Sorry… getting a bit sidetracked again. What I really wanted to do in this mont was to let you in on so of the things that I have co to realise over the course of my life. So, I shall impart this information to you, then I shall say farewell and I shall go back to spending my ti with the things that I love… my husband… my children… and my life.
The first thing is about dealing with your problems. I don’t an the practical problems, like a broken sink or whatever. I an your internal problems.
The first couple of years of my life were not ideal. They left with a lot of issues. Issus that I thought I could deal with by pushing them to one side. I put a series of things in place so that I wouldn’t have to confront any of these issues. Such as avoiding all sexual contact with other people and not telling anybody the true extent of the things that happened to … or the things that I did as a result of what happened to .
I have made a lot of progress over the years. But particularly since that whole incident with Tadwick and Darling. I realised that just talking about things really helped . Since then, I have had much deeper conversations with Kiyui about what happened in that nest. I know that I had talked to Kiyui about this stuff to so extent previously… but I didn’t hold anything back this ti. So of these conversations have caused to hyperventilate, sotis they have made angry, other tis it has mostly just been crying. But they were all things that I needed to feel. I needed to feel the anger, the sadness… even the anxiety. I needed to feel those things so that I could process them.
You can’t process the emotions that you won’t let yourself feel. And don’t get wrong. These conversations were difficult for . They were not pleasant. Dredging up those mories… the pain that they brought. But sotis you have to feel the bad things in order to feel the good things later… if you know what I an.
All my life… all the happiness that I have experienced… it has always been tinged with this fear… this underlying dread. This belief that I will do sothing horrible and ruin everything. That’s gone now. It took far too long to get rid of it… but it is gone.
I an… I’m still neurotic… I don’t think I’ll ever stop overthinking things. But the fear of myself has gone. I know who I am now. I’m not afraid of what I might do… because I am in control of . I know what I want out of life. My mind isn’t going to be suddenly overrun by so innate goblin behaviour… because… and I know Kiyui has said this to … more than once… but… being a goblin does not define . I am my own person. And dealing with my past has helped to co to terms with that.
My point is, running away and ignoring these problems just allows them to fester and get worse. I appreciate that just after the initial trauma, things can be too sensitive to deal with imdiately. I certainly could not have communicated about it adequately when my family first rescued . But when things settle… when things are calm and you feel safe… you need to deal with your trauma.
The second thing that I have co to realise… and well… accept, is that my issues with nudity are very much my own. Don’t get wrong… I grew comfortable with it from those in my imdiate vicinity quite a long ti ago. When you are surrounded by people like Kiyui, Nomius, and Tadwick you kind of have to adjust to things. But I would be lying if I said that it didn’t bother back then.
The thing is… I saw it as having to compromise. I saw it as them being uncivilised and just having to accept being uncomfortable. What I should have done was thought about why it made uncomfortable in the first place. Because when you think about it with any degree of logic… nudity shouldn’t be shocking, upsetting or uncomfortable.
I an… we are born naked. Nudity is our default form. Animals don’t wear clothes, unless we force them into them. And we are technically animals… why does our increased ntal capacity for so reason make us ashad of nudity?
Kiyui is right about society creating a lot of these hang ups. Which is odd… because human society is so incredibly ashad of sex and nudity… yet within it, there are these, kind of, pockets of hypersexuality. Places you can go to watch naked people dance, to pay for sex, to pay for all manner of perversions. But I suppose that making nudity seem like such a forbidden thing drives people to want to see it more. Which in turn increases revenue within these businesses.
Dacus made the gardens clothing optional a while ago. Initially there weren’t that many people that indulged in it. It was mostly him, Verity, and various small children. But over ti, more and more people started doing it. And now, during the hot weather, very few people in there are clothed. And the ones that are clothed are no longer bothered by those that aren’t. Once it beca accepted that it was allowed, people got used to it quickly and ceased to care. It was only shocking initially.
So, I think my issues with nudity stem from a few different things. The first being that I was raised by a society that generally keeps clothes on. This makes it shocking when suddenly the clothes are off. It was simply fear of what I wasn’t used to.
The second reason is my issues with my own body. Even now, I dislike people outside of my imdiate circle seeing without clothes. I have co to accept my body. I am what I am. But I will never be proud of being a goblin. Which I think is why I still struggle to shake that uncomfortable feeling when other people see my body in its entirety. There is still that fear that they will just see a goblin. There are still days that I miss my cowl. Therefore, I still generally avoid situations where nudity is expected. As I said, I am fine with being naked around certain people that I trust. But nudity around strangers is still sothing that I avoid.
