1st Ti
“I love you, Kazu.”
I don’t care. I don’t have ti to worry about love now.
23rd Ti
“I love you, Kazu.”
Give it up already. Saying that isn’t going to change anything.
1,050th Ti
“I love you, Kazu.”
I’m happy. Of course I am; how else am I supposed to feel when soone with a smile as wonderful as hers says she has feelings for ?
13,118th Ti
My brain is stuck in my head like a piece of gum squashed into the pavent by hundreds of shoes. An icky feeling clings to my body, like I’m swimming in a pool of used oil. I’m spinning. Around and around and around and around, like I’m in a washing machine. Nothing about the scenery around changes. It’s only utter darkness and deafening laughter.
I can’t see anything.
It’s repeating.
Over and over, this will continue until my body lts into the darkness. I will spin around and around, repeat over and over, until my cells break up. Again and again.
—I wake up.
Fighting down nausea, I rub my eyes and check where I am.
There’s a blackboard at an angle. I must be in a classroom.
“…Was that a dream just now?”
I’m lying on the floor. I get up, scratching my head.
The classroom looks different from usual. For starters, the positions of the desks have changed. They’ve been pushed together into groups of four and covered with brightly striped tablecloths, and the windows are decorated with individually made paper flowers. On the blackboard, there’s a cute drawing of a maid—probably drawn by a girl—with text written to the right of it:
Cosplay Café
“…Ha-ha.” I chuckle mirthlessly. It’s such a silly thing to see after the nightmare I had. “That’s right. Today is…”
October 10. Saturday.
The school festival.
As soon as I rember, even the babbling around becos comforting.
“What are you doing? Why are you just holding on to that thing and staring off into space?”
I know that voice.
“Hmm? —Hey!”
I turn toward it, but I quickly look away again.
—I—I an, co on, her legs were right there! Perfectly shaped in white knee socks!
“Oh-ho! What’s with that reaction? Have my beautiful legs got you all hot and bothered?”
“N-no!” As I protest, my gaze rises.
Kokone Kirino is grinning down at , dressed in a light-blue maid outfit like Alice from Alice in Wonderland. “Slacking off while everyone’s busy. What were you doing?”
“Uh…”
What was I doing before I fell asleep?
I rember lying down because I was bored and wasn’t sure what else to do. I had stayed up late the night before working on festival preparations, so I guess I must have dozed off.
I can feel sothing cylindrical in my hand. That’s right. I needed so energy, so I was going to eat an Umaibo (my favorite flavor, corn potage). Umaibo are like energy drinks for , and yet they’re only ten yen. So cheap. Let’s all buy so.
Thinking I’d better get back to work, I bite down on the thing in my hand.
—Clack.
“…Um?”
This is too hard for an Umaibo.
“Y-you think you can just play my alto recorder right here in the classroom…?!”
“Huh?” I look at what’s in my right hand. For so unknown reason, I’m holding an alto recorder instead of an Umaibo. “Wh-what?”
“Ewwwww, perv! What’s wrong with you?!” Kokone screams.
“…U-um? N-no, no, y-y-you’ve got it all wrong!”
“Ewww, he wants to lick my recorder! His tongue’s gonna be all over it! He’s gonna take it ho and put it on his family’s altar! He’s gonna start blowing soap bubbles with it! Yeah, he’s gonna be playing a cheerful little song and blowing bubbles!”
“What kind of pervert is that?!”
—But try as I might, I really don’t recall picking up an alto recorder.
Which ans…
I let out a big sigh. Now that I’ve cald down, I ask Kokone slowly, “Hey… You switched my Umaibo for the recorder, didn’t you?”
This had to be one of Kokone’s pranks.
“Um, what are you talking about?” she asks, playing dumb. “Why would I do sothing like that? What sort of ntal state would make want so boy’s mouth on my recorder? We aren’t even dating. What high school girl would do that?”
“You tell .”
“God, use so common sense! An innocent teenage girl would never do this, right? You know that, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“So you stole my recorder yourself and played it. That’s the only answer. You’re a pervert. Admit it. I’m not letting you off the hook until you do.”
“Co on…”
“Say ‘I’m a pervert.’”
At this point, fighting back would only make things worse. I surrender completely. “I’m a pervert.”
“Okay, now… ‘I’m a pervert. I stare at the spots girls missed when they were shaving and get off on their humiliation.’ Go ahead.”
“I’m a pervert. I stare at the spots girls missed when they were shaving and get off on their humiliation. I’m especially into armpits.”
“Eep! A-a pervert! Stay away!”
Why’s she acting legitimately creeped out? It’s kind of ridiculous, considering she’s the one who made say it.
“By the way, Kokone. You look good as a maid.”
“Wow, way to change the subject. Well, I was starting to get bored anyway, so I guess it’s okay… So, my maid outfit. It definitely is cute. I look good no matter what I wear, right? No one else cos close, don’t you think?”
“Of course. I’ve never seen anyone as beautiful as you; water is wet; et cetera.”
“What’s with the weak complints?! You’re the one who started it!”
