The Accidental Necromancer Tissy

I was back on my ladder, this ti with a power drill, when I noticed the demons were getting distracted.

“Is that her?” asked one, a woman whose na I had shortened to Lily.

“It looks like what we were told she looks like,” a male nad Bel sothing or other said.

“Do we bow?”

“She’s one of them.”

“But she’s the --?”

“She might be. But unless I know, I’m not bowing to one of those poncy, snooty, --”

“Don’t get distracted, guys,” I said. “That’s how I fell off a ladder.” Whatever they were talking about was sothing I couldn’t see, on the other side of the windmill.

Oh, let it happen. We need a little physical cody around here.

“And those two trolls aren’t enough?” I asked.

I’d worn a short skirt, because I liked them. And I was on a ladder, so a couple of trolls down below were only half-working. Twice, now, they’d bumped into each other trying to both occupy the sa perfect angle. Twice I’d sent them off to do other things, sowhere else, which motivated them to do the tasks with remarkable alacrity. I knew Gruush was watching them and making sure they did it right, too. Gruush’s motivational style was different than mine, consisting mostly of saying things like, “Nice fingers you have there. Would be a sha if anything happened to them.” He was about six-two, two-hundred and forty pounds, and his thods were effective.

The trolls amused more than they annoyed . Fact was, I liked being ogled. I understood why won got tired of it, but it was still pretty novel to . Also, given my abilities, not to ntion my political power in Abbyland, I wasn’t at all threatened by it.

I wasn’t the only one with a power tool. We’d trained several trolls to use them, and I’d bought extras. We made sure to inventory them all at the end of each day, but they made the work go a lot faster.

“Boss!” Gruush yelled up at .

“Ma’am!” called Bapho.

I flipped the safety on the drill and asked, “What?” I pointed to Gruush. “You first!”

“The windmill blades are ready for inspection,” Gruush said. “But also –”

“Miss ?” asked a familiar voice.

I looked down to see Gren.

“Sha you’re wearing panties,” she said, looking up and ogling. The two trolls who’d been staring all day nodded in agreent, although one of them looked like they were about to have a heart attack at the very idea. I noticed Bapho, who was also down there, trying very hard to suppress a grin.

“Yes, well,” I said.

“Also you have company,” Gruush finished.

I put the drill in my bag and started climbing down the ladder. “I see that. Bapho, what did you need?”

“A word about protocol, Ma’am.”

“I can wait,” Gren said. “Business first.”

I nodded, but gave her a quick kiss anyway. She tasted like sothing familiar, but I was too distracted to place it. “What’s up, Bapho?”

“Well, Ma’am, is that the Archfiendess?”

My view was finally unblocked, and I saw Lysandra. She was wearing a bra and a mid-length skirt, and she was pretty hot. Standing very close to her was a male elf, slightly taller, with blond hair and pretty boy looks. Standing a little too close, I thought.

Then I took a breath. Poly. Lysandra had been in a spot when she had sex with , and if she found soone of her own kind, well, that was fine. If she preferred him to , then I’d have to roll with that too. What we had done had been consensual, but it was also under duress.

“Yes,” I said.

“Well, do we bow?”

Hell if I knew. But I took a stab at it. “Yes. Lysandra! It’s good to see you!”

“It’s good to see you, too, Abby,” she said. She gave a aningful look, and the only problem was that I didn’t know what it ant. Her body language was a bit stiff.

“Lysandra, Gren, this is Bapho, Captain of the Uber Guard. Bapho, this is the Archfiendess and Princess Lysandra, and Princess Gren.”

Bapho bowed, and the rest of the demons stopped work so they could form rows and bow too.

“Abby,” Lysandra said, “This is Professor Tysiel, of the University of Avonia, the world’s premier expert in extra-dinsional portals.”

“Chard,” Tysiel said, with a silky smooth voice. “Queen Abby,” he said, with a ten degree tilt, a sort of half-assed bow. “And Uber Archfiend.”

“Glad you could co to help,” I said.

“I understand that you possess a portal you desire to analyze?” Tysiel said.

“That’s not the only portal he wants to investigate,” Gren said out of the corner of her mouth. It wasn’t a whisper, and I doubted I was the only one who heard it.

