I was floating in a pitiless void, and I was familiar with it.
This was the place not even my nightmares dared to explore. The one place I never wanted to see again, at any cost, no matter what I had to do.
And it had claid .
I wanted to scream. To cry and rage and beg or simply tear myself apart if all else failed. It was a far better fate than what awaited here.
Worse, I was even more cognizant than the last ti around. My soul felt… thicker, more condensed, weightier in a way I couldn’t define. This weight let cling to my sense of self, as corrupted and twisted as it may be.
I knew it would only make what was coming all the more painful.
I tried to prepare myself for the pain, to force my mind to welco the slow eradication of my sanity, since it ant an end would eventually co. Yet, when I felt that hungry presence loom over , I still tried to hurl myself away from it, like a pig frantic to escape the butcher.
It was pointless, of course.
Just like that pig, I felt bonds close around , holding still and pulling closer. I couldn’t even squeal as the proverbial knife drew near. I could only wait, helpless, for the first blow, the eventual chip against the very essence of my being.
It never ca.
Amidst my panic and pointless thrashing, for the first ti, I felt a glimpse of… warmth.
It’s an insufficient description for what I felt, yet I have no other word for it.
It was the warmth of a gentle sumr afternoon. The warmth of a cup of hot chocolate, prepared by loving hands and pushed into your own after hours of playing in the snow. The warmth of a comfy bed or bath at the end of a horrible day, when you’re exhausted and resigned and just done. The warmth of a mother gently pulling you into her embrace so she can chase the nightmares away.
I couldn’t resist it. The pain that would surely follow didn’t matter. Gradually, reluctantly, I surrendered, even as my bonds inexorably dragged closer to the presence that had once tried to consu utterly.
Except, this ti, it was no longer so hungry, nor so cruel.
Oh, even as I sank into it, I knew the hunger was still there. The presence longed to lash out, to consu, urged on by the ravenous void within itself. Yet, none of those vicious desires were directed towards .
Instead, it cradled and held close, secured against all that might try to snatch away or devour . It sent waves of soothing emotions into , driving out all my fear and rage until they were nothing but an unpleasant mory.
I beheld it, then, in its entirety. A twisted spiral made of countless layers, big and small, complex and simple, linked and severed. A world, a hungry beast, a mother, and so much more. Its beauty startled into awe. Its base nature shook to my core.
And I loved it, because it loved in turn. Possessively, protectively, with unfailing intensity that filled my being with conviction.
Not all was well, however.
For all the bonds the presence had woven around , there was another harness attached to my core, stretching away into the distance. It was thick and powerful and just as insistent in its claim on .
It fought hard to tug away, to join my soul to itself. But it did so with all the dispassionate arrogance of a bored social worker, trying to wrest a child from the hands of a loving relative because of an estranged parent. A social worker who didn’t give an inch of care about where the child might end up, or what it wanted.
And yet, the tether’s claim was strong. Strong enough to make whimper, caught as I was between the two forces.
My new parent wasn’t going to tolerate the tug-of-war for long, though. More bonds lashed out and secured more tightly, and then other strands of the presence manifested. These new strands sank into the foreign tether attached to , piercing, tugging, sawing.
Pain filled , threatening to tear apart from the inside. I panicked. Then, so ineffable sense gave a perfect view of my current self.
I was a glass-like figure, shot through with sealed-over cracks, the results of an effort to sh together pieces that wouldn’t quite fit. In so areas, the cracks had almost entirely faded, as the features of what used to be two people smoothed out into a new whole. Other cracks lingered, prominent and barely holding together. But now, caught between two opposing forces who both sought to claim , the cracks were spreading. My glass self was splintering.
What would happen if I shattered?
I didn’t know. And, for so reason, I didn’t care. All that mattered was the one question pounding through my consciousness:
If I did shatter, would my new parent still want ?
Terror, pure and overwhelming, gripped like a vise. Instead of scattering, my focus tightened, and I did what had beco instinct to over the last several weeks.
I lashed out.
I’m not sure when it appeared in my hand, but suddenly, my sword bit deep into the harness that stretched off into the distance. The first blow made it quiver and spasm. The second increased the strength of the tether’s pull to the point that, in those few monts, I felt like I really would shatter entirely. The third severed the connection, and it snapped, fading beyond my senses.
I couldn’t pant or sweat, but I still felt waves of fear and exhaustion rolling through like the tide of an angry sea. Then the attention of that looming presence focused on fully again, and its love and approval lulled back into a state of pure bliss.
This ti, there was nothing to mar those feelings. No conflicting claims. No distracting thoughts. In that mont, I experienced perfect contentnt. If it decided to devour then and there, it would have been worth it.
But it didn’t eat .
Instead, a single tether unfurled from the presence I was curled up in. It stabbed gently into my chest. The feeling of warmth and safety redoubled, this ti accompanied by a profound sense of belonging that lay claim to utterly.
I let it, elation singing in my heart.
Faintly, through a haze, I was sowhat aware of a voice whispering to .
