Silence...
A silence that makes question whether I really exist.
Darkness...
A deep darkness that seeps into , a darkness that feels familiar, yet alien and deep.
And then... after a period of ti that I could hardly perceive, a difference.
The silence was noisily broken. The endless darkness I was in was suddenly filled with a white light. My eyes were dazzled, my ears ringing with the intensity of the sound, but I resisted. For a short while, both the loud sound and the intense light faded as suddenly as they had co.
Before I realized what was happening, I found myself in a world covered in gray clouds, barely able to stand. I was wearing a shattered, gray armor. It was supposed to protect , but the broken pieces were digging into my flesh, hurting .
"Why are you doing this...?"
My whole body was writhing in pain when I heard a voice, a voice coming from right in front of . My head lifted up slowly, weakly. My eyes finally left the blood-drenched soil and presented with a better view of where I was.
I was in a huge field, a huge field of corpses and disassembled machines. There was so much blood, bodies, rubble, and machine parts that I couldn't see the ground. It was obviously a long battle, but it was also near the end.
No... it had already reached the end. In the distance, a few people were still fighting, but they were so tired and exhausted that their movents were slow. Apart from that, one side was rcilessly killing the soldiers of the other side.
Yet all this was in the background. For , this battle was not very aningful. Because what my eyes were focused on was the man standing in front of .
He was completely different from , we were like two sides of the sa coin. Like , his whole body was covered in blood, perhaps that was the only similarity between us. Yet even in this... there was a contrast.
The blood on the man was not his. His armor was still intact, and it looked like it would stay that way. He had killed who knows how many people with his spear, which was clearly a weapon of quality.
With his tall stature, his shining armor, and his mighty weapon... he was magnificent.
"Why is a normal, weak soldier like you... on his deathbed... standing before ? Why are you here when you know you're dying?"
What's going on? I don't know... I don't understand. Who am I? Why am I here...?
I need to focus on these questions, I know that, but... now, when I hear these words from this man, why do I feel like I need to give him an answer?
Why does this burning desire inside override even my logic, and make feel as if my whole existence depends on it?
If so... no, even if not... I will.
I thought briefly about what I should say, then realized that thinking was pointless. I reached for the first thoughts that appeared in my mind, words born directly from my desires.
"Is death... sothing I should be afraid of?"
I smiled, looking into the eyes of the man in front of .
"You are strong. You have a solid armor and a sword. In this battl-"
For a mont I felt sothing rising in my throat, then I coughed painfully. Blood trickled from my mouth, slowly running down the sides of my lips and down to my neck. Yet I continued, all too aware that my death was imminent.
"You have killed hundreds, maybe thousands, maybe many more in this war... For what?"
The man frowned, a blue glint this ti in his eyes, the color of which I could not quite make out.
"I may be weak, perhaps frail, but..."
mories flashed through my mind, mories that I wasn't sure were mine.
A woman and a man, a small child standing in the middle... They were waving, their eyes looking into mine. With longing, sadness, and... regret.
At first, I thought I was walking away from them, but... no.
They were the ones walking away. They were leaving, while I was staying behind.
They may have regretted it, but I didn't.
"At least I have a purpose. I have a purpose for being here. So what if I die? So what if I survive...? Isn't dying as much a blessing as surviving, at least as long as I leave no regrets behind..."
The man sighed deeply and pointed his spear at .
"You say you're not afraid of death, huh."
His eyes grew cold, his gaze serious. He mumbled sothing I couldn't hear, did nothing for a few seconds, as if waiting for my reaction.
He was wrong, he misunderstood . I... was afraid of dying. Dying was perhaps one of the things I feared most in this world. Because dying also ant that I would walk away from the precious things in my life. It ant that I would leave them behind, that I would never see them again.
But at the sa ti, without them, there was no aning in dying. It was just like an eternal sleep, it didn't matter. If I was dying for those I left behind, if I was stepping into this eternal sleep for them... then dying was just an eternal peace."
So that's how I gave my answer.
"As long as I have no reason to be afraid, as long as I leave nothing behind... my answer is no."
I smiled and turned my eyes to the sky. He answered with the sa indifference, sighing.
"So be it."
The sky turned upside down, and as the whole world spun, I watched first my own body, then the foot of the man on the ground in front of , and then his back turned as he moved forward.
The world slowly faded into darkness.
*******
The darkness lightened again, slowly this ti.
I tried to move my body, but sothing was blocking . I tried even harder, this ti with more force on my arms... It still didn't work.
So I stopped trying to move and focused on my surroundings.