Lysandra had a tight look on her face, and I would have given an ounce of gold to know what it ant. Gren’s aning was clear enough, or was it? Did she an hers, or Lysandra’s, or perhaps even mine?

Whatever. I embraced Gren, warmly, and then walked over to Lysandra, feeling a bit uncertain and trying not to let it show.

But once I got close, Lysandra almost hurled herself into my arms. We pressed our bodies close, and I kissed her. She kissed back, hungrily.

The demons cheered.

“I get a boner just watching them,” I heard Bel say, in a voice that probably wasn’t ant to be heard. “Her, with the Archfiend’s hot wife. Mmm.”

“Makes horny too,” Lily said. “Once we get a break, let’s help each other out, shall we?”

“I did what you asked,” Lysandra whispered to . “But I hope I did it in a way you’re happy with. I had to, um, flirt a bit. Anyway, I got the best.”

“I had faith in you,” I said.

She smiled.

“I thought it was worth the detour to co here rather than go straight to you know where,” Gren said. “I hope I made the right call.”

“Really,” Tysiel said, “The princess should be in charge.”

“A princess is in charge,” Gren said.

“The princess,” Tysiel said. “The Archfiendess, if you prefer.”

“Well,” I said, putting so steel in my voice. “I’m in charge, now.”

Again the partial bow. “Of course, Queen Abby.”

Lysandra whispered in my ear. “I think you should mind control him, too.”

“I didn’t –” I started, but stopped. If Lysandra thought she was mind-controlled, there was nothing I could do to prove otherwise. I turned to deal with a different issue. “Gruush?”

“Yes, boss?”

“Can you carry on the work from here? Is there anything you need to know?”

“I got it, boss,” he said. “We won’t make the sa kind of progress without you, or – are they staying?”

He was referring to the demons. I thought about it, but I also could see that if you signed up to be a guard, you probably wouldn’t take well to being assigned to do construction work nowhere close to the person you were supposed to be guarding. “No, I’m afraid they have to co with .”

“Well, it’ll be slower. But we’ll get there. And there’s no real rush, is there?”

“No.” The sooner the better, but there wasn’t a deadline.

“Sooner is always better than later,” Gruush said, reading my tone. “I get that, boss. I’ll motivate them.”

I knew Gruush’s form of motivation. “Don’t um, overdo. Your workn are also your custors.”

“Good point.” Gruush turned from , and bood, “Alright! Back to work everybody! Work hard if you want to be allowed to buy things from the trading post!”

That was not what I ant, but everyone went to work.

The demons ford around , Gren, Lysandra, and Tysiel. Gren moved to walk with , while the two elves walked behind us.

“I told Lysandra that you would want her to make love with every night,” Gren said. She wasn’t asking a question, just informing . “So I’ve kept her well satisfied.”

Ah, that was what I tasted on Gren’s lips. “Ah.” I looked at Lysandra, who was back to being hard to read. “Um, I’m glad you enjoyed yourselves.”

“I think the professor has issues,” Gren said. “But he kept sneaking to watch us.”

“That is a grotesque exaggeration,” Tysiel objected.

“I bet he can’t wait to see your big, thick –”

“That’s enough, Gren,” I said.

Gren chuckled. “I knew you’d cut off. Ah, it’s good to be ho. Once the elves found out I was a princess, they kept trying to get to do all sorts of kinky things with them.”

“Really?” Lysandra asked. “You didn’t tell about that!”

“Possibly because it’s a fabrication, Princess,” Tysiel suggested.

“What kind of things?” Lysandra asked.

“Well, a few of them wanted to step on them. Another wanted to flog him with a very nasty looking whip. A fourth wanted to force him to have sex with so other guy – I told him they should just do it on their own, if that was what they wanted, but no, they wanted involved sohow.”

“Did you do any of that stuff?” I asked.

“Nah. I knew you wouldn’t mind, but I didn’t want to create a diplomatic incident. As your wife, so of the elves expect to be faithful.”

“Which ans they have no idea what to make of , the Archfiend, and you,” Lysandra said. “But they know they don’t want to piss you off.”

“Heh,” Gren said.

“Is Maeve well?” I asked.