The third reason is linked to my issues around sex. I tried to avoid sex and anything sexual for the longest ti… for various reasons that you are well aware of by now. And I sexualised nudity. I saw nudity and I made the ntal leap to sex. Sex and nudity are not the sa thing. Don’t get wrong, sex often involves nudity. But the vast majority of the ti, nudity does not involve sex. If you felt the need to orgasm every ti you had no clothes on then by the gods would your genitals be sore.
That was very much creating my own problem. I saw nudity, I made the ntal leap to sex, and as a result I ended up making myself incredibly uncomfortable. Even with people that I was not even remotely attracted to… even with children… I assud there was sothing sexual about the situation and that made my skin crawl.
Fortunately, this is very much sothing that I have now moved past. I am now perfectly capable of seeing nudity without instantly linking it to sex. Because nudity is not by default sexual. I have co to accept that other people can be naked and that has no effect on . I don’t need to freak out about it. I can go the gardens now and not end up a neurotic ss because there are naked people.
I have also co to realise that just because other people are naked… it doesn’t an that I need to be. I have issues with my body… if other people are happy enough with there’s to not bother hiding it, then that is fine, but it doesn’t an that I need to follow suit.
I guess that what I am saying here, is that I have co to realise that it is okay to be naked… and that it is okay to be clothed. Do what you are comfortable with. Don’t force people to take their clothes off and don’t force people to keep their clothes on. What business is it of mine if so woman is sunbathing naked? Why should I care if the boys are swimming naked in the river? Why should I care if Dacus is gardening with nothing on? It doesn’t affect in the slightest. I only need object if they attempt to force to join in.
So basically, when it cos to nudity, just let people do what they feel comfortable with. If it makes you uncomfortable, then think about why it makes you uncomfortable. Just because you have issues around sothing, it doesn’t an that it is wrong. It doesn’t an that everybody else needs to stop because of your discomfort. It simply ans that you have issues that you need to deal with. And at the end of the day… it is incredibly easy not to look at sothing. So, if seeing it makes you uncomfortable, then simply avert your eyes.
Just for the sake of clarification. There are plenty of things in this world that make people uncomfortable with good reason and absolutely should be stopped if ever witnessed. And there are still various contexts where nudity is not a good idea and should be stopped. The dead of winter for example… there are situations where clothes need to be worn. I am simply pointing out that context is important and if the only reason for you objecting to sothing is simply that it makes you uncomfortable, then you should focus on working out why it makes you uncomfortable rather than stopping everybody else from doing it.
Speaking of things that make people uncomfortable. I have also been doing a lot of thinking about sex. I don’t an in a perverted way. I an, trying to work out what my sexuality is.
I questioned this stuff a long ti ago, when I was still unsure if Kiyui and I were in a relationship. Since then, we have beco closer and more intimate, I have discussed these things with Kiyui (as well as so others) quite in depth, and he has filled in on the key terms.
From what I have been able to discern, heterosexual ans that you are willing to enter into a relationship with sobody who possesses a different set of genitals to you. Homosexual ans that you are willing to enter into a relationship with sobody who possesses the sa set of genitals as you. And Bisexual ans that you are both heterosexual and homosexual… and thus anybody is fair ga. And by enter into a relationship; I an romantic or sexual or both. Which puts in the camp of bisexuality.
It doesn’t matter that I have only ever been attracted to one man. Nor does it matter that I have never actually had sex with a woman. I am still highly attracted to won and I am still highly attracted to Kiyui. So, bisexual it is.
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I am well aware that most people will simply identify as homosexual because I have a husband and I have only ever been involved with a man sexually. Other people identifying incorrectly doesn’t bother in the slightest. They aren’t in my head, they don’t know what’s going on in here. I can’t expect people to be able to guess this stuff. The important thing is that I understand my own feelings and I know who I am.
Putting a label on what I am is actually rather unimportant and I don’t really care about the terminology. The reason why this investigation into myself has been so important is because for a long ti I struggled to understand how I could be so attracted to won and yet still be attracted to Kiyui. I didn’t really get it. I know homosexuals, I know heterosexuals and I know bisexuals. But most bisexuals that I know have been attracted to multiple people across the sexual spectrum. The fact that Kiyui is the only male that I had ever found attractive confused .
