Thank You For Being Trash Chapter 36: Confusion and Selfishness (7)

Chapter 36 – Confusion and Selfishness (7)

I hurriedly grabbed Lepis' collar. It was an unconscious reflex action. What was I doing now…? My emotions took precedence over reason.

Lepis looked at with strange eyes. I pretended not to notice his gaze. His strange gaze soon turned cold and he opened his mouth.

“…He said he would help .”

I missed the collar I was holding when I saw his face, which I had not seen in a long ti. Was it true that he liked ? His gaze was so cold that I thought it was an illusion. I avoided his gaze. Lepis stood in front of for a while and muttered softly.

“…You have changed a lot.”

He turned his body and walked away from . As I stared blankly as he walked away, a strange, indescribable emotion filled .

“What…"

Behind the spot he left, I muttered blankly.

losing my control was becoming common. I couldn’t do this… This wouldn’t bode well.

I stood anxiously in front of the door. Every second was urgent as a little bit of ti felt like a billion eons. Could Rewan have been captured at this mont…? Maybe, he was being dragged. I anxiously waited for Acacia.

He was in the training ground when he was called to as he appeared a little disheveled. He faced as I was pacing through the door.

“I heard you called .”

“Don’t let them find Rewan.”

Acacia ca into my room and covered with a thick blanket on the bed. He held the hem of the blanket in my hands and let out a low sigh.

“You’ll catch a cold again. You just got better."

“…I-I don't care."

“I’ll make sure you don’t have to worry about it.”

It was an affirmative answer. At the sa ti as the tension breaking, my consciousness was cut off. It was dark.

* * *

I stared at two n sleeping in uncomfortable positions in front of . It was a dark night, the sun had not yet risen.

Negative emotions ate again, and my head was ssed up. I'd rather they hold without thinking about anything. Why did such not very poignant reasons beco so confusing? It had been a while since I’d ever been confused. I couldn't figure it out.

…No. It was terribly lonely. I was not … No one recognized

I was so stupid I thought it was too easy. They weren’t just a part of writing that prayed for Arne's destruction. They were living beings, thinking and acting. I thought simply — because I like being hurt, because I want tragedy because I like negative emotions — It was not such an easy matter to think about.

I should have known that it could change.

It started with a small sob. It was painful because I couldn't even cry. I hated people who made suffer like this. It was terrible.

I didn’t want love. I didn’t want to worry.

It was a life that was born the wrong way. I was not loved even by my parents, so a little heat and pleasure were good. Short s*x was fine if soone considered special. What I wanted was warmth and concentration for that brief ti.

At first, I was satisfied with normal s*x, then it got boring and didn't give satisfaction. I raised the level even more. I tried to get hit, and I played with many people, so I lived a life full of pleasure.

Soone's worries were awkward. Soone loving was awkward…

I didn't know there was soone here who would treat so kindly. It was awkward because it was the first ti I was loved because it was different from the original story. And, it was sad that the love was not for , but , who was wearing Arne's shell.

It was the first warm feeling I had ever received in my life. It was who expected and wanted tragedy and downfall. Yet this… I didn't want this.

A silent cry leaked out of my mouth. I gathered my knees, buried my face, and sobbed.

Now, I was . If I revealed myself, wanting s*x and showing myself pursuing that kind of s*x, would they not worry about anymore? Maybe, they wouldn’t love anymore? I didn’t want to be obsessed with it anymore.

Even though I didn't want to be Arne anymore, I did. Why couldn’t I let go of anything because I was so terribly selfish?

I wept at the conflicting emotions. I didn't know what I wanted.

‘…Do I want to be loved? Or, do I want to live a life full of pleasure?’

It was a cry that started as a small sob. They noticed the crying that was like the fountain had burst. Still, they pretended to be asleep. I didn't want to be here any longer because of these little considerations.

Because they loved , cared for , and took care of , I couldn't accept their consideration.

The sun rose up.

The morning was always bright. Even so, a lot of emotions were washed away with one cry. I washed my face with cold water. They woke up to the sound of crying, but they didn't move, and they didn't say anything to despite seeing my swollen eyes.