I do think she’s cute, but I can’t react any other way when soone’s just tooting their own horn…
“Maybe you’re upset because my maid outfit doesn’t show off my chest enough? You’re saying I need to put my E-cup boobs out there more and seduce you!”
No, I’m not.
“So not only are you a recorder-blowing sicko with an armpit fetish, you’re a knee sock–loving mazophiliac! When they said it’s always the quiet ones, they were talking about you! These E-cup boobs— O-ow!”
Soone bonks Kokone on the head before her loud rant can go on any more.
“Ugh…”
The one responsible is Daiya Oomine. He looks annoyed.
He’s recently been wearing his hair black, and his left earlobe is full of holes with no earrings to fill them and break school rules. His handso features and cynical attitude led to him being nicknad “the Renegade Prince.”
That said, he has lightened up a bit as of late—and there’s no better proof than the butler outfit he’s agreed to wear for the school festival, just because his classmates told him to. That would never have happened before.
But if a butler were ever actually this cynical, he’d get fired on the first day for mouthing off to his mistress… Wait…maybe there’d actually be a demand for them?
Anyway, even though Daiya is rough on everybody, including , he does put the brakes on Kokone when she starts to get carried away.
“Thanks for stepping in, Daiya. Tell her to cut it out.”
“You’re right…”
Daiya would normally say sothing like: Now, this is a real eyesore. You can doll yourself up all you want, but there’s no hiding who you are inside. They say the clothes make the woman, but this is just lipstick on a pig.
More or less anyway.
As I wait for the storm, Daiya begins his sarcastic quip.
“Don’t flirt with other guys in front of ; it makes jealous.”
I’m sorry?
Um, what?
Is… Is Daiya blushing…?
“…Whoa, whoa, whoa.” I’m confused.
Wh-what’s going on here…? A lot has happened between the two of them, and I know they started going out recently, but still…!
“Ah, uh…” Kokone’s face grows red as I watch, suggesting that she wasn’t ready for that, either. “H-hey…! I—I don’t like anyone but you, Daiya…so don’t worry…” Kokone’s voice gets softer and softer; she’s acting extrely feminine now.
“Don’t you think you’re letting your guard down around Kazu too much?”
“He’s a friend! That’s all!”
“Hmph, I guess that’s fine. I just think you don’t fully realize how attractive that side of you really is, so it bothers to see you doing that.”
“O-okay. If you say so. I’ll be careful.”
Once her embarrassnt fades, Kokone smirks as if an idea popped into her head. She then plants her head against Daiya’s chest and rubs it around.
…Man, they’re just going at it like I’m not even here. Get a room, guys.
“Oh…did you change your cologne?”
“Surprised you noticed.”
“I sll you every day. I’d know. But cologne is against school rules. You’re not supposed to be wearing it.”
“Says the one bleaching her hair.”
“You’re the one who told I look better with brown hair than black. I’m fine with wearing glasses again and even keeping my hair black, but I’m not changing anything if this is what you prefer.”
“Yeah, it does look nice on you. You don’t need to go back to how you were. I like you this way. But that’s not what we were talking about, was it?”
“…Yeah.” She looks at Daiya through her lashes. “…You look so good as a butler. Hey, hey. Say ‘Welco ho, my lady’!”
“Dumbass. You think I’d say that? You say ‘Welco ho, Master.’”
“Fiiiine. Welco ho, Master… Hey, next ti I go to your place, I’ll put this on and say it!”
I can’t take this anymore.
What the hell…?! Th-they’re being all lovey-dovey! Kokone is one thing, but what’s up with Daiya?! I never wanted to see him like this! Who are you, and what have you done with Daiya?!
“Kazu. Why’re you staring with your mouth hanging open like an idiot?”
“D-don’t ask what’s wrong! Quit showing off how flirty you are!”
“We have to. I’m popular with girls, so if I don’t demonstrate that I have a girlfriend, then there could be all sorts of problems.”
“…I have a lot I could say about that, but I’ll keep it to myself for now—anyway, aren’t you embarrassed?”
“I don’t recall dating soone I’d be embarrassed to be seen with.”
Says the guy whose cheeks are turning red.
“…You aren’t embarrassed to be with ?”
“I’m actually proud of it.”
“Hee…hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.”
“Hm-hm.”
“Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.”
“Hm-hm-hm.”
Enough already! I don’t want to hear this!
As my face turns even redder than theirs, soone places their hand on my shoulder. I turn around.
“They’re terrible, aren’t they? They’re just showing off in front of the two single guys—what else would they be doing?!”
It’s Haruaki Usui, a mutual friend of all of ours.
“Exactl— Hey!” I start to nod in agreent, but then I see what he’s wearing and jump away.
He’s cosplaying, too, but for so reason, he’s wearing the girls’ uniform from another school. His broad shoulders more than fill out the uniform, but the top reaches only to his belly button, revealing the green shirt he has on underneath. The skirt is covering a pair of brawny baseball player legs, drawing attention to the muscles underneath. You could have at least shaved!
More importantly, why isn’t he embarrassed? Is this his house or sothing?