As my eyes slowly beca clearer, a few sounds finally entered my ears. Soone was crying, a few people were shouting, and soone was talking incessantly in a raised voice.
Since I still couldn't make sense of the voices, I looked at the world as it beca clearer and clearer, at least trying to grasp sothing.
The sky was cloudless, blue. The sun was right above , beating its heat on my hair and the back of my neck. No... it was hitting my whole body, I was not wearing any clothes. It was... uncomfortable.
I was on high ground, because I could only see the ground if I tilted my head a lot, and there was a considerable distance between and it. Apart from that, there were dozens, maybe hundreds of people surrounding . So were looking at with disgust, so with sadness, so with anger.
It was at this point that I began to hear the man speaking in a loud voice.
"Today, here, we will burn this devil!"
His words were followed by shouts from the crowd that had gathered around .
"Burn him!"
"Devil!"
"Die, asshole!"
Yet, apart from those who insulted , there were also those who wept. Their lips did not open, maybe they were afraid of the crowd around them, but the expression on their faces was enough for to understand what they were feeling.
That's when I realized why I couldn't move my body, I was tied, bound tightly with a rope to a piece of wood.
"Any last words, devil?"
The bearded old man standing at the front of the crowd, just below the spot where I was tied, fixed his cold eyes on .
All his hair was gray, he was so old that he even had a slight hunchback. Yet his stern gaze and booming voice emphasized that his age didn't matter.
"Are you going to keep quiet?"
I took my eyes off the old man and turned them to the sky.
What could I say? I had no idea who I was, I didn't know why I was here.
I was just a... nobody who opened his eyes here.
"See you in hell, then."
The old man held his hand out to the side. Then soone in the crowd handed him a burning torch.
"Burn! Return to the flas where you belong and continue your eternal tornt in hell!"
The crowd shouted sothing I couldn't make out behind him, a religious affirmation perhaps.
Then the old man threw the torch down at my feet.
The blue sky was suddenly filled with smoke, a mixture of gray and black. The first thing I felt was the heat in my feet as the flas slowly rose up from the ground.
The only sound I could hear from the crowd was insults, waiting for my death for no reason... yet I was calm. I should have been afraid of the flas, I should have been afraid of death, but... I was calm.
"Burn! Burn more, demon!"
The old man's voice echoed again, and the flas, which had been slowly rising until now, suddenly burst into flas.
The deep blue sky suddenly turned red. The slight warmth I could feel in my feet suddenly spread throughout my body.
Still... the flas were not scary.
Am I really a demon?
The flas hurt, they are hotter than I can imagine, but... why don't I scream? Why don't these flas that will take my life from seem like an 'end'?
Could I really be... a demon, as this whole crowd is calling ?
I let myself go into the flas while my skin and eyes were lting.
The lting of my body while I was still alive caused trendous pain. Yet this pain was what was keeping alive now.
The flas were not scary, yes, but... after those few seconds, another thought sprouted in my mind.
The thought of death, of my impending 'end' filled my mind for a mont.
Thinking, knowing that I was going to die... made tremble a little.
What did I leave behind?
Did I have any regrets? Had I achieved my purpose during my lifeti?
If I knew who I was here, what I was... would I feel happiness or sadness when I die now...?
The more the unknown wrapped around my mind, the more I doubted, and all this doubt raised death as an even more frightening presence in my mind.
It was at this mont that I heard a voice echoing in my mind; a child's voice.
'Dying... is it not really the end?'
This ti I heard a laugh, and then I felt as if I was stroking the child's hair.
'Of course, death is an end.'
This ti the boy sounded confused, he tried to speak again, but the other voice beat him to it.
'Rember what I said. Death is an end, but it is also a beginning, my little friend.'
The flas took my eyes from completely, my world was plunged into darkness. Yet I was alive, the voices I heard echoing in my head.
'Do not be afraid of death. Don't shy away from life, of course. Move forward to the point where death is inevitable. When the ti cos, accept it. Step into the beginning behind the end, then you will understand it much better.'
A comfort I couldn't make sense of suddenly enveloped my whole body.
Maybe it's bullshit, but... I'll believe it.
The point where death was inevitable...
There's nothing I can do now, is there...?
Then... I have to surrender myself to it and start a new beginning...
For a mont, I felt a sense of relief, a senseless peace enveloped my whole body.
Death was no longer painful or thought-provoking.
After all, the sa death had brought with it these sweet feelings. It was not an end. It was accompanying as I was moving toward my end; as I was approaching a new beginning.
It was a guide.
Maybe that's why, even though I died... I could hear a new light appearing, another door opening in eternity.
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