“You can go now. My sickness is okay, and I’m fine.”

“Then, I’ll be on my way.”

Acacia nodded and disappeared. Even though he had left, Lepis stood guard. He seed to have sothing to say. I gazed at him with an uncomfortable expression.

“Do you have anything to say to ?”

“…I don't know why you care so much about him.”

Lepis seed to be mistaken for the reason I cried last night because of Rewan.

I t his gaze.

“Why do you care about ? What is the reason for the difference between your attitude the first ti and the present?”

Aggressive remarks ca out. He was silent for a mont, then opened his mouth. Lepis seed to be wondering.

“Is it… is it the sa reason?”

Rumble.

My heart sank. I gazed at him, pretending to be calm. I made an anxious sound, ignoring my beating heart.

"I…”

—Thump, thump.

“I think I love you.”

“…You can’t.”

I denied Lepis' words. However, he didn't harden a single bit in spite of my refusal. As the distance narrowed, he grabbed a handful of my hair and kissed my lips.

“See that I want to give everything without you asking for anything.”

“….”

“It seems like this is love.”

For a mont, there was silence in the room. I shook my head and took a step back. He looked at , widening the distance, but he didn't move, he just stood there.

“If I tell you to die, can you die? I want your death.”

"Gladly."

“….”

“I am willing to die.”

In that absurd situation, I was stunned. He hated , no Arne. He hated it so much that he wanted to kill and commissioned to kill … How could he love ? Lepis knelt before . Although he was a high-ranking and noble person, he fell on his knees, now in a situation that was inferior to a slave.

“From now on, my life is in your hands.”

“….”

“My life and death are yours. I love you. Arne.”

[ Lepis didn't like that Arne was disturbing the imperial discipline. Stories about her were heard everywhere in the imperial court. How her tender skin was, how her breasts were, and how good it felt to sha her… There were stories of this dirty talk.

Before that, the stories of the imperial people were economic stories. In the imperial court where intellectual stories such as the situation were the main focus.

Occasionally, he heard stories like what the brothels they went to were like, but it did not dissipate so much like this. He didn't like the water getting so cloudy because talks like that ca in. It was not noble.

“The discipline of the Imperial Palace is relaxed because of Arne.”

It was a eting place only for high-ranking nobles. The Emperor was nowhere to be seen. Lepis talked about his dissatisfaction.

"Therefore, is work delayed or is there sothing big going on? That it was a play in the dreary and uninteresting imperial palace life… Isn't that right, Count?"

"You're right."

The shouts and laughter of other nobles filled the conference hall.

Lepis sighed at the sight of not being able to find any nobleness among them, even after rubbing his eyes. He frowned at the nobles’ stories that started again. He didn't like it.

Truly, it was a departure from what he thought was the standard of exemplary nobility. It didn't matter what they were doing in their private space. However, this chaos in the Imperial Palace was unbearable.

“Then, you say you’ve never done anything with her before.”

The Count blurted his words. What he ant was clear. Lepis felt insulted as his unpleasant feelings for Arne grew bigger in size.

After the eting, he went to Distria’s office.

He was supposed to report what the talks were in the eting, but he had nothing to report. What they said for two hours was the firmness of Arne's body or what kind of expression she made when they put it in. It was the lowliness that he could not dare bring up.

Lepis was very ticulous. He wasn't flexible either. Normally, he wrote down words one by one that would otherwise have been erased by other people — even who coughed. It was he who arranged them neatly. There was nothing in the eting, so there was nothing to organize.

Distria looked at him with a puzzled expression on the blank report.

Lepis took the report and handed him the eting log as he looked at him silently. As Distria read the report, his expression gradually hardened. He threw down the journal as if it was uncomfortable to read.

“Cheeky. Talking like that in the eting. I have to clean it up.”

Lepis had no doubts, believing that it was Arne that Distria was going to clean up. However, within a few days, he was at a loss for words when he saw that the nobles who had said vulgar words were being purged in large numbers. ]

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