“Aw man, I want a cute girl, too. You’re the only one on my side, Hosshi.”
“……Psh.” I brush his hand off my shoulder.
“Huh? What’s wrong, Hosshi? You’re being so cold.”
“…I know what’s going on, Haruaki,” I tell him quietly, in a voice I don’t normally use.
“…What do you know?”
“Apparently, you’ve been getting close with a girl from another school lately. Word is you even went on a date.”
“Urk.”
“…Aha! I got it! That uniform belongs to the girl you’re dating, right?”
“……”
A tight smile rises on Haruaki’s face, but he says nothing. Looks as if I was right on the money.
“I’m the only one on your side, huh? You’ve got so nerve saying that to when you’ve been doing your fair share of flirting yourself. It’s a blatant assault on all of us singles.”
I point this out to Haruaki with a sickeningly sweet smile.
“…No…it’s just… Ya see, we aren’t going out or anything. It’s all still up in the air. I guess it simply feels easier for to keep playing the guy none of the girls want…”
“Ptooey!” I pretend to spit. “You’re like one of those rich guys who gets off on acting holess!” I chuckle, still smiling that fawning smile.
“Y-you really gotta take it that far? I’m not sure I get the comparison, either… I an, if you’re gonna bring that up, then what about you?”
“What about ?”
“Kasumi— Mmgh!”
Kokone covers Haruaki’s mouth the instant he says her na.
As for , I go completely red and snap my mouth shut, too.
After all, Kasumi Mogi is the na of the girl I’m in love with.
Th-that’s odd. Why would Haruaki ntion her even though I’ve never talked about this before?
Kokone whispers into Haruaki’s ear in a hushed voice. “…You idiot, Haru. Their relationship is still fragile… Just leave it be…”
“…Oh, really? …But c’mon, it’s obvious they both like each other…”
“…That’s why you need to drop it! If we get involved in their romance, it’ll make things weird… The two of them can’t imagine taking it anywhere…”
“…Seriously? What’re they, in elentary school or sothing…?”
Uh, I can totally hear you guys.
B-but wh-what’re they saying about us both liking each other? That’s not possible. Mogi does smile at a lot, but…that’s—that’s just because she’s a cheerful person. And she only asks for help a lot because I’m easy to ask.
…Yeah. Yeah. That has to be it.
But.
But if the two of them are saying it, then maybe she really
“Kazu.”
“Eep!”
I yelp when I hear the voice of the very person I’m thinking about, and whirl around in a panic.
“U-um?” The slim girl in the wheelchair, Kasumi Mogi, stares at , wide-eyed at my dramatic reaction. “Why did you scream? Do I not look good as a nurse…?”
Mogi’s mouth shuts, and she lowers her head. She’s wearing a pink nurse’s uniform in her wheelchair.
E-even Mogi is cosplaying…
I was so startled that now my heart is thumping like crazy. It’s so loud; can’t everyone hear it? Flustered, I can’t look her in the eye.
Of course you look good; how could you not?! Everyone knows my fetish for licking up tears, but I’m into maids and nurses, too! (Full disclosure.) You’d be cute even without the nurse cosplay!
I have to make sure she knows!
As Mogi gazes up at expectantly, I tell her what I think.
“You look great! You’re really cute!”
“C-cu—”
“It’s true! Supercute! Insanely cute!”
“~~~~~!!”
Mogi turns bright red and looks down at her lap.
Huh? What’s wrong? All I did was give her my honest opinion.
“Oh boy, here we go again with Hosshi and his oblivious charisma that gets him all the girls.”
“I’ve started to think lately that it’s all deliberate.”
“No way. That’d be too devious for him.”
“Those innocent-looking guys can get laid easier than you think. They can tell exactly what housewives really want. I learned this from won’s comics.”
Haruaki and Kokone are roasting here.
“H-h-hey…!” Mogi speaks up to cut them off. She stutters from her embarrassnt, but she pulls herself together and looks at .
“Yeah?” I say.
“I’m in your hands today, Kazuki.”
She bows her head.
“In my hands”…?
The words light a fire in my heart, even though I have no idea what they an. But Haruaki, Kokone, and now even Daiya are smirking at … Oh. Now I know what she’s getting at.
Today, I’m going to spend the whole school festival with Mogi, showing her around.
After losing the ability to walk in an accident, Mogi is still in rehab, so she hasn’t completely returned to school.
That being the case, her classmates wanted to help her be a part of the school festival, to show her that she’s one of us.
We thought of various ways she could enjoy the festival without any inconveniences. As we were talking it over, we realized soone would need to accompany her the entire day, and for whatever reason, it was unanimously decided that that person would be .
I gladly agreed, of course. It’s not a bad thing at all. Obviously, I’m delighted at the chance to spend ti with Mogi. To tell the truth, I think it’d be wonderful if the mories of this festival make the ti she spends in physical therapy a little easier.
Mogi’s head is still lowered, but I smile at her. “I’m the one who’s counting on you, Mogi,” I tell her, and then I bow.
