TL/Editor: Butter Cat
Status: 4/week mon-thurs
Illustrations: none
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〈 Chapter 71 〉 Chapter 71. The Cause.
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Where did it all go wrong?
Sotis, no.
Maybe, it's a question I ask myself every morning when I open my eyes.
My original plan to end my life after helping Remi and Anna grow, that blueprint of a bright future, was already shattered, not even its original form remaining.
Elli, who had fished out of the forest as I was drifting towards death, saving my life on a whim, and then refusing to kill while starting to gain her own enlightennt and move forward.
Sia, I've never seen anyone who has lived as many lives as I have, not even those who have lived five or more lives, so perhaps this life, or the next, would be my last, and I could finally rest in peace. That’s what I had thought.
Unexpected encounters and relationships.
The ti spent with those heartwarming people had beco paint, and they started to paint over the picture I had drawn.
But, it was okay.
I thought that another opportunity would co again with ti.
That then, I could truly end everything with a smile.
With those thoughts in mind, I was able to endure each day.
But no matter how much I tried to restore the picture to the way I had originally envisioned, the misplaced brushstrokes and the random splashes of color kept shaking my heart.
Why, isn't it going the way I want it to?
Why, won't they let go?
By the ti I couldn't even rember what the original picture I had in mind was, I had thrown away my brush and given up on everything.
But, above all, the incident that truly broke my heart.
The person who shattered my heart like this, more than anyone else.
The person I loved more than anyone in this life, the one I wanted to help grow, the one I thought I would never see again.
Remi Akaia.
When my sister appeared before my eyes in a flower garden full of beautiful blooming flowers.
Yes.
All the cracks originated from her.
—Thud.
"Wow! Aris, how about this book? This, this one, I used to read it to you all the ti! Rember!?"
".......Yeah."
Remi, as if she couldn't be any happier, was dragging around the marketplace, clutching my right arm.
Thump, thump. In the street where white snow was falling, those amber eyes shone particularly brightly amidst it all.
I couldn't bring myself to shake off her hand, srized by her bright smile and those eyes looking at , and I was just being dragged around, unable to fulfill my original purpose of wanting to walk in the snow.
That's right.
As always, I was nothing without others.
I, who had lived as a friend to soone, a lover to soone, a child to soone.
That ant that without them, I was nothing.
Just an empty wooden doll, nothing more.
Whatever more could I do.
What more could I do for them, who no longer needed soone like , who had nothing to gain from the trials I set before them.
Elli and Sia, who had been left alone in the dark wilderness, could only stand there, doing nothing.
Even cheering them on as I watched them take step after step from beside them was no longer possible, now that I had drifted so far away from them that I could no longer hear their voices.
While I had chosen to remain here until their figures disappeared over the hill, there was a despicable who was getting angry at them for not trying to take along and moving forward alone.
Anger, or perhaps, jealousy.
If not that, then perhaps just the whining of a child.
Like that, I was slowly crumbling, being consud by a green-eyed monster.
To in such a state, the one I had already let go of in my heart, my lovely, immature sister, had approached , now shining with a soul more beautiful than anyone else's.
And I felt it.
Ah.
I’ve truly reached my limit.
Because I saw Remi, flaunting the joy of growth, as if it was sothing a being like could never experience again.
Even Remi's smile as she looked at felt like she was mocking , who could only watch from afar, unable to follow by their side.
Of course, Remi probably didn't an it that way, but to , who was already twisted and broken.
Really, everything about her seed to be mocking .
And so, with a sound I couldn't even describe.
A small crack, in my heart—
"—Aris?"
"........"
Snap.
"........."
A blue-covered book appeared before my eyes.
Looking at that familiar object, I opened my mouth.
"......Yes. I rember."
"…! Aris, thank you!! Hehe!"
Of course, I rember.
A children's book with a blue background, its cover filled with cute animals and a young girl with green eyes.
A book about a girl who went on an adventure, overca various hardships with the help of the friendly animals in the forest, and returned to the ho she missed.
It was one of the many books that Remi used to read to at my bedside when we were younger.
That was now in front of .
—Thud.
"........"
I hugged the book Remi handed with trembling arms, afraid of dropping it onto the snow-covered ground.
Even though I couldn't run my fingers across the cover to enjoy its texture with my bandaged hand that no longer had any feeling.
Even though I couldn't bury my face in the book and sll the unique fragrant scent of paper with my nose that only had the function of exhaling left.
The book in my hands looked exactly the sa as before.
I could never forget it.
How could I ever forget it.
Drip, drip.
Tears fell.
".......Alice. Are you alright?"
"I rember… I rember everything…"
It wasn't like sothing had gotten into my eyes like before.
I was just recalling sothing I hadn't lost in the first place, sothing I could feel as if it had happened just yesterday.
But tears, for which I couldn't explain the reason, kept flowing, creating countless holes in the snow that had piled up on the ground.
Plop, plop, as if rain was falling from the sky instead of snow, droplets fell
I ended up leaving wet marks all over the book Remi had given as a gift.
But even though I tried to wipe them away, tears kept flowing from my eyes like a broken faucet.
And at my shocking state, they all rushed to my side and spoke words of concern about my condition, but I couldn't give any reply.
Because these tears, weren't tears of joy.
And these tears, weren't tears of sadness either.
They were,
Just tears of pain.
I'm crying because it's too painful.
All the anguish is flowing out as tears.
I had deceived myself, saying it was for their sake, that it was a coincidence, that it couldn't be helped.
But the ti I had spent with them, had undeniably been a ti filled with what one might call 'happiness', a thing I had tried so hard to avoid.
Precious mories that should never disappear, no matter what happens.
If there was an end to this arduous journey, or if the day ca when my soul rotted away, those would be the mories I would proudly reminisce about in my final monts.
But even those mories, now, only served to tornt , reminding of my own worthlessness.
".........."
Useless , who couldn't even help others properly.
Such a useless person like had no right to be by their side anywhere.
They had already flown away to a place high above beyond my reach, and my existence by their side could be nothing more than a burden increasing their weight.
So I want to stop now.
I want to rest now.
Should I have just died recklessly?
Please stop tornting right before my eyes.
Please don't humiliate like this.
Rather, kill and throw my body onto the barren earth where no sunlight reaches.
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
Why is everyone coming closer to .
Just fly away to that high sky above.
You've blood beautifully, so go back to the arms of your owner who will welco you.
Please don't make say that I want to live with you all.
You all.
You all can do that, can’t you?
"....Kuh, keheuk! Keu, ha… haak…!"
"…Aris!? Why, what's wrong!?"
Incoherent words, ramblings that a sane person wouldn't utter.
But with my muddled mind, thinking of words to that extent was the best I could do.
My swollen throat and my ragged breathing felt like they were choking , and my spinning vision seed to be saying it was a miracle that I hadn't lost consciousness yet.
I'm okay.
I can still endure it.
I tried to say that—
"—Remi?"
I heard a voice.
"…Huh?"
"…?! You… You…!?"
I heard a voice I knew.
It wasn't the voice of anyone near , and yet I knew that voice.
I know of soone who could call Remi by her na so casually in this place.
It might sound cold and indifferent, but I know better than anyone the kindness and warmth hidden within.
I know it, don't I.
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I turned my head.
"..........Ah… Aaaah…"
"......Ari, s?"
Now, I really.
Couldn't hold on any longer.
"—NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
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