Talking things through with Kiyui has helped to realise that, as I have literally just ntioned, sexuality is a spectrum. It isn’t black and white. You can be mostly attracted to n and still find so won attractive and vice versa. You can be fifty/fifty in the middle and be drawn to an equal number of each. You can also be one hundred percent heterosexual or homosexual. So, being predominantly drawn to won does not an that I can’t also find a man attractive. Sexuality isn’t limited like that. And I guess… that is what I was struggling to understand.
I really should have co to this conclusion a long ti ago. Agaroth did tell that story about how he had sex with a man once. Even if it was simply because he thought the guy was a woman when they started. Thinking of sexuality in such a rigid manner just caused to be confused and attempt to reject certain things about myself because I didn’t understand how they could be possible.
I guess what I am saying here is that you shouldn’t try to rationalise attraction in your head. Initially, I tried to justify my attraction to Kiyui because I assud that since all my previous desires were of a heterosexual nature, then there must be so strange reason that I was unaware of why I was attracted to him specifically. But when I stopped trying to work out why I was attracted to him and simply embraced that I was… it took so much pressure off and it allowed to simply settle into the relationship and be happy.
So, my advice here is actually that you shouldn’t lock yourself into one specific group and be open to the idea that you may move into a different group at different points in your life. I was heterosexual. I am currently in the bisexual camp. Dolly told that he was heterosexual until he was fourteen. Then sothing kind of clicked and he lost all interest in won and beca completely homosexual. Sir Robert said that he was bisexual when he was young, but after a while his attraction to n waned and he is now fully heterosexual. I am the reverse. I was heterosexual, then I beca bisexual. What you are may change from one mont to the next. So, try not to be afraid of these changes. If you learn to embrace them, then you will be much happier as a result.
That being said… I obviously still have issues with certain aspects of sex. I spoke before about dealing with your issues. Well, I think that I have worked out why sex with won terrifies so much. Because really, given how attractive I find the female form, it doesn’t really make any sense for to still be afraid of them in a sexual context. Especially since I ca to realise that I am more than just a goblin and moved past my fears that I might lash out and hurt sobody during sexual activity.
The issue there is that I still have the mories of my ti in that nest. And whilst I may no longer fear that I will perpetrate the deeds that I witnessed. I still have vivid mories of them. And being close to a woman in that way… it causes those mories to co flooding back and enter the forefront of my mind.
What I witnessed back then, what I saw being done to my mother… whilst she was still breastfeeding … aggressively and repeatedly… it forms a kind of well in my stomach. It makes feel… empty… like there is a great void within . It is a truly horrid feeling, and not one that I can get past.
This is precisely why, no matter how many tis that Kiyui suggests it, I just cannot bring myself to attempt sex with a woman. Even if certain parts of my body seem to want to. What my penis wants is diatrically opposed to what my trauma riddled brain can cope with.
I don’t think that this is an issue that I will ever be able to move past. But at least, on this little sexual identity quest, I have been able to work out exactly why I am like this.
Kiyui did say that if this was sothing that I wanted to work on, that he would happily share our bed with a woman, in order to provide with emotional support and hopefully overco this. But, even just thinking about it creates that void in my stomach. I know he ans well, but I don’t think any amount of emotional support would help get past this.
Besides… I don’t think polygamy is my thing. I know that sex is Kiyui’s thing. I have co to accept that. When it cos to sex, we are two very different people.
I am well aware that Kiyui is capable of having sex with no emotional attachnts whatsoever. I am also well aware that he can sleep with friends and people he cares for without it changing his opinion about them or how he feels about them.
In fact, because of all we have shared and how well I know him, it doesn’t even bother that he has sex with other people now. I rember back in the violet forest when he just went to blow Shu as a polite thank you… it made so jealous and uncomfortable. I didn’t realise it at the ti, but even just a few years later, when he was undercover at Mada Laurent’s, he was talking about how Jonty was excited about having sex with him again… and it didn’t even occur to to be jealous.
I think that even back then I knew that him having sex with other people was absolutely no threat to our relationship. Because we have such a strong emotional connection. The difference between us is that he can completely separate that emotional connection from sexual activity. I am just not capable of that. My penis may have a mind of its own, but I just… I need to feel the right emotional bond with sobody for to feel comfortable engaging in sex.
If Kiyui was like in this regard… and he proceeded to have sex with sobody else, then yes, I would feel like our relationship was in great danger. But the way he is… it just isn’t an issue. I love him and I trust him. We have spoken about this stuff before and he has offered to be monogamous… but it is part of who he is… and I don’t want to force change on him. I love everything about him, and I wouldn’t change him for the world.
