It took a while, but Kiyui cald himself down. He is still clearly very distressed and on edge… which is obviously perfectly understandable. I really hate seeing him like this… he has always been so calm and polite… and patient… and sweet… and understanding. He doesn’t even swear normally. Even when he was confronting that mob, I think he only swore once. Seeing him bursting with anger like this… it makes my stomach churn.
Dwynfel: “I think we should sit down and let your father say what he has to say. I know you, Kiyui. If you don’t listen to him now, you’ll regret it later.”
Kiyui didn’t say anything… he just focussed on his breathing and sat back down on the bench… still holding both of my hands. It was kind of difficult to sit next to him on the bench when he was holding both of my hands, it ant I had to awkwardly twist myself, but now was really not the ti to point that out.
Mr. Kintari: “I don’t think you understand my point. Maybe I didn’t explain that in the best way. You wanted to know what happened, so I told you. I should have explained why… why you did those things.”
Kiyui spoke, through gritted teeth… still trying to focus on his breathing.
Kiyui: “I did those things because I lost control… don’t try to justify it… and stop trying to cover for .”
Mr. Kintari: “Kiyui… I am not trying to cover for you… I am trying to help you to understand yourself. I was never a particularly loving father to you. It isn’t that I didn’t care for you… I wanted you to have a good life… I wanted you to have skills because I knew people would look down on you. But when it ca to showing you affection… I just couldn’t… because every ti I looked at you… you reminded of my own inadequacies. Your mother and I… we tried to have a baby… we tried for so long. But it never happened. She had had you before… so I knew that she could… so I knew that I was the problem.”
The old man took a deep breath and then downed what remained of his drink.
Mr. Kintari: “I couldn’t have a child of my own. I should have channelled the love that I wanted to give to my own child into you. I should have… but I didn’t. I let my self-loathing fester inside … I grew more and more angry. Then when that mark appeared on you… I just exploded with rage. I should have made sure you were ok… I should have helped your mother. She was raped… she was assaulted… that must have been the most awful experience in her life… absolutely horrific… and I got angry with her for not telling . I grabbed her… I shouted at her. I know you, Kiyui… you were always such a placid child… I know that you would not have done what you did… if I had not assaulted your mother like that. I know you unleashed that thing because you were scared and afraid of what I would do to her. You did it in an attempt to save her. You tried to save her from . I am not seeking your forgiveness… what I did is not sothing that can ever be forgiven. I am asking you to forgive yourself.”
He reached out as if he intended to stroke Kiyui’s face… but he stopped himself. He retreated inwards. He is a shadow of a man really. All the guilt he has been feeling over the years has completely destroyed him.
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Kiyui continues to try and breathe calmly… but I can tell he is really struggling to do so now. He let go of my hands. Kiyui’s voice is so angry and sinister at the mont… it is unnerving.
Kiyui: “Father… it is you that doesn’t understand. I hated you… I hated you for so long. I had no idea what you were going through… I was a child… I just saw a man who never expressed any affection towards . A man who made work. A man who made learn things that I hated just because he said so. I didn’t see how those things would help … I was a child… I just wanted to play. The rage I felt that day… it wasn’t new… it wasn’t sothing that happened in that mont. That rage had built up for years… if it hadn’t happened then, it would have happened the next ti you wouldn’t let go out with my friends… or made do writing practise… or Gaia knows what else.”
Kiyui took another deep breath. He has stopped crying now… and his voice has got much calr.
Kiyui: “The thing is… when I went out into the real world… you were right… all those things you made learn… they did co in useful. Being able to write, read and do maths made it so much easier to manage my money and organise client lists. The stitching helped fix my clothes when they were damaged. The more ti I spent away from here, the more I realised why you were doing those things. Eventually, without even realising it… I stopped hating you. I never even realised that until now. I stopped hating you a long ti ago.”
Kiyui took a deep breath and smiled slightly… even through all the tears… he still finds a way to smile.
Kiyui: “We never understood each other when I was young… you say you didn’t know how to show affection… but you taught those things because you wanted to have a good life… teaching … was a form of affection. I just never understood that back then. I just thought you wanted to control . What you did that day was wrong… very wrong… I’m not going to sit here and say that it wasn’t. It may have pushed over the edge… but it was who reacted with extre violence. I may not have intended for that to happen… but it still did. You may not have been the best father in the world… but you tried… which is more than a lot of parents do… especially for a child who isn’t their own. You can’t take all of the bla for this. The fault lies with both of us.”
Kiyui stood up and walked over to his father. He took his father by the hands and stood him up. They looked each other in the eyes.
Mr. Kintari: “I am… so sorry.”
Kiyui: “I’m sorry too.”
Kiyui embraced his father for what I think was the first ti in his life. His father’s tears were dripping down onto Kiyui’s back.
Mr. Kintari: “Kiyui… please stay.”
Kiyui: “I’m sorry… I can’t. I have people that I care about that I can’t leave behind. I have a child that is depending on to keep him safe. I have a man who has seen the very worst of and still chooses to stand by my side. I must continue my journey.”
Kiyui pulled back from the hug and looked around the room.
Kiyui: “But I am going to clean this place up a bit before I leave. This place is nothing more than a painful reminder… we’ve both tortured ourselves for far too long.”
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