“Oh! Hey…! Um, I’m sure I’m going to be a burden, so thank you.” Mogi bobs her head at again.
“Please don’t hesitate to ask whatever you want. I’m not entirely confident I can make this fun, but I’ll do my best.”
Bow.
“Ah…! Don’t bow! I’m happy to hang out with you! So thank you, really!”
Bow.
“Eh-heh.”
Bow.
“Eh-heh-heh.”
Bow.
Bow, bow, bow, bow.
I’m not sure why, but we keep bowing to each other with embarrassed grins on our faces.
“Tei-YAH!”
“Ow!”
A mont later, Haruaki clonks on the head.
“You’re an, Haruaki…”
“That’s what you get! You were just on my case because I had a date!”
…Well, I guess I am in a pretty happy place here. He’s not wrong.
“Hey, Hoshino. You’ve stayed in the classroom long enough, so get moving,” calls our class president, Miyazaki. He sounds slightly annoyed. He’s not especially pissed off at us; that’s his default attitude.
“Guess we’ll head out, then,” I say to him, taking the handles of the wheelchair. “Let’s go, Mogi.”
“Okay!”
And with that, I begin pushing the wheelchair.
Yep, this is it.
This is how the best day ever starts again.
“…………Huh?”
Again?
Sothing feels ever so slightly wrong—but when Mogi turns around with a smile, that feeling vanishes.
No matter where you are in the world, school festivals always end with a bonfire… I’m lying. The truth is, I have no idea how widespread the practice is.
The students are doing a folk dance to “Turkey in the Straw” in the red glow.
Earlier, we stumbled across a first-year couple confessing their feelings for each other (boy, was that a surprise!), and now they’re holding hands happily. We didn’t stick around to watch the whole thing, but it would seem it was a success.
Further back, Kokone and Daiya are dancing, having changed back into their school uniforms. The two of them have a complicated past that made their relationship pretty thorny. And still, they confronted this past and decided to be together. I’m sure what happened before will eventually create more hardship for them down the road. But for now, that doesn’t matter, and they are dancing in apparent bliss.
Mogi is back in her school clothes, too, sitting in her wheelchair and staring into the rippling flas. Her gaze is intense, as if she’s trying to engrave this mont deeply into her mory.
These special monts don’t co often. I may only be in my second year of high school, but I can tell that much. These bright, youthful mories are the treasures of a lifeti, ones that I will tightly hold on to forever.
I’m sure that goes for Kokone and Daiya and most of the other students here. This school festival will beco a story to rember when they get older. Not all of those stories may be fun ones, but this special day will most likely have an ongoing significance in their lives.
After all, it’ll never co again.
Observing the dancing couples, Mogi softly mutters, “It must be nice.”
I react with a start. I an, Mogi can’t dance in her condition. She notices my surprise and waves her hand vigorously.
“Oh, it’s not what you’re thinking! I’m not sad because I can’t dance! I’m just jealous that they can be together on such a special day!”
I instantly know she’s telling the truth; her expression is perfectly content.
“Kazu.”
We did spend all day together, so I understand how she feels.
“Back when I ended up like this, I had this thought…that I could never be happy again, at least not in the normal way. Maybe I could force myself to be cheerful, maybe I could find the bright side here or there, but no matter what, my condition would always haunt . I thought that, even when I had a smile on my face, it would always be lingering in my mind sowhere.”
What she’s saying has a self-deprecating edge to it, but Mogi’s expression is peaceful.
“But you know, I never felt any frustration or depression about it today. Not even once; it’s true! This is huge! I really want to dance with you, but the fact is that I can’t—and you know what? I’m completely fine with that. And I’m not lying to myself because I don’t have a choice or sothing; I’m just thinking it’s okay because I’m still happy anyway. Isn’t that amazing?”
I grin and nod deeply.
“I’ve enjoyed today, truly, and I’m so happy with myself for it.” Mogi squeezes my hand. “Thank you for helping feel this way.”
I’m sure the red tint on her cheeks is more than the firelight. As I see her expression, I know what she’s going to say next.
“I love you, Kazu.”
That smile is more beautiful than anything in the world. No exaggeration—that’s really what I think. And this smile is for and alone. Of course nothing in the world could make happier. I would do anything to protect this smile!
This feeling welling in my chest is almost too much to contain and threatens to spill out of my mouth. Every cell in my body is jumping for joy.
This is the greatest day in my life, bar none.
This day…
This day that I want to repeat over and over again…
“Ah……”
—This charade is a pile of horseshit.
A cold breeze joins the warm one brushing my cheek, and the knifelike chill instantly cools the madness in my head.
Man, this place is disgusting. The tender scene in shades of red looks like an oil painting now, covered in a sheen of strangeness. And that’s all it is: an empty image.
“Heh-heh—,” I laugh with contempt. I was such an idiot to not rember until now.
“…Kazu?”
Mogi’s head is tilted in confusion at the sudden change. But I ignore her and look at my right hand.
I knew it. The scar is missing.
—The resolution I made to save Maria has vanished.
I can’t use my ability to destroy Boxes in this state.