I guess my point here is that when it cos to sex, sexuality, monogamy, etc… people are different. He is a different person to , things hold different anings to him, so I shouldn’t judge him based on how I would feel if it was doing those things. I guess I finally understand what he was talking about all those years ago about not shaming people for being sexually active.
On a less sex orientated note, I have also co to realise that our biology has less of an impact on who we are as people that I used to think. Don’t get wrong… it obviously effects so things… and can give you predispositions towards certain behaviours. But it is largely how we are raised that effects things like our moral compass.
I was terrified for so long that deep down I was just like my birth father. I was convinced that because I was a goblin, that I was inherently evil. That because I was conceived through rape, then the desire to commit such acts must run through my veins. And it doesn’t, it simply doesn’t.
Had I been raised in that nest… I would have been like every other Grim. I would have grown into an evil creature and I would have thought nothing of it. But I was raised by good, kind, caring, loving people. And that had such a profound effect on … it made the man that I am today.
I have also learned that, as a result of this, I put the human race on a pedestal for a very long ti. I was taken in by humans… they gave a wonderful upbringing… they helped through hell and out the other side. But not all humans have such caring dispositions. Sothing that I learned to a disgusting degree in that opium den. All beings have the capacity for both good and evil. You are not born one or the other. Who you are is moulded by those around you as you grow, and by the decisions that you ultimately end up making.
The final thing that I have co to realise over my rather turbulent life is that I am not the hero of this story. I never have been. I am and always have been a support character to the true heroes around . My biggest accomplishnts in this life have simply been assisting others. I am not the one to run in and save the day. I am not the one who heroically holds the line. I am not the one who goes out in a deeply emotional heroic act.
The thing that I am most known for… defeating the corrupted incubus. That was simply Phoenix using as a conduit to access the power of the sword to a diminished degree, so as to kill the creature without blowing up the entire city. The prophecy that I was going to save the city and by extension, the world… that was about Phoenix, not .
The heroes of this world are the likes of Agaroth, who gave his life to protect his friends. Chloe, for uniting the knights with the undead and holding back the enemy hordes until their leader could be killed. Keith, for sacrificing himself to save Phoenix from that explosion. Iliya for literally everything he did to keep alive that day. Farrow, Johnny, and the other adventurers for holding back the invading creatures to buy us ti. Chlamydia, for diving on that deadly plant to save a boy that she barely even knew. Phoenix… for sacrificing her life to kill the demon that threatened the world. Gods… even Charlie for taking on that crocodile with only one arm and a dagger. These people are heroes. I was simply a glorified delivery boy.
And you know what. I am fine with not being the big hero. Everybody in this world can’t be a hero. The world is dependent on the people who lift these people up… who support them… who help them be who they need to be. The world needs people who deal with the normal world. The world needs farrs… the world needs tailors… the world needs normal people. I may not be a big glorious hero. But I have had an impact on this world. I have changed the lives of others for the better. I have fallen in love. I have given my boys a good life and a safe place to live. If I die today, then I will die safe in the knowledge that my contribution to this world has been a positive one.
At the start of this story, I made it quite clear that there are no good goblins. I can quite honestly say, that that statent was born of ignorance. Not only of the Bracken, but also of myself. I know now that many of the Bracken are good natured. I know from seeing Jacob and Tarquin that nurture has a very significant impact on who we beco. Our nature may give us certain dispositions, but it is how we are raised that teaches us how to deal with those dispositions. It is the support from those around us that guides us and makes us the people that we are.
I would not have grown into the person that I am now without the support of my parents… my friends… even my children. I don’t really believe in the black and white concept of good and evil anymore. I am aware that there is a bit more nuance to things. There are good people that do bad things, there are bad people that do good things. It is a spectrum… and everybody exists within the grey areas.
But I do now firmly believe that my shade of grey is on the lighter side. I have done so horrible things in my life. I can never erase that. But I have also done a lot of good things. And for the most part, I am proud of the life that I have lived. I accept my life for what it is… for what it has been… the good, the bad and everything in-between.
When I look back on my life now… yes there have been sad tis… but I would not have felt those sad monts if I had not had the happy ones. And overall, despite being a deeply neurotic overthinker… I have had much more happiness in my life than I ever thought possible.
And in this mont… as I look out onto the farm. And I see the boys going about their chores… and in the middle of it all, Kiyui… wearing those ridiculous farming dungarees that he made years ago… chewing on a strand of straw… and smiling back at . I know… I just know… that I have never been so content.
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