Co to your senses... Don't lose yourself... Think about who you are...
Aiden Tenebra, that's who you are.
Uh, no... No. You're not Aiden Tenebra.
Ethan, Ethan Subter. That's your actual, real na.
*******
I know very well that people in similar situations to mine have a slower perception of ti than normal. Most of the ti it feels like a day has passed, but it's actually several days.
So how long have I been here...?
A few days? Then it must have been much longer in reality, right?
I feel like I'm losing my ability to think and that's... definitely not a good thing.
What was I thinking about last ti? Oh... I rember. I was thinking about what I saw in the first test.
Death and fla... death and fla...
Forget the fla, there's not even the slightest thing about it here. When I can't even control my mana, there's nothing to be gained by thinking about the fla.
Then... death.
As much as death is an end, it's also a beginning...
I don't know why, but I keep getting stuck on this phrase. I can think of other things, but I always co back to this one in the end.
An ending... but also a beginning...
Don't shy away from life, of course. Move forward to the point where death is inevitable. When the ti cos, accept it. Step into the beginning behind the end...
Oh, I misspoke... there was sothing else.
What was it?
From death... uh... I can't rember the rest.
Escape death?
Or... sothing different? Like...
Don't be afraid of death?
*******
Dark... Dark... Very dark...
Hot... Cold... No, neither...
Is soone grinding their teeth...?
Am I imagining it, I shouldn't be able to hear anything like that...
Think... Think... Think... Think...
I paused for a mont, all the voices in my mind suddenly disappeared and I felt like I was literally in the middle of nowhere.
Ah... no, I shouldn't have paused.
What was I... what was I thinking?
*******
In the middle of the darkness, with no sound, no sensation... I suddenly ca to myself. I rembered what I was doing and where I was. And the mont I did, an intense anxiety and fear enveloped my whole being.
No... I'm losing myself, forgetting my own existence, as I feared.
I'm being dragged into sothing that I tried so hard not to be in the first place.
This is... a big problem.
*******
Death... Fla... Death... Fla... Death... Fla...
The end... The beginning... The end... The beginning...
Think... Think... Think... Think...
Don't stop... Never stop... Don't lose yourself...
*******
The seconds continued to pass in silence. I was forcing myself to think and think... and I was getting tired.
When will it end? When will I get out of here...?
I'm... getting scared. What if I really die?
Was coming here... really a mistake?
*******
I looked into the darkness and it kept looking at . I tried to whisper to it, to keep myself together. But it didn't give any answer.
For a mont, as so often happens lately, I lost myself.
As the seconds turned into minutes, into hours, I didn't think anything... I couldn't think. I was so tired that I couldn't think anymore. I had thought so much that even thinking had beco a reflex rather than sothing I did deliberately. So... it was useless.
But... one of the tis when I sohow ca to my senses again, I finally thought of sothing different.
No matter how long I waited, there was no change. The darkness was as it was, I was as I was, everything was always the sa.
So... when I thought about it differently, even if only for a short ti, suddenly I understood.
When death is inevitable, accept it...
There's no way out of here, is there?
That's what he wants... isn't it?
He wants to accept... he wants to end my existence here, to step into a new beginning...
It has to be, doesn't it?
But... what if I'm wrong?
What if I think I've found the right answer and I'm really going to step into my 'end'...?
I have to hold on until the end, then...
I must not walk away from life willingly. I must give myself to death when it is inevitable.
I must go as far as I can, no matter how long it takes.
But can I do it on my own? How far can I go in nothingness, just thinking on my own?
Even now I'm losing myself, I find myself suddenly doing nothing.
I need sothing. Sothing that can help , no matter what it is.
Like... a fla?
I imagined a tiny fla swaying this way and that.
A small fla in the middle of the darkness, right next to . I didn't know what its source was, I didn't even care how it could shine in this darkness and where its light reached.
I just imagined it, the way it burned in a completely random way, its orange color, its warmth.
I found myself watching it when it only existed in my imagination. I wondered how it could still burn while I struggled to maintain my existence here...
It was absurd to question the existence of sothing that existed only in my imagination, but... it was one of the things that kept my mind still open.
I continued to watch and think about it as it continued to burn at my side, like a guide to show the way.
*******
I am not afraid...
No, I'm not afraid of death...
Or am I?
I don't feel like I can take it anymore... I'm tired of losing myself over and over again, and then thinking over and over again; imagining.
'Don't shy away from life, of course.'
I paused with the voice echoing in my mind.
'The point where death is inevitable...'
I looked at the fla that had perhaps gotten this far, the fla that still burned in my imagination. I wasn't sure if even that was a dream anymore, sotis... it felt like more than a simple dream.
I paused for a mont, silence filled my mind more and more. And then... I rembered sothing.
That hall I stood in before I ca here... I didn't have my inventory ring, I didn't have Sith with , I didn't have access to the system.
Then... how did I create fla in the palm of my hand?
Humans can neither control nor channel mana without the help of the system... they can only feel it.
Then how did I use that fla, how did I feed it that motif on the pillar?
Ah... that fla... was it already mine?
Then...
I looked at the fla, which I never questioned how I could feel its warmth in this nothingness, how I could see its orange color.
I felt myself getting closer to it, getting warr the closer I got, and then I paused again.
Yes, I am afraid.
I am really afraid of death.
That's why I'm here, isn't it?
That's why I didn't do well in the previous 'test', he said, but I satisfied him. Because he knew that I didn't fully believe in my answers myself.
Here, he arranged such a 'test' to make cling even tighter to those answers.
When death is inevitable, accept it... let the fla be your guide...
The fla, the guide that will lead to the beginning behind the end.
I moved closer and closer to the fla next to , and as I did so, it slowly began to grow. The closer I got to it, the hotter it got, the bigger it got. It didn't stop until it completely surrounded my body, and I didn't stop.
It wasn't painful. It should have been... but it wasn't. On the contrary, it had a comforting sensation. Like when I was in the body of the executed man in the second dream I had.
I gave myself over to it, letting the heat work its way into , its light shining brighter and brighter with each passing second, at the sa ti adding more and more darkness to the darkness I was in.
My thoughts slowly faded. My self slowly withered.
Death enveloped my body, more real than ever.
Then... I reached the end, or rather my own end.
The doors of a new beginning opened before my eyes. Endless darkness, nothingness; suddenly covered with blue flas.
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