I look into Mogi’s wide eyes.
I’m happy she let know how she feels. Her feelings are unmistakably sincere, and after so many loops, I’ve grown more and more attracted to her, until my feelings for her beca real, too.
I’m completely in love with her.
But there is nothing beyond this tale. It ends with her professing her feelings and reciprocating. No further developnts.
Yeah, now that I think about it, I’ve been through this before. My role was different, but I experienced it in the Rejecting Classroom. Mogi confessed her love to countless tis. She was glad her feelings were reciprocated, but she still despaired because it never went beyond that. Just as before, it’s all worthless.
Yes, comfortable though it may be, this world is a lie. No matter how happy it seems, that happiness will always be fake. Right?
I an—she isn’t here.
Maria isn’t here.
This is a world that functions on the premise of her absence. A happy ending, of a sort. Maybe we could have found ourselves living this life if she hadn’t brought the Boxes into our midst. Maybe it was all the fault of O, of the Misbegotten Happiness.
By bringing in the anomaly of the Boxes, Maria has proved harmful to us.
But—
“It doesn’t matter.”
—I live. I live only for Maria.
“…Kazu? What’s wrong?”
While this situation is exactly like the one from the Rejecting Classroom way back when, I doubt Mogi is trying to seduce again. But I can’t imagine it’s a total coincidence, either. Maria was affected by spending such a long ti in that world of repetition. Because of that, her Misbegotten Happiness gained a power similar to the Rejecting Classroom’s.
Naly, the ability to maintain a life of eternal bliss.
It’s all a sham, though—just a loop of a single day.
That’s right: My enemy, O, intentionally captured and threw into this realm.
The mont I accept this happiness, the mont I decide I’m okay with Maria’s absence, I will have lost to O, and I will remain a prisoner here.
That’s why I have to say what I’m about to say to Mogi. For the two of us for whom tomorrow will never, ever arrive, this relationship leaves only one reply.
“…Wait until tomorrow,” I tell her in a strained voice—then I turn my back on Mogi and run off.
“K-Kazu…?!”
Ignoring her calls for to stop, I enter the school and bound up the stairs to the roof. As soon as I open the door, the light of the setting sun shines into my eyes.
“Huff…huff…huff…”
If I’m going to resist the repetition of these days, I need to hold on to my mories.
In the Rejecting Classroom, it was the shock of seeing Mogi or Maria get hit by a truck that allowed to keep my mory intact.
I’m not sure, but I should be able to pull it off this ti, too, if I do sothing similar. And I knew how the mont I decided to co here.
Jump off the roof!
I run toward the chain-link fence as fast as I can. Dashing with everything I have dispels the fear that would otherwise hold my legs to the ground.
Leaping into the fence and grabbing on, I climb until I’m standing on top of it.
“
Oh.”
The distant ground enters my field of vision.
I am about to slam onto that hard surface.
Terror seizes in an instant, and my legs go rigid. My excitent has cooled almost instantly, and now my mind is coming up with a whole litany of excuses: Killing yourself is crazy. Get back down there and accept Mogi’s feelings. It’s stupid to fixate on Maria alone. What’s wrong with a world where everyone besides her is happy? Just reconsider don’t jump don’t die don’t think forget forget forget
“Sh… Shut uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!”
I jump off the fence as hard as I can.
I float across the crimson sky, and I picture it.
I picture myself leaping over the world.
For a mont, a crack appears in this supposedly flawless realm. The darkness I can glimpse beyond it is proof that this place is false. It lasts for only an instant, though. The world quickly conceals the darkness as if nothing happened.
What awaits after that is reality, and I’m plunging downward headfirst.
I slam into the coldhearted, unrelenting, rciless ground.
Splat.
With the sound of my skull and everything in it being crushed, my consciousness—
13,189th Ti
—stays.
My brains should be spilling out after my fall, but I find myself lying on the floor of the classroom. My classmates are bustling around in preparation for the school festival.
Sitting up, I set the alto recorder in my hand on the floor.
“Ah, ngh…”
My heart is beating wildly; the scene from just a second ago is burned into my mind. Nervous sweat is pouring down my face. I feel as if I’m about to start puking my guts out at any mont.
I never want to go through sothing like that again. But…I get the feeling I’m probably going to be doing sothing very similar many tis from here on out.
After all—
“It worked.”
—I held on to my mory.
That is the bare minimum for fighting back against this world. I an, if I forget, then I’ll only end up enjoying the day of the festival again. I’ll beco a cog in the machine of this aningless realm.
To prevent this, I’m essentially going to have to commit suicide.
I stand up unsteadily and place my elbows on the desks covered with a tablecloth, letting them support my weight.
O absorbed quite so ti ago. It’s already way in the past, and I can’t rember exactly when. My recollections are faint and hazy, more like a scene from a movie than events that actually happened to . I have repeated today—the day of the festival—and its blissful illusion for a long while.
Unlike before with the Rejecting Classroom, I have no grasp of how many loops I’ve been through. I was able to confirm where I was back then because of Maria, who had held on to her mory and could tell how many tis it had been.
