Not so long ago, I’d encountered all sorts of elental constructs on Lagyel. Mia and I had been forced to fight everything from swarming insects to creepily enhanced animals to towering humanoid golems that almost wiped out our entire unit. In the wake of such experiences, I had managed to convince myself that my dislike for such creatures was just a healthy coping chanism.
This was brought into question when the re sight of the ice creatures imdiately drove into a frenzy.
Rage coursed through , and I lashed out at any construct within reach. I wasn’t even using my swords properly! Instead, the wickedly sharp claws I was now capable of extending at will got a rather thorough workout.
I pulverized the blobs. I ripped the legs off the spiders and then stabbed them with their own appendages. I broke the humanoids apart, section by section, with great relish. I barely registered the weight of souls slipping into my trusty purse.
At least I wasn’t alone in my fury. Mia was on her own rampage. Her new sword slashed through the air with a vengeance, parting everything it sank into with stunning ease. It might not have been a soul-blade like my primary weapon, but the enchantnts Yules’ uncle had placed on it were solid.
Eventually, I was surrounded by the shattered remains of ice creatures. My eyes darted around like a wild animal in search of its prey, only to land on a straggler who was trying to escape by rippling back into the ground.
"Oh no you don’t," I snarled.
Tearing my mother’s sword out of its scabbard, I slamd it through the creature. The blade sang through the living ice and buried itself into the floor of the cavern, but I didn’t have much ti to relish my victory before I was thrown off-balance.
I was expecting the soul to find its way to my purse, as usual. Instead, my sword pulled the soul back through the blade, absorbing a tiny bit along the way… and then sent the rest careening straight into my body.
My vision wavered, and I gasped as I experienced devouring a soul for the very first ti.
It was glorious. It was addictive. My own soul ripped apart the intruder, stripping it of all its strength, knowledge, and essence. I felt a shudder ripple through my being as a little ’more’ was added to the totality of my existence.
Images poured into my mind, making my thoughts swim. For a fleeting mont, I was a creature at perfect harmony with my environnt. I could burrow through the world, hide from predators, strike at prey, and do whatever I willed with the countless deposits of ice all around .
The only thing that stymied was the ground deep below the layers of my preferred environnts, and the only things I feared were the hunting parties of the Others who had claid so many of my kind.
Then ca different prey, prey I’d never seen before, sneaking through the tunnel I had taken as my ho. So much like the Others, this prey was, but… different. Different enough that I surged forth to feed, to add this new power to my own.
What followed was terror, then the need to flee, and then —
I snapped out of the mories, their simplicity letting my ascension-hardened mind work through them at record ti. Sure, it was distinctly odd to experience life from the point of view of living ice, but I found I could handle the oddness with contemptuous ease.
My identity was far more grounded now. I never once lost sight of the fact that I was Hayden, ascended demon, friend of few and enemy of (unfortunately) many. Oh, the ice creature was definitely a part of now, but not as an intrinsic new facet surgically added by the Absorption Station. It was just nourishnt broken down and digested for the sake of growing my soul.
I took a deep breath, releasing it slowly as I stood. Then I began parsing through the mories for sothing useful. I found a nugget of important information with startling speed.
"We’re almost at our destination," I announced. "The locals we’re tracking make their ho in a cave not too far from here."
Mia shot a confused look, so I hurried to add, "I don’t know why, but my sword ripped the soul right out of that thing and force-fed it to . These creatures like to avoid the ho of the locals."
"Let’s see it for ourselves, then." Mia grinned at and took off at a swift pace, eying the cavern walls with distrust.
I joined her, but my mind was a mile away at that point, returning again and again to the mont I devoured that soul.
The ice creature’s soul was weak, inferior in rank, and incapable of providing with any appreciable growth. In spite of that, the sensation of becoming more, of rapturous glee in the core of my body, made long to devour another one. My fingers almost twitched in the direction of my soul purse before I beat back the impulse.
That was when half-rembered worries swirled up to the surface of my mind.
I had been terrified of several things before my ascension, even if I didn’t let them hold back. I was worried I’d fail and lose myself, of course. But I was just as terrified of succeeding and turning into sothing that was no longer .
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These worries had been shunted to the back of my mind post-ascension. It wasn’t sothing I’d consciously done. In fact, I had difficulty dredging them up to the surface. A montary tug-of-war occurred between and my own subconscious before I managed to yank them free.
A shiver passed through . As I contemplated these old fears, I couldn’t help noticing the difference between them and all the post-ascension thoughts I had accepted as my new normal.
How did I get here?
Why did nothing but hatred fill my head when I thought about angels? Why did I feel so much disdain for all mortal races? Why was I so eager to hunt down souls and claim them?
Sure, I had always been driven by ambition. I wanted to grow further. But it wasn’t so long ago that the wholesale slaughter of people bothered . When had I started to lose that sense of respect for life in general? Was it when I killed one person too many? Or was it the first ti I invested souls into furthering my ascension?
Wherever they had co from, the feelings were there. The urge to harvest as many souls as possible. The total lack of concern for the lives lost in the process. The utter contempt for any and all mortals.
