TL/Editor: Butter Cat
Status: 4/week mon-thurs
Illustrations: none
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〈 Chapter 26 〉 Chapter 26. Breaking the Shell.
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A secret refers to the act of concealing one's 'unacceptable' tastes or behaviors from others.
It could be a past act of recklessness or foolishness, an embarrassing shared mory between two people, or the hidden location of a cherished possession.
But usually, it's the 'Karma Mirror' (업경), which lists their flaws and sins, that becos the object of concealnt. Their desperate attempts to resist and cover the mirror might seem comical to so. (TL Note: The Karma Mirror is a mythical object from Buddhism that reflects a person's past deeds/sins.)
They plead.
Don't laugh at .
Don't look at with those eyes.
Why, is everyone distancing themselves from ?
Unable to bear the judgntal gazes of those who were once close to them, they desperately try to hide their flaws, making sure no one ever finds out.
Because they're afraid.
Afraid of being abandoned.
A secret is born from the heart that cherishes others.
But no matter how much they try to hide it, the places to hide beco increasingly limited. They hide and hide, and in the end, the only place left is their own heart.
—No matter where they hide it, in a place where no one can find it, they can't escape from the secret itself.
How can this not be pitiful.
The heart that cherishes others becos a tool that harms oneself.
But even those fools who desperately try to hide their secrets have a small wish they want to fulfill.
A tiny desire they don't even realize they have.
'If only there was soone I could share my secret with.'
A precious person who would share their burdens, their sins and flaws, and face them together.
A neighbor who wouldn't bat an eye even after learning their embarrassing secret, treating them the sa as always.
Yes.
They just need a companion who will stay by their side until the very end.
"This is all for Big Sis Elli, you know?"
So I decided to explore her secret.
Because, deep down, she must want it too.
Right, Big Sis?
**
The world continues to spin peacefully, indifferent to their circumstances, even if a frog devours a passing fly, an ant returning ho gets swept away by water, or a baby sparrow that can't fly yet falls from the roof.
Tap.
"—Alice? Where are you?"
"Ah, Big Sis Elli! I'm here!"
I was sitting by the window, and turned my head at the sound of my na being called from behind.
It was Elli, now an inseparable part of my life.
She approached and gently started stroking my hair.
"You're here again. I told you the window sill could be dangerous..."
"Hehe... But it's not dangerous at all when Big Sis Elli is here!"
"...Don't rely on so much."
The window seat, bathed in warm sunlight, was my favorite spot.
The window sill, in particular, was wide and rounded, not sharp-edged, so I could comfortably sit there, leaning my back against it.
Ever since my wounds had mostly healed, and I could move freely, this had beco my favorite place.
My eyes were currently unable to see, my sense of touch was dull as if I were wearing a full-body rubber suit, and I could barely sll anything except for strong spices and the fishy sll of blood, so this was the only amusent I could enjoy.
The warmth of the sunlight, the gentle breeze, every sound and temperature that brushed past my body felt pleasant.
Well, my eyes had healed a long ti ago, she's just preventing from seeing.
Before, when Elli told that my body was almost fully recovered, I asked if I could take off the bandages covering my eyes.
'Hmm? Why? Because I want to see Big Sis Elli's face!'
'.......'
What did Big Sis Elli say back then?
Ah, right.
Yes, she said,
'Not yet.'
The Elli who always spoke to politely, concerned for my well-being, was gone. There was only a precarious person, her voice trembling as if she were on the verge of breaking, her words laced with a deep sigh.
She added that it wasn't ti for to remove them yet. She told not to touch them carelessly until she removed them herself.
Never.
No matter what.
She looked so eerie, so scary—and so pitiful.
A kind, innocent child who knew nothing about dical knowledge and couldn't even fathom suspecting another person could only believe that the words of her beloved older sister, whom she trusted more than anyone else, were true.
So I obediently followed her words.
Because I love Big Sis.
But Elli, I've told you countless tis, there's no paradise in the place you run to.
In the end, unless you plan to crush my eyes with your own hands and blind for life—
Soday, I will remove the veil covering my eyes and take you into them.
Does Big Sis realize that?
"Haaa... So refreshing..."
"Lunch is ready, shall we go?"
"Yes! Carry , Big Sis~"
"....As you wish, Alice."
Hug, I wrapped my arms around Elli's approaching body.
Her body was cool and refreshing, the perfect temperature to soothe my skin, heated by the sunlight.
She spoke as if I were a troubleso child, but she couldn't have disliked it that much, as she put her hand under my armpits and lifted .