“Queen Maeve is in excellent health,” Tysiel said.

“Good,” I said. “Did she like her portrait?”

“Loved it!” Lysandra said, pulling up to walk alongside . “But she wanted to see you in person. When I explained what had happened, though, she understood that you’re not as free to visit her, now that you have the responsibilities of being an Uber Archfiend.”

I grinned at her. As far as I knew, my responsibilities consisted of making love to her every few months or so. “I bear up under those responsibilities sohow,” I joked.

“If it’s a burden –” Lysandra said.

“Oh, no, it’s not a burden. In fact, I think we need to practice regularly.”

Her eyes lit up. “Of course, Abby.” She paused. “Does practicing with Gren count, too? Not that I’m not eager to practice with you as much as possible.”

I grinned. “You and Gren can do what you like.”

“Good, because we were thinking a welco ho threeso,” Gren said.

Lysandra blushed.

“If you need another to help balance the numbers,” Tysiel said. “I would be willing to oblige.”

“Uh, we’re good,” I said. “It’s actually more balanced with just us girls.”

“But I am given to understand that you possess a –”

“Colossal cock,” Gren finished for him.

“Mmm, yeah,” Lysandra said.

mbers of my guard, I noticed, were very eager listeners. Lysandra noticed, too.

“So much bigger than any other demon,” Lysandra said, clearly for their benefit.

“New subject!” I said. “Tell about your trip? Are my pictures selling? Are bras catching on the way you thought they would?”

“Oh yes!” Lysandra said. “The queen loves hers, she’s wearing it all the ti. We have so many orders for them!”

“Aweso!”

I managed to make those subjects last all the way back to the crypt.

ta was outside, maybe trying to morize a spot for a new gate. Her horse ears twitched when she was concentrating. Valeria was keeping an eye on her, and barely smiled at before going back to watching her like a hawk. ta stopped what she was doing and approached when we entered the clearing. “Good afternoon, Uber Archfiend. I am reasonably confident a new gate can be created, however the dangers of – you.” She stopped, suddenly, upon seeing Tysiel.

“You. tatonefukuthulhu,” Tysiel said back. “I will remind you that I am completely uninterested in your sexual advances.”

“I have never made any sexual advances to you, and never will,” ta said. “And that is Lady tatonefukuthulhu. As I have told you before, I’m not interested in sex with you, or anyone else.”

“Which is why you dress that way.”

If he thought ta was dressed slutty, I could only imagine what he thought of Lysandra’s bra and skirt, or my halter top and skirt. Although Lysandra’s skirt was longer than ta’s. Mine wasn’t. Wait until he saw Xyla.

“How I dress has nothing to do with whether I have any interest in sex, Professor Tysiel.”

I stepped forward. “I was rather hoping you two could work together on finding a solution to my little problem. Is that going to be a problem?”

“Of course not, Uber Archfiend,” ta said, giving another one of her cleavage-displaying bows. They landed differently, however, after she implied she was ace. It might be intended as service but it wasn’t a flirtation. “Your wish is my command. I can work with this ignorant miscreant.”

I looked at Tysiel.

“I’m a professional sorcerer,” he said. “And will behave accordingly.”

“In that case, ta, would you mind showing him the gate and briefing him on the situation?”

“Actually,” Tysiel said, “I think it would be best if soone else perford that function. That way I will get all the needed information without being prejudiced by whatever theories ta has co up with.”

ta glared. “Just because the Uber Archfiend can shorten my na, doesn’t an you can, Tissy.”

I didn’t love the way the two of them were acting, but I realized that what Tysiel said might well be right. If they both ca up with the sa theory independently, I could trust it more than if one just piggy-backed on the other. “I’ll show you the gate, Professor Tysiel. Gren, could you show him inside? I’ll be there in a mont.”

I walked over to Valeria. “Well?”

“Well what? ta hasn’t done anything bad as far as I can tell.”

“No. Professor Tysiel. Is he evil?”

“Huh. I never thought about it. Just a second. I’ll get Talos over here to watch, and then I’ll go check.”

“Great.”

I actually kind of hoped he was, because I wanted them on even footing. ta might be evil, but Tysiel was a jerk.