Connection forged.
Permission to proceed with ascension granted.
I didn’t care about the words. I cared only for the presence, its warmth and its approval. I wished to stay there forever, content, safe from the universe and its demands. Free from panic. Free from despair. Free from the constant drive to be better, to beco more, just so I might live.
The euphoric sensations intensified, winding tighter around as the Presence spoke directly into my mind.
Welco, my child. You are now my own. My flesh, my blood, my soul, my will.
Then a blemish appeared in my world of bliss.
A pouch was hanging from my hip, a simple drawstring purse that I knew contained souls. It annoyed . I didn’t need an object that would separate even an inch of from the presence. The sword was irritating enough, even if it had helped . Two more items appeared, slowly, almost hesitantly. Another pouch, then a fancy book whose covers glowed with an inner light.
My frustration briefly surged, then it was banished by the soothing attention of the presence.
The items were heavy. They tugged on , trying to drag away from the loving embrace. The purse, in particular, felt like a rock tied around my waist. It was pulling , causing to sink lower and lower, away from the place I wished to rest.
I fought it, but I found no purchase as I scrambled. There was nothing for to grab or cling to. Even worse, the presence no longer held . Ever so slowly, its bonds unfurled, letting my gradual fall continue.
Bitter remorse shot through my being. If I could have wept, I would have. What had I done wrong? Why was I being sent away?
The further I fell, the heavier I beca. Energy unlike any I had ever felt or wielded before swirled around , seeping into my translucent form and giving substance.
It started from my fingertips. At first, it looked like little flakes of ash had sohow manifested there. Then the flakes clumped together, whitening and forming into skin. Flesh, blood, and bone followed, slowly transforming my ill-defined proportions into a real body.
A body that dragged down, pulling away from the one place I felt I truly belonged.
I regained my ability to cry, and tears unabashedly stread down my cheeks. My mouth was open in a soundless wail that slowly beca audible as my lungs ford. My heart, my core, were the last to form, almost simultaneously. Then mana was coursing through my veins, sealing my fate.
My back slamd against sothing cold and hard, followed almost instantly by my limbs. I barely noticed. I was too caught up in the agony of existing, too angry at my pathetic body that tied down to life and all its suffering.
Not even the discomfort that speared through a mont later could snap out of it. The sensation of overwhelming heat and unbearable cold all at once, of every minor ache being amplified several tis over, tugged at sothing in the back of my mind, but I dismissed it out of hand.
All my attention was fixed on the fading impressions of that perfect mont of existence, and the faint red glow far above . It reminded of the Presence, of its benevolence and love, and only made more miserable.
Gradually, I beca aware of the familiar discomfort, along with other sensations. I caught snippets of voices, of sounds I couldn’t interpret in my dazed state. I made no effort to understand or react, content to be lost to the world as I was.
Maybe soone is going to kill , or maybe I’ll just die of the cold, or heat. Then I would get to go back…
Disapproval surged in my chest, jerking away from the idle thoughts. Though the emotion was foreign, I could recognize its source. It ca from a tether connected to the center of my being, tying to the Presence I so longed for. The ssage was clear: if I tried to get back through self-neglect or self-harm, the Presence would not be pleased.
But I would be there again.
Hope blood in , and for the first ti, I tried to move my limbs.
They were a twitching, uncooperative ss, and I only barely managed to push myself onto my side. As I blinked my eyes rapidly to get rid of the tears, the world started to resolve itself into more than just vague blurs.
The first thing I saw was red stone, cut into precise squares and adorned with fanciful demonic engravings.
Then I saw the people.
Just like , they lay collapsed face-down on the ground. They were barely sensate and utterly naked. I recognized plenty of them, on account of the fact that I’d had a front-row seat when rcutio decided to shorten them all by a head.
An unpleasant jolt of worry snaked through .
I groaned and tried to move, blushing furiously at the sight of my own naked body. Apparently, I was not an exception to the general state of undress. Twitching my limbs more insistently, I struggled to recover my control over them as quickly as I could.
The sudden sound of confident footsteps added fear to my embarrassnt. None of us currently lying about seed capable of recovering so quickly from our apparent resurrections, so whoever was approaching was probably not a recruit.
Then I thought of the mutated individual who had tried to kill , most likely on rcutio’s orders. He was probably up and running by now. Recruits could be a threat too.
As was typical of my luck, I wasn’t even close to forcing my body into submission when the steps paused just a short distance away from .
"You look like a ss, kid," drawled a familiar voice. "Need so help?"
Exerting all my strength, I managed to push myself onto my back so I could look up at the speaker.
There, standing in all his pinkish glory, was Bronwynn.
I didn’t expect the flood of emotions that surged through . Regret over not being able to warn him in ti. Sorrow at losing him. Profound gratitude for helping , for giving the information I needed, for healing my arms when he didn’t have to…
So potent was the cocktail, it even banished the lingering cobwebs of my experience in the void, at least for a while.
In the end, I could only squeak out two words in response.
"Yes, please."
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