It’s possible I’ve repeated this sa day over ten thousand tis. It’s possible the world itself has started to bleed into . If it has, I can’t tell.
I’ve lost all sense of the real world. I can’t tell the difference between this one and the one that is true. I’m sure it’s a miracle that I even noticed I’m in a ti loop.
If I don’t retain my mories, then sowhere along the way, I’m sure my doubts toward this place will eventually fade. If that happens, then I’ll go through the delightful day of the school festival over and over—ten thousand tis, a million tis, ten billion tis.
This endless day will repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat until I beco like a piece of gum that’s still being chewed even after it’s lost its flavor. I’ll dissolve and disappear down a dark throat.
—How is that any different from death?
“Ungh, ah—”
Fear.
I’m afraid that all aning will be painted over and bleached away, and I’ll lose any value.
And at so point, I won’t even know to be afraid.
“Ngh…!!”
Driven by this fear, I lunge out of the classroom.
I can hear Kokone’s voice calling for to stop, but I can’t let it bother . I have to put an end to this looping world.
Well, I was able to escape from the school as the festival excitent grew, but I quickly co to a halt. I have nowhere to go. I don’t even have anything that might look like a clue.
With the Rejecting Classroom, there was the goal of finding the owner. This ti, though, there is no owner to seek out. I have been pulled into O—in other words, I’m a part of the Misbegotten Happiness, so if there is an owner, then it would be Maria.
But she doesn’t exist in this world. There’s no point in searching for her.
“Still—”
This world is connected to Maria, so it wouldn’t be too crazy if there were so leads to be found sowhere.
“I will find the traces of Maria in this world.”
If I can track those down, then I should discover the beginnings of how to undo this.
I run to several places around town, and my first stop is the apartnt where Maria used to live. The room is empty, just like it is in the real world. Naturally, nothing slls like peppermint, either. I search for quite a bit, but when no clues turn up, I decide to make a circuit of places I visited in the real world with Maria.
Parks, arcades, karaoke parlors, hospitals, amusent parks, family restaurants, coffee shops, barbecue eateries—but not one of them offers up a single hint of her.
There’s no finding them in this world.
In the end, all I’ve done is run around blindly while ti marches rcilessly forward and the sky begins turning red.
It’s almost the sa ti as when I jumped off the roof. I have to pin down my mories again. I have to do sothing suicidal again.
I don’t know where the loop cuts off. If I miss the ti of my jump from the last ti, it’s not crazy to think that my mories will vanish once more.
I have to jump again by the ti I did before!
I don’t want to die, so throwing myself off a roof is strange and terrifying. Of course it is.
But I don’t have any choice.
There’s no reason to believe that I have to jump, or that it has to happen in the sa place as last ti. All the sa, I head to the roof of the school again.
I pass through the gate and head toward the school building, but before I can get there, soone I know stops .
“Hosshi!”
It’s Haruaki. Eyebrows raised, he approaches , pushing a wheelchair.
“Where the hell have you been?! You were supposed to take care of Kasumi today! I know you were looking forward to it! So what gives?!”
He’s justifiably angry.
“I-it’s okay, Haruaki… I’m sure he had a good reason.”
Mogi’s words are kind, but she can’t entirely hide her disappointnt.
—Mogi. I want to explore the festival together without a care in the world, too. I want to see your smile up close… But I can’t.
This world is just a stage; I can’t let it drag in. If I succumb to the temptation, I’ll be trapped in this cycle forever.
Suppressing my feelings, I ask her, “Do you know Maria? Maria Otonashi?”
“…What’re you even talking about at a ti like this, Hosshi? Who is that?” There’s a threatening note in Haruaki’s tone.
“Does that person have sothing to do with why you weren’t here today?”
As I thought, neither of them knows who Maria is.
“Ah…urk…!”
It’s more than I can take. I turn my back on the two of them and run toward the roof.
I have to jump right now. I need to jump right now! I have to die!
What did I find so unbearable?
The two of them didn’t know Maria. I couldn’t sense any trace of her presence from them. But that’s fine. I expected as much.
Then why am I so shocked? Why am I so upset? Why am I in so much pain? Why am I panicking; why am I fleeing?
Nothing felt off or wrong. They don’t know Maria; that should feel strange to , but it doesn’t. I can think of Maria only as if she were a character from a fictional story, an entity from a world I have no ans of interacting with.
As the sole person who has any recollection of Maria, I’m the obvious imposter here.
That’s when I realize sothing.
Maria.
What were you like again?
All that ti must have really done a number on for to be on the verge of forgetting her. This pleasant, false ti is already applying just enough pressure to crush under it.
If I’m going to forget Maria this late in the ga—then why persist in this lonely struggle?
“Huff…huff…huff…”
Spurring my legs into action to drive away my doubts, I sprint to the rooftop.
I open the door to see a world dyed red. There’s no ti left.
“I love you, Kazu.”
This world is wonderful. I want to stay here.
But I shake my head furiously. I won’t lose my way. I don’t want to lose my way. I must not lose my way. Not giving myself ti to hesitate, I climb the chain-link fence and stand atop it.
