if I was sad, I smiled.
Even if they hurled insults at , I believed that if I kept smiling, eventually the friends who disliked would start to turn around.
It was the only thing I, the outcast, could do.
It was my only form of rebellion since I had nothing else. I had promised myself to keep smiling no matter what.
But.
The emotional burden that had been piling up had unknowingly transford into a giant lump of sorrow by the ti I realized it.
Foolishly, I had believed that if I kept smiling, things would get better soday. I had been hopeful that soday soone would reach out to be my friend. All of those hopes crumbled like a landslide struck by a downpour when I saw the two words ‘Idiot' scribbled on my desk.
I just stood there, looking at my desk.
"What is this…?"
I felt as if my mind had gone completely blank.
I couldn't think of anything.
All I felt was the crumbling of the hopes I had built, as I stared at the sinisterly written words.
From behind , where I stood dazed, ca the snickering of laughter.
-Who did that to her?
-Don't know. It was like that when I ca in the morning.
-Insane… But isn't she crying?
-Whoa, look…! She's crying.
-Insane, hahaha!
Jeers poured down on as I kept my head down.
It wasn't consolation that ca my way, but mocking laughter, treating my sorrow as a cody. I fled from the classroom as if to escape.
-What kind of equal academy is this…
-They say it's an academy of equality for everyone… What is this..!
Trying to hold back my tears, I found myself squatting in a corner of the recycling area behind the academy.
My own space, where no one else would go.
The recycling center, bustling only during cleaning ti, was the only place I could rest as the ostracized one.
No one to mock , no passersby—just my own complete space.
It had been my escape when I overheard gossip, or when I had to run from backbiting in the bathrooms.
I planned to sit there with my face buried in my knees just until my complicated emotions subsided. I had always managed to get by this way.
Today, as always, I resolved to cool down my heart and return with a smile on my face.
There was nothing I could do. In a relationship that was already twisted, there was truly nothing I could do.
I hated that all my actions seed to them like loose screws, and my earnest efforts turned into re entertainnt for their amusent.
So today, here I was again, squatting in this place.
Crouching in the recycling center filled with the stench of garbage, I sniffled at the pitiful state of myself.
-I wanted to do well…
I felt alone.
My current state, where no one would help , felt especially cold that day.
-Sob…
That's probably why I cried even more that day.
-What did I do wrong for everyone to treat this way…? I just want to be friends with everyone… Why are they doing this…!
-I want to be friends with you all too… I like making dolls too… I also have soone I like… I want to talk about it with you…
The mory of crying alone in the silent recycling center, where no one ever ca, was a painful mory that wouldn't fade.
No one to listen.
The recollection of complaining quietly to myself wouldn't easily disappear.
After crying for a long ti,
the bell signaling the start of the class rang, and I tried to pull myself together to stand up.
No matter how upset I was, I had to attend the class. I needed to keep up with the classes to maintain my scholarship, even if it was hard and exhausting.
I tried to lift myself up with difficulty, but my legs wouldn't muster the strength due to the overwhelming sadness.
-I have to go…
I muttered, punching my sluggish legs with my fist.
Let's go. Staying here won't change anything. I urged myself to move.
About three minutes might have passed.
Just as I was struggling to stand up.
-Why are you crying here?
A kind voice halted my footsteps.
With his red hair, tall stature, and a sowhat fierce expression, the man stood behind with a slight smile.
The man I had a crush on.
The man I had fallen for at first sight appeared before like fate.
Seeing Ricardo, who wore a mischievous smile and was looking at , I was so surprised that I fell to the ground.
-Ahh…! How long have you been here?!
-Well… since you said, ‘What did I do wrong!'
Ricardo imitated my upset behavior, causing my face to turn red with embarrassnt. I had never been so startled or ashad in my life.
Having observed Ricardo from afar, he wasn't the image I had pictured, but his unexpectedly approachable deanor took by surprise.
I thought he would be incredibly stoic.
And cold.
Irritated by Ricardo's playful behavior, I lowered my head and said.
-Let's go.
-I don't want to.
-The bell rang, you should go.
-I don't want to.
Ricardo retorted firmly.
Despite the bell signaling the start of the class, Ricardo yawned and carefully sat down beside .
Then, with an annoying expression, he told .