Wah wah, I'm a baby.
"I'm not… very good at this..."
"I like it the most when Big Sis carries !"
"I'll carry you forever."
I love it!
Elli held tightly, so I wouldn't fall, and slowly started walking towards the kitchen.
Swish, swish, she awkwardly stroked my head as she carried .
In return, I gave her a small kiss on the neck.
Her steps faltered for a mont, and her body flushed hot, it was so cute.
"Heehee~"
"Honestly... You're too playful, Alice."
Even though I couldn't see now, the layout of the house was clearly imprinted in my mind. Even as I was being carried, I could tell exactly where we were in the house.
Soon, the humid air, a telltale sign of the kitchen, reached , and I confird that we had arrived in the kitchen, just as I had imagined.
Today's nu was pumpkin soup, the dish I said I wanted to eat this morning.
I sat down and, with familiar movents, received a spoon and started eating.
One spoonful, two spoonfuls.
"It's sweet~!"
"There's plenty left, so please don't hesitate to ask for more if you want."
"Okay, okay!"
Slurp, the warm, creamy liquid entered my mouth. I couldn't taste or sll it properly, but the hot temperature that stimulated my tongue and the smooth, velvety texture told it was well-cooked.
A soup simred slowly, just for .
Sensing her care, my heart felt warm and fuzzy.
It had been almost six months since our relationship began.
A little over four months since the day Elli gave a na.
A long ti, long enough for the wounds on my stomach to start healing, for the hole in my palm to almost close up.
Long enough for the wound on my eye, caused by hitting a rock, to completely heal.
—And yet, I still couldn't remove the bandages covering my eyes.
Elli was hiding sothing.
I could only guess, but it must be sothing related to her true nature.
The scent of blood that emanated from her body whenever she returned from her hunts in the early hours of the morning, intensifying every few days.
My wounds healing at an abnormal speed because of her strange treatnt.
Her insistence on keeping my eyes covered, preventing from seeing her.
Really, Big Sis, you're terrible at hiding things.
Well, that naive side of you is what I like about you, though.
Slurp.
The bowl of soup was emptied clean.
**
To be honest, I didn't want to go this far.
At first, I also wanted to wait patiently until Elli revealed her secret. I was willing to accept all of her, no matter what.
Even if she wanted sothing, no matter what it was.
If she wanted my life, I was willing to give it to her.
I believed that true growth ca from taking a step forward like that, especially since Elli seed to be severely lacking of experience when it ca to human relationships.
But she couldn't do it.
She just kept pushing back the mont of truth, seemingly content with this false peace.
Even though Elli seed to be enjoying each day, I felt sorry for her.
A sandcastle that would crumble at the slightest touch.
Yes, it can't be helped. Growth isn't sothing you can easily achieve.
Secrets.
They're often not a big deal. What might seem like a shaful secret, worth sacrificing one's life for, could be just an ordinary, everyday occurrence for the other person.
Just let it all out, once and for all.
Be prepared to be judged, open your mouth wide.
Then, with a sense of relief, you'll look back at your past self and wonder why you had been agonizing over such a trivial matter.
At the sa ti, you'll realize sothing.
That what seed like an insurmountable obstacle separating the two of you was actually a bridge that would strengthen your bond.
So, Elli.
You have to be prepared, you have to face it head-on.
Just like in Hermann Hesse's novel, you have to break out of your shell and fly into the world! (TL Note: The novel being referred to here is Demian.)
"—Sleep well, Alice."
But was it because she was too fragile?
No matter how long I waited, even after six months had passed, she showed no sign of taking action.
Another day had passed, and another would follow.
This false peace seed to have no end in sight.
"Yes! You should sleep well too, Big Sis Elli!"
"...Of course."
Tick-tock, ti continues to flow.
If a chick doesn't break out of its shell in ti, it will eventually die. (TL Note: Another quote from Hermann Hesse's novel)
Suffocating, struggling.
But Elli couldn't even tap on the shell, she just wanted to enjoy the comfortable ti inside. Oblivious to the fact that she was suffocating.
If this continued, her radiance would fade.
I couldn't let this beautiful flower wither away without ever blooming.
I couldn't let this precious gemstone, still encased in its rough exterior, turn into graphite and crumble without ever being discovered.
This had to be stopped.
And that's what I'm best at.
"Heeheehee."
Crack.
The chick that can't break its shell.
—If that's the case, I'll just have to break the shell for it from the outside.
**
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