I fall.
I flip upside down, and the contents of my head splatter.
13,190th Ti
Back in the classroom in the morning, I confirm I still have my mory and stand up.
But a wave of dizziness imdiately washes over . My hands are trembling when I press them to my forehead. Jumping to my own death is inflicting so deep psychological wounds.
—How long can I keep doing this?
I shake my head to get rid of the weakness. I can’t think anymore. Show one opening in my heart, and this repeating world will instantly carry away.
“…Okay.”
Let’s investigate the school from top to bottom this ti. I’ll walk around and thoroughly question everyone who ever interacted with Maria in any way.
I’m sure I’ll be in even more trouble for ignoring Mogi than I was last ti, since I’m sticking around school. All the sa, I will see it through… I will see it through.
“
Ha…”
I can see the red sky as I rest against the door of the roof. Another day ends without a single lead.
I broke Mogi’s heart and interrogated my classmates until they snapped at , and this is all I have to show for it. None of them had heard of Maria, and I didn’t find any information connected to her, either.
“
Heh, ha-ha.”
All I can do is force myself to laugh. I’m totally wiped out. Perhaps not getting any sleep in all these successive loops is having an effect, because my brain is exhausted, and I can’t walk straight. I want to take a break. I don’t want to think about anything. I want to run. I want to run away. I want to go back to the day when I just had fun at the festival with Mogi. Once is enough.
But I can’t.
If I taste that sweet world again, I’ll lose the will to resist this repetition.
So I have to jump again.
Kill myself.
“……I really am insane.”
—What the hell kind of logic is this? Why do I have to keep hurting myself over and over again? Is what I’m trying to accomplish really worth it?
I plunge from the rooftop without thinking any further.
Splat. The contents of my head splatter again.
13,191st Ti
My mories stay with , but I remain on the floor of the classroom, unable to get to my feet. Sothing is telling I have to, but my mind and body won’t connect. I want so hope, even if it’s as tiny as a grain of sand. Even the glimr of a miniature light bulb. I want so forward progress—a single step.
My body is heavy as lead as I force myself to my feet.
This ti yields no fruit, either.
I collapse onto my back on the rooftop. No one knows of Maria. There isn’t a trace of her to be found here.
“Ngh…ngh…”
I’m crying. I don’t want to jump anymore. I don’t want to have these painful thoughts anymore. I don’t want to see Mogi so sad. I hate all of it.
I can’t give up, though, so I jump. Splat. The contents of my head spill across the ground.
Just kill !
13,192nd Ti
But it continues. My mory continues. I brought this suffering on myself, but I’m suffering all the sa, and I start screaming right there in the classroom. Everyone’s staring, but I just can’t take this anymore.
“Dammit… Dammit,” I spit like a curse, wiping away my tears after I’ve finished sobbing for a while. “I won’t give up.”
I will never, ever give up.
13,201st Ti
I gaze at the red sky from the roof.
How many tis have I repeated the sa day? Probably still only around ten.
I’ve already run out of things to do. There’s nothing of Maria to be found anywhere.
I am trapped within this repeating world. No way out.
What exactly is it that I’m supposed to do? Do I still have to keep fighting? Is it wrong to lose the mories I’ve kept from before? Haven’t I tried hard enough? Can’t I just rest now?
My thoughts are attacking in an attempt to make accept my fate. The assault is ongoing, never-ending. All I can think about is running away.
But I’m already trapped in the snare. I don’t know if what I’m doing ans anything; I don’t know if it’s right. But I am still bound by my fixation on bringing Maria back into my normal life.
I jump.
The contents of my head splatter.
Ah-ha-ha, I bet soon my head will be too empty to splatter, huh?
13,445th Ti
I’ve made the leap over 250 tis now. Died over 250 tis. When I look down from the roof, I can see the bonfire below. The Oklahoma Mixer is so far away. I can’t see the point.
I stopped thinking quite a while ago. It was becoming a nuisance.
It’s rare to even have aningful words pop into my head as they are now.
But I jump from the roof. I add another dead to that invisible mountain of corpses.
I’m no longer considering why.
Splat, splat.
14,590th Ti
Who’s Maria?
I jump.
Splat, splat.
14,688th Ti
Corpses. Five hundred of them.
Kazuki Hoshino is a machine that leaps to its own demise.
14,888th Ti
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
15,233rd Ti
“ ”
18,900th Ti
“ ”
22,000th Ti
“ ”
26,000th Ti
“
”
27,500th Ti
“
”
27,756th Ti
“Ah…? Oh?”
Words suddenly return to as I look at the red sky from the roof.
“…The sunset.”
I have no idea how many days it’s been since the last ti this happened. The setting sun and the act of jumping have beco aningless phenona in my mindless haze.
“It’s pretty.” It’s a miracle I can feel sothing so normal. I don’t know how many school festivals have gone by. I don’t have any recent mories, either.
Now, for a mont, I’m human again.