-I'm smart enough that I don't need to attend classes.
-…Really?
-Jealous?
Ricardo, speaking earnestly with an absurd claim, simply watched my red-flushed face.
Seeing my swollen eyes.
The moisture around them.
Ricardo, with a bitter smile, spoke to in a calm voice.
-Did you cry?
-No.
-Lies. I saw everything.
-…If you saw, why do you ask?
-It's fun?
Ricardo answered confidently.
Was he always like this…?
The illusion I had about the person nad Ricardo was breaking, but as I saw the sunlight reflecting off his smiling face, my heart pounded wildly.
‘Pull yourself together…'
-Is there sothing on my face?
-What?
-You keep looking at .
-No, it's just… you're handso…
-What?
-No… what am I saying…! No, I misspoke.
Ricardo smiled at my flustered reaction and took a small handkerchief from the pocket of his butler uniform, offering it to .
I stared blankly at Ricardo's proffered hand, holding the light brown handkerchief with a faint scent of flowers. I looked at his hand as if asking why he was giving this to .
-Take it.
-…
-My hand is about to fall off.
Ricardo's touch was gentle. It felt even softer than the handkerchief.
Perhaps because of the emotion I felt at that mont, it seed even smoother.
After receiving Ricardo's handkerchief, I could only stare at it blankly. It had been so long since soone had treated with such warmth. At the sa ti, the overwhelming feeling of a fateful encounter with soone I had secretly watched bubbled up inside .
-Sob…
-Why are you crying again?
-I'm not crying…
Ricardo, considering my feelings, turned away and muttered.
-You're very bad at lying.
The first encounter with Ricardo remained an unforgettable mory for .
-Oh, I forgot to introduce myself.
Ricardo, squatting beside , told his na.
-My na is Ricardo. I'm in the sa first year, first class as you. And… they say I'm a troublemaker.
-I'm… Yuria.
-Yuria. That's a pretty na.
-Thank you.
Starting from small talk to casual daily conversations, ti seed to fly by quickly.
Although I knew I should go to class, my fluttering heart kept holding back, wanting to stay just a little longer.
After about thirty minutes had passed,
I got up quickly, driven by a sense of anxiety.
-I should go now.
-Why? Let's talk a bit more.
-But… the class…
Ricardo said with an awkward smile.
-Ah… I… can't. The class.
-What?
-Um…
Ricardo stood up, dusting off his trousers, and said.
-You'll see if you go.
Ricardo, moving leisurely as if nothing mattered in his seemingly ruined academy life, left an impression on .
I followed him quietly, surprised by his response. My throat was tight from crying, and I didn't know what to say to the confident Ricardo.
Especially with soone I liked right before my eyes.
I just kept my head down and stole glances at Ricardo's face.
Returning to the classroom, I saw the chaos of the first-year, first-class students.
My desk was clean.
In contrast, the desks of the other students were in disarray.
It looked as if there had been a fight.
A fierce one.
And then.
-Ricardo, where are you!
The shout of a male student looking for Ricardo with a bloody nose filled the classroom.
-Look.
Ricardo said to with an awkward smile.
-I told you we wouldn't have class.
Ricardo confidently entered the classroom and stood in front of the searching male student, smiling slightly.
-Catch if you can!!!
Ricardo ran off like a madman.
*
That evening I found out.
The person who scribbled on my desk was the male student looking for Ricardo.
And after I ran out of the classroom,
Ricardo cleaned my desk with the male student's head while I was hiding in the recycling center, which I learned by chance.
-That guy's crazy, telling you. He smashed his face into the desk… ‘Clean it,' he said. Ugh…
-Just as crazy as his mistress. Acts like a lunatic too.
-So what happened?
-He must've gotten suspended, right?
That day at the recycling center,
For the first ti, I was glad to have a visitor.
Holding my pounding heart tightly,
I listened to the students' conversations.
*
The buzz of alcohol is coming on.
Feeling a bit tipsy with old mories, my emotions got a bit too intense.
Yuria sighed as she chewed on the jerky.
"Sigh…"
And then a man with a small smile placed a drink in front of her.
"Why are you drinking alone like a tragic heroine?"
Yuria looked up.
The man with red hair.
Ricardo was sitting in front of her, smiling.
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