Who in the literal hells am I now?
"Mia?" My voice was on the verge of trembling, but I kept it steady. "How do you feel about mortals? Really feel about them? Can you do a favor and think about it for a second?"
I sped up to walk alongside her, watching as her expression shifted from confusion, to shock, to a carefully maintained façade.
"So… you have so new feelings now, too? Mixed feelings, all of a sudden? That aren’t… yours?" I ventured carefully.
This earned a very sharp nod.
Silence stretched between us. Our pace slowed until we were practically shuffling forward.
"Do you think Glaustro kept all this from us?" she finally asked, her voice low.
I stiffened. That wasn’t where my mind had gone. Still…
"I don’t think so," I said slowly. "I have no way to prove it, but… I an, it’s Glaustro. I don’t think Bronwynn did, either."
"Then why? Why did no one warn us?"
"I…" What possible reason could there be? Except, maybe… "Rember their stories about ascension? Most people do it pieceal. They can take decades just to fulfill the basic requirents. We, anwhile, did it in… four months? Five?"
Ti was a bit fuzzy, but I could hardly attribute that to the Abyss. My life had been one long string of ergencies and accidents since I’d woken up as Hayden. It was hard to keep track of anything.
"You an to say they don’t notice sothing like this? Just because it happens gradually?" Mia hissed, clearly incredulous.
"I an that they both don’t notice and, well… Grow used to it, maybe? Kill enough people to get souls, and what’s the difference between whatever this is and growing insensitive to the slaughter?"
"The difference is suddenly feeling like mortals are worthless just because sothing has been ssing with our head." Her growl was vicious.
I grimaced. "Point."
Neither of us said anything for a while, because really, what was there to say? I couldn’t even sort through all the feelings raging inside of , let alone form coherent sentences.
The worst part? I wasn’t sure if I entirely hated the ddling of the Abyss.
Oh, I was chilled to the bone to find out sothing had been ssing around with my head, subtly or not. But would I have survived if the Abyss hadn’t done… whatever this was? If I was constantly haunted by the death I inflicted upon the world?
I didn’t know, and that bothered .
Just as irritating was the fact that the manipulation had worked. I couldn’t deny that a part of had irreversibly changed over the course of my ti in the Legion of Tornt.
Take the present mont, for example. I could have stopped and turned around to demand answers from Glaustro right that second, but I didn’t. I simply kept marching towards the settlent of the locals.
I would still claim their lives when the ti ca.
It was sobering, that. The fact that I was also far more curious now about them, their culture, and the details of how they lived their lives was hardly enough to make up for my desire to steal their souls just to strengthen myself. Those feelings of curiosity and wonder belonged to the old Hayden. They were more intense, sure, like all my emotions, but they were also buried deep in my subconscious.
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That was another point of confusion. The barrier between and those suppressed bits was still ridiculously thin. Why not make it more solid? Why wasn’t the Abyss trying harder to prevent from accessing those parts of , if its whole goal was to watch them wither and die due to neglect? Was it nefarious ddling, or a misguided attempt to help?
I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut. I had so many questions and doubts, and no one to direct them towards. I wasn’t even sure Glaustro could help.
Mia had ventured a bit ahead of while I indulged in my internal monologue. When I opened my eyes, I found her looking over her shoulder at in worry. That, at least, drew a smile from my lips.
"Don’t worry, kitty cat. I’m fine."
"Good. And don’t call m-"
Mia gasped as her foot went straight through the floor. Her hands lashed out, desperately reaching for anything to stop her fall.
I had never moved faster in my life. Bursting into motion, I practically teleported to her side, scooping her up around the waist and staggering back. In front of us, where one of her hands had slapped it, the floor crumbled away further.
We watched in disbelief as a web of cracks developed, and then a whole section of the floor fell away to reveal a gaping chasm. As demons, we both had enhanced eyesight, including the ability to see in the dark. Even so, neither of us could spot a bottom to the endless darkness beneath us.
"So… the floor’s not safe." I cleared my throat, squeezing my arm around Mia a little tighter as my heart hamred away in my chest. "That’s good to know."
"Mmmmm," was my companion’s only reply. She sat rigidly in my arms, tense and poised for action, eying the spot where she’d almost taken a tumble.
I had little doubt that she would have recovered in record ti and then probably stuck to the wall of the chasm using her claws or sothing. Mia wasn’t a damsel in distress that needed saving. In spite of that, I really, really didn’t like the thought of what might have happened.
"How about we proceed a bit more carefully from now on?" I suggested, letting my mana billow out to probe the floor on the other side of the chasm as far as I could reach.
"That sounds good."
"I’m glad you agree, your cattiness."
She swatted at my arm, but after jumping across nearly four yards of nothingness, we did continue through the cave with much more caution.
A part of was more than a little upset that our simple mission had gotten so complicated so quickly, with both the environnt and our emotions working against us. But really, it was my fault. I had been entirely too positive about our long-term outlook when we set off from camp.
With the rest of my life to reference, I should have expected a much less comfortable experience.
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