I’m sure it really is just a fluke, though, and if I let it slip by, then I’ll revert from a human back to a thing. A pointless thing that automatically watches the sunset and jumps off a roof.
Yes… I must make a decision. I’ve taken my own life ti and ti again to escape the days of repetition. However, all I’ve done is imprison myself in a different cycle. I’m trapped, and I have to accept this outco. I have to make the decision to stop these empty iterations.
I have to stop jumping.
I have to give up on her.
—Are you okay with that?
The question cos from who I once was, from soone who was once obsessed solely with bringing her back to his normal life and who has now been reduced to a shell. He’s the culprit who took away my mind. He’s the one who makes jump.
—Are you okay with that?
I’m not. I want to save myself. I want to save her. I’m sure she was once more important to than anything. I once thought I had to rescue her, even if ant sacrificing my life and the lives of everyone else.
And yet…
And yet—
—what was her na again?
The cycle of days has blotted out her face. If that was my enemy’s plan, then I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I’m going to forget about her in the enormity of ti. I won’t be able to save her, and if I did, it would be aningless.
I am completely and utterly defeated.
“But that’s okay…right?”
I’ve fought enough. I don’t recall how many days I’ve looped through, but the number is terrifyingly high. It has to be on par with the Rejecting Classroom in the past. Continue this futile struggle, and it’ll only break .
…No, I broke a long ti ago.
If I don’t erase my mories of this fight, the lunatic I’ve beco will never disappear.
I know this, but my legs won’t let walk away from the rooftop. They’re just waiting for an opening to take up on the fence and jump. It’s in my nature now.
Don’t be stupid! Quit getting in the way! Hitting my thighs over and over, I make them stop. This is as far as it goes! Listen! Give it up! Once they finally hurt so much that they can hardly lift themselves, they finally break their habit of willfully seeking death.
“Huff…huff…”
Dragging my heavy legs, I force myself away from the roof and descend the steps one by one, breathing raggedly.
“…Let’s go back.”
Think of sothing fun.
“…Let’s go back.”
Think of Mogi’s face.
“Let’s go back…and have fun at the school festival.”
I head toward a world of happiness. I don’t care that it’s fake.
I leave the entrance and make for the schoolyard. I can see the flas of the bonfire. I can hear “Turkey in the Straw.”
Yeah, it’s been so long since I’ve been back to the festival.
If—if I really have returned, then I have to go to Mogi. I have to tell her what I could never bring myself to say before.
That will be my farewell to the girl whose na I can’t rember.
My legs grow lighter and lighter, as if my resolve dispelled the curse that turned them to lead. My heart that had frozen over in the void is warming up again, a little bit at a ti.
And in the center of my heart is the face of the girl I love.
“Kazu…?” When I arrive at the fire, the girl in the wheelchair spots and rolls closer.
“What happened today?
“That wasn’t like you; are you okay? You look pale.
“…If you’re up to it, maybe we can at least enjoy the bonfire?” She does her best to put on a smile as she reaches out to gently.
It’s not that she isn’t hurt. She had been looking forward to this day more than anything, and I broke my promise.
“………I’m sorry.”
“Huh…? I-it’s okay. I know you probably had sothing to do…”
“I’m sorry!” I can’t hold back the tears anymore.
“U-um…it was just today, so you don’t need to apologize so much…”
It wasn’t just today. I have neglected Mogi and this world all this ti. Everything I’ve done has been for the girl whose na I forgot, not Mogi.
I’ve been betraying the Mogi of this world.
I’ve made up my mind to live in this world now. The events here aren’t phenona that vanish into nothingness but a collection of precious monts. I can never dismiss them again.
I can never kill myself again.
“I love you, Kazu.”
I can never again pretend Mogi’s confession didn’t happen.
Her confession of love has been influencing this entire ti. It stirred and changed my heart, even when it was filled with thoughts of the girl whose na I can’t rember.
I ca to love Mogi more and more.
Just as I did in another repeating world.
The cycles will wash that girl away.
Brushing away my tears, I take Mogi by her delicate shoulders.
“K-Kazu…?”
Now I can respond.
“I love you, Kasumi Mogi.”
Those tears I had wiped away well up again.
“Please be with forever.”
I won’t tell her to wait until tomorrow ever again.
Mogi seems stunned by my sudden profession.
I understand. This ti, Mogi isn’t the one admitting her feelings to . From her viewpoint, it must be bewildering.
All the sa, she blesses with a smile.
“Thank you.”
It’s the smile I love, like a sunflower.
“I want to be with you forever, too.”
Taking each other’s hands, Mogi and I lightly dance the Mayim Mayim. While we can’t quite do it all because of her wheelchair, it’s still enough. At this very mont, I am happy, and there’s no denying that.
I will live in this hollow world of repetition. Even if that seems like a bad ending to an outsider, I can still say with certainty that I am content.
After all, is there any greater joy than forever loving a girl who loves you back?
No. There isn’t.
“Ah-ha.”
That’s why I’m happy.
“Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.
“Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
“Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
“Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”
Thus, my long, long struggle cos to end.
If only it had been so easy.
Reviews
All reviews (0)